Woman seeks guidance from other women….

by Rod Smith

Here’s a letter from a woman seeking help from other women. Please Email me with your suggestions:

“Until yesterday I was having an affair with a married man with children. I never pursed him. He pursued me like a wild man. He called me over 20 times a day. I caved in. Throughout our affair he told me how his wife didn’t like to make love. He said the fire was out. He liked to make love a lot every day. A few weeks ago his black book fell out of his pocket and I found it after he was gone. I thumbed through it and discovered his wife is pregnant. When he came back and asked me if I had looked at it. I lied. He has clearly said he and his wife were done having children. He is selfish and was expecting me to continue the affair even after all this. Has he lost his mind! I am so sorry to have ever gotten involved. Should I contact his wife and come clean or should I keep my silence? What would a wife want to know? Please if there are any wives in this situation: tell me what you would want me to do.

20 Comments to “Woman seeks guidance from other women….”

  1. Perhaps things happen for a reason…(recently tagged your blog after clicking on a link from Digger)
    I WAS that pregnant wife whose husband started an affair shortly after my test was (+)!
    I wish someone had clearly TOLD ME instead of tip-toeing around my feelings as I tried to ride that disaster out…I’m sure the final outcome (divorce) would have been the same, but I wouldn’t have put myself through so much grief (19 mos’ worth; he left when our son was 11 mos old) if I had known sooner.

  2. Thank you Val. Let’s see how this goes. I am sure there will be many opinons expressed.

    Rod Smith

  3. I don’t think it’s your place to tell his wife. Tell HIM that he needs to be honest with her, and that you are finished wasting your time with him. He’s a loser.. kick him to the curb.. but leave his wife alone. My guess is that she knows he’s unfaithful, but she’s pregnant and maybe she’d rather not deal with it right now. Just my 2 cents.

  4. Thanks, Lisamm – I wonder if the man is capable of honesty with anyone? Perhaps in time he will grow up and see what his choices are doing to those whom he claims to love.

    Rod Smith

  5. He is still pursuing me and I think he honestly believes I can forgive him and continue the affair. He will not leave his wife (not that I ever wanted him too) ever as he believes in families stayting together but ironically it looks like he does not care enough to come clean with his wife. I think he is selfish and wants to keep me around until she (wife) is able to make love again. He does not sound remorseful but guilty (I think he feels like a small man –right now). I don’t feel it’s my place to tell the wife and I don’t think I ever will but I DO think she should know what he is all about — I too am a woman and should have never gotten involved in the first place. I am SO SORRY.

  6. You might be sorry but sorry is only really proven in that you have NOTHING further to do with him. No calls, no mail, nothing — you are being USED and while you even talk to him he will continue to abuse you and all the people in his life……..


  7. Rod, thank you. You are right.

  8. I am a wife to a cheater and it made alot harder to find out after the baby was born. I was so broken hearted it took away from valuble bonding I could’ve had with my baby. If I new when I was pregnant I could’ve dealt with it and had a better bonding time with my baby.

  9. I don’t think it is your job to play the “marriage police!”

    (Except for yourself – PLEASE you deserve a better person that this)

    He’ll get his. Every action has a reaction.

    You don’t have to do it.

    Get out!

  10. C’mon, princess– the fact that you try to “wiggle” your way into innocence (he persued… you caved) is a put-off. If we’re talking ’bout HONESTY, let’s start with YOU– and admit that you wanted IT, or this affair never would have ignited (didn’t your mama ever tell you what happens when you play with FIRE?). IMHO, this is your personal blaze to extinguish. Don’t throw another log on the fire by getting his wife involved (ignorance is bliss). Hop along now…

  11. Whoa contrabunny, let’s not offer meanness in place of good advice. Whereas she did give in to this man’s advances, he played a major role of intentionally stepping out on his wife. All the same, that part of it is spilt milk. It is his responsibility, not yours, to confess his misdeeds to his wife. Moving forward, Lover Who Wrote Above, you will need to emotionally separate yourself from this man by first physically getting away from him. When you have broken the physical ties, you will then need to be quite frank in admitting to yourself why a relationship with him seemed so appealing in the first place (perhaps a good counsellor could help you shed light on this). This is necessary to do so that you are no longer vulnerable to these kinds of “offers” from married men. You will also need to forgive yourself for having enabled this man’s bad behaviour. Look, life is all about experience and choices. All the decisions we make are what our experiences are based on. You have engaged in this activity and now, sadly, you’ve learned the hard way that cheating never really amounts to anything except lots of pain. Move on with your life in good stead, and seek a man that will honor you in the way your ex-lover should have honored his own wife. Take care and all the best.

  12. I too have been the pregnant wife. I didn’t know until my son was about 18 months old and it was more difficult because I didn’t want my son to loose his father. I don’t know what I would have done, exactly, if I had known, but it would have explained my husband’s baffling behavior. I felt as alone in the pregnancy, as if I was an unmarried, single pregnant woman. I was so hurt by his lack of involvement in the pregnancy and with me. I thought it was me, but in truth, it was about him and his mistress. His excuse was that he was afraid of becoming a young father and he could talk to this woman about being afraid….what a bunch of whoooie!!! The divorce happened when my son was 15 years old and it was devastating. In my experience and after seeing the hurt that was done to my son as a teenager, I should have divorced this man when my son was young….better yet, before he was born….that is the prespective of a pregnant wife. As to whether she should tell his wife, I think that the first thing should be investigating why she would willingly involve herself in someone else’s marriage. Being weak is a symptom of something that you lack in yourself…it doens’t matter what he does for you, but what is that you haven’t done for you. Then, realize this kind of man will cheat on you just like he is cheating on his wife. Except with you, there is no promises of forever and it won’t be forever. If he divorces her for you, that is a pitfall because of the guilt. This is bad, bad, bad,….get out and stay away from married men….they are trouble and they will always be trouble…..you deserve better than someone else’s second hand hubby….

