Archive for December 26th, 2007

December 26, 2007

Relatives consider moving her stuff…..

by Rod Smith

“My sister-in-law died two years ago and her husband is still grieving for her. He continues going to work everyday and is slowing starting to pick up his life. However, he has not yet disposed of her personal items. Some other relatives feel that he should have done so by now and they may be considering doing it themselves. I do not agree with them. Two years is not a long time. Please comment.”

Leave the man to do what he needs to do, and to do it in his own time. Of course meddling relatives ought to be persuaded to mind their own business, and to leave him and the belongings of the deceased alone.

December 26, 2007

He needs sex to maintain any kind of decent mood…

by Rod Smith

“I love my husband but he is sending me into an abyss. He’s become more and more jealous, insecure, and needy. He requires sex to maintain any sort of decent mood. I pay the emotional price if I don’t have sex every two or three days. He never admits to being controlling and I don’t think he believes he is. I have lost most of my sex drive. I am constantly fearful of crossing his moods. He says his mood cannot improve without sex. I feel it’s abusive to submit to something sexual when I am feeling hurt, sad, and exhausted. Are we in a catch-22? Is it unusual to have one’s libido destroyed by a requirement to provide sex?” (Edited)

Until you, not your husband, govern your internal (emotional, sexual, spiritual) life, things won’t improve. Control and love cannot co-exist within the same relationship.

Your husband’s belief that he needs sex (from you), more than you need kindness (from him), demonstrates his distorted, immature understanding of sex. It is this very misunderstanding which reduces sex into something cruel, divorcing the act from anything resembling love.

Of course your libido is diminished: you’re in an abusive cycle that won’t improve until you find and use your voice. I don’t doubt you THINK you love him (you believe you love him and cannot, at this point, conceive of NOT loving him) – but can you love him enough to stand up to him? His controlling behavior (and your submission to it) does neither of you any good.

December 26, 2007

Try (also) liking the people you love….

by Rod Smith

Sometimes liking (enjoying, being pleased to see) someone is even more powerful than loving someone. I’ve met a few men and women who, in trying to sound magnanimous or even holy who have declared: “I really love my son (or my husband, daughter, in-laws, pastor) but I just don’t like him (her, them) right now.”

Great! Thanks. What does one do when one is on the receiving end of such a “compliment”?

If you do not like a particular person whom you also confess to love, I’d suggest you have some homework to complete.

What is it about you that you cannot reconcile these two distinctly different responses (love and dislike) within you, when it comes to the very same person?

Of course, I understand that people whom we love can and will do some detestable things and sometimes must be censured for their objectionable behavior. But is confessed dislike the helpful response?

My challenge is, and I direct it as much to myself as I do to readers: work on yourself to the place where you like and also love the very same people.