October 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My wife is having an ‘emotional affair’ with a best friend who spends more time with her than I do. He hears more about her life than I do, and is closer to her than I am. I watch this happening and over time it gets more and more intense and I am supposed to be calm because it is a close friendship. We have children, a house, and careers: a lot to give up for this ‘friendship’ that carries none of the responsibilities of the marriage. Am I supposed to stand by patiently or blow it all out of the water? Please help.” (Condensed, with permission, from a conversation)
AIr your views, please...
While it might be a tall order, I’d suggest you get to know him, offer also to be a friend to this apparently lonely man. Push the friendship to the limit. It will expose motives, and either re-unite you with your wife, or have you picking up after a divorce. To push, to question, and to join them (especially unexpectedly) when they are together (since she is your wife and they are “just friends” you do not need an invitation to or permission to join them), is your only way to escape the anguished limbo you are currently feeling – and it will offer you the potential to regain emotional intimacy with your wife.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Triggers, Trust, Victims |
12 Comments »
October 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
Are you emotionally out of shape? Psychologically exhausted? Tramped on? Feel trapped? Just as a person can be physically run down, so also can one become emotionally depleted. Here are simple, not easy, steps to getting your internal life into shape. Each will do your internal life as much good as frequent exercise does for a person who is physically out of shape:
1. Speak up where you might previously have remained silent.
2. Realize that not everything you think and feel has to be said or reported.
3. Focus on your own behavior and not the behavior of others. (This might be the most difficult of the 11 suggestions).
4. Rid your life of all blame.
5. Realize you are where you are as a result of your own choices.
6. Set small, secret goals involving no one but you.
7. Refuse to compromise when it comes to telling the truth no matter how much love may be involved.
8. Forgive where you might have previously have been resentful.
9. Do not function in roles not legally yours (don’t play wife if your are not, or dad if you are not).
10. Grasp the fact that emotional health is an individual journey and no one can be held responsible for your journey toward greater emotional health but you.
11. Clarify, for yourself, where you end and others begin. (This IS me, my issue, my responsibility: this is NOT me, my issue, my responsibility).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
12 Comments »
October 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My elderly parents sold their house and are moving. We offer help but my mom says, ‘we have everything under control.’ The next day she says, ‘we could do with some help.’ Until the new owners take occupation my parents go to the house to switch lights on and off and close curtains. Running two households is draining for them. I asked my mom if my family could buy the garden tools and garden furniture. She said the new owners need them. So strangers suddenly mean more to my parents than family. For the first time I have been ugly to my mom. I told her that she should have offered things that they did not need to her family first, before she gave to strangers. I have been feeling sad for having words with mom and more sad that strangers mean more to her than family.” (Edited)
Your resentment over the new owners, garden tools and garden furniture is misplaced. I’d suggest your sense of being overlooked has a longer history than the sale of your parents’ house. Their move is shifting your world! This is something worth uncovering. Who gets an old hoe, rake or lawnmower is no measure of love! Rejoice that your parents have the wherewithal to do all they do.
Posted in Betrayal, Communication, Family, Marriage |
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September 30, 2007
by Rod Smith
Take Up Your Life
1. Are we spiritually, financially, psychologically, and emotionally, sufficiently suited to each other?
2. Do our long-held, individual, long-term, personal goals and personal dreams somewhat fit with each other?
3. What do we each imagine is possible for us to achieve (service to the poor, overseas travel, learning foreign languages, learning new skills) within this relationship and potential marriage?
4. How do we each perceive our individual and mutual responsibilities to our parents and extended families if we marry?
5. Which of us is better with money? If we marry, how will we organize our money? Will we keep everything separate or will we pool all our resources? How will we decide what we buy, how we buy, and when we buy expensive, but necessary items needed by a new family? Which professional will we choose to help us with the wise use of our resources?
[Do not enter a relationship with someone who is in excessive debt.]
6. What does each of us think about religious observance? How will we decide on where and how we will worship?
7. What help do you need from me in order that you may achieve all you have ever wanted to achieve with your life?
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Re-marriage, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Voice |
4 Comments »
September 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
Axioms (observations that are almost always true) for families:
A man or woman who has an open, friendly, respectful, and playful relationship with his or her own parents will seldom have problems with his or her in-laws.
Extra-marital affairs are symptoms of a troubled marriage and not the cause of trouble in a marriage.
The teenager who is open and friendly and kind to his or her parents is laying the foundation for a happy and open and friendly relationship with his or her future spouse and children.
When children “take over” a family, and become the center or the glue of a marriage, relational carnage (with the marriage and even possibly with the children) waits in the wings.
The couple that engages in sex, but never discusses it, will finally end up discussing (or arguing about) why one or the other partner has lost all interest in sex.
