“I love my sometimes- abusive boyfriend very much. I moved out and I know that was a good step. I still deeply love him. He won’t get help for his problems because he doesn’t understand he has an illness. The illness prevents from seeing it. It’s circular. How can you get through to someone like this without setting them off or making them perceive you as the enemy? How can someone get the professional help they need if they don’t see that they have a problem? The person who is abusive has to recognize the problem and be willing to seek help. No one can force it. ‘Sorry’ is are all we have sometimes, and if you love someone how can you turn your back on them, especially if you can see they need help?” (Letter edited)

At some point you have to love yourself more than you love your boyfriend, otherwise the relationship will destroy you. How will I ever get you to see this?

Focus on your health and not on his. This is not selfish, it is wise.

Believe it or not, there are more important things than love. Your survival is one of them.

Something is deeply amiss when your love is so compelling it is self-destructive.

This is, of course, when it ceases to be love.

“My wife and my ex-wife are like best friends. This is good for our children I suppose and I am very pleased about it. The problem is they make fun of me in a gentle way but it really gets to me. What can I do?”

Get over it and enjoy it – you are in a remarkable situation, whether the friendship they share is deep, shallow, to be long lasting or to be short-lived. You are correct. It is good for your children. Getting over it will involve joining in, poking your own gentle fun at yourself, at each of the two women – and helping all to enjoy the pleasure of good friendships.

Try to avoid suggesting that these bonds (of good friendship) need to become binding as in “we’ll be best friends forever, no matter what”. Your association with each woman probably holds some unfinished business at least for one women so do not be surprised if the goodwill you currently experience is not challenged when persons or families face challenge and change.

“Is it acceptable to end a friendship and to tell someone you don’t want to see them anymore? I am not talking about a romantic relationship. I am talking about a lifetime ‘friendship’ that has always been one-sided, always been draining for me, and I end up feeling like I am being used. Please give me permission to make a break. My family is full of distorted loyalties.” (Transcribed with permission from conversation)

Of course you may end a “friendship” that has held little reward for you. It is quite acceptable to desire friendship to be a two-way street. What might stimulate growth for you, and possibly for your friend, would be a conversation, or a series of conversations, where you are able to let this person “see” your experience.

Of course there are situations where one party does all the giving (helping a friend through an illness, a loss, a divorce) and the other does all the receiving, but these periods ought to be short-lived.

If any adult-to-adult relationship it is not mutual, respectful, and equal, some negotiation is required – and sometimes, even termination might be necessary.

Yes, it is acceptable to end a friendship, romantic or otherwise. It is not only acceptable, it is sometimes necessary to do so, especially when you feel used and drained. I want to ask however, why have you stayed so long? You say that your family is full of distorted loyalties; can you describe the distortions, and then give yourself permission not to follow them? You giving yourself permission is much more powerful and life-changing in the long run than someone else permitting you. What else is there that distinguishes you from your family? The more you can define yourself, your values, your likes and dislikes, the less others will be able to dictate how you do life. Being different from family, and yet staying in relationship with them is hard work; you have lived their way until now, but it sounds like some healthy change is on the way.

A friendship by definition is not one sided. It is built on a mutual appreciation and a sharing of life. It is important to enjoy the company of a friend, help when needed and get support in the struggles you are going through. It doesn’t seem like this is a friendship where both of you are benefiting. Since it has been a lifetime ‘friendship’ you may want to talk about it before you end it abruptly. Honesty is always the best solution as it allows open communication and the ability for each party to take ownership of their role in the ‘friendship’. If you are able to do this you may find that you learn new things about yourself and create opportunities for change. Remember you choose your friends.

“There is a TV ad where a pastor is marrying the bride and groom. He says to the bride, ‘Do you take this man to be your husband, in spite of the fact that he will squander your savings, wreck your car and be out of work at least half the time?’ and I wish someone could have warned me of the consequences of marrying my husband. Look up ‘living with a narcissist’ and there he is to a T. Look up ‘women with low self-esteem’ and that’s me. I am trying to make the big break and am finding it incredibly overwhelmingly difficult. He presents such a reasonable demeanor to the world. I am probably in my last decade. I am frightened half to death, immobilized, doubtful of my own abilities, wondering if I am making the biggest mistake of my life swapping financial security (minimal but comfortable) for an adventure. I saw my mother go off on an adventure and it didn’t’ work out that well for her. I’m just prevaricating, cant commit to one way or the other.”

