November 10, 2006
by Rod Smith
My child (12) has become less and less interested in school over the past few months. He is lethargic and you’d think school was the worst place on Earth to have to go. He has always loved school and I don’t want him to become totally disengaged. Could it be the onset of puberty that is causing him to be so different than he was but a few months ago?
Yes. It could be the result of some of the physical changes he is, and will continue to face, as a young man. Do not allow this to be your way of excusing his lack of interest in school. Address his lethargy with him face-to-face in the most loving and kind way you are capable. Talk with him about the attitudinal changes you have noticed, but offer him no excuse for the adaptations he will have to make in order to stay on top of his academic pursuits. Your son, if he is to be a success, will have to adjust to a lot more in his life than the onset of puberty. As confusing as this time may be for him, offering it to him as an excuse to be lazy will only add to his confusions. If his lethargy persists, take him to your pediatrician for a check-up.
Posted in Children, Communication |
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November 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
Twelve things to resist asking parents of adopted children:
1. Where did you get them?
2. Who are the real parents?
3. Are these your real children?
4. Are they real brothers?
5. How long have you had them?
6. Do you find it easy to love children who are not your own?
7. Do you worry that one day they will leave you and look for their real family?
8. Do you know his medical history?
9. Why did their real mother reject them?
10. Did you know my brother (sister, uncle, aunty, in-laws, former neighors) adopted a child twenty years ago and it ruined their family?
11. Do you think you love them as much as you’d love your own children?
12. Have you caste the spirit of rejection out of them?
All of the above – in one form or another – have been asked of me over the past eight years. The worst, or most ignorant of offenders, are those persons who are so wildly invasive that they ask the questions in front of the children, as if the children are deaf or invisible, and then consider me rude for politely (sometimes not so politely) letting them know that some things are none of their business!
Posted in Children, Teenagers |
11 Comments »
October 24, 2006
by Rod Smith
People in Healthy Families:
1. Are spontaneous, creative, courageous, and forgiving
2. Are full of humor and laughter
3. Put people ahead of careers
4. Readily face tough issues when they arise
5. Support each other in their endeavors, and want each other to succeed
6. Believe in each other and speak highly of each other
7. Are not overly focused on each other to the point that anyone feels overcrowded
8. Can get time apart, without falling apart
9. Place a high regard on integrity in every way
10. Resist jealousy
11. Resist rescuing each other
12. Are not afraid to give children loving discipline and correction
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers |
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October 19, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My son (16) is drinking secretly. I do not want him to have a life dependent on alcohol. I’m single and he is my only child. He drinks with his friends. I’ve been around drinking all my life. What must I do?”
Rod Responds: Pray for courage to be the kind of mother a boy needs at a very crucial time. Meditate upon how much you love him, how deeply you are committed to him. Try to see the world through his eyes by identifying his pressures and conflicts. Don’t say a word more to him about this, or take any further action until you have done your preparation. Having done your inner-preparation, which might take weeks, choose a time when he is most open, and when you are most relaxed, to express your love and your fears. Tell him you fear an addicted life is probably in his future if he doesn’t take better charge of his behavior and become a more responsible captain of his own ship. Offer him access to professional help.
Your “internal” work is important because you will not successfully “strong-arm” him into sobriety, and any such attempts will only serve to distance him from you. Conflict between you will serve neither of you any helpful purpose.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Differentiation, Parenting/Children |
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October 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I wish my ex-husband were more involved in our children’s lives. He pays child support without fail and he sends birthday presents and he phones the children but he doesn’t see them very often. Even though he lives in another town it is not that far for him to come and see them but he only comes down about once a month. The children get so excited to see him but I just wish they could see him more often. He is re-married and has two more children.”
It appears that your ex-husband is meeting his financial obligations and is keeping in contact with his children. This is to be applauded. Of course you (and the children) would like his greater involvement with the children, but it appears that this is something over which you have no control.
Try to keep your focus upon being the healthiest mother you can be given the circumstances you find yourself in with your children. It is understandable that you might readily reflect upon what their father is or is not doing, but this will not do you or the children any good.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Recovery |
1 Comment »
October 16, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I am dating a woman who has three children (8, 13, 15) from a marriage that ended long ago. She is determined to be a good friend to her ex-husband. This means the ex-husband is almost always in the picture and it seems like he is still part of the family. I am uncomfortable with this. It feels like they have never really divorced in some ways. Please help.” (Paraphrase of a much longer letter)
Get out of the middle!
