March 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband has been acting strangely since December. I’ve been trying to pry from him whatever is bothering him, but we these talks have led to nothing. He stopped saying ‘I love you too’ on the phone, which also hurts me. I finally told him we needed a serious talk. He didn’t actually tell me that he didn’t love me, but he won’t respond. He told me he has bottled up so many emotions and problems over the past year that they just festered inside and he’s rotted away with them. He wants help but we cannot afford it right now. I’ve always told him to tell me how he feels or if something I am doing is wrong, but he just keeps everything inside. Now he is a lifeless shell that goes through the same routine every day. I want to tell him I love him but it hurts to hear ‘okay’ in response.” (Edited)
Festering inside! Lifeless shell! Rotting away? I’d suggest your husband cannot afford not to get help. Unless there are entire chapters of your husband’s life that he is not divulging, it appears your husband is battling at least some form of depression. Beg or borrow, do anything ethical to get professional help.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Marriage |
Leave a Comment »
February 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
1. Buy groceries and, after a few days, make a special meal for all to enjoy.
2. If there is a maid, pay her very well when you leave.
3. Schedule some face-to-face time with your hosts each day.
4. Don’t assume the phone or Internet is free.
5. Avoid comparing where you live (politics, economy, crime statistics, way of life) with where you are visiting.
6. Don’t discipline other people’s children, offer your hosts marriage counseling, or criticize the decor.
7. Say “please” and “thank you.”
8. Don’t invade every corner of the home. Clean up after yourself.
9. Don’t insert yourself into every conversation.
10. Create your own schedule but let your host know if you will be home for meals.
11. Realize your hosts probably have to continue with “life as usual” even if you are on holiday.
12. If you are offered use of a car ALWAYS leave it clean and FULL of gas (petrol) even if it was dirty and on empty when you first got the car.
13. Don’t complain about how expensive things are or of the lack of things you are accustomed to having.
14. Don’t ever belittle your spouse, especially in someone else’s home.
15. Leave a gift at the end of your stay.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
Leave a Comment »
February 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take Up Your Life
, manipulation, domination, or intimidation. Spiritual Abuse (which is always expressed in varying degrees) is occurring when a pastor, leader, or even a friend:
1. “Hears” God for you. God apparently “goes through” him/her to speak to you. (This requires a sense of superiority – from him or her and is often framed as being “more mature,” and a sense of being “less” from you.)
2. Alienates (shuns, ignores) you if you do not adhere to his/her guidance, leadership, or authority. (This is usually VERY subtle – so it is easy to deny.)
3. Suggests that rejection of his/her “higher understanding” is done so at your spiritual or even physical peril. (You will hear things like, “Be careful. You will move yourself from the covering and protection of God.”)
4. Rewards your obedience with inclusion, and punishes your questioning or resistance with withdrawal. (Compliance gets stroked, resistance gets struck!)
5. Demands “cathartic” honesty. Unless you spew out every detail of your life you must be hiding or withholding something (and that “something” will, of course, impede your spiritual development).
6. Lavishes you with praise, acceptance, and understanding when you are “good” and “pushes” you away when you are “bad.”
7. Is apparently fixated on the use of titles like reverend, pastor, elder and cannot appear to relax in the company of “ordinary” mortals. The issue is not in the use of legitimate titles (or robes or religious garb) – it is that identity seems impossible without the titles or the trappings.
8. Leaves a trail of cut-off relationships. Usually in the trail are those who refuse to bow, to submit, to stand in awe of, to be thoroughly entranced by, the will of the pastor, the leader or the friend. Always regard with suspicion or caution leaders who are cut off or alienated from members of their family, especially their parents.
9. Lives from a “for me/or against me,” “black/white,” “all/or nothing” platform of “relationships.”
10. Genuinely sees God’s Call so zealously, so fervently that any signs of resistance are seen as the expressions of The Enemy or an enemy – thus, relationships are expedient (disposable) in the light of getting on with God’s work.
The perpetrators of abuse apparently fail to see that reconciliation, and forgiveness, “space,” and room to move, and room to respectfully disagree (boundaries, morality) are all part of the glorious work of the Gospel. Freedom begins with recognition. Recognition must result in action. Stand up to those who misuse their positions of leadership. Spiritual abuse serves the welfare or neither the perpetrator nor the victim – quite apart from the disservice it does to the church.
(This post is written in honor of “J” in Honolulu – I am sorry for all you had to endure.)
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication |
13 Comments »
January 15, 2009
by Rod Smith
My boyfriend of 10 years says he doesn’t love me anymore and is tired of pretending. I feel like I just lost my best friend. I don’t understand how a man can go out every night and drink while he has a beautiful woman at home? He’s not seeing anyone else. He claims he wants to be alone. I know he is getting brain washed by his brother who has had a failed marriage and who would hate to see his brother happy. His brother has always put me down and has gone as far to call me ugly. This is a sad situation because my boyfriend is letting his brother win. I know my boyfriend is a good man with good intentions who is throwing away our relationship to make his brother happy. Please give me some advice.
