The Mercury – Your columnist’s daily challenge…… / Wednesday

I face the daily joy and daily challenge of trying to be in person who I am on paper (in your paper) – and, of course, the other way around, too. I like to think that we are on this journey together.

(Almost) every day I strive for:

Self-definition – the courage to tell the world who I am and who I am not. The “world”, more specifically refers to those with whom I am closest, like immediate family, and closest friends. The more intimate the relationship AND the greater the ability for self-definition, the greater are the rewards. Failure to self-define in my closest relationships compromises my ability to do so with a broader community.

Growing in integrity – this is the willingness to bring myself into greater oneness and tackles my wellness where it starts – within. Integrity, of course, is a one-way street – I do what I can to integrate my life so I am what I am with all people.

Inviting grace into every area of my life – this is the willingness to grow in the areas of forgiving others for their wrongs against me (real or perceived) and to seek forgiveness from others where I have hurt or deceived others. It is to be generous to others (especially those who appear not to deserve it) and to allow others vast space for error and failure.

I shall be in Curitiba Brazil for the first week of April. Please email me if you’d like to meet.

Do you want a week of deeper human connection? I do. Here are a few healing words and questions to tuck into the back of your head to get you started:

• I will drop everything and spend as much time as you want listening to you.
• I will hear you out no matter how long it takes.
• Nothing you divulge will shock me or change how I view you.
• What’s holding you back from achieving your goals?
• I never expected you to be perfect in the first place.
• Most people have five or seven things they are really good at – please tell me yours.
• Please tell me about all the people who have really loved you and have expected nothing in return.
• Tell me about the five most important changes you have made in your life.
• Tell me about the most important decisions you have made.
• Tell me about the times in your life when you felt most purposeful and loved.
• Our friendship is about who we both are and not what we may have or not done in the past.
• What can I do more, what can I do less, to improve our friendship?

The Mercury / Wednesday – Dedicated to the students at DPHS

An educated young man…(fifteen symptoms)

1. He defines his own path, and does not follow of the pack.

2. He writes well, or is learning to; he speaks well, and, if necessary, he can command an audience; he never uses crude language.

3. He understands his personal history as much as he can and harbors no contempt for his roots.

4. He understands his cultural history, is empowered by its heroes, but is not trapped by its villains.

5. He never raises his voice at his parents or refers to his mother as “she.”

6. He respects legitimate authority, but is unafraid to appropriately question it.

7. He understands and respects the power of money.

8. He respects all women everywhere.

9. He reads broadly, or is at least learning to do so.

10. He stands up when his elders enter a room and gives up his seat to those who need it.

11. He loves and respects the environment, the sciences, and all forms of the arts.

12. He opens doors for others, and he enters dark rooms first. He never wears a hat in a building.

13. He stands on his own two feet without pushing anyone else over.

14. He loves his brain enough to protect it from harmful substances.

15. He loves and understands his body, treats it like his longest lasting and most treasured asset.

And, of course, to my own boys:

The Mercury / Friday

• My heart goes out to children who live in unsettled houses. Houses where the abuse of alcohol or drugs dominates everything. Houses where rage rips people apart.

• My heart goes out to children whose parents were once together and now are apart. Although the child may have received loving messages about how they are loved despite what mother and father do, it still often makes no sense to the child.

• My heart goes out to children who are fighting a deadly disease and to the siblings who are fighting it with them. The necessary lack of certainty bolstered with statements of faith, all within the same adult sentence, can be confusing. It’s at least as confusing for the child as it is for the adult trying to comfort them.

• My heart goes out to children whose boundaries are ignored and violated and whose voices are ignored or silenced. Such children might as well be invisible to those commissioned to love and protect them.

• My heart goes out to the child who must assume a defensive stance because of race, gender, language; or whether he or she is “legal” or “illegal.”

• My heart goes out to children who are hungry in a nation of plenty, those born outside the dominant culture, those whose troubles are the fruit of a troubled nation.