People who can stand up to each other (resist poor treatment; declare what he or she will or will not do; speak up about what he or she really feels) are more likely to have a lasting relationship than people who relent or give in to each other’s wishes in the name of love.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Domination, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Manipulation |
4 Comments »
September 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
A reader writes…
“Many wives complain that their husbands expect them to be servants. The cause is, in my opinion, quite clear. Many mothers, including those in marriages not destroyed by divorce, run around their children (more so in the case of boys) to meet every request at the drop of a hat: picking up dirty clothes, running errands and being at their beck and call. This extends to mothers putting their own living standards aside so as not to upset their kids. I know this from many of my relationships (I’ve been divorced twice) and from comments from divorced friends. I have seen how the mothers place their kids on pedestals and the kids take full advantage. When ‘little Johnny’ marries he expects his wife to do the same. The sad part is once kids move the mother’s life has a huge hole and she feels shortchanged. I am pleased my son (19) is in the USA and has to sort his own life out.” (Minimally edited)
I’d suggest this dad is on the ball with his insight! Everyone benefits when children assume helpful roles in their families and develop healthy work ethics. Making “Johnny” clean his room at 12 may help him better love his wife at 40!
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Family |
2 Comments »
September 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Would it be fair to my husband to write a letter to his family in order to distance myself from them? I have had hostility and rejection from them for 25 years. The sting of rejection has now become unbearable and I feel uncomfortable in their presence. They never ask how we are or make conversation with me or enquire after my loved ones. I feel their resentment and have never understood why. Would this break down my marriage, as my husband is passive, peacemaker and will not confront them on this issue, so I feel isolated, misunderstood? I am a good, caring, kind person, but they way they treat me is conflicting with my values and feel I need to put a voice to my feelings. (Minimally edited)
Rod’s reply: Writing a letter will not be understood (or appreciated) and it will only serve to offer fuel to the rejection you already experience. Share your painful feelings with a trusted friend.
Remain polite to those who treat you so poorly without going out of your way to engage, or to disengage them.
You are concerned about what is fair to your husband while he is passive (unfair) regarding your pain. Perhaps will come the day your husband will see that passivity can be as abusive and damaging as violence.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Family, In-laws, Spousal abuse, Voice |
2 Comments »
September 5, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for two years and we have had a constant battle about how often we visit my parents. My husband put in place his rules of ‘creating appropriate distance’ with fortnightly visits, which are often pushed to visits every fourth week. I thought we’d visit both sets of parents weekly but that idea was quickly terminated. It is really hard. My husband is a bit of a control freak because he used to tell me that I should behave like someone’s wife instead of someone’s daughter! I am just sick of this childishness. If he loved me, he would make the effort that is required every couple of weeks for my sake and stop creating ‘rules’ that just apply to my family.” (Edited)
I’d suggest you visit your family at will, and, having extended to your husband an opportunity to join you, if he refuses, proceed alone. Do not be his press secretary = direct questions regarding his absence to him. Persist in this manner and you will be behaving as a wife and daughter! While your husband will probably not “get it” (“adolescent men” seldom do) your determination to avoid his control will do your husband and marriage a wonderful service.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, In-laws |
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September 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend annoys me. He is jealous and petty and he is moody. But my family loves him and so I stay with him. I did not realize this until I took a long hard look at what was keeping me with him. Now he is talking marriage and I am thinking things will get better. It didn’t start this way. He was more outdoor-ish, more adventurous and not at all jealous when we first started going out. Then things started to run down hill when the relationship got serious. I suppose he couldn’t pretend forever and now I am seeing the real person he is. Please help.”
Considering your family so loves him, perhaps there is another member of the family who’d like to pick up the relationship I hope you will soon terminate.
I’d suggest you do not continue to date someone because your family loves him or in the hopes things will improve once you marry.
Announce the end of the relationship directly to your moody man and then inform your family about what you have done.
Be sure you know what you want before you implement your plan. Families have an odd way of getting what families want, and I hope in your family’s case, it is not at your expense.
Posted in Attraction, Family, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
1 Comment »
August 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
I hope I hear from you...
in friendships that are more work than necessary, and have little or no problem cutting ties when a friendship becomes over-taxing, overly demanding or draining. Friendship is supposed to be enjoyable. Thus, whenever any of the following occur in a friendship, I’d suggest it is time to cut and run. I am not at all suggesting the friendship ONLY involves good times. I am suggesting that if a friendship is hard work when it is time for the good times (no present illness, no unusual trauma) then it might be time to move on:
Your friend: (1) Doesn’t want you to have other friends; expresses jealousy through sullenness, withdrawal or antagonism.
(2) Lies to you, about you, or about others.
(3) Expects you to keep “special” secrets or information when the knowledge makes you uncomfortable.
(4) Watches the clock if you are late and interprets your lateness as meaning something about the friendship.
(5) Compares your behavior in one friendship with your behavior in another (“How come you are never this way with your other friends?”).
(6) Expects you to buy into his or her values even when they differ from your values.
(7) Wants or needs to book up your time a long time in advance to make sure your life is planned around his or her life.
(8) Plays games of “hide and seek” to see how much you care or how important the friendship is to you.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Friendship, Meditation, Past relationships, Therapeutic Process, Trust |
2 Comments »
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