December 30, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I have a problem sibling. My sister and I spent four long years not talking, much to my mom’s distress, and many other years bickering. We made up, mostly for my mother. It didn’t seem fair to me that I had to humble myself and beg her to let things go (even though the whole thing was almost entirely her fault) but I did it for the sake of family harmony. My children wanted to see their cousin (her son). We are now on speaking terms, but because of distance we only see each other once a year. She drives me crazy, but for that one short visit I just suck it up and smile.”
Congratulations. You are no doubt stronger and wiser for your humility and your enduring acts of reconciliation. As a result of your efforts your mother is potentially less anxious and your children get to see and know their cousin: everyone, including you, appears to gain.
It is not who caused the issue or the division that is as important as who is strong enough to facilitate the healing.
Besides, let’s remain aware: it takes at least two to tangle! (No, I did not mean to say “tango.”)
Posted in Children, Communication, Family |
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December 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
My elderly mother was very upset at Christmas because my brother (32) and I (29) are not speaking (to each other) and so we came to Christmas Day at her house at different times to make it easier for her. We didn’t plan to come at different times: it is something we’ve worked out without actually talking about it. Now she is not speaking to me. Please help. (Letter shortened)
Given your capacity communicate without “actually talking” with your brother, I’d suggest you each also possess the ability to find enduring reconciliation. I will remind you that it is likely that you will have a brother for longer than you will have a mother.
Finding peace with a brother, quite apart from alleviating the pain the schism inflicts upon your mother, is usually a good and healthy thing to do.
When families are split it is the stronger person, and not the guilty person, or the “problem” person, who holds the keys of forgiveness and reconciliation.
Approach your brother in a spirit of humility: it might surprise how open he is to embracing his estranged sibling, and, at the same time, you will each be giving your mother a belated Christmas gift she will not stop talking about.
Posted in Family, High maintenance relationships |
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December 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
“For thirteen years my family has met at my brother’s house for Christmas. I want to have my family at my house but my brother says it is a tradition and he will not hear of it. Now I have to choose to invite my in-laws (the other side of the family) to my house at the cost of not going to my brother’s house. It would be helpful if my brother were a little more flexible. Please help.”
As an adult with your own immediate family I hereby grant you permission to have Christmas wherever you choose. The contest of wills with your brother will not be resolved before December 25th, 2007 since its origins are deeply embedded in your childhoods.
Sometimes growing up and having your own family involves a degree of “moving on” and I’d suggest you break this 13-year tradition and begin a few of your own.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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December 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
I ordered the book containing the 450 DifficultRelationships.com columns and – to my dismay – found numerous typos. PLEASE, if while reading a column on this website, you trip over a typo, please drop me a comment so I can fix it!
In the meantime I have decided that typos are like ZITS:
Seven things to know about Zits (and typos):
- Zits appear in conspicuous places
- Zits emerge no matter how much you scrub
- Zits (on you) appear larger than they are
- Zits look worse if you try to fix them
- Zits go underground when you look for them
- Zits have a willful and perverse life of their own
- Zits collaborate – get one, and before you know it, three new ones appear
Typos are zits in print. Actually, typos are worse, they are like finding a fly in your soup, or a dead mouse in a box of cereal after you’ve just indulged in two bowls.
Don’t let my typos stop you from enjoying the Fourth Edition of A Short Course in Good Manners – see, I knew it was “Fourth” and not “Forth”. With the help of readers we’ll get the website cleaned up, too.
Oh for the day the copy editor could get her hands on the web just as she does before the column goes to print.
Thanks for your help,
Rod
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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December 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
Here’s a letter from a woman seeking help from other women. Please Email me with your suggestions:
“Until yesterday I was having an affair with a married man with children. I never pursed him. He pursued me like a wild man. He called me over 20 times a day. I caved in. Throughout our affair he told me how his wife didn’t like to make love. He said the fire was out. He liked to make love a lot every day. A few weeks ago his black book fell out of his pocket and I found it after he was gone. I thumbed through it and discovered his wife is pregnant. When he came back and asked me if I had looked at it. I lied. He has clearly said he and his wife were done having children. He is selfish and was expecting me to continue the affair even after all this. Has he lost his mind! I am so sorry to have ever gotten involved. Should I contact his wife and come clean or should I keep my silence? What would a wife want to know? Please if there are any wives in this situation: tell me what you would want me to do.”