  13. if you have the guys home address, i’d send an anonymous note to the wife, but only after you tell lover boy to tell her first. If he doesn’t, just send the note. Something as simple as “Just so you know, that perfect hubby of your ain’t so perfect”.

    You DO deserve better– a man who DOESN’T have a Mrs. waiting at home.

  14. I strongly disagree with ‘Now what?’ This man’s marriage is not her business and she should stay out of it, IMO.

  15. I am also a betrayed wife. You really need to think about how you would feel if you were his wife. I wanted to know, and I got in touch with the other woman and found out as much as I could. My husband would never have come clean with me – I doubt many men do until they are forced to. But to not tell his wife is to deny her the opportunity to take control of her life. This man could continue to have affairs and that is not only cruel but dangerous. She has the right to know the truth, no matter if you think she would want to know or not. Remember this quote from Madeleine Albright – “There is a special place in Hell for women who do not help other women”. I won’t say anything more – it is you who has to live with yourself.

  16. I agree that the wife has the right to the truth.. I just don’t agree that it needs to come from his mistress. “Trying to recover”, you say that you got in touch with the other woman in your personal situation… I take that to mean that you KNEW he was cheating (why else would you contact this woman?). My guess is that the wife already knows, and this girl doesn’t need to put herself in the position of being the bearer of bad news, or the one to officially break up this marriage. I think (my opinion only) that she needs to stay out of it. Their marriage is NONE OF HER BUSINESS and she needs to get away from this man. I don’t believe (my opinion only) she has some sort of moral obligation to inform this man’s wife.

  17. Take it from someone who told the wife, you don’t want to get involved. My situation was so similar to yours, married man with children pursuing me and I gave in to fill my own needs. I know it was wrong, its been devastating but it will be something that I will learn from in the end. In a moment of rage at the end, I called the wife. It was brief, basically just asked her if she knew where her husband had been spending her time, but it was enough. As soon as I hung up, I regretted it. It is his business, not mine as I’m done with him. He’s now picking up the pieces, the children are hurt and it really was his place to handle it. From my perspective, on top of working through the guilt of being part of a massive betrayal, I’m also bearing the guilt of overstepping my bounds. I’m moving on, no contact, and looking for someone who can treat me right. I’d steer clear of any contact with her. The only positive is that it did make cutting off communication with him so much easier, he’s so angry that I suspect I’ll never hear from him again.

  18. Thanks to everyone for your opinions and advice. I am still living with the pain of my terrible mistake and I can assure you I NEVER wanted to be involved with a married man. Unfortunately, my mother has been very ill (in fact dying) and I had a terrible moment of weakness, as I was feeling VERY ALONE in this world. For the wives who have responded, I feel your pain too as I lived thru this with my father as a child. In the end, my parents divorced. Rod, thanks for creating such a wonderful place to exhange life experiences without judgement. I have not told the wife nor will I as I do agree with some comments above that it is not my place, I would only cause more pain and the wife probably already knows the kind of man she married (or I hope for her sake).

  19. I was in an affair,which has only just ended,for 2 years.The wife used to be a friend of mine.I overstepped every moral boundary in my book and have paid a massive price for it.
    I justified everything with the thought that “surely this man must love me” He gave me all the lines from “you’ve set me free” to “you’re my soulmate”
    He actually left his wife then made it clear he didn’t want a real relationship with me through his actions. 3 months after he left her the first time he dumped me and went back there.That was 18 months ago and in the whole time he’s never actually moved back home with his wife even though he’s been back and forth between us ever since.Even when he went back to her for 6 months last time he never moved back home(he has his own house now)
    I took that as a sign he didn’t really want to be with her any more so when he ame back this last time I thought he must have finally made a decision.Lo and behold he’s gone back to her again!After all the promises he made and everything he said.He even said to me once he was glad I wasn’t her.
    Take it from me,You are setting yourself up for a world of pain,torment,emotional abuse and self-hate getting involved with a married man.
    I keep thinking about how I would treat someone I loved and it wouldn’t be like that.
    Word of warning especially to women who leave marriages to be with their married affair partners who still won’t leave their wives.Realise that there were reasons you left your marriage and it really has nothing to do wityh your other man.
    There is truth to the thought that affair partners actually make it easier for someone to stay in their marriage because they get all the bits that are lacking in their lives from someone who gives them all but is trained to expect nothing.
    The fact we’re willing to allow the “relationship[” shows we don’t expect respect or commitment.
    It’s not about love when someone comes late at night to screw you then spends the weekend tending to their family.
    Get a grip,get a life,get real.
    It hurts,but far less than being somebodies “Nothing”

  20. Hi, I have just ended a 2 year affair and would like to share my experience here. Can someone show me how do i submit my story?

    I totally understand how you feel and like you, right now, i have an urgent urge to tell his wife so that he pays for the pain he caused me. But after that, when the storm has calm down, i asked myself, should i hurt a woman who has never hurt me? the thought that i have once taken her man’s attention from her is already punishing enough for her. I bump into her all the time as we live nearby each other. When she is alone, i can see the sadness in her face. That’s torment for her as her husband couldn’t give her 100% of his love. So, please rethink your decision. Don’t add more to her burden of pain. I nearly did but glad that i didn’t. I only wanted to hurt him, not her.

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