What is the least I can expect from a man whom I am seeing who continues to see past girlfriends?
Why least?
While seeing past girlfriends (of course without the a component) is certainly possible, when and if it becomes damaging to your current relationship, or is even discomforting to you, I’d encourage your boyfriend to determine what he expects to achieve through maintaining behaviors that are hurtful to his most intimate relationship.
“I am going to get a divorce if my wife’s drinking continues. She has been getting progressively worse and we have only been married for three years. I can’t stand the smell and I can’t stand not knowing how things will be every weekend. We have no children and I think it is time for me to get out as soon as possible. I am not willing to watch our life get flushed down the drain because she can’t help her drinking.”
Take up your life....
Therefore, I am going to assume a few things: you have, when she is sober, let her know how much her drinking impacts your life; given her adequate warning and opportunity to get the kind of help she needs; talked to both immediate families and alerted all regarding the gravity of what you are both facing.
“I am stuck between my in-laws and my husband. I am the ‘nice’ one who will communicate, who will visit, who will make suggestions that we meet for meals. My husband will go along with my plans and complain about it all once we are home. He just doesn’t like to be around his family and I do. It seems awful but he really doesn’t seem to like anyone and prefers to go to work and stay at home when he is not working. Believe it or not we have an excellent marriage. I just want him to go out more. What can I do?”
USA
Make your own plans while sometimes inviting – not coercing – him to join you. Once you are in social settings while he is at home, neither “cover” for him nor expose him. Tell people the truth just as you have told me. There’s no crime in wanting to be home alone. Give your husband the room to make his own rhythm with his family. Clearly it is different from yours.
There is a very clear distinction between wanting and manipulating. The very minute our wanting is used to “push” other adults (or using white magic) our love shifts from love into manipulation. Do your own wanting for yourself – wanting your wants upon another is meddling, and a waste of vital energy, and it is a waste of a good want you could be spending more productively on yourself!
I am living with my boyfriend and I want to get married. He says marriage is just a piece of paper. What should I do?
USA
ACT, Australia
Rozanne Hay, Durban, South Africa / Guest Writer
‘Its pay day today…Wednesday 15th’ we must go out tonight. The girls from Jacobs have called, requesting a visit.
It’s 6pm. The notorious tavern opposite, is in full swing.
Our team set off towards Wentworth our first planned stop.
The roads are busy with truckers. We turn into the industrial estate and pass a lonesome Girl. Look at her face! a counsellor comments, It’s old, she’s had a hard life! We stop to talk. She’s cautious as more than 1 person per vehicle spells trouble. We reassure her and inform her of our programme. She is 14years old.
We stop alongside a group of young girls. Unexpectedly, a portly oriental man steps forward. The counsellor retreats. There is history between them.
Further long a group has gathered around cinders, while another attempts to light a flame with gathered industrial cardboard and woodshavings. We readily join them and launch into sex education and protection and our services offered. A crowd gathers as the Truckers park alongside the curb. Multipacks of condoms filter through the crowd and bulging pockets are visible. The camaraderie between punters and Girls ignites and our team moves on.
Nearing the car, a bantering couple stand in the shadows of a streetlamp. A vivacious 18month babygirl is in mother’s arms. Skill development and our services are of no interest, for her this is a career choice.
Travelling out of the industrial area, we briefly wait alongside a disused container. My car is recognised. Thoko appears and elaborates on winning her murder trial. Her intoxicated, deceased client had locked her in his car and joy rode the streets at terrifying speeds. She feared for her life and fired a warning shot from the rear seat, followed by the fatal shot. She assures us she will be returning to the programme.
Zodwa’s ‘boyfriend’calls and asked me to attend Mayville Police station now. She has been arrested for bottle stabbing another girl. This visit is scheduled for the morning and I sense the Charge Officer may not be lenient this time, its a gruesome attack.
Entering the Northern suburbs we park and set out in teams. Our first stop is with a preteen. When challenged on her reason for soliciting, she claims ‘to like nice things’. Unlike the majority, she has an intact home life. A condom pack was refused as she perceives that this is only required with the onset of menstruation.
Ahead, I recognise some of our Rehab girls. A number were out on business. The distant sight of a patrolling police van causes an instant scatter response, with due reason. The metro police are informed and updated regarding this outreach programme, yet the message fails to filter through. Having been on the receiving end of Metro Police aggression and accusations of soliciting under the disguise of an NGO, they are best avoided.
Before long the van passes and the Girls reappear. Client cars dawdle past at a death march pace seeking their prey. Girls run to cars, others hold back. This clients aggression is known to some.
Down the side alley a steady flow of cars enter the short term lodgings.
The police are seeking to arrest en mass until the visitors depart. The foreigners are in town for sport. They continue to patrol.
Sethle arrives and appears unresponsive. Relaying her traumatic ordeal, I silently wonder when these girls will realise 3 potential clients in a car are unlikely to equate to 3 customers!
