July 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Our daughter (10) is riddled with fear. She won’t sleep in her room, get up in the night without one of us getting up with her, or even enter her own room after dark to get her clothes for the next morning. She is able to speak very openly and graphically about her fears. Please shed some light on how we can handle this.”
No blame or shame...
This sounds like family anxiety passed from generation to generation and your daughter is the recipient of unresolved generational anxieties. An effective family therapist will serve you well. He or she will give everyone in the family (as many people and generations as your can gather for a meeting) assignments to explore the family’s unresolved complexities. Reconnecting with each other, being willing to sit down as a tribe will increase the likelihood of calming everyone in the family’s cumulative anxiety, even if at first it appears to make it worse.
Encourage your daughter to write her immediate and long-term goals. Encourage her to plan small steps of growth like being willing to sleep in her own room one or two nights a week. Do not punish her for her worries and concerns – they did not begin with her.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Education, Faith, Family |
Leave a Comment »
July 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My son (15) uses pornography on his cell-phone and on his computer. I think my husband and I should get rid of both. My husband disagrees. We are Christians and I will not allow this sort of thing in our house.”
Technology is not the problem. Monitoring your son’s use of technology is a wise thing to do but getting rid of his access to the Internet is unlikely to solve whatever issue your family has with pornography.
No blame or shame...
I’d suggest the three of you sit down and discuss the reasons you and your husband do not condone the use of pornography. Discuss the reasons men and women of all faiths are as prone to its use as those who proclaim no faith. Discuss with your son how the images off a page in a book or an image off a website is exactly that: an image. It is not a person with thoughts, feelings, and rights!
Such a discussion will require preparation and unity between you and your husband – it will require acts of purposeful, planned parenting. Dumping the boy’s phone and severing the Internet is easy – but such radical quick fixes will fix nothing and do nothing to enrich your relationship with your son.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Pornography |
1 Comment »
July 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
I have heard from several mothers of sons (13 to 15) who are toying with Internet pornography. Each mother says her “good boy” who is doing bad things. All but one mother is hesitant to tell the boy’s father because of the father’s health condition or because of how the father will respond. The mothers express love and distress for the children and feel powerless about their sons’ activities. Each letter reads as if the very sky is falling!
it feels like the end....
To the mothers:
This is a tough situation but it is not the end of the world. Your son will emerge from this and be a successful man if he (not you) learns to handle his personal issues with some wisdom and restraint.
While you shoulder this alone you are being secretive (like your son) and are adding fuel his secretive front. Getting father involved allows the family to face a family issue (yes, pornography is a family issue).
Using pornography is not a “normal” phase for all boys. It is an addictive, abusive aberration – but your son will not refrain from its use if pushed, punished, or shamed. He is most likely to resist pornography if he understands why it’s damaging and learns about healthy sexuality from a caring, disinterested, adult whom is respects.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Pornography |
Leave a Comment »
May 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I suggested my girlfriend and her 4-year-old son move in with me. The second day I knew it was a bad idea. Dirty plates, food, clothes everywhere; disorder, chaos. Sometimes I hate the boy. He manipulates my girlfriend. He is destroying our relationship. We talk about it and she says, ‘He’s just a kid.’ He is hyperactive with ADD and she won’t use medicine. Every time we go to the cinemas we have to leave in the middle because the boy can’t sit still. In restaurants he is under the table and throws food. The boy NEVER has a punishment and now he punches us. I doubt our future. I don’t want the boy in my life. She rarely bathes him so he smells bad. She makes him to watch television on my bed and I hate to go to my bed and smell her child. I cannot rest in my bedroom. I really love her. My family says that i must leave her. Dating a single mother sucks.”
None of you is benefitting here....
It seems mother and son need something you are not equipped to offer. Tell the woman your truth with the willingness to act upon it. This environment is not serving anyone of the three of you well.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
2 Comments »
May 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am single and seeing a woman in her thirties. She has two children (about 9 and 7) who run all over her. She has no idea how to discipline them. They need a strong man to discipline them and I think that is going to be me. Is this a good idea since I am probably not going to marry their mother?” (Heavily edited)
Why would you continue to date someone when you know you are probably not going to move toward marriage? This is only acceptable if you have told her you have no intentions of marrying her and she has agreed, given this knowledge, to continue seeing you.
While you are the obvious candidate to assist a mother who appears to you to be overwhelmed (my word not yours) the helpful challenge would be to empower the mother to be more effective. While the mother may invite, and even desire, your help with disciplining the children, it is not a good idea for the long haul.
