May 20, 2011
by Rod Smith
“How I agree with your column today – break-ups hurt. I have been divorced for four years, and it still hurts. The what ifs – what if I had been kinder, more understanding, what if he had treated me better so I could have been kinder. And so it goes on and on. If you got together again, you know, or think, it would all be different. If only. If only. If only. You drive yourself insane.
“I maintain death is easier than divorce. Death is final. Everyone rallies around to support you in your time of grief. They keep asking how you are, they include you in their lives, where possible, and check that you aren’t lonely. I know this doesn’t last forever – but I do know that it happens. Some groups make a roster and supply meals for a week or two. Then there’s the anniversary of the death – cards, phone calls, people letting you know they care. Maybe a notice in the Newspaper.
“Divorce, on the other hand, is never final. Friends are uncomfortable with you and most don’t support you in, yes, your time of grief. They don’t ask how you are coping and whether you are lonely. In fact, they almost pretend that nothing has happened and, due to embarrassment, some even avoid you. They don’t realise, unless they’ve been there, that what has happened is a huge emotional upheaval. There’s no anniversary – you remember the date of the final separation, but no one else does. No phone calls, no cards, no friends and relations letting you know they care.
“And, no one brings you a meal!”
Posted in Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Forgiveness, Past relationships |
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May 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Take UP your life - it is an act of LOVE
1. It is
self-initiated and no one is “sending” you to therapy.
2. You are motivated to see change in your life and understand that it could mean an increase in your discomfort and some disruption to your relationships.
3. You are willing to recognize your sacred cows even if you are initially unwilling to lead them to the slaughterhouse.
4. You read widely about ordinary people who have done extraordinary things with their lives.
5. You are willing to see the fruitlessness of blaming others (parents, boss, your ex, the economy, and politicians) for what you are facing.
6. You are willing to shift your focus off the behavior of others and be fully responsible for your own behavior.
7. You are willing to understand that others can only entangle (trap, manipulate, bother) you to the degree you allow.
8. You understand your therapist is a person just like you – but for his or her training. Elevating your therapist will prove to be unhelpful to you and it will obstruct the very process you wish to assist you.
9. You understand that all desired and healthy growth requires some loss, pain, and grief.
10. Your goal is to grow up and to fully live your own life – no matter what your age.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 8, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I’m in love with a man out of my caste. If my family finds out I will be disowned. He loves me and I do the same. His family doesn’t want him to be with me either. He’s going through a separation with his wife. They have twin girls who are 2 and boy who is 8. His wife still loves him tremendously but he has no love for her and has clearly told her. I feel so guilty that I’m the cause of everything but he won’t let me go. He says I’m the reason for his living and that his marriage was long over before I came into the picture. We are planning on marriage. I have a 5 year-old son who will have to leave along with my entire family. My fear is if I’m making a right future path for my self and my boyfriend. I desperately need advice.”
This is a disaster waiting to happen
A man who can abandon a wife and three children will do the same, and worse, to you and your son. This “relationship” could only work if you immediately sever all ties while he gets divorced, pays child support, and is a cordial ex-husband for 5 years at least – before he BEGINS a caring, mutual relationship with you.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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March 21, 2011
by Rod Smith
Two families met in my office with the young girl (12) who was at the center of their conflict. Dad and his new wife, mom and her new husband, with both biological parents insisting they wanted primary custody of the child. In earlier meetings dad and mom had shared (without the other parent or the daughter present) how the other parent was irresponsible, uncaring, and unfit for anything more than visits.
Getting everyone in the same room (new spouses and child included) was no walk in the park but I insisted and the families ultimately agreed.
Having established that neither parent was the demon the other portrayed and that both step parents were invested in the wellbeing of the daughter whom all were now co-parenting, I risked asking the child to stand in the center of the room.
I requested mom and step-dad pull the child by the right arm while dad and stepmother pulled her left so we could see who could pull harder and “win” the daughter in the tug-of war.
“You are a cruel man,” said the dad, as the daughter cried and the illustration hit home.
“Not really,” I replied, “I’m simply showing you what you both do to her every weekend of her life.”
Posted in Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Family Systems Theory |
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March 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Should I leave? Should I stay? Should I tell her? Should I this? Should I that?
These questions flood my email, often hidden in letters loaded with painstaking details of hard, devastated lives depicting complex, entangled, situations.
They are the cries for a formula from desperate readers who want to know what is the right thing to do; men and women aching for some degree of happiness and fulfillment – often aching to do the right thing, especially for the children.
Often there are no right or wrong answers but more helpful or less helpful ways to respond to difficult situations.
How trumps what. It’s not whether a person should stay or go – it is HOW staying or going is done that will determine if the choice was a good choice or not.
Staying or going, respectful behavior, kindness, honoring others, even in the toughest circumstances will prove the decision to be helpful or unhelpful.
When going is the decision, everything, even divorce, child custody issues, financial settlements, can be expedited respectfully, kindly, and honorably.
How do I know? I’ve seen people handle these very issues with firmness, grace, and kindness – even in the midst of the pain accompanying all loss or change.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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March 11, 2011
by Rod Smith
Pain is an inevitable result of almost all divorce and hardly anyone in a family escapes it. The enduring stress, the separation period preceding the divorce, the event itself, and the process of adjustment, all impact family members.
When divorce is regarded as a process, and not an event, the impact is likely to be somewhat eased.
Out of the ruins of a broken marriage people do not easily embrace such principles. These are goals to work toward. Doing so is likely to ease the impact of divorce upon the children.
