(Permission granted)

Dear Mr Rod Smith

My name is TW. I am an 18 year old girl and I live in Durban, SA. (Your hometown, as I am told.)

My mother has been a fan of your column for about as long as I can remember. I only remember this because she regularly cuts out your column from the newspaper and pops it on our fridge so that our family can read it. I must admit however, I seldom do sit down and read your column with the focus and intent that my sweet momma wishes me to. Which is why I feel prompted to send you this email.

I arrived home this afternoon, after a rather draining day at school, and I saw that there was a small newspaper clipping stuck onto my bedroom mirror. I pulled it off, and found that it was your column, “To the girls I know and to the billions I don’t”. My initial reaction was to “read it later”, with no real intention of really reading it at all. But I read it – then and there, standing in front of my mirror.

I am so glad I did.

It is hard to explain how meaningful and powerful words can be when they arrive at the perfect time, and yours certainly did. It is not that I don’t know that I am valued and loved and beautiful – but I find that I forget. Fairly often too – most particularly when I am stressed, or busy, or uncertain. (Which is most of the time.)

It’s a funny thing, reaching the end of your high school career. I’ve found myself thinking back on who I was, and who I have become. More recently however, I’ve been caught up on the thought as to why I haven’t really had a proper relationship before, like most other matric girl. (It’s a silly thought, I know. I am only 18 – but it niggles none the less.) Am I not beautiful? Am I annoying? Am I plain? I don’t know. I haven’t really been able to put my finger on it until I read your column. (Like 6 times.)

I am single for a reason. Not because I am not beautiful, or because everyone else if better than me – I am single because I refuse to settle. I will not settle for a boy who does not see and love me as the raw, essential version of myself. I will not settle for a boy who is only interested in the superficial, and I will not settle for a boy who loves me more than he loves Jesus.

Your column made me realise that this IS okay.

That I am worth more than settling.

I felt so encouraged by the affirmation that “Talent, power and bravery are divinely endowed. They are yours. They are in your bones, your soul; in the depths of your spirit and your being.”

I am talented.

I am powerful.

I am brave.

I am happy to be where I am, and where I am going as me.

My future is full to the brim with possibility and adventure, and I am excited to dive into it as a “gifted, talented, uniquely curious” young woman.

I will not be delicate, I will be vast and brilliant – simply because I am.

With Love and Grace

TW

Differentiation of self

Self-Differentiation (a term coined by family therapy pioneer, Murray Bowen) is a progressive, internal interplay between autonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while progressing toward developing and known goals.

Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge.

To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self.

Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.

Differentiation is described in many ways in the following points:

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.

2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.

3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.

4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.

5. Staying in touch with others (co-workers, family members, neighbors) while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement. (This does not include a former spouse or former in-laws or any situation regarding a romance gone sour.)

6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.

7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.

8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.

9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others.

10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.

11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.

12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.

13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.

14. Making no heroes; taking no victims.

15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.

16. Paying the price for building, and living within community. I am not suggesting some form of communal or shared living. I am suggesting the differentiated person finds a place with others while also being separate from others.

17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.

18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

(Please PRINT this page and STUDY it. Spread it around your office and among your friends. Read more writers about this concept. The ONLY thing I ask in return is that you let me know you printed it – by leaving a comment – and you SPREAD the word to others.)

The Mercury – Monday / Healthy Retorts…..

Healthy retorts to unhealthy prompts. These are not direct quotations. They encapsulate what I have heard from healthy people:

– No, I do not feel as anxious as you do about this – it’s not helpful if we are both immobilized. (Wife to husband over a business failure.)

– This is a conversation it seems you need to have without me – your adult sons and daughters want time alone with you. I understand completely. (Man to his wife in a second marriage.)

– Your accomplishments at school are yours. When you are doing well I will not take the credit. When you are doing poorly I will not feel as if I am to blame. You already have everything you need (from me) to be a superior student. What do you need to change about your work habits? Start there. No, I will not speak to your teacher. You are perfectly capable of doing that for yourself. Your teacher is not responsible for your performance – you are. (Parent to son of 15.)

– I am very uncomfortable speaking about people who are not present unless you are full of praise for them. Gossip is not at all good for friendships. (Friend to friend.)

The Mercury – Thursday

Go counter…

When times are tough, as hard as it may be, try to do the counter-intuitive thing. Open your hand; don’t close it. If you hold onto what you already have, clutching your resources, as if your very life depended upon them, it will. Your life will be dependent on what you are preserving – your diminishing resources. You will miss the new resources that are trying to get your attention.

When your heart is broken, as hard is it may be, try to do the counter-intuitive thing. Open your heart; don’t shut it. Of course the impulse to protect can be overwhelming, but shutting down, refusing to feel, refusing vulnerability to opportunities is costly. A closed heart will struggle to heal and to let go. An open heart, despite the pain, allows the greater community to do its good and healing work.

When your dreams are shattered, as hard as it may be, try to do the counter intuitive thing. Dream again. If you live in persistent regret of how things could have been, and resent those who shattered or did not support your dream, or if you assign blame for why things did not turn out as you planned, yesterday’s disappointments block tomorrow’s success.

Seven longings I have for myself, my children* and students (past and present):

1. Personal Responsibility: that we live without blame, without the belief that someone, or something, is responsible for our futures, or, has caused our failures.

2. Absolute Forgiveness: that we become women and men who are able to forgive others even when it’s neither deserved nor necessarily recognized as needed.

3. Radical Hospitality: that we live with open doors, hearts, hands, and minds, ready to welcome strangers, waifs, loners, dignitaries, politicians, pastors, prostitutes, presidents, addicts, and enemies into our homes with generosity, love, and kindness.

4. Self Definition: that we are able to stand up for ourselves, think for ourselves, express our unique views, beliefs, and vision, without harming others.

5. That we be Interesting and Interested – given that there are enough lifeless, bored and boring people already.

6. That we Love and Trust God – not a weird (often dangerous) perversion created and perpetuated by anxiety-ridden, budget-driven pastors and politicians, but the Exciting, Vibrant, Intimate, Brave, Edgy, Deliberate God of the Ages, Who, without question or reservation, loves ALL people with clarity and passion and Who gives dignity and inestimable value to ALL.

7. See Beyond: that we be men and women who can see beyond the limitations we set for ourselves and the limitations others set for us (usually in “love”).

* no pressure boys

You may sometimes wonder where I find the ideas I write about.

I am frequently asked, “How do you do that everyday?”

Let me tell you:

This week I have been writing about my dad and the lessons I learned and have tried to learn from his life.

Why?

Well, one of my best friends and fellow expat, Nolan Smith (no relation) is in Durban this week because his father, Angus Smith, has just died. Nolan got to South Africa in time to see his dad and got to comfort him and to be with him during his final moments.

Nolan sent me a text yesterday and I called and we greeted each other as we often do with, “This is Rod Smith from Red Hill” to which he may have or may have not replied “This is Nolan Smith from Durban North.” Before long, as Nolan expressed thoughts about his loss I was crying my eyes out while trying to negotiate the Indianapolis traffic and I had to end the call.

The power of fathering and friendship and how our lives connect is foremost on my mind this week. Now you know why.