Women, and jealous men…

by Rod Smith

Jealousy serves no useful purpose. Jealous men (It’s men in my experience) try and tell me it comes with love. Nonsense.

Ugliness is never a symptom of love.

Placated? Appeased? Entertained? Jealousy won’t dissipate. It will grow. And grow. Become increasingly demanding.

The sympathetic, those allowing jealousy to do its ugly work, will discover the virus to be insatiable. It will only becomes more restrictive and ridiculous.

“I stopped talking to men at work, I stopped dressing in pink, I stopped calling my sister, I stopped smiling – these behaviors of mine made him jealous,” she says, “now he doesn’t want me talking anyone, or wearing clothes he didn’t pick out for me, or talking to anyone in my entire family!”

Rings of pure love, doesn’t it?

It is common for a woman to believe she causes a man’s jealousy.

“I make him jealous,” she says.

“No you do not. You are not that powerful,” I say, “his jealousy predates you, and now you are the unlucky victim of the virus.”

Don’t mess (negotiate) with it. Stand up to it. Or it will get you every time. It will contaminate your every move, your every thought. (This is the nature of a virus.)

Address him with: “This is your issue, not mine. I love my life too much to allow your jealousy to manipulate or dominate me. If you want me, you have to accept that I will not allow your issues to have any power over me. It’s sad enough that your issues control you, I am certainly not going to let them control me. I’m interested to see what YOU will decide to do with YOUR problem.”

16 Comments to “Women, and jealous men…”

  1. Please help me with this Big problem I have. I have the perfect man in my life right now. We are talking about marriage soon. He is a very jealous person and I don’t know how to help him with it. He tells me hes no but it is very clear to me and everyone else. How do i make him see he does have a problem and its killing me? Please help me

  2. He’s “perfect” and yet jealous? This is an issue that will continue “killing you” if you do not address it head on by refusing to heed to the demands of the virus.
    Jealousy cannot, and will not be appeased. It will only toe the line (and not disappear) if it is resisted.
    Love and jealousy have nothing in common so do fall for the line that he is jealous because he loves you.
    Whatever its genesis, it is certianly not your issue or your fault. Also, there is nothing you can do to make it worse or better. I’d suggest jealousy is a good enough reason to put a relationship on hold.
    Having your style cramped or your wings clipped when you are dating is one thing – living this way for the rest of your life is quite another!

  3. Thank you so much for sending me a reply. How would I go about talking to him about this? Is there something you could have me say to start working on this problem? I love him VERY much and I really want this to work.

  4. Hello,
    I am writing because my boyfriend and I are about to get married too! I have a problem though…..he’s insecure about the fact that my daughter’s father is in her life. What do I do to assure him that nothing is going on with us other than taking care of his child? When we broke up about 9 years ago, her father was the one who confronted him and since we have gotten back together, he brings him up in our conversations sometimes! What do I do??

  5. Dear Dionne:

    It is not you who has the problem. He is the one who is insecure and he is the one who has the issue.

    If the man is troubled that his soon-to-be stepdaughter is co-parented by her biological father, the man is not ready for marriage, let alone is he ready to assume duties as a stepparent.

    Do not try to reason with insecurity (or jealousy, or possessiveness) or to pacify it. Don’t modify your normal responses to your daughter and to her father in an attempt to appease the spirit of insecurity living within him. Your attempts to please and pacify him will not succeed in anything but in making you into far less the woman you have every potential to be. Such living will grind you down until you feel like nothing.

    I’d suggest you run very fast in the other direction. Once you have gotten over the breakup, find a man who does not behave like a spoiled, hurt child. Such men do exist.

    Let me know what you decide.

    Rod

  6. Please help me.My boyfriend is very jealous person. I obey and follow what he want me not to do otherwise he hurt himself badly.To the point he got suicide and was rescued. I love him before but not like now. I can’t forgive myself anything happen to him (it is in my conscience).Please help.
    thank you.

  7. i need help to get out of a very abusive relationship, i am verbally abused yet can not find the strenth to turn away and leave. reason being that afterwards I am told I am so wonderful and I want to believe that. hours later I am being sworn at again. I am not allowed to have any friends be it male or female. Am also kept away from my family. when I stand up for myself I am told that I am mad and it is al my imagination.