Its 2am, we gather our teams, identify those for Trauma debriefing and counselling and schedule them for the morning. As we gather up Girls for Addington, another Girl known to me, approaches with a heavily pregnant teen. How can I help her, she doesn’t want this baby. Another talks about her premature baby she hasn’t collected from hospital. He’s 4months old. Visiting is too difficult as this baby too may die at year, of malnutrition or other.
En route to Addington Hospital, a glue sniffing child enters into conversation. He too, identifies with the Girls, previously rural children, failed by their communities. They all have found a sisterhood/brotherhood and a sense of belonging on the streets.
Draw lines carefully...
While this is often necessary, there are a few things to consider:
1. Idle threats are ineffective. If you don’t mean it, or cannot act upon it, your stand will be fruitless and your credibility will be minimized. It will make self definition much harder to achieve the next time.
2. You might not get what you want. If winning is your only option you might want to think things through a little more.
3. Don’t proclaim your stand, set limits, declare boundaries when you are angry or upset or under the influence of absolutely anything. Wait until you are calm. Have your limits well rehearsed. Your partner will expect you to behave as you have always behaved. He or she knows every trick in your book to get (from you) the kinds of responses to which you are both accustomed.
4. Don’t take a strong stand on matters not worthy of the energy. Some things are really unimportant and are just not worth the effort.
Take up your life
“I have a ‘special relationship’ with my boss. He relies on me more than he does on his wife. I know more than she does about his life, business, and finances. It is totally non-sexual. It is because it is not sexual that we CAN talk about anything. He pays me less than he should but I understand. One day he will make it up when things improve. I get jealous about where he spends his time. If he wants a friend, I am his friend. When he wants to be the boss you’d think we were almost strangers. This hurts but I can’t tell him because them I sound like his wife. I can’t leave. I know too much about the business and he needs me. Yet, I am too emotionally attached. Pleas help.”
Bailing out and letting the chips fall where they may is the only option. While the boss requires a course in growing up, the employee ought to learn to get her emotional needs met outside of the workplace. Both are at fault – but the boss, being the one with the power, is responsible for the (mis)shape of the relationship.
USA
Here are three essential elements of self-care:
1. Rest. A healthy person will rest before he or she needs to do so. Somewhere in the rhythm of a busy life the healthy person gets the rest and recreation required for restoration.
2. Clarity: A healthy person does all he or she can to minimize mixed messages, unclear expectations, and confused boundaries. Karen Miles, the Australian writer and expert on the impact motherhood has upon women regarding identity and career, talks about “interrogating reality” as a sign of relational health and caring. (www.karenmiles.com.au)
3. Community: A healthy person finds a place in a small community of good friends where he or she can regularly “download”, be energized, contribute to others, and receive from others in a mutual, respectful setting where all the participants are completely equal.
“I have been divorced for several years and really would love to meet someone. I used an Internet dating sites and was being very careful. A guy responded claiming to be honest, decent, not into playing games and God-fearing. So we met. It was so good that by the end of that meeting we were both very comfortable and were going to give a relationship a try. We held hands and kissed and couldn’t wait to see each other again. Then I sensed something was amiss: he didn’t call when he said he would. He also said he would hide his profile but he did not. He did send me a mail saying he wasn’t ready for the complications that having someone in his life would bring. I have been devastated. After holding my hand and kissing me and saying some amazing things that any woman would want to hear, I don’t get it.”
Rod: He is probably married. I have heard SCORES of such stories. Sadly it makes very little difference he is “Christian” or not. I hate to stereotype these matters but many men are in it for the chase but do not want a relationship. Guard your heart by waiting for weeks and months before you even touch each other.
Jean: It is commendable that you were very careful with the Internet dating site and finding a man who said he was honest, decent and God-fearing would have indicated a potential partner for you in your search for someone new. However it would be good to consider that ‘getting to know someone’, becoming friends and discovering what they are like ‘in the real world’ is what sets a foundation for a more lasting relationship.
Gideon: I believe what you went through is considered the norm in internet dating, in the sense that it affords people the opportunity to scope out, check profiles, ask questions via emails, and essentially, minimize the fear of asking people out on dates. In your situation, it’s really no surprise to see one or the other person wanting to back out after the first date. I suggest that you make it a rule of thumb to leave some room for trial and error. After all, isn’t that what dating is about, looking to see if compatibility can exist between two people? Contrary to the Internet’s “instant gratification” method, building relationships always takes more time. Another recommendation might be to hold off on things of an intimate nature during the initial dating phase. Certainly you’ve taken the time to read and examine one’s profile online. So why not take even more time getting to know each other on a one-to-one basis, without having to get too intimate too soon? It would save both parties a lot of pain and heartache if things don’t turn out well. But ultimately don’t lose heart, as there are plenty of fish in the sea to be had… or in this case, the world-wide-web.
difficultrelationships.com 