February 26, 2017
by Rod Smith
A conversation means we both speak. You speak, I listen; I speak, you listen. We take turns. We build on what each of us has said. We ask questions related to content already shared. It’s really quite simple.
Appearing to listen while you are really waiting to speak is not listening.
The split-second you decide you know what I am going to say or think you have heard it all before is when you stopped hearing.
When I am talking and your eye contact is with your phone you are not listening. And, no, this is not the new form of multitasking. Listening takes focus and respect.
When I tell you something, respond to what I have said. Following what I’ve said with your bigger, better story, related or unrelated, reduces conversations to competitions.
Unless you are genuinely affirming people we both know I’d suggest we leave all others out of our conversation.
Our routine one-liners and well-worn war stories serve as shields. If we are really going to talk we either have to get them out of the way early on in our dialogue or we have to agree to focus on content neither of us has shared with each other before.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Voice |
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April 24, 2013
by Rod Smith
A man responds to the column of April 22, 2013 about being a stepfather…..
“You are correct. You will never replace you step children’s father. The children did not ask for the divorce or for you to be in their lives. Their mother will never put you ahead of her children, nor should she.”
I hear often that a mother will never place the new husband (in fact even the children’s father) before the children.
This is often touted as “good mothering.” While no counselor would suggest a parent ought to neglect children, there is a distinct difference between being a parent and a partner. It is a very healthy parent who exercises the difference.
There are conditions under which it is a healthy for parents to allow their primary commitment as a spouse to take priority over their commitments as a parent. Yes, you read correctly!
Just as it is a travesty to neglect a child, it is also a travesty to neglect a spouse, especially in the name of “putting the children first.”
I’ve seen parents hide behind “putting the children first” as a means to avoid the bravery required to be a full and functioning partner.
Sometimes it’s good for children to be in second, even third, or fourth place!
Posted in Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Family Systems Theory, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice |
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July 17, 2012
by Rod Smith
Is found in our connection with others (a connection sufficiently powerful so that we are not alone) and can therefore give and receive strength to and from each other. It is yet separate enough so that we not drain each other of the adventure of being unique and distinct beings. This is one of the greatest blessings accompanying our humanity and, when it fails, it becomes the source of exceedingly powerful pain.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Living together, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Single parenting, Space, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 14, 2012
by Rod Smith
1. You experience greater OBJECTIVITY and can “see” your most important relationships as if looking at them through someone else’s eyes.
2. Despite any pain, any trauma, any uncertainty, you can see some HUMOUR in what you are experiencing even if it is short lived.
3. You are progressively gathering a small community of friends who know everything (or almost everything) about you and their SUPPORT is becoming easier to trust.
4. You are seeing with greater and greater CLARITY what are and what are not your responsibilities within your most important relationships.
5.”No” comes easier and it is not accompanied by guilt. “Yes” is your response when you really want what you agree to. You begin to BELIEVE the words you say. Your words reflect you, your desires, and are not said from guilt or the impulse to keep the peace or make others happy.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 13, 2012
by Rod Smith
Love and control cannot co-exist in the same relationship anymore than light and dark can exist together in the same space at the same time.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Pornography, Responsive people, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 12, 2012
by Rod Smith
There is no good reason ever why any person ought tolerate poor treatment from another.
You teach people how to treat you.
I know you may feel trapped and without an escape route or a friend in the world, but you must get help if this post is reaching deeply into you.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sexual abuse, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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June 19, 2012
by Rod Smith
“You and Me” will be a little different today. You have three invitations:
1. Please send me the names of the 10 books you believe every English speaking child should read by the time he or she is 15. Please don’t refer me to website. I want your personal list of essential children’s and young adult literature. Kindly indicate “m” of “f” if necessary. Skip Potter, “Vampire” books, and anything with Chicken Soup in the title.
2. I received this yesterday from Kayise Maphalala, producer of Three Talk, SABC Television. If interested please contact Kayise at kayisem@urbanbrew.co.za:
“Three Talk is doing a show on forgiveness and one of the areas we would like to also look at is forgiveness in relationships. Would you be so kind as to recommend a couple who has gone through a difficult patch to come in and talk about the importance of forgiveness. This is for a show next to be aired on Tuesday, 26th June 2012.”
3. I have “pushed” Passionate Marriage (David Schnarch) and Failure of Nerve (Edwin Friedman) for years as the best books on (respectively) relationships and leadership. What books am a missing on these two topics? Please send me your suggestions. It is summer in the USA. I have vast amounts of time (I am on three months leave) for reading.
Posted in Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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July 1, 2011
by Rod Smith
1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.
2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).
3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.
4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.
5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.
6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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June 30, 2011
by Rod Smith
It is within my power (albeit limited) to make this an extraordinary day, to be followed by an extraordinary weekend.
I have the ability required (albeit limited) to be a loving, kind, firm, and responsible member of my family, my neighborhood, and my city.
I know how to serve others – and I will do so with a thankful heart.
I know how to listen to others – and I will do so with an attentive ear.
I know how to live a generous life – and I will give and help relieve the suffering of others.
Today, and this weekend, all people in my circle of influence will be better off for knowing me.
Children will get my ear.
The elderly will get my time.
Persons within my most intimate circle will get both.
I will not complain about anything. I will not pick on people. I will not focus on what is wrong with the world, but will try to be part of the healing it so desperately needs. I will live today, and this weekend, with a deep sense of gratitude, paying careful attention to the beauty and the vibrancy of life everywhere.
Posted in Differentiation, Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Voice |
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June 29, 2011
by Rod Smith
Addictions and addicts are swamped in denial.
The use of any substance or participation in any behavior is a problem (an addiction) for you if one of the following is true for you.
As a result of the use of a substance or engagement in a behavior:
- You’ve lost, or come close to losing, a significant relationship or a job.
- You’ve had a run in with the law.
- Your children are unsettled by your activities.
- You have physical cravings when you have been without it for a few minutes or a few days.
- You violate your values, or appear to have no values, to sustain your activity.
- You build your life around something people who love you wish you wouldn’t consume or do.
- Your life – finances, faith, and relationships – has become progressively unmanageable.
- You hide or you lie about your whereabouts and/or behavior.
- People who love you are put “on duty” and you expect them to lie for you.
- People, especially those you love, are embarrassed by your behavior.
- You hate a list like this list and hope certain people won’t see it.
- When confronted with this list you argue about definitions, display anger or rage, or write the writer off as an idiot.
Please, get help, AA, AL-ANON, and similar organizations are able to assist you. You do not have to live like this!
Posted in Addictions, Anxiety, Boundaries, Education, Victims, Voice |
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