Help for those who meet parents of adopted children…. what NOT to ask…

by Rod Smith

Twelve things to resist asking parents of adopted children:

1. Where did you get them?
2. Who are the real parents?
3. Are these your real children?
4. Are they real brothers?
5. How long have you had them?
6. Do you find it easy to love children who are not your own?
7. Do you worry that one day they will leave you and look for their real family?
8. Do you know his medical history?
9. Why did their real mother reject them?
10. Did you know my brother (sister, uncle, aunty, in-laws, former neighors) adopted a child twenty years ago and it ruined their family?
11. Do you think you love them as much as you’d love your own children?
12. Have you caste the spirit of rejection out of them?

All of the above – in one form or another – have been asked of me over the past eight years. The worst, or most ignorant of offenders, are those persons who are so wildly invasive that they ask the questions in front of the children, as if the children are deaf or invisible, and then consider me rude for politely (sometimes not so politely) letting them know that some things are none of their business!

11 Comments to “Help for those who meet parents of adopted children…. what NOT to ask…”

  1. The first thing that strikes me about these questions is that its as if the enquirers are asking about one’s pets, not young children.

    Its sad, but its true that there are many adults that do not treat their children or children of others as PEOPLE to respect, but as entities that can be exploited, bullied, made fun of, etc without any long term consequences.

    May these irresponsible adults somehow find access to this article and realise that its them we’re talking about (and attempt changing their behavior)!

  2. Thanks, Joe: Beautiful writing on your part. Rod

  3. It is appalling that people would ask such intrusive and abrasive questions to satisfy their own morbid “Jerry Springer Show” mentality.
    To love and nurture another human being is the extreme gift of our soul! One should not question this, they should simply watch, learn and bask in the unconditional love that you give your daughter!
    It may help to remember that each person that comes into our lives has the ability to teach us something. What is the lesson that you are learning from these people and what lesson are you passing on to them?

  4. No! People should be asking more not less questions.

  5. Not all questions are good Reunionwritings. Some questions can be loaded, and becomes more of a statement than a question.

    A classic example, “Have you killed your mother yet?”.

  6. I did have another look at the questions you wrote and some of them are pretty awful so we shall have to agree after all. And not only are they awful but to have people ask them in front of the children is terrible.

    I do think people should be asking more questions about adoption though, not the questions you listed, well not worded that way at least.

    you can call me Kim.

    (edited by Rod)

  7. It’s pretty confronting that I do feel like that about my mother, I don’t blame you for editing it out, but it’s the truth and I stand by that. There is nothing wrong with telling the truth. I do wish she was dead.

  8. I have not edited your truth: I have edited the website.



  9. I am going to accept that as you wishing me peace, that’s what you mean by peace isn’t it?

  10. Arrgggh, wish the woman peace already, I can see she wants peace.


    I don’t wish my mother was dead anymore.

    wishing you peace back!


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