April 12, 2010
by Rod Smith
You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout – yet you wish for it. You say something, then – wish you hadn’t. You know that no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will get magnified out of all proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted, misquoted, and repeated incorrectly forever. You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love but have second thoughts (actually a million thoughts!) about how love is supposed to feel.
You are usually wrong and you are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or, you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out you are “looking for trouble.”
In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky. Innocence is guilt. Pointing out obvious error is entrapment. You are exhausted with the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot, or will not, take responsibility for his or her own needs. You “share” life with an emotional piranha and yet, for some unfathomable reason, you stay, feeling unable to escape.
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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April 10, 2010
by Rod Smith
Expect sabotage....
Gathered from several sources (Murray Bowen, Edwin Friedman and others) here are principles to steer your life into a more powerful journey than you might already be enjoying:
1. Stay “in relationship” with persons with whom you are facing conflict. Cutting off is seldom helpful.
2. Expect sabotage – it will arise naturally from persons threatened by your success. Remain aware sabotage could also arise because you are pushy. Be sufficiently self-aware so you can tell the difference.
3. Set personal goals that are higher than the limitations others will readily set for you.
4. Intentionally increase your levels of intimacy while simultaneously, with the same persons, intentionally declare your distinctness.
5. Try to say yes more often than you say no. Live with the expectation of adventure rather than be overly cautious and fearful.
6. Give up all attempts to monitor and control ALL other adults. Remember it is NOT love if it not thoroughly based on freedom of choice, thought, expression. Remote controls are for TVs not people.
7. Forgive absolutely, unilaterally before it is asked and if it is not. This is about you, not the person offending or hurting you. Forgiving others does not mean condoning hurtful actions or passively watching it occur.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership |
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April 8, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m in my early thirties and married for two years. I have lost all interest in sex. My wife has been trying to help but now she is angry, frustrated, and hurt. I feel more and more depressed. I love my wife and it hurts to see her cry. When she kisses me I shut down. I tell her to stop; I laugh it off, or pretend I’m busy. I am trying to figure this out and I can’t. The best conclusion is that I am very stressed. I have a lot of anxiety right now. I don’t know why but I went from being the ‘alpha male’ to avoiding confrontations. I don’t know who I am anymore. My wife has been an angel and I seem to be getting worse. I don’t want to go out of my marriage. I am being 100% honest when I say that my wife is very attractive and fit, and sexy. I am frustrated and angry with myself. I am at the end of my rope and I think so is she. I am not gay. The worst part is we want kids and just the thought of having to have sex. I am just considering going to the doctor and getting anxiety pills to help me.” (Edited)
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Space |
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April 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
“The man I date and I are compatible. Months ago he received a call but would not answer. I found this strange. He became defensive and I have been suspicious since. I did what I should not have done and found numerous messages to and from a girlfriend. He denied seeing anyone. I called the girlfriend who said she was in a relationship with him. He says there is no relationship. She confirmed she wants nothing more to do with him but I have found out that they are still speaking. I am now confused because he continues to see me. I am uncertain about where this is going. I find it strange that she would say she is a relationship with him but he denies it.” (Edited)
Don't police him.....
You’re dating. It is supposed to be fun. Playing phone police is not. Stop monitoring him. He is an adult who can have as many friends as he chooses – unless you both decide otherwise.
The confusing thing is not that he continues to see you, but that you, given your mistrust, continue to see him. Find a man who desires monitoring. They exist, and, the bonus is, they perceive controlling behavior to be evidence of real love.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, High maintenance relationships |
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March 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been with my husband for 21 years now, married for 19. I loved him madly when we met and could not wait to get married and have kids. Have three gorgeous boys (18, 16, and 11). My husband has beaten me and cheated on me. He has another child with another woman who is only 3-years-old – all while we have been married. His children hate him and don’t respect him at all. Now I have met another guy and I’m crazy about him. He has even asked me to leave my husband and I’m seriously considering it, but why am I so scared of taking this step? Help me please.”
it will be from the fire, into the fire.....
Until you find some peace with your marriage, or until you are free of it for a year or two, any man who shows you some thoughtfulness and attention will appear as a knight in shining armor. Don’t confuse attention with love.
Leaving your husband (a scary thought even for women in the worst of circumstances) given his abusive behavior ought to be given consideration. Hooking up with some guy you are crazy about ought to terrify you. Don’t do it. Not yet, anyway.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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March 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
Leadership is often misunderstood. I see leaders (pastors, teachers, coaches) looking for formulas, for steps, for ways to show who is boss. They look for workers (congregants, students, athletes) who will make them appear successful. I have seen leaders grasping for power and status in the illusive search of abating feelings of inadequacy.
And when we (every leader is prone to these temptations) do any of these things as leaders, we miss the point.
Leadership is an inside job.