  8. I feel I have to put up with his jealousy cause he is paying alot of my bills, since I have three kids and have a disability that will not go to trial till Oct 2008. He gets very down if I talk to my friends or go out with them without inviting him. I try to understand his insecurity because his former wife left him 4 years ago and he is afraid I will do the same. But I can’t handle it when he gets mad for little things like texting my friend or wearing a spaghetti strap shirt. He is trying to change me all the time, change me into an obedient little girlfriend/daughter who does everything his way so he doesn’t use “suicide” to control me. He has given me choices like, it’s either me or your girlfriend. I think its stupid but his reasons are because he thinks my girlfriend wants me sexually. Well I am not gay and I have to remind him constantly that he pleases me and that I am not attracted to woman sexually. I try so hard to bend my lifestyle, like wearing skirts with covered sleeved shirts, or ignoring my girlfriends phone calls, but there is always some reason for him to get mad and start an argument. Money matters has been my reason for putting up with these kinds of men cause I don’t feel anyone else will want me since I have a disability (I only have a small intestine) which causes me to be on the bowl alot and sick to my stomach chronically. I also have PMDS (premenstrul disforic disorder) so I am very moody. I feel I can’t have better cause any guy would walk away cause my problems. Oh, he tells me that alot.
    Just another tactic to keep me his.

  9. Hi, this site is a godsent. I live with my partner and our 7month old daughter. I suspect this is jealousy because i can’t see what else is the matter. He gives my best friend a very cold shoulder more often than not but what annoys me is that she is always there to give us a helping hand when we need it. He gets upset if i go to see my family for long, go to visit my friend or talk on the phone to her. Now he uses our daughter to send me on a guilt trip. I know it has been going on a while as we’ve been together 12 years and i have known my friend about that long, but i was young and didn’t pay much attention to it. Now i am not sure i want to spend the rest of my life like that. I would want to sort it out in a Christain way before taking more drastic action. Coupled with this is always suspicious of one’s actions, being accusatory about petty things. I don’t know if his family background (he grew up with his dad and step-mum who treated him badly) would have anything to do with him being this needy & insecure but this is not my problem and i am fed-up. Please advise. Many thanks

  10. I agree with you Rod, I love my husband and I am happy at some degree, he has become so insecure and very doubtful of me, checks my emails, my phone, my clothing, my ipod everything, it is killing our marriage because I don’t know how long I am going to be able to hold on. Everything started with an emotional affair I had, that was only a fantasy on my side, never nothing happened and I regret and wish never had happened but now my life is hell, is there hope or I am just holding onto a dream.. Is he ever going to get over it. I am a good wife, a good mother and a good successful woman but now all that seems to be crumbling apart…

  11. Hi,
    I need help with a really bad jealous boyfriend. He is the greatest guy I have ever met. He is the one for me. However he is letting his jealousy take over. He says that he has a really strong feeling that there is something going on with me and any of the guys I work with. We was working together when we met so he know how I am when I work around other guys. But I have never don’t anything with any of them but him. Every day I have to hear him tell me that i’m with my boyfriend and he know that there is something going on and I tell him everyday that there is no one else that i want or even think about in that way. He is driving me crazy with this. what can I do to help. I really don’t want to lose him. I LOVE HIM…..

  12. Have the article at home, but recently read how jealousy, per se, is small-minded & petty and has to do with envy of what someone else has or accomplishes, while jealousy due to possible threat to a relationship one values, is perfectly human (unless taken to extremes-see above stories). I resent the lack of distinction. It gives permission to behave badly and hurt significant others. Further, I would consider cheating a slap in the face/ making a fool/laughingstock of me. Anyone else see it this way?

    • I have been with my partner for 4 years. We worked together for
      3 year and honestly I thought I have found my soul mate. We loved each other and loved to spend time together. But at the beginning of the relationship i noticed he would constantly be questioning me . If i had feeling for my other coworker. He would accuse me of smiling ,and trying to get attention from this other man. I tried to explain that i had absolutely no feeling for other man. He would check my emails and text messages. he would accuse my of texting him and he would tell me that i will be sorry if his wife will find out that i have feeling for this other man. I was so devastated that i had to leave my job. But it did not stop there. when he called me at my new job and i could not answer he got angry ant tell me that Im talking to someone else and purposely not answering his phone calls. Once he send me email in someone else name and would pretend that he has feeling for me . I knew it was him. I always was faithful to my partner and I still love him very much, but i cannot take it any more because it degrades me .He will never change and will never trust me no mater how much I tell him that I love him.

