“My son and his wife have only been married a year and they are already are having some issues. They have asked me not to tell anyone even though I know some people who can really help them. I think they are embarrassed and are not ready to share and thereby cut their problems in half. It took me a long time to realize I was not alone before I’d talk to people and get the help I needed – and I don’t want them to make the same mistakes I made. Please help.”

It is not unusual to have issues from day one, let alone after the first year! Most healthy, vibrant couples are seldom without some degree of conflict within their marriage. Offer your son and his wife complete cooperation.

While he is your son, in many senses his new family is a completely separate family, fully deserving of discovering and designing its own way to address life and all life offers. Garner the courage and the self-discipline to be a listening ear while learning to restrain yourself from the natural urge to fix what you feel needs fixing.

“I have lived with a man for 10 years. We have had minor arguments off and on. He is in a high stress environment at work. We have faced many accidents and even cancer throughout our time together. We talked about getting married, and buying a house together. Three weeks ago he told me he needs space. He wants to live in his own house and me live in mine and see me every two weeks. He told me also he wants no one around him right now that there is too much going on in his life. There is no other woman, just friends to talk to for a woman’s point of view. Does it sound like it is over? Do you think he has some major issues and he does not know how to deal with them? I have been very lonely and he knows it. He knows I love him.”

I’d suggest you kick yourself into gear and decide what you will do with the rest of your life – rather than wait for a man to face his potential “major issues” or tell you it is over. The only woman’s point of view he ought to consider after ten years is yours.

I agree I could have been more helpful to the man who now avoids dating divorced women with children. Here’s a sample, with minimal editing, of the landslide of mail….

“A bit harsh weren’t you? (Mercury 7/10/2010). Unless the hapless running fellow gave you a lot more than you gave us, seems you were having a pretty rough day when you penned your tart response!”

“You obviously have no experience of dating a single mother. Her guilt and self-recrimination at the breakdown of her marriage drives her to over compensate and not discipline the child. There is also the problem of paternal visitation as you normalise the family dynamics. It’s time for the child to visit daddy and returns bitter and twisted having been used as a pawn in the divorce. So I suggest to Mr. Anonymous to run, like the wind and find a childless mother.”

“I would disagree with your quick judgment. The man’s tone is a little cynical, but usually you are tactful, honest, and helpful. It’s not about controlling. I think your opinion of how to balance a new three-way relationship like that would be helpful rather. The question you should address is what/how SHOULD a gentleman do / act in a relationship with a single mom.”

My beautiful story begins with an email two days after the 23rd birthday of a very special girl. You see, this girl is the daughter I gave up for adoption at birth. It was the most heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, mind-numbing thing I’ve ever had to do in my young life.

We found each other through an adoption website and quickly started communicating. I was shocked, excited and nervous all at the same time when we began exchanging emails. Will she accept me, judge me, be angry with me?

We made plans to reunite with family in August, it was a beautiful reunion. When our eyes met for the first time, the tears freely fell and we locked in an embrace that was so warm, beautiful and inviting I didn’t want to let go.

We spent hours looking at pictures of her life with this wonderful family that openly welcomed her as their own and raised her to be a beautiful, carefree, loving, responsible young woman.

She has welcomed her new family with open arms. We have so much more to discover about each other and my heart swells at the thought of her in my life.

My family is now complete.

submitted by “Shara”

It had been a sultry day in Durban and I had been rushing from meeting to meeting. En route to my final meeting I stopped off at a busy shopping centre to buy snacks for my book club. With ten minutes to get to my last meeting, I packed the shopping bags into the boot, closed it, and moved to the front door. A car guard was waiting politely to help me reverse from my parking spot. Car guards are plentiful in Durban. They can be “in your face” and generally not at all useful in assisting with either parking or exiting from a parking space. Many people (including me) consider them to be a nuisance.

As usual, I had no cash but I did find 50 cents in the car. I handed it to the car guard with an apology for the meager amount. I promised I’d him give more the next time. He looked at me, and, in perfect English and with an underlying French accent he said, “Madam, do not diminish your act of generosity by apologising for the amount given. It was given willingly, and with a smile. It is accepted with the same.”

Niki Armstrong

“Single mothers are highly problematic. I have dated two of them and the relationship typically suffers as a result of the mother-child relationship. When dating such a woman, one is jumping into the middle of the aftermath of a divorce, in some cases the ex-husband hanging around when the the ‘new’ boyfriend comes in. Then there’s the problem of the mother’s regimen of discipline toward the child, often non-existent. And, what can the ‘boyfriend’ really say or do about the child’s behavioral problems? Such ‘families’ have significantly and damaging bitter ends. While single mothers are attractive when I see one now I run the other way!”

I’d suggest you keep running – from all women. This will save at least a few women the tiresome bother of dating a man with controlling, narcissistic tendencies.

“Children at school call my son (8) hurtful names. He is not a rough, sports-crazy boy. He is soft, gentle and is used to being with two sisters. The name-calling is disturbing for him because he has no idea why it is happening. He doesn’t understand any other way to be a boy so he finds the taunts very confusing. Please help.”

Visit the school and do what is possible to protect your son. Alerting school authorities, while necessary, is unlikely to achieve much. Mean children are hard for any school to police.

Coach your son to stand up for himself. The sooner he learns he is able to speak up and defend his innocence, the better he will be equipped to do so for as long as it is necessary.

Create role-plays and games where he can use and hear his voice and become accustomed to the idea of speaking up on his own behalf.

Having done such an exercise with a few children and I know its power to defuse bullies and make your son a formidable, appropriate opponent of all who would try to belittle his strengths.

A parent responds:

“I read about the 8-year old boy who is being called names at school. This child might attend a traditional, boys-only school, where the notion of survival of the fittest reigns supreme.

“Too often fathers send their sons to such schools because they attended them or feel that this sort of limited learning environment will make ‘men’ of their boys. The truth is that these schools are outdated and lack a balanced view of what sort of character and skills we need to instill in future generations.

“While it’s all very well to try to teach our children to ‘stand up for themselves’ this often means introducing an approach totally foreign to the well-adjusted family. This child gets to school and is shocked into wordlessness when he/she encounter rudeness or violent behaviour – all learned behaviours from dysfunctional home environments where dissatisfied parents are to blame.

“Children mirror the behaviour witnessed within the family. It’s time we, as parents, faced up to and accepted this truth. The way we display our dissatisfaction within the primary relationship is the way we teach our children to deal with their relationships.

“My advice is that your parent removes the boy from that school and find a more enlightened establishment and then begin a programme of self defence skills.” (Edited)

It is the depth of the tie or entanglement between people that can keep couples together despite toxic circumstances like addictions, constant expressions of anger, violence, ridicule, or unfaithfulness.

“Why doesn’t she leave him after his unfaithfulness,” or “I wouldn’t put up with her drinking,” are easy observations to make when details are revealed about a troubled relationship – but it is not as simple as packing bags and moving out.

There are often children, schools, houses, cars, debts, and extended families keeping people together. There are memories. There’s the hope that things will improve. Being together has become a way of life. Even the most troubled relationship can make a person feel he or she belongs. Even the most controlling of marriages can feel “normal”.

For one couple a raging fight might be as “comforting” as a romantic dinner might be for another couple.

There are multiple overt and covert pressures that glue people together despite the most trying of circumstances.

It’s not love – it’s habit, hope, and a shared history that can make a conflicted relationship feel impossible to escape.