January 18, 2018
by Rod Smith
Teaching children “yes” and “no” is, in my mind, as important as teaching a child how to read, write, and to count.
I want my sons, according to their respective ages, to…
- Say YES to opportunities even if they involve risk or if they involve venturing into the unknown, learning new things, and breaking unhelpful habits.
- I want them to say YES especially if the opportunities involve meeting new people and people other than those with whom they’d usually mix.
- Say YES to opportunities to travel, to serve, and to build and to assist in mending broken places.
- Say YES to reading new ideas and to writing responses to them.
- Say YES when they encounter opportunities to offer hospitality.
- Say NO to toxic secrets, to behavior that judges or excludes others.
- Say NO to religious teachings that limit their capacities for generosity and for freedom.
- Say NO to anything that will potentially delay their formal education no matter how appealing or adventurous the idea may be.
- Say NO to those who disrespect them or encourage them to treat the adults around them with anything less than utmost respect and close-to-perfectly good manners.
- Say NO to those who dismiss their ideas and who treat them as a means toward their disclosed or undisclosed ends.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, Grace |
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January 18, 2018
by Rod Smith
With the opening of the new school year
Things to know about your teachers
Your teachers are on your side even if it feels otherwise. People enter the profession to support, not oppose, students
Teachers want completed work to reflect commitment, love, and care.
Teachers want things done on time. Their deadlines are carefully considered and are often designed around giving you’re the optimum time to get things done well with love and care. If you treat your teachers’ assignments as a priority and do more than you are asked you will be amazed at how much everything about your school experience will improve. Not only will your marks improve; your good reputation will open unexpected doors for you.
Good teachers know that wasted time is exactly that and cannot be recovered. Be an asset to your teacher by behaving well and using classroom time well.
Fine teachers are more invested in you understanding material than they are in expecting you to meet the exact demands of an assignment. Successfully using a formula without understanding it is almost useless. Get to know what’s behind the formula. Counting words to meet the minimum requirement of a written exercise indicates that you want to get the assignment completed more than you want to write well.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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January 17, 2018
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Wednesday
The Genius of Powerful Leadership
• Is not that you, the leader, gets your way. It is that those whom you lead discover their own skills, talents, and beauty and, as a result of your style, they are willing to apply their cache of potential to your mutually declared goals.
• Is not that you, the leader, are recognized. It is that those whom you lead are empowered and sufficiently “free” to make their own mark on your mutually declared goals and are positioned to receive appropriate credit.
• Is not that you, the leader, are the one with all the brilliant ideas. It is that you have created a context where the development and exchange of ideas is a way of life and your shared brilliance becomes difficult to pin on one lone genius or a singular heroic leader.
• Is not that you, the appointed or official leader, lead at everything. You understand that your ability to lead meshes with your ability to follow. You get out of the way, you assist, you encourage those who are better equipped at any task to assume the awe-filled position of leader when it is necessary.
• It is that you, the leader, know that how you handle yourself is pivotal, and far more important to your success than how you handle your charges.
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January 17, 2018
by Rod Smith
It has struck me time and again how the genius within some of the children and youth I encounter will probably never be unearthed. So much is done for them, so much is given to them, so much focussed parenting, there’s no hunger (I don’t mean food) to be satisfied. If you want your child to discover and develop and use his or her latent genius you may want to:
- Stop solving every issue that comes his way for him. Lasting lessons are learned and skills are developed when children have real problems to solve.
- Allow “clean pain” – the kind that comes with growing up, making mistakes, and trying new things.
- Get out of the way so she can really explore new territories of thought and experience. It’s very likely your daughter will go “beyond” you and the earlier it starts, the better. Provide the platform; allow her to write the script.
- Allow him to be as different and unusual as he wants. “Well-balanced” and well-rounded” people who “fit in” are very unlikely to do great things or at least discover new things. If you see your son being “sharp-edged” and investing a lot of time in a singular area of interest you may have a budding genius on your hands.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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January 15, 2018
by Rod Smith
“Today is the 1st anniversary of discovering that my lady friend had been having an affair over the previous month with a fast-talking operator who is half my age. She told me it was over, a mere a flash in the pan for which she felt neither remorse nor regret.
