“I had my picture online and my boyfriend asked me to take it off cause he could see my bra and I’m a little busty. I feel like he is going down the path of being a controlling type which I can’t deal with. I’ll wear something else if he tells me the right way. Maybe it’s his past. I’m still with him because he is very good to me but we disagree on so many things and argue alot – but we learn as well. I’m being patient with this controlling stuff because of his past relationships. I try to be my own woman while reassuring him that I want to look good for my own image. I need independence. I listen to him but he should listen to me too. I don’t want to throw it off as it’s easy to walk away and give up.” (Edited from longer comment)

Take back the power

I get (thankfully) a lot of mail. If, having written to me, you do not hear directly from me, you will usually find some form of response to your question within the content of my column within a few days.

Most letters I receive far exceed the 215-word publication limit so I reduce questions to the essence of what is being asked. But, I do read every letter. There is no back-up team of readers or writers, nor are the columns mass-produced or re-printed from another source. If I do re-run a column it is because its theme addresses themes of questions I am receiving or I am “on the road” and have unreliable access to the Internet.

Come the 19th of March 2010, “You and Me” will begin its 10th year of daily publication in The Mercury. As a result of daily exposure to the citizens of KwaZulu Natal, individual columns have appeared in newspapers and magazines in other regions of South Africa, the UK, Australia, Canada, and on the East Coast of the USA.

Within a few weeks the website (www.DifficultRelationships.com) will hit a million viewers! Thanks, readers, I treasure our unique connection and look forward to many more letters as you respond to “You and Me.”

Address it before it poisons your workplace....

The sigh about the boss, the mumble about cutbacks, the negative comment about new (or “old”) leadership, can drain a workplace of energy and poison the attitudes of the most creative and loyal colleagues.

These (often very subtle) attacks on the organization, can create more problems than any difficult boss, budgetary issues, or changes in leadership and must be addressed by leadership with full force.

Such behavior is indicative of poor personal boundaries and unhapiness that extends beyond any issue faced in the workplace.

In the event you are a regular complainer, or the employee who knows exactly when and where to whine while continuing to appear innocent and above such behavior – stop! You are doing yourself and your organization no good at all. Take your complaints and issues directly to the person empowered to act and address the issues that are unsettling you.

Rod Smith, MSMFT

You are being plundered in the name of love. Until you stand up for yourself and refuse his controlling ways, your boyfriend will shape and mould you into what he thinks he can fully manage — until there is nothing left of you. This is not love, it is an abduction.

Don't snoop....

Snooping on his phone reveals more about you than it does about your boyfriend. Unless you have discussed it and made a mutual decision to share your communication with others, don’t access any information (mail, email, phones, instant messages) not intended for you. Reading what is not intended for you can burn your eyes. Tell him what you have done and give him an opportunity to forgive you. That he maintains innocent conversation with his exes suggests he has the integrity to forgive you and move on.

“I want insight my son and grandson and I living together. We each have insufficient funds to live on our own. My son and grandson are slobs and I’m expected to do most of the kitchen work. The boy (my grandson) has some kind of thinking disability related to hyperactivity/attention deficit and both are loud, play rough, and do a lot of man/boy stuff much to my chagrin. My younger son has also hounded me to ‘get a man’ and to release his brother from my life. So: Is it so awful for a son to live with and help support his mother? What is protocol when either of us has company, and is it okay for us both to have outside company in the common areas of the house and/or in our individual bedrooms?”

Rod Smith, MSMFT

“I am one of the ‘jealous men’ you often refer to and I think you are very unfair. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year, and it’s the only thing that causes problems for us in an otherwise perfect relationship. Jealousy isn’t as simple as you make out. I love my girlfriend with all my heart, but this ‘monster’ inside me is impossible to control. I’ve tried to come up with the root of the problem many times, and I think it’s probably to do with past relationship experiences and very high levels of testosterone. So you can make jealous guys out to be men who have no consideration for our partners but that isn’t true. I love my girlfriend so much and would do anything to change. It’s something uncontrollable that I’m desperate to cure it. The prospect of having to live with these constant feelings, pushing away those that I love, is truly terrifying.” (Edited)

I know jealousy can be uncomfortable for both the perpetrator and the victim. Thankfully many men and women truimph over jealousy through guidance, grit, and the painful process of letting go. Healing is close to you when you see it as your issue, but healing will evade you whenever you place blame upon anyone for your issue.