June 8, 2010
by Rod Smith
Authentic gains in health in one relationship will have spinoff benefits for your other relationships. Offering your partner greater definition and clarity, standing up to him or her with necessary firmness will offer a generic shift for all your relationships. Defining yourself to your partner will improve the quality of relationship you have with your children. It’s a welcome, often unexpected spinoff. It’s counter-intuitive.
Similarly, if you want your relationship with your boyfriend to improve, develop a deeper bond with your dad. If you are having difficultly with your daughter, look at your relationship with your own mother. You will probably find some clues about how the difficulties are developing.
Members of your Family of origin (you, your parents, siblings, and your children) are intricately connected and the quality of the connection will significantly impact everyone in our circle of influence whether we intend it to or not.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
June 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have been with my boyfriend for two years. All our arguments are about me ‘cheating.’ He wants me to delete my Facebook account and change my phone number. He is constantly tormenting me about who phoned me, ‘hit on me,’ and texts me. He’s talking marriage. Would he be the right man to live with for the rest of my life?” (Grammar modified)
The controlling / jealousy virus to which he plays host will not disappear because you get married – it will get worse. If this is how the man treats you when you are dating (when he is being most romantic) you can only imagine what he will be like when you are married.
If you want your wings permanently clipped, your hands in handcuffs, every move, friendship, and thought monitored (and you consider these manifestations of jealousy to be expressions of love) then, of course, he is the man for you.
The man needs help and you are not the one who can provide it.
Travel aside: My childhood in Red Hill exposed me to the best curry dishes on the planet. I’ve spent the last 20 years in the USA craving Natal curries! Singapore has it. I found it. Dinner in the Geylang District of this great Island Nation caused me to sweat with joy.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Friendship, Manipulation, Reactivity, Sexual abuse, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
6 Comments »
June 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Our two-year marriage has been rocky. Two weeks ago he left and said he didn’t know how he felt about me. I found out he has been talking to another female for about two months. I have left him alone to give him time to think but I’m ready to know where he is in this. Today I took the opportunity to ask about where his feelings are. He said he had not thought about it much. Talk about a dagger through my heart. He said he was going to start traveling with his job and would be out of town about 8 months out of the year and we ought to throw in the towel. I told him that was not what I wanted but I would respect his decision. I am devastated! I love him and don’t want a divorce. Do you think there is any help for my situation? What do I do next?” (Edited)
He’s living with packed bags. It’s time for you to love yourself enough to want something better. If “better” is to be with your husband it will not be because of anything you do or do not do. Don’t leave your future in the hands of someone who treats you in this manner. Take up your life!
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
May 31, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. To be the most generous person you know.
2. To hold everything you own with an open hand.
3. To share everything you know with willingness.
4. To do all you can to empower the people within your circle of influence.
5. To be able to say “yes” more than “no” to the adventures that come your way (Ed Friedman)
6. To have the capacity to “see beyond” the limitations set by your family history, your nationality, and your faith story.
7. To be able to live within your means.
8. To embody forgiveness, freedom, and grace for all who will repeatedly and naturally attempt to sabotage you as you live your full and passionate life.
9. To embrace your dark side (everyone has one) by trying to understand it, accept it so that it will not need to push itself onto your center-stage and take you by surprise in response to your denial of its presence.
June 1st, 2010: Today our journey to Australia and Singapore begins. Traveling in the USA used to be a pleasure. Now it is usually a nightmare: no food on domestic flights, heavy security, frequent flight cancellations, lots of impatient “entitled” people. You can only imagine what all this means to my two boys! Hoping for two successful connections: Chicago and San Francisco.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Young Love |
5 Comments »
May 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I suggested my girlfriend and her 4-year-old son move in with me. The second day I knew it was a bad idea. Dirty plates, food, clothes everywhere; disorder, chaos. Sometimes I hate the boy. He manipulates my girlfriend. He is destroying our relationship. We talk about it and she says, ‘He’s just a kid.’ He is hyperactive with ADD and she won’t use medicine. Every time we go to the cinemas we have to leave in the middle because the boy can’t sit still. In restaurants he is under the table and throws food. The boy NEVER has a punishment and now he punches us. I doubt our future. I don’t want the boy in my life. She rarely bathes him so he smells bad. She makes him to watch television on my bed and I hate to go to my bed and smell her child. I cannot rest in my bedroom. I really love her. My family says that i must leave her. Dating a single mother sucks.”
None of you is benefitting here....
It seems mother and son need something you are not equipped to offer. Tell the woman your truth with the willingness to act upon it. This environment is not serving anyone of the three of you well.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
2 Comments »
May 27, 2010
by Rod Smith
Congratulations Brett and Sally....