“The revelation was devastating and reduced me to an emotional wreck. Over the next two months I was almost suicidal and had to seek professional help. I still loved her; I attempted to recover with the assistance of a therapist and researched depression and heartbreak. I lurched from one temporary separation to the next but was always so pleased to reconcile that it seemed the hurt was receding. That was until the next crisis surfaced.
“Then I read your column on forgiveness and experienced a wonderful epiphany. Suddenly I realized that I was punishing myself for actions for which I was not responsible. A huge cloud lifted and healing began. Today, a year later, I have absolutely no painful memories of the incident, feel rejuvenated and bear no resentments.
Thank you so much for your advice.”
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Grace, Grief, Love, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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January 14, 2018
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Wednesday
The points of a Brave Parent
Please join me in reading this to your children…. / kindly add your own to the list….
When I say I love you, despite my many failings, I want you to know what I really mean:
1. I will seek your highest good even if it causes you necessary pain.
2. I will do all I can to encourage you in pursuing your God-given freedoms.
3. I will treasure your gifts, skills, aspirations, and get out of your way so you may achieve them.
4. I will get “in your face” and in your way if it appears you are willing to waste your potential.
5. I will support your desire for education and apply my efforts to help you secure it.
6. I will unconditionally love your friends as if they were treasured family.
7. I will resist any semblance of laziness I detect within you and offer it no cooperation at all.
8. I will try not to over-protect you and therefore suggest you are incapable of being without me.
9. I will try not to under-protect you and therefore leave you vulnerable for challenges that, at this point in your young life, you are yet unprepared to face.
10. I will listen to you, yet constantly remind you that it is more important that you listen to me.
11. I will show you how I interact with God and invite you to participate and ask you to give thoughtful respect towards my tradition. (Wes Whitesell)
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January 12, 2018
by Rod Smith
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January 10, 2018
by Rod Smith
- You may not be able to think about anything because such news can be like a powerful anesthetic. Do not be surprised if you feel dizzy and your thoughts and feelings jump around inside you. This may last for a while. You will settle into the new truth about your life and new routines.
- Your parents will probably tell you they still love you and each other. Try to believe it. This can be very confusing. Parents can often forget they are finishing something they started as adults. They’ve had lives without each other before you came along. It can feel like you are losing everything because you’ve never known life to be any other way. For you love, security, and feeling safe are all wrapped in one package. The package always included both parents. Their change shifts everything about your life.
- Now that you’ve been told, don’t be surprised if you think you are the only one who did not know it was coming. Your world is the only one you know. This was how you thought life was supposed to be.
- Many young people create successful lives even though their parents divorced. Decide to do the same.
*Written to 13 and 14 year old
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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January 10, 2018
by Rod Smith
- Please, say please, thanks, and thank you in every interaction.
- Make eye contact with everyone you meet.
- Resist multitasking when you are talking to people – even if you’re talking on the phone.
- Return calls and text messages. Don’t ignore people.
- Apologize when an apology is necessary and don’t do it just for show.
- Don’t drop sales people or estate agents who have helped you without announcement or explanation.
- Be nice to all people even if you don’t get what you want from them and even if they are unpleasant to you. Your behavior always reflects on you no matter what the context.
- Open doors for people. You are very unlikely to lose by helping someone else win.
- Stand back – let others go ahead of you.
- Listen very well; assume nothing; people everywhere are struggling with something or with other people. Your listening ear may become a lifeline to a total stranger.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships |
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January 9, 2018
by Rod Smith
I cashed in frequent traveller awards and sent son (19) to Northern Ireland for ten days. This is third solo international trip. He handles it like the seasoned traveller he is. We’ve made it practice not to communicate much when we’re apart. I recall the tension I knew as a younger man knowing my parents were waiting to hear from me and so we shelved that expectation years ago. He knows how to find me if he needs me and I can track him in an instant if necessary.
While he has been away the weather has somewhat dictated that my younger son (15) and I spend quite a lot of time together cooped up in a snow-bound house. With the one so very close and the other so far away, I have enjoyed this brief, concentrated time.
I’ve learned:
Even cool, tall, and tough fifteen-year-old basketball players enjoy being the only young man in the house, sometimes. We haven’t talked that much, but quietness and togetherness has its own rewards. It’s been beautiful.
The boys get what they need no matter where they are – with or without me.
“I love it here, dad, but I can’t wait to get home,” is a message he just sent from Belfast.
The airport run tonight will be a joy.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Trust, Voice |
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