January 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Our daughter (23) seems committed to going out with the most unsavory characters. It is as if she wants to spite her father and me. I can handle it but it drives my husband crazy. He can hardly look at her anymore and seems to have lost all respect for her. She doesn’t seem to care one way or another which she says is a mark of her maturity. I am not asking you how to get my daughter to be different or to get my husband to change. I want to know why my daughter would so willingly keep doing what she knows causes her dad great pain?” (Edited)
Get out of the way so he can know his daughter.
Your daughter is an adult – and if she is mature in her ways, she would not be dating “unsavory characters” in order to spite you or your husband. Healthy people do not use some people in order to make a point with others.
If her dating is out of character for her, and if it is a result of her immaturity – it is unlikely she, or anyone, will be able to tell you what is motivating her – or that knowing the reasons will make the slightest difference.
I’d suggest you do all you can to support your husband, stay out of the middle, and refuse to try and explain his daughter’s behavior to him.
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January 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
Behind the smile.....!
Leadership of your organization (church, synagogue, mosque, hospital, or school) is troubled when:
1. The leader (or leaders) seeks only good news and discredits and discounts negative feedback.
2. Underlings protect the leader from the real truth, real numbers, or what the people are really saying. Underlings run interference and see it as “caring” for the leader.
3. The economy, marketplace, competition, government, or a combination of all are repeatedly blamed for the state of the organization.
4. There are “inner-circle” persons who know the real scoop on what’s going on while others are left guessing.
5. Gossip is rampant and an air of secrecy prevails.
6. People feel trapped but cannot necessarily understand why or how.
7. Planned events to get people together, or to create “buy in” or to “honor everyone” (or dinners, socials) feel contrived because such events are ways to avoid the the real issues and avoid necessary conflict.
8. Behind a ready (public) smile is a short-fused angry man or woman who is set off (in private) by minimal inconveniences.
9. Phrases like “let me remind you who the leader is” and “I don’t want to play the heavy hand but…” mark the encroaching authoritarian edge in the organization.
10. Severed or strained relationships remain unresolved but “life goes on.”
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Leadership, Listening |
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January 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My wife (second marriage for us both) left me a few weeks ago after 10 years. She is bi-polar and stops taking her medication. When I told her that her son was using drugs and she was furious with me. I always supported her when he got caught for stealing, fraud, using drugs, and when he was in rehab. He’s back on drugs, having stolen us blind during the past year. This was common. I have not Get off HER roller-coaster
There are no simple solutions. She is bi-polar and you are riding her roller-coaster. Get off it and into the drivers seat of your life no matter how tough my challenge seems to be. You have NO POWER over her but MUST assume your legitimate power over yourself. Reconnect with your children if they will allow it.
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January 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My step children (12 and 14) are wonderful and give my husband and me no trouble at all. At the smallest signs of conflict my husband and I get together and we form a united front and we phone his ex-wife and discuss what is causing the issue. We use the ‘no blame’ approach by listening as much as possible. I love being a step mother and the children have no problem understanding that I am not even trying to take the place of their mother. This did not happen overnight and it was definitely the result of moving very slowly at first. Trust was very hard to build and I found I had to build it most with his ex-wife so she’d not be overly concerned about who it was who was also parenting her children.”
“I really hate being a stepmother. The children divide us all the time. He takes his children’s side over me every time even if they are obviously in the wrong. His ex-wife is harsh and controlling and I can’t wait for them all to grow up and leave home.”
(Conversations paraphrased with permission)
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January 10, 2010
by Rod Smith
I have read your column with interest. A woman friend and I have known each other for twelve years and get on well. She went through a marriage to guy of one year and now is in process divorce. I have strong feelings for her and try to help out where can. She has “friend type” feelings for me. What can I do to win her over to love and later marriage?
Give her LOTS of ROOM
You might want to wait and give her a lot of room to get through, and then over, her divorce. Even if she wants the divorce there is always fallout. So, you are not seeing her as she really is at the moment. She is probably not herself while facing an unknown future.