  13. The man I am involved with tells me that he is not jelaous, but that I am at times inattentive to him and that this is disrespectful to him. I am taken by surprise since I am really quite attentive. Nobody can be 100% focused on another person at all times, we all go into our thoughts to, to thins about our families, things in our surrounding environment, our kids, and sometimes we just plain and simple decide to let our guard’s down just enought to relax and let it all hand loose. Well, that is just what happened, we were at a festival, a concert, sitting at a table at a cafe, with far too much space between us, I nocticed immediately, thinking this will be hard to converse. I got up on occasion to walk over to hug him, etc and sat back down. We both had a couple of drinks, and hung out. IT was a loud scene. I sat back in the chair just to relax, but my boyfriend, said something to the effect of “hey!!! I’m over here!!!” I thought he didn’t like how I was sitting, not lady like or somthing. So I completely changed it up. At some point he had gone to the rest room, came back, sat down and refused to acknowledge me, look at me, speak to me, nothing. Just had a look on his face. I was not about to stay slung over on the table as if to be listening for something that was not going to be said..so I just eventually sat back, sunk back into my chair again. I would have liked to have looked around, but did not knowing that he would think I was looking at men. I would have Loved to have actually gotten up and walked around the festival, but for some reason the choice was to sit. This period of time, felt like for ever. I felt like I was in an isolation chamber. He ordered another beer, then when he was nearly done, I said, please get the check, right after that he steered us right back to the car. At that, we missed the whole festival, and just went to the car. I made a comment about what had happened and got a flat out denial. It was all totally twisted around and manipulated and convoluted to become something of my problem. I was just looking at the crowd, not him, so he was doing the same thing. Even though I was not looking at the crowd…and so WHAT if I had been. Secondly, what ever happened to him coming over and telling me he wanted my attention. He flat out told me he did things that he did not do, pull my chair in, turn my chair, etc…never ever happened. The space was tight, and not even physically possible. I would have known if I was sitting in a chair being moved about. Did I look around and scan the crown once or twice, Sure, I bet I did. Who wouldn’t. Why go anywhere, if you are not going to be aware of your outer surroundings. I said that I could not handle this kind of jealous insecure behavior and that really upset him and he was completely insistent that what happened was neither jelaous or insecure. Then this turned into an interrogation session about me and my past and previous people I have seen, people who still are in my cell phone. Most I just never thought to delete. A couple to have gotten in touch since we started dating. One left an out of hand, message, of an inappropriate nature, totally unexpected to me. I did not respond to it. I did tell him I was dating someone. Somehow it was my fault that he contacted me. This has come up again and again. Then there is another former, who I have spoken with rarely in the past year. He had called to tell me he got a house and custody of his kid and to discuss some professional info. Social and casual. I did not initiate the call. He left a few messages, when I finally felt like I better take his call. I told my guy about this call and he just did not understand this one bit. This topic has come up over and over and over. I have caught so much crap for just wanting to be nice and friendly. I think of this as jelaous insecurity, he is appalled by that notion. What is it?
    I am offended by be interrogated and insulted by it and feel like a criminal. I wonder how many times going through this is o.k.. He says it is all triggered because of the one really sexual in nature message he checked out, which I made no effort to hide, and was NOT my doing to recieve, nor my choice.
    I understand the idea of being with one and only one man. That is what I want. But I cannot understand limits here as far as levels of devotional attention or what a person has to do to prove herself.

  14. I have been with my BF for 2 years now.. all our arguments are of me cheating. delete your FB change your number constantly tormenting me of who called who hit on me who text me . He is now talking about marriage but would this be the right man to live with for the rest of my life?

  15. I read the comments about other woman and their experience with jealous men. I had a very terrible experience with one too. Alot of the same similarities. These men are capable of really going to great lengths to cover up how bad they truly can be.2. in a relationship. They have learned and adapted through years of dating how to con a woman into believing that they are a perfect match for you. They are extremely talented in role playing as a perfect catch., I cannot stress enough howfar they will go to get a woman, and let me tell you it will be any woman. You are not special to them, they are not selective in who they find to fill the missing parts of themselves. When the mask that they wear comes off you will see the true monster hiding behind it, like I did. Really, am sorry for dogging jealous men, but my only experience with one is something I will always remeber as being the worse realtionship to have. It was truly a nightmare.

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