It is worthwhile noting that remaining (unhappily) married is often easier than becoming (happily) divorced.
Assuming no violence has occurred, the following attitudes expressed by the adults will allow for the best outcome when two adults divorce :
1. We will discuss the divorce with you, together, on a regular basis.
2. We are divorced but remain your parents.
3. It is our divorce, not yours. The implications affect everybody, but it remains our divorce.
4. We were once happy as husband and wife and you were born out of our love. We found parenting to be rich and rewarding. (Ignore if not true).
5. We will always help and protect you and cooperate with each other concerning you.
6. You have done nothing to cause our divorce and nothing you do will restore our marriage.
7. We will not destroy each other (verbally or in any manner) but will rather choose to honor and respect each other.
8. We will not use you as a go-between your parents, or as the rope in a tug-of-war, or as a commodity for child-support.
9. When you face inevitable choices, we will clearly communicate with you about your options. When this is impossible, we will tell you why it is impossible.
10. When choices cannot be made easier we will do all we can to make them clearer. We will honor and hear your voice in all choices pertaining to you and when and if it impossible to do so, we will let you know why. Hearing you (and each other) does not mean agreeing or giving you what you want. Divorce makes some things beyond the control of even the most loving and reasonable and powerful people.
11. We will support each others’ values and rules and will try to establish a similar atmosphere in each home.
12. We both want you to do well in life. Our failure at marriage does not mean you will fail at life.
13. We cannot predict the future, but we will both talk about it with you as we see it developing. You will have as much information as possible about your family and about yourself.
14. You will have as much power over your life as is age appropriate. Sometimes the divorce will feel more powerful than each of us alone and all of us together.
15. You will be able to visit both extended families. Your extended family will be as helpful to you about our divorce as we are. They are also committed to speaking only well of each of your parents. (Ignore if untrue. Let this be a goal).
16. You have permission to embrace any person each parent might include in his or her life. Accepting and loving a stepparent will not be regarded as disloyalty. You might even choose to call that person mother or father without our resistance.
17. All the adults (step and biological parents) will regularly meet to discuss matters relating to you.
18. We will try to lessen the amount of travel between homes so that you might be as settled as possible.
19. Failure at any venture on your part is not because of the divorce. Many people have had divorced parents and have made successes of their lives.
(One person commented: “If I we could have done all that we’d still be married.” I repeat, these are goals, broad ideas for which to strive to make into a reality.)
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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January 25, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I married a man I knew had a drinking problem. We had two children and his behavior never changed. He has stayed the same, drinking and going out, but now there has been an affair. Even the affair wasn’t the breaking point for me. He kept going back to the woman so I finally filed for a divorce. The divorce goes through soon and he has since moved onto a second woman who drinks with him. Why am I taking this so hard even knowing that he wasn’t right for me and that I wouldn’t choose him again?”
Please, go to Al Anon
of your children, you are accustomed to his ways; the stress of living with him has fed some emptiness within you and allowed you to feel needed. There are many ways to attempt to explain the reasons you are finding this termination difficult.
I believe you have accommodated his life, his problems, and his illnesses more than you have loved and treasured your own life – which is a sure-fire formula for you to become as addicted to him and his difficulties as he is to alcohol.
Please, seek out our nearest Al Anon group as soon as possible – even though the divorce is almost final.
Posted in Affairs, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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January 17, 2011
by Rod Smith
80,000 online views
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
(November 2006)
Tell me your story. I am listening:
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Single parenting, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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December 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
I hope you choose life.....
Untimely death is regarded as a chosen alternative to getting help with financial, addiction, relational, or chemical issues a person might experience.
If this is you, here are some thoughts to consider. I hope you will consider less dramatic, final alternatives.
Suicide is self-destruction. While family members will naturally ask what they could have done to prevent you from taking such action, your death will remain your responsibility. I’d suggest you seek the medical help even if it appears that no one cares if you live or die. At this point it is more important that you care.
Suicide is an ultimate act of prayer and freedom. While no one will be able to stop you in the event that a premature death is what you really want, there are more productive ways to engage the divine and make a statement to your survivors. There are ways to address and almost solve any problem anyone faces.
While your family and friends will reflect, mourn, and grieve over your loss they will ultimately conclude (it might take years) that you exercised your unique, terrible, human power. They will come to understand that no one can cause you to kill yourself or make you do it.
Given your freedom to choose death, I must believe there exists within you the ability to choose life – and I hope you do.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Do you have the energy to fight for intimacy?
Running from intimacy – keeping an emotional arm’s length from those who appear want something more, something deeper. This, of course, is not literally running away. People can flee “inside” while appearing to widely embrace others. Often the life and soul of a party, these men and women are frequently attractive and made more so, for some, by their illusiveness.
Fright: Fearing being taken over, or of being “occupied”, this person is constantly on duty, like an armed sentry against a hidden enemy. He or she can scare others almost-involuntarily through expressions of misplaced anger and socially inappropriate behaviors. “He’d edgy. He’s scary. I am not sure why,” you might hear yourself saying.
Fight: Combating sincere attempts at intimacy, this person fights in order to keep people away, even if no one is trying to get closer. Everything becomes about winning or losing; fighting is a way of life, winning is everything. “Just when we get close,” you might find yourself saying, “he/she finds some difficulty with something inextricably me.”
Freeze: Isolating, (“ice-olating”) this person neither runs nor attacks, he or she simply remains emotionally immobilized. This is control through passivity. “The closer I get the more vacant (absent, terrified) he/she appears.” The pursuer will appeal, work, wave, rant, and stamp – to little avail.
Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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