The best way to love her is to tell her she is free to mourn (or to be angry) and to get beyond her failed marriage. Life is LONG. Give her room. If she’s going to be your partner nothing you do will stop it. If you share all the power of mutual attraction and you are intelligent about being available, but not overwhelming for her, nothing will halt the natural progression your relationship will take.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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January 10, 2010
by Rod Smith
My wife and my ex-wife have been at each other’s throats for years over my adult son (25) who expects a lot from me. My ex-wife wants him to get all he can from me. This has become much worse over the past few months as things have been tighter financially and what I give to my son takes from what my wife can enjoy. My wife says he should be out earning a living while my ex-wife wants him to concentrate on his studies. He doesn’t have a job at the moment while he is in university. Please help.
What do you want?
is somewhat clear to me while what you want remains unsaid. What do you want? You are the one writing the cheques. It immediately jars that a 25-year-old man is not working. I know he is studying, but if your son were to get a job and go to university, he will not be the first to do so. Support him financially until his studies are complete – but I’d suggest you substantially reduce his support so he has to seek part time employment. Tell him what you are planning before you put any plan into action.
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January 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am a gay man in my 40s and very comfortable with my life. My father ended our relationship when I told him I was gay about 15 years ago. I have heard he is very, very ill and I would like to see him. Is this likely to dig up stuff for me in a harmful or a helpful way? I am more nervous than I expected but I find I am no longer angry at him at all. Your ideas and suggestions would be appreciated.”
Humble yourself and visit your father. Perhaps it is time for you to care for your father in ways you have thought him unable to care for you.
Forgive. Forgive, and forgive- no matter what “surfaces” for you.
Your degree of comfort with your life will be tried and tested by your capacity to embrace your estranged father – especially if his views and attitudes remain unchanged.
This is not about sexuality, or about winning or losing, or about any degree of discomfort you may feel in facing your past – rather, I believe it is about an adult son and a father finding peace, and each other.
Parenting your father, as he nears the end of his life, will offer each of you the ultimate challenge to overcome that that which has divided you for so long and, I believe, your whole family will be better off for it.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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January 5, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been single for a few years after a 5 year marriage and I think it is time for me to start dating. The few men I have met or that I hear other women talk about want to get settled or they are looking for a step mother for their children after a rough divorce. I am not sure I am willing to put up with all it takes to find someone. What is the time span that would be healthy to leave before I date after a divorce? Is it unfair to date men when you have no real intention of marrying again?”
Take up your life....
allow at least one full calendar year (sometimes much longer) after any major relationship trauma has occurred before a similar relationship is once again pursued.
It seems, from reading your brief letter, that you are ready to look any man fully in the face and announce exactly what you want and do not want. I do not believe it is unfair to date while not seeking something permanent.
What is always unfair is giving the impression you want something that you are really not looking for at all.
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January 4, 2010
by Rod Smith
“It’s the sugar, hunger, or being tired that causes the my girlfriend’s children’s outbursts. It is never that ‘mom’ argues with her children and any threat of punishment never ever happens. My daughter is now refusing to be around us, wondering how and why she has to behave while my girlfriend’s children are allowed to be monsters. It’s about to end our relationship. I have sat in public too many times embarrassed by their behavior. It is sad but I am being asked to help her in controlling her children but when I do she defends their actions and then yells at me! I tell her if she’d treat her children the way she treats me her problems would be solved!” (Minimal edits)
Get out of the middle...
– and, I have seen myself do the same thing. It is illogical and unreasonable, but children often wield disproportionate power with parents and it seems more often so with single parents. The parent is often blind to unhelpful parenting behaviors while the “errors” are glaring for all who look on. Yet it remains a road to ruin when an “outsider” (even if you are the significant other) becomes involved in correcting another’s children – even, believe it or not, when such help is requested.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triangles, Voice |
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January 3, 2010
by Rod Smith
“You frequently write to “get out of the middle” and “mind your own business” as if it is easy to do. It is not. My sons (all adults) and my new husband cannot get along and it frustrates me to no end. I am in the middle and it is my business. What can I do to help them?”
Separate yourself so they can find their own relationships.
how important it is to you, and then leave it. Every time you run interference for your sons or your husband, and try to maneuver their relationships, you make it all the more unlikely that your sons and husband will deal with whatever keeps them at loggerheads.
You might find some relief knowing that a new partner in a second marriage, simply by the role acquired, is positioned for rejection. It can come, at least at first, with the territory. Of course this is not always true or insurmountable. Be sure, it will be pushed further from resolution while you, and not the men in question, are working at it.
What you can do is identify why you are so anxious that everyone gets along. It is possible to be family and accommodate varying degrees of acceptance and rejection.
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