Writing this column is as much a part of my life as my morning coffee. Knowing you read it every day in The Mercury, and others get it in different formats in the USA and beyond, allows me a feeling of connection with my readers. I want you to know that schools in the USA close this week for summer, and my children and I will be traveling to Australia. I will spend one week of five fulfilling a speaking engagement in Singapore. I will apportion a segment of the column to reflections from the road.
2. Although somewhat indulgent, I cannot help but draw attention to the birth of my great nephews and niece in Durban this week. James, Adam, and Savannah Arthur were born to Sally and (Glenwood Old Boy) Brett Arthur. The triplets join siblings Kaylee and Amy. The Arthur family clearly take “Go forth and multiply” very seriously.
3. Glenwood High School is one hundred years old. This weekend the community will celebrate its fine history. I offer congratulations to all who have made Glenwood High School one of the top schools in the Southern Hemisphere. Good luck for tomorrow’s rugby – someone please email me the results!
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
May 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am single and seeing a woman in her thirties. She has two children (about 9 and 7) who run all over her. She has no idea how to discipline them. They need a strong man to discipline them and I think that is going to be me. Is this a good idea since I am probably not going to marry their mother?” (Heavily edited)
Why would you continue to date someone when you know you are probably not going to move toward marriage? This is only acceptable if you have told her you have no intentions of marrying her and she has agreed, given this knowledge, to continue seeing you.
While you are the obvious candidate to assist a mother who appears to you to be overwhelmed (my word not yours) the helpful challenge would be to empower the mother to be more effective. While the mother may invite, and even desire, your help with disciplining the children, it is not a good idea for the long haul.
If you get between parent and child you will find it tough when she inevitably sides with the children against you. Remember, “piggy in the middle” is fun for everyone, except piggy! Stay out of other people’s issues – especially when there is no formal commitment.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
May 25, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My wife has a lot of interest from a man at work where they coach a sport together. What should I do?”
Get face-to-face with the man. Ask him directly what his intentions are and let him know what you are seeing with regards to his interest in your wife.
Ask your wife (who presumably says there is nothing going on) to include you in all correspondences, texts, emails, and so forth. If there is nothing to hide this should be no problem at all.
Volunteer regular hours to assist your wife. I am sure there is always a need for more help and it will be a way of spending time with your wife and getting a taste of what she is facing.
If there is anything going on between your wife and another man the best thing you can do is “push the system” or exert some pressure to have the truth come out. It might not be the truth you want, but then at least you will know it and be able to do what is necessary to get on with your life.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Difficult Relationships |
Leave a Comment »
May 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
Getting “lost” in a relationship, or over investing or over-functioning to the detriment of one’s well being, is very easy to do. The challenge of intimate relationships, including being a sibling, a son or daughter and a parent, having in-laws, growing and developing a career, is not only found in the desire for closeness, but also in the persistent challenge to maintain essential uniqueness. Unless you have both (togetherness and separateness – both at the same time and from the outset) the wheels will certainly ultimately fall off.
Becoming consumed happens between husbands and wives, parents and children, professionals and their jobs all the time. Such “losing” of oneself to another or to a job is often applauded as a mark of true commitment, dedication, the mark of a dedicated parent, spouse, or employee. In truth, distinctness, uniqueness, self-awareness, maintaining integrity, while also being deeply coupled or committed, is the mark or challenge of maturity.
If you do not define yourself in any relationship the relationship will define you. If you do not tell the world who you are and what you want, the world around you will impose its anxious shape upon you.
If you err on the side of deep connection, work on your uniqueness. If you tend toward independence, increase your capacity for deeper connection.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
1 Comment »
May 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Rules of engagement” for conflict between friends and lovers and members of the family:
1. We fight to love each other more powerfully while understanding that conflict is sometimes necessary to remove or negotiate our way around natural restrictions that come in the way of all love.
2. We fight to better understand each other and because some deeply seated beliefs and positions are only clarified through benign conflict.
3. We do not fight to hurt, damage, or destroy but rather to clarify thinking, to define ourselves more clearly, and therefore, to see each other more fully.
4. When we fight we do not bring old issues into the fray, triangle others onto our side, or hide behind Scripture or other sacred writing.
5. When we fight we do not use stereotypes about men or women, race, creed, culture, or nationality.
6. We put a time limit on our conflicts, agreeing that the necessary conflict will not pervade every part of our relationship. Troubles in parts of our relationship do not need to contaminate the whole.
7. When we fight we will always give each other the benefit of the doubt, the offer of complete forgiveness, and an open dialogue free of cynicism, sarcasms, and retribution.
8. We will agree to disagree, respect our differences, and embrace our similarities. (From Gail S. Gibbons)
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
5 Comments »
difficultrelationships.com 