Order through link on the right
to the brother than any brother can wield – except if your boyfriend was inclined to want to detach from you already. Mourn. Take stock of who you are and where you want to go with you life. Pick yourself up. If you work hard to stop him leaving, keeping him will require even harder work. Who could possibly want to live like that?
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, In-laws |
1 Comment »
January 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been in a four-year relationship with a married man. I still believe in his love but also believe he needs a push to do the right thing. I told him he has to own up to the affair and tell the wife himself, or I will tell her. I am not walking away with nothing after giving four years of my life. Then the wife can either have the choice of working things out with him or getting a divorce. It’s the women always make the decisions in the end.”
You might believe in “his love” (for you) but it is hard to believe you have any love for him. You clearly ignored any “push” to do the “right thing” and regard married men as “off limits.” While you are apparently vengeful and determined, you will most certainly find only temporary and limited personal peace.
I hope you will have some dramatic moment of insight, some divine encounter, an event of sorts that transforms you from within, and makes you ready to learn and ready love in ways that are helpful to you and to all persons in your sphere of influence.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication |
2 Comments »
December 23, 2008
by Rod Smith
My father, E. W. G. Smith, loved Christmas. We could get him into a Father Christmas suit anytime of the year. He and Jimmy Ross, the jazz pianist and our neighbor, would use the same old and tattered suit and visit each others children with old pillowcases thrown over their backs – even in August.
Come Christmas Eve and dad would sing about the “little boy that Santa Clause forgot.” Real tears would stream down his face. I knew he was crying for his own lost boyhood. I knew he was the boy that Santa Clause forgot, and I knew he was the boy who went home to “last year’s broken toys.”
He did something about his own deprivation by providing for others: I vividly recall my father packing large boxes of groceries from the shelves of his general dealer shop in Blackburn Road and placing them anonymously on the doorstep of a family he knew to have hit hard times.
And now, all these years later, I challenge you to seize the day. Go ahead, get out there, and make someone’s Christmas through exercising your own deep desire for generosity – I know it is in there, it comes with the human package.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family |
1 Comment »
December 1, 2008
by Rod Smith
I got a wonderful welcome in Korea!
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
October 30, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I have been in a relationship for two years with my married, former college professor. How in the world do I end this? I have never been in love. I was raised a strict Catholic, even looking at a married man was against my morals. Somehow I got lost. I looked up to him so much now the man who I thought was my hero has destroyed me. How do I end this?”
As you have discovered, layers of deception under girding your covert liaison cannot lead to long-term fulfillment. The imbalance of power, and your vulnerability, while skewing the responsibility toward this devious professor, does not let you off the hook. You too, are an adult. Regarding your faith: this is not about knowledge. It is about distorted “space” (the room and the distance between you) and very fuzzy boundaries. Take the initiative. Cut all ties. Offer no explanation. Don’t fall for the “closure” nonsense. The pain you will experience is worth it, and will be nothing compared to the pain you will know when the relationship is exposed, or when the professor decides to go his selfish way and to cut off from you. You deserve better, but will not find it until you walk through this fire, get some rest, gain perspective, and then are able to move on.
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
October 15, 2008
by Rod Smith
I have known my boyfriend for eight months and recently moved in with him. He has a son (11) and a daughter (15) who come every Wednesday and every second weekend. My three young children live with us. When we discussed the move with all the children together they seemed very happy. We discussed house rules and who would be sharing rooms. So far all has worked well with four of the five children. His son however complains of headaches and stomach aches and makes comments like ‘I would rather be at mom’s house’ and ‘I need time alone.’ My son has moved into his room with him and they get on quite well. His son had his father to himself for about four years where they did everything together. I understand that this must be very difficult adjustment for him but it is causing some conflict between his father and me. How I can help him to feel more comfortable without us having to move out to let him have his father back? (Shortened)
Do all you can to get out of their way. It’s the father’s issue, not yours. Regard it as a pre-existing condition. I am surprised only one child is reacting to the change. I will say more on this tomorrow.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
October 7, 2008
by Rod Smith
My family has constant struggles and I am always trying to define myself and things seem better for a while and then I slip back into old patterns. Are there books you’d suggest everyone read to get a handle on living well?
Regarding your observations within your family – my experience is exactly like yours. I too slip back into former patterns. Then, once I notice it is occurring, I re-group, and try again! Such is the nature of growth and change. Embrace it.
What to read? I’d suggest Harriet Lerner’s books for men and women, even though the books are specifically written for women. I call the books the “Dance” series for each book has the word “dance” in the title. For the more committed student of families and family process I’d highly recommend Rabbi Friedman’s Generation to Generation. Then, for persons challenged by the often-messy dynamics of intimate relationships, I’d suggest either The Sexual Crucible or Passionate Marriage, both are by David Schnarch. Perhaps the most challenging book I have read in the past few years, and it is particularly geared to leaders, is Rabbi Friedman’s Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of a Quick Fix.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
1 Comment »
difficultrelationships.com 