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal |
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December 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband got caught up in an affair with a woman at work. Distance made it was difficult for them to see each other but it lasted 18 months. I found out. We moved country. Changed company. All forgiven. Our stable, happy marriage of 33 years suffered but was reestablished. Now 8 months ago, he has been assigned to the same province where she lives although 400 km apart. I suspect that they might be in contact either by phone or email and I suspect that she knows he is in this area and might try to see him. She was really determined to keep the affair going. I would like to know if I will jeopardize our relationship if I ask my husband if they are in contact or if he has heard from her. We have not spoken about her for 4 years nor about the affair. We chose to put it behind us.” (Minimally edited for space only)
Of course this must be talked about. Putting something behind you doesn’t mean never talking about it again — it means stopping the behavior, finding reconciliation, and discussing it whenever one of you needs to. Ask. Talk. Debate. What you avoid talking about will have more power than what you do talk about.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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December 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Christians ought to be the most free, most fun loving, joyful people of all, and, when married, ought to be having the very best “wall-socket” (a David Schnarch term) sex on the planet.
Surely, knowing a creative God, being engaged in a dynamic relationship with the very Giver of life, the very source of joy – ought to translate every Christian marriage into a powerhouse of sexual joy and fulfillment?
It seems to me that “sexless” and “Christian marriage” – apart from very unusual circumstances, ought to be next to impossible to find – and an oxymoron if there was ever one. While, as a therapist I know this is not the case (for sexuality has become so very soiled for so very many people) it is not unreasonable to expect that people who claim to know and serve the Living God ought to enjoy and know the best sex and most powerful relationships God and life can offer.
Since equal, mutual, and respectful sex between a husband and wife is one physical representation of the love of God, sex between married Christians is in itself one of many acts of worship – at least with as much importance as reading the Bible or attending church, feeding the poor, or having a “Quiet Time.” Good, mutual, and respectful sex is one way to get closer to God and improve the spiritual dynamic of everyday living.
Posted in Attraction, Faith, Family, Friendship, Sex education, Sex matters, Voice |
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November 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
It is in us to love. It’s human. We have the capacity for it. Even hurt and rejected people can love. Once a person accepts that love has more than romantic connotations, as powerful and valid as these of course are, he or she will be able to see its broader power.
Love is unleashed through simple, but not easy, human acts of seeking the highest good both for oneself and for others. Acts of offering unearned forgiveness, of reaching out to the estranged, of welcoming a stranger, of letting go of all prejudice, of rejecting dishonesty – all begin within the individual human heart.
When a person intentionally facilitates others toward finding and enjoying and exercising the full range of their humanity, he or she will know and see and experience the powerhouse love is.
Even people with reason to reject others, having themselves been rejected or treated inhumanely, have it in them to love, if they dare to muster the courage for it. It comes quite naturally to the courageous person, and when it is unleashed, the purposes and the meaning of life surge into the heart of all who have the courage to hear and respond to its powerful call.
If you want a bound edition of all 400+ columns GO TO: www.ToughPlace.Blogspot.com and follow the directions on the right of the page…….
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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November 28, 2007
by Rod Smith
Jealousy serves no useful purpose. Jealous men (It’s men in my experience) try and tell me it comes with love. Nonsense.
Ugliness is never a symptom of love.
Placated? Appeased? Entertained? Jealousy won’t dissipate. It will grow. And grow. Become increasingly demanding.
The sympathetic, those allowing jealousy to do its ugly work, will discover the virus to be insatiable. It will only becomes more restrictive and ridiculous.
“I stopped talking to men at work, I stopped dressing in pink, I stopped calling my sister, I stopped smiling – these behaviors of mine made him jealous,” she says, “now he doesn’t want me talking anyone, or wearing clothes he didn’t pick out for me, or talking to anyone in my entire family!”
Rings of pure love, doesn’t it?
It is common for a woman to believe she causes a man’s jealousy.
“I make him jealous,” she says.
“No you do not. You are not that powerful,” I say, “his jealousy predates you, and now you are the unlucky victim of the virus.”
Don’t mess (negotiate) with it. Stand up to it. Or it will get you every time. It will contaminate your every move, your every thought. (This is the nature of a virus.)
Address him with: “This is your issue, not mine. I love my life too much to allow your jealousy to manipulate or dominate me. If you want me, you have to accept that I will not allow your issues to have any power over me. It’s sad enough that your issues control you, I am certainly not going to let them control me. I’m interested to see what YOU will decide to do with YOUR problem.”
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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November 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
and delivered to your door for $35.00 (Postage included within the USA) Readers in other countries, kindly let me know you want the book and I will let you know the postage cost).
251 pages, 450 columns — all in your own bound edition.
GO TO: www.ToughPlace.Blogspot.com and follow the directions on the right of the page…….
I hope you do it,
Rod Smith
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