“My second marriage became beyond repair and now I am beyond crying and being hurt anymore. I have no need to seek revenge or harbour resentment. Life is life. Those feelings take up too much energy. Moving forward alone did not seem to be a necessity. I thought I could live alongside my husband amicably because my feelings for him were purely as a friend. I no longer had expectations so I could no longer get hurt. With young children and having done the divorce route on a prior occasion I knew what was ahead.

“This has led to a very lonely marriage. The question ‘How do you cope?’ made me think very hard about my life. I enlarged my circle of ‘girl friends’ and we spend what time we can together, we laugh, talk, share, and move on lighter for the experience. They have kept my feet on the ground and always encouraged me to be the most I can be. I spend quality time with my children. I have embarked on my Spiritual Path. I close my front door at night and am once again alone. I know I have to step out of my comfort zone and, use ‘hindsight’ as a guide to move forward successfully.” (Edited)

Four scenarios – let me know how you thrive in tough circumstances….

1. It’s one thing to be single and lonely – there’s at least some expectation that if someone is alone he or she might occasionally feel it. But to be married and be lonely must surely come with unimaginable pain. If this is you, please let me know your coping strategies. Place “loneliness” in the Email heading.
2. Feeling caught or trapped in the middle of any relationship triangle can grind a person down. If it’s you, your children, and their other parent, or you, your parents and your spouse, or your boss and the other employees, whatever the trap let me know how you nonetheless cope. Please place “feeling trapped” in the heading.
3. If you are the sober party in relationship dominated by addictions, let me know how you cope. What specific strategies do you have to keep yourself functioning in a place of stress and pain? Please put “living with addictions” in your heading.
4. Some people always think they love others more than others love them. They initiate everything and end up feeling that if they did not initiate things there’d be no relationship. If this is you, please let me know how you cope. Place “initiator” in the heading.

Hi Rod

My name is Tanja, I am 38 years old and I am an abused woman.  I live in Amanzimtoti. I have a 19 year old daughter.

I too know what it is like to be verbally, mentally and physically abused by my husband.  I was always the one in the wrong and was blamed for everything that went wrong. His rage was scary, I used to cower in fear of him.

Eventually I felt so worthless I started to drink myself to death.  My daughter had to put up with this for many years until she started getting the abuse alongside me, but I still did not leave.  I came to believe that this was what I was meant to be going through and that there was no better life for me.  I just sunk into depression and kept drinking.  When I was drunk I would wake up the next morning and not remember all the horrible things he said and I would just hide all the bruises and pretend all was fine.

One night I woke up and my husband with beating her up and I took a knife and stabbed him to protect her.  I was the one who was almost arrested for attempted murder and all I was doing was protecting my daughter.

This time I got out, it was hell in the beginning because all I knew about myself was that I was “fat and ugly”, a useless piece of white skin, a waste of time.  I could go on for hours and use cruder words but my life was a living hell. I carried on drinking and I made my life hell.

Lucky for me he found a girlfriend, even though I still thought I could not be able to live without him and that I loved him so much.  I eventually went to rehab and dried out.  In those 3 weeks, being taken out of society I had the time to focus on me.  What did I want?  The answer, easy; “ I just want to be happy”.  I have been sober for 14 months now and my daughter has stood by me the whole way.

On the 5 March this year my divorce went through.  On 19 March my husband beat his girlfriend to death and on 1 April he hanged himself whilst in custody.

My message to all who are enduring the same suffering that I did.  GET OUT NOW!  You can do it, I promise, no it won’t be easy but at the end of the day you will have your dignity back and realize that you are a wonderful person and that a lot of people love you and want to help you, let them.

I am a lot stronger mentally but sometimes the horrible names and words come back to me. But I keep reminding myself that I am ME and I am OK.

Note: This letter has been shortened as I would take me a day to type up everything he did to me.

Thanks so much.