It’s an internal condition. It’s understanding a function, a role, rather than becoming an identity in which we glory.
Authentic leaders are more interested in changing themselves than they are in changing others. They are more committed to personal integration (reducing hypocrisy) than they are into pushing, moving, manipulating others in a particular direction.
In pursuit of greater levels of personal integration, authentic leaders are ruthlessly honest with themselves and with a few core carefully chosen family members and carefully chosen friends. They are unafraid of feedback, and when and if they are, they overcome it by facing the fear and enduring the feedback. Authentic leaders consistently pursue the double-edged goal of constantly increasing both intimacy and autonomy at one and the same time.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening |
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March 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Forgiveness is a wonderful, divine, gift. It can most dramatically precipitate healing among and within people. He who chooses to forgive seldom loses. He (or she) who initiates forgiveness reveals his strength. It is the stronger person who is first to forgive, and when the exchange is made, both parties – the forgiver and the forgiven – each benefit from the act.
As quickly as you find it possible, and can muster the strength from within you: forgive when you have been wronged; when you are uncomfortable being around a particular person and would rather avoid them; when you find you have little or nothing positive to say to or about someone; when you always look for a way to avoid a certain person;
when you find it hard to think positive thoughts about someone.
Forgive when someone’s actions (real or perceived) seem to be buried or sealed into your consciousness and you can’t seem to free them from the prison in your head. Forgive when you feel haunted by someone whose acts against you will not let you go.
Forgiveness links us with the divine, heals fragile families, hurting communities and restores hope within broken people – and sets the forgiver free.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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March 25, 2010
by Rod Smith
Opposite spirit: it's more difficlut than it sounds....
Youth With a Mission’s founders, Loren and Darleen Cunningham, are two of my heroes.
Pioneering what has, in 50 years, become a vast army of people serving God and others, “YWAM” (Durban has a base, too) has been an agent of grace and change in remarkable ways all over the world.
The Cunninghams speak often of “the opposite spirit”, a concept I find deeply challenging.
Here’s a complex concept in a nutshell: If someone wants to fight (argue, be antagonistic) identify and offer the opposite (peace, grace, cooperation). If someone is arrogant or pushy, offer praise and acceptance. Resist the natural urge to fight the fighter or bring someone down a peg or two.
I’ve seen Loren do this. I’ve seen him learn from those who would do better to listen and learn from him. I’ve seen him stare down an angry person, not with force or power, but with love and acceptance. I have seen him repeatedly give, when he himself is in need.
My inner-urge to fight fire with fire is strong, but the likes or Loren, and many people whom I have met in YWAM, have shown me that it is more productive and helpful to “go counter”, to offer kindness, when others are bent on offering its antithesis.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Trust |
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March 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
My ex-husband and I are continually at war about when he can see our son. He changes plans and I have to re-arrange things. My son (5) doesn’t seem to care if he sees his dad or not and I am starting to think it is not worth the bother. My ex is a very kind man, he is just very busy and cannot always predict his work schedule. Please help.
Being “at war” with a “kind man” must be preferable to “war” with one who is unkind. Your acknowledgment of his kindness is, I suspect, as healthy as your acknowledgment that his inconsistencies are apparently the result of variables outside of his control.
Your son’s appearance to not care about seeing his dad ought not fool you. The child probably feels caught up in your frustrations and knows that demonstrating his desire to see his father may further upset you. Don’t underestimate a child’s ability to play the role of peacekeeper.
Cooperate all you can to get your son to his dad as often as is pleasing to both parents. The likelihood of your paying a stiff price later on, if the boy perceives you as having kept him from his dad, is very strong.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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March 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
tread wisely, don't bleed.....
When your organization suffers through layoffs, cutbacks….
If you are staying or going don’t bleed, spread rumors, or generate further confusion. Don’t talk to people on the ‘outside’ or ruin the perceptions of innocent parties. Use your “I” voice, not a “we” voice. Speak only of your own perceptions and only when specifically asked. Be a “step-down” transformer (one who reduces anxiety) rather than a “step-up” transformer (one who escalates or amplifies anxiety).
Try to listen more than you talk. Resist rumors and “toxic talk” by stopping it in its tracks.
Resist the natural urge to confuse the work environment with family. Your workplace might be “like a family” but it is not. Families usually accommodate immature behavior. Workplaces usually cannot afford it. Workplaces hire and fire; families usually don’t.
Remember there are no “closed” doors or absolutely private conversations. Everything you say must pass through your internal filter of: “Is it true, helpful, kind, necessary?” It is truly a remarkable day when a person discovers that not everything he or she thinks or feels has to be expressed.
How you respond under stress (even under perceived unfairness) will speak volumes about the kind of human you are. How you go (terminate, depart, say goodbye) may invalidate everything you accomplished while employed.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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