“My son (13) will not visit his dad as he has done for 5 years since our divorce. He won’t give reasons. I think the visits are an inconvenience and he prefers to stay where his friends are. What should I do?”

USA

My rationale is neither uncaring nor unreasonable and my suggestion is not focused on the immediate. Leaving children to face their own dilemmas, to talk face-to-face with the key players in any conflicted scenario (with teachers, parents, step-parents, neighbors) steels children for future success.

A child who can address, or learns to address, his or her father about such matters will develop life-long helpful skills that will equip him or her to address any matter with anybody.

This is his issue. Unless you want to spend a lifetime saving and delivering the boy from everything tough and uncomfortable, avoid it now.

{I invited, James 15, to share his views…. see below…..}

South Africa

As for what to do now, have you talked to the father about his relationship with his son? The father should extend his hand to his son. If he is maybe lonely at his father’s house, why not let him take a friend along when he visits?

ACT, Australia

Scotland

Being a teenager is all about having friends, and the beginnings of gradually moving away from family, but not to the exclusion of family. One of the examples your son has had of what happens when relationships get tough, is that you separate and give up. Are there other people that he trusts who can show him an alternative to this? How he can have a more grown up relationship with his dad? He needs this example too!

India

“You describe ‘emotional fault-lines’ in a relationship that you say requires intensive understanding ‘on behalf of the one so inflicted.’ I was accused of everything you describe: not giving enough attention, not showing enough concern, not being on the ‘same page.’ I am not sure who is the ‘one so inflicted.’ Do you mean the person who suffers from this error in belief on the one who is the victim? How do you ‘embrace and accept’ these fault-lines in another without appeasing? If I had embraced and accepted, surely I would be appeasing?”

USA

It is possible to remain untouched, non-anxious, when accused as described and to repeatedly declare your unwillingness to accept her attempts to control and sabotage the relationship.

“How much attention is sufficient? Why do you require so much concern? We can be on different pages, in fact we can be in separate books (to continue the metaphor) and be in love,” are useful questions when relating to the detrimentally needy.

Try it for a day or three...

A meek person has the strength to bully others into getting what the stronger person wants but never does. A meek person never uses his or her strength for selfish reasons. A meek person “backs down” from some conflict, by his or her own choice, and not because he or she is afraid or intimidated. A meek person is able to make the call on when conflict is useful and when it is not.

Meekness is a quality that comes with humility, and humility is usually the birth-child of suffering, of good parenting and of wise living.

Pursue a meek attitude for a few days. If you think being meek is easy, try it for a month or two.