December 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am so upset. My ex-husband gives lavish gifts to his new girlfriend and drops in for a few minutes and gives his children token presents and me nothing. My children saw all he was stacking away for her at their ‘Dad’s Christmas’ and then he tells them he can’t afford much this year because of the worldwide global economy crises. He’s like a little puppy around her. Around us he’s all gloomy and full of the woes of the world. Please help.”
Don't try to reason with him....
you want some tips to deal with your ex and your children in the aftermath of a divorce and in the apparent tidal wake of his new-found love. Your already know (or at least surely will be discovering) that you have no control over him.
If you had any (control), he’d still be with you.
The worldwide global economy crises takes years to hit new love – so resist trying to explain or understand the gaps in his reasoning.
Allow your children to ask their father their own questions. Expect no gifts from him.
Try not to access information from the children regarding his new love. Such information will not serve to empower you and nor are the details of his life any of your business.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children |
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November 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I never thought I’d be the one to have an affair. I work with a man who is 15 years younger and I have become obsessed with him. Now, after a wild three weeks, he is pulling back and is guilt ridden. He won’t take my calls. He won’t look at me. He’s probably going to change his job to get away. This is driving me insane for so many reasons. My husband of 25 years has no idea but to think something is up since I have been so irrational. I had no idea I could become so trapped by my own thoughts and behaviors. I’ve gone from feeling self-righteous about women who cheat to feeling like a criminal. Please help.” (Edited)
1. Go cold turkey – this means no contact, no calls, no chasing, and no emails – nothing. You cannot get over something you have found this powerful if you keep feeding it.
2. Get professional help. A trained person will guide you through the quagmire of trying to make sense of the nonsense you have co-created.
I have been overwhelmed with the response to “Give Something Away Every Day” as published on Friday November 19th, 2010. If you’d like to join or read the stories please go to GSAED on Facebook.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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November 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
It's the journey, remember...
A healthy family – and I will remind you that no person or family is healthy all of the time (that’s unhealthy!) – sets itself on broad and healthy goals that include being:
1. Unpredictable, spontaneous, flexible; allowing each person and each generation, to be different from the former generations.
2. Forgiving (reflective, gracious) – allowing little or no time for the gathering of injustices.
3. Funny – often self-deprecating.
4. Hospitable – welcoming of strangers and guests.
5. Generous – eager to share with persons in need.
6. Open – willing and able to embrace difficult issues.
7. Diverse – welcoming of persons of all shades, creeds, and ages.
8. Free – creative, honest, displaying growing integrity.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Young Love |
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November 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
Friends give you room to be right, wrong, late, or to be early. They allow you the “space” to be forgetful, sad, happy, angry, frustrated, when such space is necessary. In return you are careful with the liberty authentic friendships afford you. You don’t presume upon it. You remain respectful and you do not regard your friendships with a sense of entitlement.
Friends listen. They listen not only to the words you say but also for your soul to speak. They wait for your soul to trust, emerge, share, knowing it might take decades for it to say anything at all. They listen in order to love, not in order to advise, modify, or to assess, judge or condemn – but in order to love. They want to understand, hear, see, value and appreciate. In return you have become a skilled listener.
Friends live fully. While being committed to listening to you, while committed to waiting for your soul to speak, while being invested in building community with you and sharing life with you, they are first and foremost committed to finding and developing their own skills, developing their own dreams, and living their own ambitions. Friends know that among the greatest acts of friendship is the act of living one’s own life completely.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership |
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October 18, 2010
by Rod Smith
Honor courage when you meet it
the bravest people I have ever met. Not only are many fighting financial battles with a former spouse, they are at the same time negotiating with schools, coordinating visits to doctors, ferrying children to and from sports events, strategizing visits for the children with the other parent, and trying to placate a boss and colleagues at work. Simultaneously, many are trying to maintain some form of sanity though attempting to develop the semblance of a social life while having to face a stigma (thankfully it is diminishing in some cultures) about being divorced at all.
What divorced mothers do not need is:
1. Romantic involvement with a needy man – especially one who is in search of a mother but doesn’t know it.
2. Judgment about her parenting, her discipline, or her children’s behavior.
3. Questions about what went wrong in her marriage, or the suggestion (overt or covert) that had she “given” her marriage to God, or been more obedient or submissive, or prayed more, fasted more, tithed more faithfully, her marriage would have survived.
