“My fiancée and I are discussing wedding options. It’s my first marriage, and his third. I dreamed of a big traditional wedding but considering it’s his third, I understand he has done a ‘big wedding’ twice so a smaller wedding would be appropriate. He has two daughters and I have a son. We then got to the topic of the honeymoon his daughter (12) is adamant they should come with. I feel I should draw the line. I am already giving up the big traditional wedding and feel that I would rather have a wonderful honeymoon alone with my husband. My fiancée agrees with the children and wants them with us overseas for two weeks on honeymoon. How do I deal with this?”

Welcome to your life after marriage. I can only assume your future husband feels incapable of taking a stand with his children or that he needs the diversion the children will bring. Either way this will be a rub long after the honeymoon is over.

But go ahead. Draw the line. Be aware you will probably not get your way.

More important than planning your honeymoon, I’d suggest you meet with both his ex-wives and gain some insight about how you all plan to co-parent the children.

Your fiance’s children have been through two marriages and are approaching a third. It sounds like there could be anger and insecurity within one of the daughters and perhaps the other too. You are entering a relationship where your wishes and values aren’t considered as important as future wife and potential friend of the girls. I am wondering whether seeking professional help for you both might be an option before decisions are put into place.

How wedding and honeymoon decisions are made will set the tone for how the two of you will do marriage. Identify your needs and expectations before the wedding. If you allow his 12 year old daughter to dictate who goes on YOUR honeymoon, she will continue to dictate your marital relationship. Being Flexible and negotiating well are essential components in healthy families, especially when two families join. Giving up what you need or desire most of the time, however, is not.

Posted on August 24, 2009 at 10:19 pm in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Voice   |  RSS feed |   Reply   |   Trackback URL