No matter how much love you may develop for each other, as father of the children, her ex is going to be a part of the family equation. Any attempts, on your part, to interfere, or restrict his involvement, will come back to haunt only you. If the day comes that she wants to lessen her contact with him, I’d suggest it be at her initiation, not yours. I am fully aware that this may seem “off the wall” to many, but if you, the new man in the children’s lives, try to construct the dynamics according to your will, it will all begin, over time, to cave in on you. Leave any social re-organizing to the woman whom you are dating and offer her all the support she needs in facing her very tough task.
Posted in Children, Communication, Divorce, Family, Marriage, Re-marriage |
40 Comments »
October 12, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My wife is a very difficult person who wants everything her way or she punishes the family in harsh and secretive ways. She gives the impression that she is selfless and giving but in reality it is all about her. I am a very faithful man but I do understand why men have affairs. There is no warmth in our home (from her) so you can only imagine how cold our bedroom is! I stay for my children’s sake and also because I committed to be married “until death us do part.” I can honestly say I have tried to salvage this marriage and all I get back are the vibes of disapproval from an angry woman. She says she doesn’t want to be married but she also doesn’t want to get divorced. (Letter paraphrased)
I hope both of you consider what this marriage is teaching the children about love and life. Stand up to your wife and expose her passive-aggressive ways! You sound like one who is victimized and intimidated by his wife and his circumstances. I challenge you to want much more from your marriage than you are apparently getting. What is it about you that you are willing to settle for so little?
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Children, Communication, Domination, Marriage, Spousal abuse, Victims |
23 Comments »
October 4, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My seventeen-year-old stepson is not required to do any work around the house, clean his room, earn money, or go to school when he does not feel like it. He talks to his mother like (she is) a dog and gets into our private business as adults. Several times has sworn (cussed) and shouted at me with no consequences for it. I am supposed to do everything I can for him and yet he treats me with no respect at all. His mother will bend over backwards to do anything for him and I am always (made out to be) the bad guy. I am leaving this relationship.”
Rod Responds: The young man did not get to this point alone. He had at least three adults help (enable) him to become this difficult. It is likely that the viruses that came with the re-marriage (guilt, over-compensation, avoidance, lack of definition, and so forth) remained latent in the early years of the new marriage and while he was younger.
When a person is allowed to violate the boundaries of others, relational diseases grow. When ignored, relationship viruses will multiply, and relationships will reach the state described by the reader. These relationships may be irreconcilable.
Some foresight, planning and clarity, offered by the adults, might have avoided this bitter ending.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships |
1 Comment »
September 26, 2006
by Rod Smith
I get a number of letters each week about stepparenting, gone awry. The theme is usually something like, “the children were wonderful in the beginning,” and, “I am the only father/mother they could trust” and, “now I am being accused of trying to take over,” or “he/she said I am invading his/her boundaries,” and, “this is the last thing I expected from what was a very cute and loving little boy/girl.” Please help.
While such scenarios are hurtful to the well-meaning stepparent, whose honest desire is to love, guide and care for the child who accompanies the new spouse into the new marriage, the potential problems must be seen in a context: the child has emerged from the ruins of something (a broken marriage or relationship of some sort).
The adults in the “new” family constellations must address some matters from the very outset by avoiding the “too-much-too-soon” trap. This is the temptation is to be “larger” to a young child than the length, or depth, of the relationship can realistically allow. (Don’t behave like the relationship is longer or deeper than it actually is).
If you are entering a blended family, do not be “more” to the children, even if they will allow it. Being “more,” “bigger,” “greater,” than a biological parent will almost always come back to haunt the well-meaning “new” mom or dad.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
1 Comment »
September 20, 2006
by Rod Smith
..reading to him while he is an infant, with him while he is a child, and alongside him when he is in his early teens.
..leaving as much of his school work and associated responsibilities up to him as early as possible.
..believing in his teachers, and in their capacity to inspire him to achieve worthwhile goals.
..refusing to compare a his academic or sporting achievements with anyone but with his own past achievements.
…reminding him he is 100% responsible for 100% of his behavior and his attitude at school, home, and everywhere he goes.
..keeping a shared, handwritten journal where you alternate entries with your son about anything affirming you’d both like to say about anything.
..encouraging as little exposure to TV in your home as possible.
..welcoming, enjoying, and offering and serving meals to his friends as often as possible.
…coming to peace with your own unresolved conflicts lest you burden the next generation with all you ignored or refused to resolve.
(Of course, while written using “he” and “him,” each point applies as much to daughters).
Posted in Blended families, Children, Communication, Education, Teenagers, Voice |
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