Archive for ‘Attraction’

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September 7, 2009

I am leaving if she doesn’t stop drinking…..

by Rod Smith

“I am going to get a divorce if my wife’s drinking continues. She has been getting progressively worse and we have only been married for three years. I can’t stand the smell and I can’t stand not knowing how things will be every weekend. We have no children and I think it is time for me to get out as soon as possible. I am not willing to watch our life get flushed down the drain because she can’t help her drinking.”

Take up your life....

Take up your life....

While you wife’s drinking is your wife’s responsibility, you are faced with a shared issue: your threatened marriage. If you, without her drinking, are looking for an excuse to leave, don’t make her drinking the sole impetus for your leaving. I mention this because the tone of your letter suggests your bags are already packed and her drinking is a convenient way out.

Therefore, I am going to assume a few things: you have, when she is sober, let her know how much her drinking impacts your life; given her adequate warning and opportunity to get the kind of help she needs; talked to both immediate families and alerted all regarding the gravity of what you are both facing.

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September 7, 2009

He prefers to be home alone….

by Rod Smith

“I am stuck between my in-laws and my husband. I am the ‘nice’ one who will communicate, who will visit, who will make suggestions that we meet for meals. My husband will go along with my plans and complain about it all once we are home. He just doesn’t like to be around his family and I do. It seems awful but he really doesn’t seem to like anyone and prefers to go to work and stay at home when he is not working. Believe it or not we have an excellent marriage. I just want him to go out more. What can I do?”

USA

USA

Nothing. It works. You are the social one. He’s not. Let him be. Try to shift your wanting, the willfulness, the desire to implement change in another, off him and onto yourself only. This is NOT selfish, – while trying to impose change upon another, even when it is born of love, IS.

Make your own plans while sometimes inviting – not coercing – him to join you. Once you are in social settings while he is at home, neither “cover” for him nor expose him. Tell people the truth just as you have told me. There’s no crime in wanting to be home alone. Give your husband the room to make his own rhythm with his family. Clearly it is different from yours.

There is a very clear distinction between wanting and manipulating. The very minute our wanting is used to “push” other adults (or using white magic) our love shifts from love into manipulation. Do your own wanting for yourself – wanting your wants upon another is meddling, and a waste of vital energy, and it is a waste of a good want you could be spending more productively on yourself!

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September 5, 2009

Marriage is “just a piece of paper”….

by Rod Smith

I am living with my boyfriend and I want to get married. He says marriage is just a piece of paper. What should I do?

USA

USA

Since this has become an issue for you, you move out, or, you move him out. You tell him that marriage is important to you and you will move back after the wedding – if there is one. Inform him that there are many women who are willing to “live with” men without marriage, and that while that was once true for you, it is no longer so. Your boyfriend has been very clear about what he thinks of marriage and so you might take some time to evaluate whether or not you want to spend your future, build a home, rear children, combine resources with a man who regards a sacred commitment and a legal contract with such flippancy. What if he decides your child’s birth certificate is “just a piece of paper”, or your home or car loan is “just a piece of paper” and walks away from the related responsibilities.

ACT, Australia

ACT, Australia

You probably have been thinking about marriage for awhile and are following through with the thoughts you have been having and values you are holding. It would be good to explore them even more, perhaps in a journal or getting help from someone who can help you put words to what has brought you to this decision. Solidifying and validating what you are strongly feeling is part of walking into the change you want to see happen in your situation. Following your own value system as it is so totally different to your partner’s will be your ‘next’ step.

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September 2, 2009

My boss and I have a special relationship…..

by Rod Smith

Take up your life

Take up your life

I am struck by the frequency of letters I receive with a common theme. It goes like this.

“I have a ‘special relationship’ with my boss. He relies on me more than he does on his wife. I know more than she does about his life, business, and finances. It is totally non-sexual. It is because it is not sexual that we CAN talk about anything. He pays me less than he should but I understand. One day he will make it up when things improve. I get jealous about where he spends his time. If he wants a friend, I am his friend. When he wants to be the boss you’d think we were almost strangers. This hurts but I can’t tell him because them I sound like his wife. I can’t leave. I know too much about the business and he needs me. Yet, I am too emotionally attached. Pleas help.”

Bailing out and letting the chips fall where they may is the only option. While the boss requires a course in growing up, the employee ought to learn to get her emotional needs met outside of the workplace. Both are at fault – but the boss, being the one with the power, is responsible for the (mis)shape of the relationship.

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August 31, 2009

After holding my hand and kissing and saying the most amazing things……

by Rod Smith

“I have been divorced for several years and really would love to meet someone. I used an Internet dating sites and was being very careful. A guy responded claiming to be honest, decent, not into playing games and God-fearing. So we met. It was so good that by the end of that meeting we were both very comfortable and were going to give a relationship a try. We held hands and kissed and couldn’t wait to see each other again. Then I sensed something was amiss: he didn’t call when he said he would. He also said he would hide his profile but he did not. He did send me a mail saying he wasn’t ready for the complications that having someone in his life would bring. I have been devastated. After holding my hand and kissing me and saying some amazing things that any woman would want to hear, I don’t get it.”

