1. I will not panic.
2. There are probably many options I have not considered.
3. How I respond to this will be more important than the issue itself.
4. This is not about specific people; rather it is about the environment I have allowed to develop between or among us.
5. No matter how tough things get I will not resort to lies, making others the scapegoat for any issues.
6. I will enter every conflict with the intention of facing and resolving problems and forgiving my foes.
7. I will enter tough meetings or conflicted circumstances with a spirit of humility, a desire to be a healing presence, and a set of possible solutions.
8. I will promote love and understanding, even at the expense of appearing weak or appearing “wrong”.
9. I will attempt to listen more than I talk.
10. I will not resort to insulting or humiliating others in order to support my position or strengthen my case.
11. I will be responsible for myself, and responsible to and not for others.
Ten, actaully 11, things to think and say to yourself when you get the feeling you are headed for a crises…..
I am a no-name-brand woman…..
“I am a ‘no-name-brand woman’ you wrote about. If my husband is favouring a good mood then he will use his made up name for me but never my Christian name. When I insist it is like water off a duck’s back and he uses such a long drawn out tone that I feel like a fool. After so many years of this indifferent approach I have pulled back and do not initiate intimacy. It seems he does not need closeness in his marriage and finds being loving too much of an effort. God forbid he holds my hand in public or puts his arm around me. If we need to walk anywhere he sets the pace and I am left walking 10 paces behind. I am still attractive and have a lovely figure so why does he resent being happy and proud of his wife? He is the breadwinner and always reminds us of that fact and thinks that he provides enough and does not need to provide emotions as well.” (Edited)
You got here together! Take responsibility for cooperating with rudeness and disregard. Become an expert on your behavior, not his. Until you get a voice and are prepared to lose your marriage you will be treated with callous indifference.
A challenge to young girls……
Begin now, today, to be the kind of woman you want to become in the future:
1. Stand up for yourself without pushing anyone else over. Speak your mind. Say what you want to say. See what you see. Say what you see you see.
2. Be your own “virus protection” program by keeping the “bad” out and let the good in. Bad: gossip, unfriendliness, rudeness, lies, unnecessarily excluding others. Good: standing up for what is right, good, and just, being “open” and not “closed” to others, being welcoming and friendly to more than just your closest friends.
3. Decide to be a kind and good person even when you see people being mean to others.
4. Choose to be an agent of healing when others are hurt.
5. Don’t surrender your power to anyone – it is always yours to foster, protect, and use, first for your own good, then for the good of others.
Rebuilding trust is no cakewalk…….
“I’ve just ended a five-year affair with a married man. I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years. There were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about. The intimacy was unbelievable and we became soul mates. He took photos of me and sent them to my husband. I want to stop this, to get rid of this. I want to live happy life with my husband and make my child happy. Please advise.” (Edited grammar only) Your anger is misdirected.....
Presumably your husband will have to decide if he desires to continue to remain married. If he does, afford him extended time to vent his understandably angry feelings. Expect mistrust. Expect him to second-guess your every move. Unraveling deceit; exchanging it with trust – is no cakewalk.
Having come clean with your husband, some freedom and happiness might emerge in a few months, but it is likely to be years before the ramifications of your infidelity will sufficiently fade to render you totally free.
You descirbed me down to the last “t”…..
Readers respond to the “Emotional nightmare” column…
“I read your column about being in an emotional nightmare. I want you to know I escaped. It took me 11 years. Amazing: I feel like you jumped into my psyche and wrote about my nasty adventure with my husband’s daughter whom I invited very nicely out of my life in January. Now she has her daddy all to herself. She thought I was the reason her daddy did not return her calls, her emails and of course told everyone who would listen that it is because of me. I should have THAT much power! The wonderful thing is that now I laugh at all the things she did. I got out of the emotional merry go round. I have no regrets that I don’t have to spend one more minute in her company unless I absolutely want to. Maybe I’ll want to in 2012. It is such a release to get rid of energy vampires. It takes courage but it’s worth it. I’m in a better place now.” (Edited)
“Your article on ‘Emotional nightmare” described me down to the last ‘T.’ It was a big shock to the system and ego.” (Extracted from longer letter)
Setting your goals for the week could change your entire life…..
Expect sabotage....
