Posts tagged ‘Addictions’

August 11, 2015

My son (15) has a drinking problem…..

by Rod Smith

“My son (15) alternates in living between his father and me for a week at a time. His dad and I don’t get along we are very cooperative as parents. Our son is an alcoholic and finds it even if it is hidden. I have cleansed my home completely of every drop but my ex won’t do the same. He hides it. He’s not much of a drinker but I think he should get of it. Our son goes to AA and sometimes he’s fine then he slips. He (our son) also uses porn and smokes weed. What must I do?”

Your son does not drink because there is alcohol available at his dad’s house. He drinks because he has a disease. While your urge to get your ex-husband to emulate you is understandable I am going to suggest that you leave the management of your son to his father when they are together.

Control what you can control. Exercise authority over what pertains directly to you.

Your son’s multiple challenges are ultimately your son’s issues.

I have the hunch that this is something your ex-husband is holding out to underscore.

While I have compassion for your son – he lives in a world that will not hide its many temptations from him.

December 5, 2009

Help for the addicted…..

by Rod Smith

Open Hand can help you help yourself out of your addiction

Addiction is no picnic. The substance, or the activity, and the accompanying shame begin to rule. It (alcohol, “pot”, gambling, illicit sexual behavior, you name it) can take over a person’s life and make a beggar out of anyone. The shakes, cravings, preoccupations with the drugs, drinks, over-the-counter drugs, or gambling, then becomes central to a life hastily easing out of control. Relationships are threatened, jobs are on the line, and children’s nerves, simply as a product of exposure to addictions, are shattered.

And there is hope. There is hope for the man or woman who wants out from under the heavy rule of illegal substances or alcohol. There is hope for the adult who wants to live without drinking, that wants to be present and sober for his or her children while the children are growing. I’ve seen it many times: a man or a woman has been shocked into the realization that his or her lifestyle is no longer productive and drinking and drunkenness has all but consumed the person while also killing the marriage.

Let me have your story by Email that I may assist you in finding the hope you need and the help you might think you need in overcoming your addiction.

October 14, 2007

Nothing I do pleases him……

by Rod Smith

“I have been married 15 years (second marriage) and already had five children. I met my husband after I had an injury from a car accident, which left me disabled. I’m paralyzed from neck down. I got a settlement from the accident. He has no time for me and gives no financial help. So I am broke. He earns lots of money while I keep getting into debt. If he is upset he withholds money. I feel hatred from him. He works all the time. We are an inconvenience. He can’t hurt me more. He won’t leave and our house is the house I had before I met him. I am afraid of him. He has hit kids and said, ‘You should be the one I am hitting.’ I feel like nothing I do will please him. I do not know what to do.” (Edited)

Nothing will change until you emerge from being a victim and DO something. Where is the biological father? What is he doing? If your husband is working all the time why are you not working the phone to recruit the help you need to get out of this horrible trap? Recruit your community and family. All of you, including your husband, sound so miserable and the sooner you do something radical about it, the better it will be for you all.

October 9, 2007

More about addictions……. (continued from yesterday)

by Rod Smith

Why is gambling such an addiction (drugs I understand!)?

Where a “big win” is presented as real possibility (thus the publicity afforded “big wins”) the “common” gambler is encouraged to believe the day will come when he or she will win the jackpot.

Gambling is self-defeating for the obvious reason: the stakes are high, and so is the almost inevitable accompanying debt. Where else can one hope to get rid of loads of debt in an instant, but by means of gambling?

It is this very belief that leads to further involvement in the very behavior that one is trying to break.

Do not forget co-addictions. Addictions usually come in pairs. Even threes. The sex addict will usually also have troubles with alcohol, or the gambler with illegal sibstances. Few addicts have ONE addictive behavior, but usually face a few undesired and out-of-control behaviors. And each can destabilize the addict’s life and family.

Is there a cure? Few addicts are “cured” if cured means the addict will no longer face some longings for the behavior or its effects. “Cure” and “management” ought to be exchanged here. When an addict learns to manage the behavior, then he or she might say he or she is “being cured.”

October 8, 2007

Please say something about addictions. I think I see one occurring in our family..

by Rod Smith

Three questions to ask to establish the presence of an addiction:

1. Are there physical symptoms related to the behavior or to the absence of the behavior (cravings, ideation, longing, preoccupation)?
2. Is there loss, or threatened loss, of close relationships (breakups of marriage or friendships) as a direct result of the behavior?
3. Has there been a loss of face or position in a community (job loss, police intervention, credit issues, repossession of a car) as a result of the behavior?

While the three as above are a guide, there are other symptoms?

1. Lying (covering) about the behavior through excuses or downright lies.
2. Expecting others to lie and cover the behavior (for instance a spouse and children are drawn into the behavior and the behavior becomes a family secret – even if “don’t tell” is not used).
3. Expecting others to show their love by expressing understanding and tolerance for the behavior.

It is important to see the subtle pull the (growing) addiction has on ALL of the members of the family or community. People assume roles according to the call of the addiction (gambling, alcohol, sex, drugs, porn) and non-addicts start (often unaware of their behavior) to align themselves with the addict in ways that perpetrate the behavior. For instance, a wife who rejects the abuse of alcohol, and who is generally a truthful person, will call the husband in sick and say he has a fever when in fact he is too drunk to work.

Addictions are often family issues revealed in the person who is “acting out.”