Rod: He is probably married. I have heard SCORES of such stories. Sadly it makes very little difference he is “Christian” or not. I hate to stereotype these matters but many men are in it for the chase but do not want a relationship. Guard your heart by waiting for weeks and months before you even touch each other.

Jean: It is commendable that you were very careful with the Internet dating site and finding a man who said he was honest, decent and God-fearing would have indicated a potential partner for you in your search for someone new. However it would be good to consider that ‘getting to know someone’, becoming friends and discovering what they are like ‘in the real world’ is what sets a foundation for a more lasting relationship.

Gideon: I believe what you went through is considered the norm in internet dating, in the sense that it affords people the opportunity to scope out, check profiles, ask questions via emails, and essentially, minimize the fear of asking people out on dates. In your situation, it’s really no surprise to see one or the other person wanting to back out after the first date. I suggest that you make it a rule of thumb to leave some room for trial and error. After all, isn’t that what dating is about, looking to see if compatibility can exist between two people? Contrary to the Internet’s “instant gratification” method, building relationships always takes more time. Another recommendation might be to hold off on things of an intimate nature during the initial dating phase. Certainly you’ve taken the time to read and examine one’s profile online. So why not take even more time getting to know each other on a one-to-one basis, without having to get too intimate too soon? It would save both parties a lot of pain and heartache if things don’t turn out well. But ultimately don’t lose heart, as there are plenty of fish in the sea to be had… or in this case, the world-wide-web.

Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships | 2 Comments »

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August 27, 2009

Personal responsibility…..

by Rod Smith

You are where the buck stops for you.....

You are where the buck stops for you.....

Personal Responsibility appears to be sadly lacking from many letters I read. Living the “blame-game” poisons vision (until it is destroyed), leads to thinking like a victim (and then behaving like one). It makes people hypersensitive (picky, irritable, short-tempered) in close relationships. Perhaps saddest of all, avoiding personal responsibility takes the fun out of living. I reverse this toxic condition (when I notice it rearing its ugly head within me) through simple, but not easy, shifts in my attitude:

1. I acknowledge that I am where I am because of my own set of choices, my own deep-seated emotional make-up, and my own complex history, and I take full responsibility for who and what I am.
2. While I cannot be held responsible for the choices others have made and which have influenced the trajectory my life, I am responsible (as an adult) for my reactions and responses to their choices.
3. I shall ask the question “what is my role in this?” when facing situations where I feel trapped by unpleasant realities or circumstances.
4. I shall remove my focus from others and what others may or may not have done, and consider my role, my part in how things develop in my life.

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August 19, 2009

How to rock the boat without sinking it……

by Rod Smith

Rock the boat, don't sink it....

1. Do the unexpected – the emotional and relational equivalent of parking in a different spot, using a different stairwell, climbing the stairs rather than using the elevator, or sitting at a different table. This is not to be difficult or to seek attention, but to challenge the well-worn paths that have become too comfortable and predictable for you. Shifting how you relate will be like opening the windows and letting in fresh air.

2. Re-adjust your internal GPS – you make the decisions about how you behave, what you like and dislike, what you do with your leisure opportunities, and the direction you are taking with the years ahead of you. Placing your direction, your likes and dislikes, the use of your time and resources in the hands of others is not an indication of love or friendship. It’s an abdication of personal responsibility.

3. Do what you really love to do. Become an expert in what you love. If you don’t know what you love and are good at, you will assume tasks and responsibilities outside of your set of innate skills. Repeatedly landing tasks you don’t want will bring you no joy. Knowing and doing what you love will make you an asset wherever you are, and, as an added bonus, you will be fun to be around.

Posted in Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice, Womanhood | 2 Comments »

August 18, 2009

My wife is over weight. What can I do….?

by Rod Smith

“I have tried for months to draw my wife’s attention to her weight. She is overweight by several kilos and doesn’t seem to care. This is very important to me. It is not about sex. I just feel embarrassed to be with a woman who doesn’t seem to care what she looks like. Help.”

USA

USA

Please send me a detailed account of exactly the manner in which you have tried to draw your wife’s attention to her weight. Such an account would offer me volumes of material about regarding how you relate, communicate, handle and resolve conflict with each other. It also might become a guide of what NOT to do or say.

The lower your emotional health (the less healthy you are) the greater will be your fixation with her weight – you will believe that her weight somehow reflects on you, reveals something about you, or is somehow your business. If allowed, you will become obsessed with her weight, eating, and exercise routine to the point that it will damage more than your sex life.