1. Stay “in relationship” with persons with whom you are facing conflict. Cutting off is seldom helpful.
2. Expect sabotage – it will arise naturally from persons threatened by your success. Remain aware sabotage could also arise because you are pushy. Be sufficiently self-aware so you can tell the difference.
3. Set personal goals that are higher than the limitations others will readily set for you.
4. Intentionally increase your levels of intimacy while simultaneously, with the same persons, intentionally declare your distinctness.
5. Try to say yes more often than you say no. Live with the expectation of adventure rather than be overly cautious and fearful.
6. Give up all attempts to monitor and control ALL other adults. Remember it is NOT love if it not thoroughly based on freedom of choice, thought, expression. Remote controls are for TVs not people.
7. Forgive absolutely, unilaterally before it is asked and if it is not. This is about you, not the person offending or hurting you. Forgiving others does not mean condoning hurtful actions or passively watching it occur.
I am confused because he continues to see me……
“The man I date and I are compatible. Months ago he received a call but would not answer. I found this strange. He became defensive and I have been suspicious since. I did what I should not have done and found numerous messages to and from a girlfriend. He denied seeing anyone. I called the girlfriend who said she was in a relationship with him. He says there is no relationship. She confirmed she wants nothing more to do with him but I have found out that they are still speaking. I am now confused because he continues to see me. I am uncertain about where this is going. I find it strange that she would say she is a relationship with him but he denies it.” (Edited)
Don't police him.....
The confusing thing is not that he continues to see you, but that you, given your mistrust, continue to see him. Find a man who desires monitoring. They exist, and, the bonus is, they perceive controlling behavior to be evidence of real love.
He helped me through a dark time……
“I’m 31. My husband is 69. I have a young daughter. When my mother was dying my husband helped me through a very dark time. In a state of confusion I ended up moving in and marring him. He is good to my daughter and me but we have never ever had sex. He doesn’t even try. I feel alone and empty. I started an affair with a wonderful man and can feel myself falling in love with him. When I’m with him he lights my whole life up. When I leave him I feel sad and torn. I don’t feel close to anyone and really want to leave. As much as I want to go I don’t want to hurt my husband but staying is killing me. I’m so unhappy I am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain. Any advice?”
Find face-to-face counseling that will assist you to talk things through with your husband. An affair, tablets, and playing hide-and-seek will temporarily alleviate the issues, but not resolve the issues in your sexless, unhappy marriage. Of course your affair “lights up” your “whole life.” This is what affairs do. They also seduce participants away from the “real” issues and offer avoidance, not love.
A father writes…..
“I follow you articles with interest. Your column on ‘forgiveness’, has never been more appropriate or relevant as it was today. On Sunday night, after my wife and I had conflict with our son, our hearts were broken and we felt betrayed and offended. In our minds our son was beautiful, caring, and a model of consistency. This was shattered in one moment. We all cried!
I went to his room to say goodnight and that I love him, but I did not forgive him. I don’t think either of us slept.
The next day (today) I left for work before he woke up. My heart was very heavy. I read the paper and with it came your ‘forgiveness’ article.
I copied it and took it home then and there. It could not have come at a better time.
It made me realize a few things: Nobody is perfect; my job as his father is to protect, offer advice, guide, respect and most of all love; I need to provide him with an environment that he can make mistakes and allow for normal engagement. He must not be afraid to come to me, for anything. I can’t wait to see him tonight!
Thanks for the help, I really needed it.”
(Edited for space and privacy)
My whole week was full of butterflies…….
“I’ve been married for a year. The marriage has been horrible. He has cheated multiple times and been violent at times. We have a mutual friend who I started liking him because he’s a really nice guy and my marriage was bad. So a week ago I told him how I feel about him and he revealed he also had feelings. My whole week was full of butterflies and emotions I never got from my husband. Yesterday my husband and I agree on a divorce but then he changed his mind and we had a big argument with violence and cops. So my husband’s gone and today my ‘friend’ phone and tells me to stop calling him because he doesn’t want trouble. Talk about my heart being crushed! I think I’m in denial because I’m trying to let it go and say it is his loss and I’ll get somebody better but I really had my hopes on this guy. Very sad.”
I agree it is sad, perhaps for reasons other than your stated reasons. Fulfillment is not found in having a man, but rather in growing up. It’s in becoming a fully productive person; it is in developing your skills, pursuing your dreams, whether you have a relationship or not.
difficultrelationships.com 