Kind regards,

Tanja

“I read with interest about the woman subjected to her husband’s rage and her subsequent lack of emotion and passion. I lived with this for many years believing I was to blame. Each time more of my emotions died until there was nothing left.  Not only did I have his anger outbursts, I was also not allowed to cry because that was considered manipulation. I believe that this is an addiction as my husband seems to need to do it every 10 days and will vent on whoever is handy and is in a weaker position than he is.  Sometimes it is so bad that several people get to feel his anger. I have since told him that his anger is his problem and has nothing to do with me.  I also manage most times to not react when he is having one of his tantrums and just let the anger run its course. I have also learned to not listen to the abuse about how useless I am. I have worked very hard on trying to live my life as best I can and to do things that make me happy and live in hope that one day my emotions and passions will be reignited.” (Edited)

“My husband and I argue and fight a lot. Our fights become physical and we hit each other. We live with his mother and there’s tension between us. I know I need to move out. We have a young son who watches us fight. He screams when he sees it. I don’t want my son exposed to this sort of behavior. I get so easily annoyed with his family as I feel that I don’t have the privacy that I need or the freedom to be myself. I cannot call the house my home. We argue over our families as we constantly try to find fault. When we fight he swears at me and calls me cruel names. I can’t stand that so I swear him back. I was never this kind of person. I feel he takes advantage of me. Our fights go on for hours.”

Your son needs you to grow up. You are parents – not disturbed adolescents. Many multiple-generation homes are wonderfully successful – examine what is it about you (not your husband or his mother) that you cannot find comfortable compromises. A healthy peace will never prevail while you are so focused on the faults of others, while you are hitting each other, while you are spoiled children in adult roles.

“A challenge in my marriage is my husband’s inability to control his emotions. When we have a disagreement he’s verbally abusive and trashes my family and my intelligence. It’s justified as he regards my opposition to his opinions as personal attacks. I am hurt by this verbal abuse. This problem is corrosive to intimacy. The verbal abuse makes me withdraw my affection. He doesn’t make the connection and blames me for only wanting sex once a week.”

If he can't control his tongue....

I hope you (and every reader) never participate in sexual behavior you yourself do not want.

Respect the natural self-protection mechanisms within you. These are powerful early waning systems to warn you about physically harmful situations. A man who can verbally beat you up is but a moment away from other forms of violence. Why ought he be any better at controlling his fists when he can’t control his tongue?

Your husband’s foul mouth toward you is his responsibility and his issue. Don’t take any blame for it. He’s got to get the help he needs and, while you take any responsibility for it, he will not. Nothing you do causes him to lash out and nothing you do will stop him.

Intimacy is hard to find

Intimacy occurs when I let you into my head, heart, and reality – without fearing that you will disapprove of what you see. I let you in, and my hope is that you will love me and accept me. I don’t want you to rummage around, judge my thoughts, or be startled. I don’t want you to rearrange the furniture or paint the walls. We discover intimacy when you enter my world and you behave a valued, respectful guest. You are a guest, not a consultant or an interior decorator or a demolition expert. I want you to know me so you can treasure me and understand me and enjoy me – so don’t try to change or fix me.

Authentic Intimacy (there’s no other kind) is not easy. You have to know yourself really well, possess a high degree of self-acceptance and self-love. In the event you do not love and accept yourself, the moment you enter my world, the experience will be so unsettling for you that you will either take an emotional hike or you’ll feel like you have to be a missionary or nurse and fix whatever I show you.

A dad writes….

“Perhaps the thing that surprises me most, among many things that do, about being a dad, is the fact that when my children suffer or are in trouble, it affects me physically. I feel literally ill when my children are ill. I feel pain and distress when my children are discontent. It gets me in the gut in a way I never dreamed possible. It can almost ruin my day just to know one of them is upset. Now you might think I have no boundaries or that I am enmeshed with my children but I would not agree. My children and I are very separate in some ways and very close in other ways. I have a very full life apart from them – so I think I have good boundaries. Yet, we are connected. It is uncanny. I can look at my children and tell you what mood they are in and they can almost do the same with me. I have to work very hard at not letting everything that hurts them make me jump to their rescue. I am embarrassed to say that sometimes I need a break from my children. It’s not that I don’t love them, it is that everything is often so intense.”