The higher your functioning (the healthier you are), the less you will notice her weight and you will certainly not feel responsible for her weight or embarrassed by it.

Focus on YOUR emotional health and not on her weight. If you push her, remember that even in the emotional realm, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

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August 7, 2009

My girlfriend is very moody..

by Rod Smith

“My girl friend who I want to marry is very jealous and moody but it shouldn’t be a problem. I can say nothing to her about it. If a female even brushes against me she jumps down my throat. She is always the one wanting to end the relationship even if she is wrong in a situation. What can i do about it?”

USA

USA

Rod: Moodiness and jealousy are bottomless pits and the gateway to relationship hell. I’d bail now until your girlfriend gets suitable medical help and decides to assume the challenge of really growing up. When someone constantly threatens to end a relationship it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t play the “re-assurance game” requiring you to rebut her threats with having to repeat your desire to remain in the relationship. Assuming your “brushes” with other women are innocent, don’t modify your behavior to accommodate your girlfriend’s moodiness or jealousies. If you do, her controlling behaviors will only increase. If jealousy and moodiness are issues before you marry, they will remain and intensify after marriage. Both will require endless energy and attention from you while you believe you can do something about them. You cannot. The ONLY person who might be able to do something about them is the host – your girlfriend.

Midwest, USA

Midwest, USA

Kathryn:You CAN say something to her about it, unless you don’t mind being controlled and your life dictated to you. This certainly will become a problem that, once married, will be much worse. Jealousy is the antithesis of genuine love. It comes from focusing all your energy on another in an attempt to soothe yourself. Moodiness can be an attempt to control. Both will become tiresome very quickly. It is my suggestion that you begin discussing what effect her moodiness and jealousy have upon you before you get married. A healthy marriage is one in which both partners want the other to grow and reach their full potential in life. It is not fueled by an attempt to gain a false sense of security by having control over another. Where is the love?

Scotland

Scotland

Jo: Jealousy kills love; it tries to control and manipulate others. You have a big problem. Do you respect yourself enough not to tolerate your girlfriend’s behaviour towards you? Will you draw a line in the sand and tell her it must stop? Does she love you enough to find help for her moods and her jealousy? If the answer to these questions is “yes” then maybe there is hope for your relationship. If not then the road ahead could be very tricky. A healthy marriage has a foundation of honesty and respect, even when it is difficult. Lose that and you have lost everything.

ACT, Australia

ACT, Australia

You are involved deeply with someone who doesn’t trust you. It causes me to wonder why you want to marry her. She isn’t confident in your love for her and feels she must ‘own’ you to keep you. It would be a good idea to ‘rethink’ your decision to spend the rest of your life with this lady. What you see behaviourly before marriage will only intensifies after the ceremony. Do you really want to have a lifetime of walking on eggshells when you are with her?

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July 12, 2009

Unavailable men… why the attraction?

by Rod Smith

There’s a segment of women in the wider community who, for some reason, are primarily attracted to unavailable men (married, committed, etc.) can you explore that as a topic of discussion?

It's self-esteem

It's self-esteem

KATHRYN: Women who are drawn to unavailable men have a low self-esteem (lack of a healthy sense of self). The confident exterior is a façade that covers the inadequacy they feel that lurks underneath, haunting them. They are drawn to the “chase” and the secretive way of life as it brings a sense of intense emotional intimacy that cannot be achieved without the third person (the wife or girlfriend). The focus is on the shortcomings of the third person of the inability to maintain a healthy relationship of her own.

From Canberra

From Canberra

JEAN: I believe that growing up within the family structure, we learn to relate. It is in the family that we learn giving and receiving of unconditional love – we learn ‘you are special, you belong, you are such a significant part of this family.’ This message meets and nurtures a very deep need inside of each us.

I know, I know, not many of us have that experience!

Any childhood wounding, from a lack of love and nurture, will influence greatly how we relate as adults. It sounds very simple, but life becomes very complicated as a result of our drive to get our relational needs met; to receive those messages that never came to us as children.

I ask women with a history of being attracted to unavailable men, what it is about the men they found attractive. They often tell me it was the man’s sensitivity and ability to ‘connect’. And/Or, they tell me that there was something in the man that turned was like their father. One speaks of the relational need, the other: unresolved issues from family.

Jo Russell, Scotland

Jo Russell, Scotland

JO: I can’t help wondering if women who are attracted to unavailable men are actually unavailable for relationships themselves. They say they want to be in a relationship, and they may think they want to be in a relationship, but then choose unavailable men as a way of then avoiding the reality of relationship. To love someone, and to be loved by someone can be devastating, particularly if our experience of loving thus far has been complicated by disappointment or hurt. It is easier to manage our fears when we don’t embrace the risks, and we believe we are inoculating ourselves from further pain. Far from advocating initiating a relationship with a man who is married or committed to someone else, find those who are already your friends; love them, and learn to let them love you.

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