This, I believe, is a “leap before you look” situation. Once you make your decision, your choices will make way for you. You are not your mother.

“I have been divorced for three years now an I am living with someone whom I had a child with about a year after I divorced, sadly the baby passed away. The problem is that she does not want to accept my children and treats them very badly when they visit. I love her very much but how do I handle what’s happening?”

Grief comes in many packages. Loss of a child can mean the loss of all zeal and interests for many years. Although you have not said it, and although I have nothing to base it upon, be aware that your partner’s apparent rejection of your children could be some manifestation of her unfinished grief.

This said there is no reason whatsoever to expose your children to unkindness of any sort. This matter is not about your partner or about your children. It is about you making a decision about where you will live, about with whom you will live, and about the kind of environment you will provide for your children when they visit. You can separate, you can find an alternative place to live when your children visit, you can ask your partner to move out when the children move in. Get creative and stop thinking like a victim.

“I have a 4 year old daughter from my ex boyfriend. I met someone at the beginning of the year who seemed loving and caring but as time went by he wasn’t the same person as he was before, he treated my daughter differently he doesn’t like her. He always shouts at her for no reason. He wants us to get married at the end of November. I’m expecting his child at the end of December. Now Rod, the question I want to ask you is how can someone love you but hate your child? Is there a future there?”

There are sufficient red flags for you to hold of on wedding plans. Try to focus on what is best for your daughter and for your unborn child – both of whom will require much energy and love – without adding to the mix a man who rejects at least one of your children. Try having no intimate relationships for a few years while you get on your feet as a person. I am fully aware of the difficulties of the challenge I am presenting, but, the more variables you are able to reduce (a difficult man being one of those variables), the more “smooth” your life as a family is likely to become.

“I was interested in your article about the ‘controlling husband’ investigating his wife’s every move that she ‘secures her privacy’. I always have felt that my cell phone, and the cell phone of my wife, should be interchangeable and left anywhere in the house for either person to use or answer should it ring. Likewise my emails can be left open and whatever comes in and out is for her to see if she wants. I’m opting for ‘one flesh’ and as such operate in unison. The beauty about ‘open communication’ at all levels is that it is quickly noticeable when someone is doing something ‘slimy’. I’m opting for this more relaxed and open model.” (Edited)

Of course it is perfectly fine to be as open as you want to be with phones and emails but the husband in the situation to which you refer is stalking, prying, demanding that everything in his wife’s life is his business. He wants to own her. This is not being “one flesh” but emotional cannibalism.

You are looking to be “two people in one boat” which I will suggest is ultimately exhausting. “Two people in two boats” I’d suggest you will find far more interesting and refreshing.

If applied, this dozen one-liners will help inject your life with emotional wellness:

1. Forgive everyone left right and center.
2. Give as much as humanly possible.
3. Speak up so others do not have to invent your story.
4. Stay out of relationships that do not immediately concern you.
5. Trust other adults with their own lives.
6. Write your memories so your great-great grandchildren can read them one day.
7. Be willing to negotiate and to compromise.
8. Apologize efficiently and accurately.
9. Take responsibility for yourself and your decisions.
10. Tip well.
11. Risk more.
12. Think and want only for yourself.

“Thanks for your suggestions about the horse-farm. Whenever I have said I’ll come over and help with the horses it’s a big ‘No, it’s his house, his property,’ and this was the guy she told me was making her life impossible when I met her. She says I cannot even to be out in the field. She is sleeping in his house and works with him on Mondays and Fridays. He has already admitted he wants her back.” (Edited)

What more do you need to know? Until now you have been blind to your situation and deaf to what she has been really telling you. I’d suspect your partner is caught in a triangle of wanting her horse and not being able to stable it without succumbing to the will of her ex-husband. While this is tough for her it is you that has asked for help.

Here’s my challenge. In moving on do not try to teach the woman anything, or get back at her, or wave my columns under her nose. Just take your things (or have her take her things) and move out of her life. Tell her you are honoring her choices and that you are not willing to be in such a relationship.