If you get between parent and child you will find it tough when she inevitably sides with the children against you. Remember, “piggy in the middle” is fun for everyone, except piggy! Stay out of other people’s issues – especially when there is no formal commitment.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
May 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
Getting “lost” in a relationship, or over investing or over-functioning to the detriment of one’s well being, is very easy to do. The challenge of intimate relationships, including being a sibling, a son or daughter and a parent, having in-laws, growing and developing a career, is not only found in the desire for closeness, but also in the persistent challenge to maintain essential uniqueness. Unless you have both (togetherness and separateness – both at the same time and from the outset) the wheels will certainly ultimately fall off.
Becoming consumed happens between husbands and wives, parents and children, professionals and their jobs all the time. Such “losing” of oneself to another or to a job is often applauded as a mark of true commitment, dedication, the mark of a dedicated parent, spouse, or employee. In truth, distinctness, uniqueness, self-awareness, maintaining integrity, while also being deeply coupled or committed, is the mark or challenge of maturity.
If you do not define yourself in any relationship the relationship will define you. If you do not tell the world who you are and what you want, the world around you will impose its anxious shape upon you.
If you err on the side of deep connection, work on your uniqueness. If you tend toward independence, increase your capacity for deeper connection.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
1 Comment »
May 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
Gaining a bird’s eye view of all of your relationships can be very helpful. You might notice:
There’s interdependence among all the people to whom you are related and all whom you know. We need each other.
While there is a give and take in all healthy relationships, absolute dependence, on the one hand, and complete independence, on the other, is seldom helpful. Both, though, are occasionally necessary. An ill person might be dependent for a week or two. If there has been violence within a family a complete cut off could be necessary. Other than in extreme circumstances, extreme positions of dependence or cut-off are seldom helpful.
Interdependence is the better option. Interdependence (mutual give and take) is fostered by the ongoing refusal to over or under-function.
In every relationship one person will drift toward one position or another – often with the benign cooperation of the other. A lazy wife sees her husband’s compensation for her laziness as an act of love! A disengaged dad expects his wife to over-parent on his behalf. A teenager might know that there is no limit to how many times mom or dad or grandma will bail him out! A colleague might expect you to cover for her just as you might have done a hundred times already and therefore secured her irresponsible behavior.
Creating a flow-chart, a diagram, some form of visual of all your relationships will assist you to see how, where, and when to change your expected behaviors that you may secure a healthier, more interdependent future.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
April 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
Begin now, today, to be the kind of woman you want to become in the future:
1. Stand up for yourself without pushing anyone else over. Speak your mind. Say what you want to say. See what you see. Say what you see you see.
2. Be your own “virus protection” program by keeping the “bad” out and let the good in. Bad: gossip, unfriendliness, rudeness, lies, unnecessarily excluding others. Good: standing up for what is right, good, and just, being “open” and not “closed” to others, being welcoming and friendly to more than just your closest friends.
3. Decide to be a kind and good person even when you see people being mean to others.
4. Choose to be an agent of healing when others are hurt.
5. Don’t surrender your power to anyone – it is always yours to foster, protect, and use, first for your own good, then for the good of others.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Single parenting, Space, Triangles, Trust, Voice |
2 Comments »
April 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I’m 31. My husband is 69. I have a young daughter. When my mother was dying my husband helped me through a very dark time. In a state of confusion I ended up moving in and marring him. He is good to my daughter and me but we have never ever had sex. He doesn’t even try. I feel alone and empty. I started an affair with a wonderful man and can feel myself falling in love with him. When I’m with him he lights my whole life up. When I leave him I feel sad and torn. I don’t feel close to anyone and really want to leave. As much as I want to go I don’t want to hurt my husband but staying is killing me. I’m so unhappy I am getting hooked on tablets to numb the pain. Any advice?”
Find face-to-face counseling that will assist you to talk things through with your husband. An affair, tablets, and playing hide-and-seek will temporarily alleviate the issues, but not resolve the issues in your sexless, unhappy marriage. Of course your affair “lights up” your “whole life.” This is what affairs do. They also seduce participants away from the “real” issues and offer avoidance, not love.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
2 Comments »
February 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have a daughter (5) and I have been with my partner for over a year. My daughter stays with her grandparents during the week to help me with gas. My partner does not work and I pay all the bills. He gets angry with me because he believes that I do not hold my daughter accountable. I don’t hit my child but I do talk to her so she has an Rod Smith, MSMFT
This will go nowhere worth going for you until you love yourself more than you love your daughter and you love your daughter more than you love him. I’d suggest you devise an immediate escape plan. Your daughter, not this manipulator, is your responsibility.
Jean Hatton
‘held accountable’ is a good idea, but not concerning him. I would ask you to consider that you have brought this man into your home and by so doing, have put yourself and your daughter’s well being at risk. It sounds like he has done nothing but add stress and guilt to your life as he makes demands on you to keep him happy. Loving your daughter is your priority. Be accountable for the decision that you made to bring this angry controlling man into your lives — and choose the healthy way out.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
difficultrelationships.com 