• My heart goes out to my own sons who, it seems, will never know their blood mothers or blood fathers and who have to tolerate me when at times I’m unpredictable, irrational, and reactive.

Happiness, peace, joy, will not hit you out of the blue. You (we) have to do the legwork. Today is a good day to include the following and therefore make it that much more possible to struck by happiness:

• Make phones call to affirm the powerful roles other people have played in your life. No matter how important you are you did not get to where you are on your own. While there indeed are “self-made” unsuccessful people, there are no “self-made” successful people. Make calls, write letters, and send a few emails. Write extravagant cheques to the schools that helped you.
• Tell your family you love them. Call each person and use the words “I love you.” Take a deep breath and read the words off this page if that helps. I am not being facetious. There are many people who struggle to say these simple words for all manner of complex reasons.
• Retrace your steps no matter how far you have to go back and, as far as it is possible, make amends. Re-build burned bridges. Apologize, swallow your pride, admit to your failings, and ask for forgiveness. Make things right with others as much as you are able.
• Buy a huge box of nappies (diapers) at leave it as a secret gift for new parent.

How to behave in a coffee shop:

• Spread your belongings onto several chairs and pull a few tables together so you can occupy as much space as possible. Sigh and grumble when customers are looking for a place to sit and hint that you may want to offer a little of your coffee shop real estate to others.
• Have several technology devices going at the same time so as to add to your importance – one lap-top computer is not enough – have a couple of phones going too, even if you’re just watching your latest YouTube post on all of them to boost your numbers.
• Give dirty looks to people at tables who are disturbing your work by talking to each other.
• Order the cheapest drink on the menu and occupy the space hours after you’ve consumed it. Keep the cup to show you have paid your way.
• When you arrive huff and puff near your favorite tables if they are occupied. The customers who are there before you might not know you they are in your spot.
• Set up your office space and conduct interviews with prospective employees or prospective customers. They will be really impressed with your approach to cost savings and they’ll have an inkling about how you will treat them.

Bravery – The Mercury – Thursday

Brief insights on (real) bravery

• The person who is willing to tell the truth despite the possibility of fallout or the incurrence of personal cost – a word is a bond

• The person who self-edits and chooses truth in the minutia of life rather than expressing half-truths or “little” lies which may make life easier or more convenient – truth begins within

• The person who could legitimately expect to be served by others but who chooses instead to serve others – joy comes from serving

• The person who repeatedly believes in the best of others despite the repeated failings of others – there is gold (somewhere) in all

• The teacher or coach who sees talent in a student and is willing to appear to fail or appear to be less than successful so a student may learn or experience something new – success breeds success and doesn’t always look like success

• The parent who knows how much to tell a son or daughter and how much to withhold from a son or a daughter so he or she may be necessarily and appropriately informed and yet at the same time not unnecessarily burdened – love includes and love self-edits

• The person who knows and understands that love is about listening and supporting and learning and making room for the needs and concerns of others – love makes room for others.

I’ve long held the belief and seen repeatedly that life is both beautiful and brutal. The news, while more frequently focused on the brutal, is also full of examples of beauty.

Perhaps where the beauty is most apparent and it’s brutality is toughest to bare, is where I see the brutality of life working its path in my sons’ lives:

·      This weekend I attended an event called “One hundred Men Who Cook” and watched the gathered crowd gather up over a quarter of a million dollars for a chosen charity. Beautiful.

·      This weekend I watched interviews with families who lost sons and daughters in a school massacre in Florida. Brutal.

·      On Sunday I talked to my brother and sister about matters we each find important. Beautiful.

·      My older boy is reeling in the wake of unexpected news from a far-off place (brutal) and I watched his younger brother comfort him as only a brother can (beautiful).

·      When I really am missing South Africa I sometimes will download a sermon from a church I have heard of and find some comfort. This weekend I heard Elliot Sonjica of Hilton Christian Fellowship preach about the role of the deacon. Beautiful.

May there be an imbalance in your life – where the beauty outdoes the brutality by a really large margin.