4. To be thought of as an easy target for sex as if it is the one thing she must surely be missing now that her marriage is over.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family |
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October 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
Hold back and listen
for as long as possible. Give time to enjoy and know each other without the children. If each of you cannot do this (let’s say she perceives she is unable to be away from the children and you feel somewhat obligated or compelled to include the children in the dating process) then she is not ready to date, and you are not ready to accommodate a woman and children into your life.
When you do meet the children keep out of her relationships with her children. Withhold your opinions (insights, guidance, discipline) if she is not parenting as you think necessary. No matter how much she asks for your input, or how much the children appear to need or love you, if you get prematurely entangled you will ultimately come out second best.
You are at your most helpful when you support, empower, encourage the woman to tap into her internal resources to be fully the mother she is able to be. She has to do this without you if she is ever to be comfortable sharing this with you.
Withhold your opinions about her ex-husband, visitations, her finances, how he treats her or how he treats his children. This potential minefield predates you and you will be better off as a couple if you regard it as none of your business. A relationship built on trying to correct the injustices of her past will not bode well for your future.
Your distinctness (separatness) is more important than your necessary ability to bond with the woman and her children. When the time comes and bonding with both mother and children is necessary, your distinctness will be a life-saving necessity both in the immediate and in the long-term future.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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October 9, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Is it an affair if you do everything but have sex? I had a relationship with a married man who told me that if his wife found out he would tell her I was a stalker. I thought he was joking. We had a place we would go see each other. He eventually showed up with his wife without telling me. I never talked to him again. He never called me and I was too afraid to call him. His wife started showing up where I use to see him and gave me dirty looks as if she knew what was going on. The ‘relationship’ between us was on and off for two years. I have guilt about and still have feelings for him. I do not contact him but I want to. I fear his wife and know deep down he is bad for me. I was wrong as well. I felt wild for him. We were physical sexually but never had sex as this to him was the only real proof of cheating. What do you think?”
It’s an affair (or an act of unfaithfulness) if it seduces either person from his or her primary intimate relationship, makes either person have to lie to anyone, and involves any intimate physical contact.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation |
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September 28, 2010
by Rod Smith
Send me your "Something Beautiful"
Write something beautiful – and send it to me.
Keep your contribution to 200 words. Pick a moment from today or from any time in your life and recount it.
I have a few motives:
1. I like to surround myself with beauty. Your writing will assist me toward that end.
2. I believe that each of our lives is a collection of its own set of miracles, its own quarry of joys and delights, even if it is, at the same time, filled with challenges.
3. I’d like to publish a few of your offerings (thus the word limit) and send a prize to the writer of the best piece.
So, have at it. I will be the sole adjudicator of your “something beautiful” submission, and, until it goes to press (if it does) your only reader.
I will send the winner his or her choice of three books: one of the Joan Anderson books I mentioned earlier this week or a copy of a book I have read every June for about 8 years: Failure of Nerve by Ed. Friedman. Please place “Something Beautiful” in the subject line of your Email or your comment. I will close submissions by Friday, October 1, 2010. I look forward to reading something beautiful from you.
Email address: Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com
Rod Smith
9/29/2010
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Therapeutic Process |
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September 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
Intimacy is an individual pursuit
1. A couple where each person works on his or her individual distinctness, is more likely to find deeper
intimacy with each other than the couple who gives up individuality for each other.
2. Intimacy is found in the connection of differences, and not in the pursuit of sameness or uniformity.
3. A person who cannot be alone will also find difficulty being together.
4. There is no such thing as instant authentic intimacy (as in say a one-night encounter). It can take years to develop and, ironically, it is often, in romantic relationships, distracted in its development by sexual behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation |
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September 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. Refusing to lie for you.
2. Allowing the consequences of your actions to hold you accountable.
3. Allowing you to fail.
4. Getting out of your way when you are angry so you may deal with whatever is upsetting you.
5. Refusing to rescue you from your moodiness.
6. Telling you the truth as I see it.
7. Resisting the urge to let your self-made issues pull me down.
8. Keeping my phone, Email, messages private, unless I choose to share.
9. Allowing myself to be happy and fulfilled even if you are not.
10. Supporting, loving you, while allowing my uniqueness (and your uniqueness) to blossom.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Womanhood |
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