June 29, 2008
by Rod Smith
“Horse and carriage” drives within you: deny either at your own peril…
A is for Autonomy: a powerful instinctual longing within you. It’s the desire to be self-directed and separate. It is the “you” who wants to be free of all responsibilities. It is the “you” that fears absorption; the “you” who wants to let your hair blow in the wind, feel the sun on your back and go! It’s the lone-ranger and pioneer spirit within you. This desire is God-breathed, God-inspired and a necessary part of your growth. This need can be met, not by irresponsibly severing ties, but through regularly finding time to be alone.
I is for Intimacy: a powerful instinctual longing within you. It is the desire to nest. It is the “you” who wants to belong, be known, to be part of a family. It is the “you” who fears abandonment and longs for a shared journey. This is the part of you that longs for the sounds, symbols and reality of a shared life. This desire is God-breathed, God-inspired and a necessary part of your survival and growth. This need is met through regularly spending time in a loving family or community.
A with I = Emotional Health
A without I = Selfish Avoidance
I without A = Selfish Indulgence
Posted in Communication, Voice |
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June 19, 2008
by Rod Smith
None of the conditions has to be ever-present to count. Even abusive relationships are sometimes trauma and pain-free. Believing the “good times” excuses the “bad times” is an error. The presence of ONE of the following means you could benefit from immediate help.
1. Are you secretive about your relationship so no one really knows what you are enduring?
2. Do you feel as if you have no room to move? You do not want to get any closer but you have no idea how to get out.
3. Are you afraid? Your life is unpredictable, oscillating between extremes.
4. Are you hiding, avoiding friends and family? It feels as if this person has control of your life and destiny.
5. Do you feel that love hardly resembles love, trust does not feel like trust, and truth is not truth? You’ve lost your relationship compass.
6. Are you subjected to sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional activity you do not want?
7. He/She says he/she loves you yet restricts you from talking to others.
8. He/she hides or steals your car or house keys, takes or withholds money, refuses to let you use the telephone, or reads your mail without your permission?
Posted in Communication, Voice |
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June 17, 2008
by Rod Smith
A READER WRITES….
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“I’ve just ended a 6 year affair with a married man. I lost my husband tragically the year before I met ‘V’. He befriended me and made me feel ‘whole’ again and about 6 months down the line, the affair started. I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years – there were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about, the sex was unbelievable and after a while, we became soul-mates.
“The world couldn’t have been a better place. I was so in love with him and seemingly he was with me. He told me he never slept with his wife, that she was not ‘interested’ and in the last year, he told me that they had separated when he bought her a home at the coast. This was a good sign, I thought, and he would be on his way to divorce his wife finally.
“My pain and hurt of being betrayed and used all these years. I’m very angry with him because when it came to the crunch, when I kept on confronting him about the divorce, he kept on telling me he was on the verge of doing it. I finally ended it last week – I’m devastated but I know I did the right thing. All those years of waiting for a text message or a phone call or a visit from him – all those Saturday nights, Christmases and special holidays sitting at home tormenting myself because he was at home with his wife and family. He was a good liar – convinced me of so many things, made promises every day, told me he loved me every day of the 6 years I was in the relationship with him.
“I phoned his wife eventually and told her – she was shocked to hear that her hubby would even be capable of having an affair and then I realised that all he had told me was in fact a huge lie. If I could give anyone any advice, is stay away from married men – it only leads to huge pain for everyone involved. Whilst you are in the middle of the affair, it’s seems too good to be true, and that’s because it is! I’m very sad about the loss of a love that I had – I was in love with someone who turned out to be a charlatan, a deceitful, compulsive liar. I’m going to get back on my feet and start to live my life, stop wasting my precious hours and days crying over a man who has hurt me so much.”
Posted in Affairs, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
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June 12, 2008
by Rod Smith
“I am married and have a situation at work. A colleague, who works directly for me, is friendly with me and she keeps saying that does not want to be intimate but shows me many signs like allowing me to see the color of her underwear. She says she needs a hug and frequently and lets me put my hands in her pants in the back only. She is also married. Please help.”
As you are in a supervisory position, you carry the greater responsibility. If this ridiculously immature and hurtful behavior is exposed, she will likely cry victim. You, as the one higher up the company hierarchy, will be held responsible, even if it is behavior initiated by the woman.
Work aside, you stand to lose all you have with your wife and your children in exchange for something so shallow and meaningless.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
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June 12, 2008
by Rod Smith
“My husband of 28 years retired in 2003. After a trip to help my parents I got back to a vacant eyed alien who wouldn’t let me sleep in my own bed. ‘I love you but I am not in love with you,’ he said. We attended ‘his’ mediation sessions because he didn’t like ‘my’ counselors. He set me up masterfully. Making me think he was working on the relationship while seeing lawyers. Asking me on dates while arranging with his ‘friend’ to move in. Telling me he would always take care of me when he could care less about my health. I gave up my career to follow him around the world. We had 15 moves in 25 years. My son attended 8 different schools. I am used up. I have back problems and bad knees because of course he was never around when it was time to move. I’m 55, too old to sing and dance and he throws me away. He’s a big-shot pundit on TV now but he is just like every other unimaginative man when it comes to dumping his wife. ‘I love you, I’m just not in love with you anymore.’” (Edited to 200 words)
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
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June 11, 2008
by Rod Smith
We are “just friends” is often the defense used by men and woman who are on the verge of an affair, or at least a liaison that will be hurtful to a spouse. We “just work together,” says the woman to her husband about a co-worker who gets all of her attention even on weekends. “She’s just work-friend,” says the man to his wife regarding the woman who sends him text messages every day.
You are not “just friends” if:
1. You spend more time and energy with this person than you do with other friends.
2. You share conversations at a more intimate level with this person than you do with your spouse.
3. You spend more time and energy thinking of this person and his or her problems than you do the issues you face with your own family,
4. You exclude other friends, or cannot invite your spouse to join you to also be “just friends” with this person.
5. Any part of being “just friends” requires secrecy or deception (like hiding sms messages, having secret cell phones or cell phone numbers, hiding letters, the need to delete emails, or needing to leave the room to talk).
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice |
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June 7, 2008
by Rod Smith
“People often feel it’s acceptable for men and women to develop platonic, non-romantic, non-sexual relationships with people they are attracted to as a friend. I’m not saying that having a friend of the opposite sex is wrong, but it can be dangerous. We are creatures of nature and run toward those who bring us comfort, joy, love and satisfaction. I’ve seen all to often where a wife will slip out on her husband and he would never know. My neighbor’s wife, a beautiful woman had everything going for her, but she would always make these advances toward me, and was serious about them. Had I not been married and if I did not have spiritual values I would have given in because ultimately that is human nature. I would see her with him, she would be a different person rarely speaking to me, When he’s away she’s a flirt without letup.”
You have not “given in” to the advances of your neighbor because you have a clear understanding of who you. Your neighbor’s confusion doesn’t rub off on you. Your strong boundaries have saved you from unnecessary, and inevitably painful, conflict.
Posted in Voice |
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June 5, 2008
by Rod Smith
When a friendship is not going well, and a good discussion and reconciliation is necessary, passive-aggressive behavior can seep into a relationship. It is not always easy to identify. Here are some indicators. Find the behavior in yourself before you go looking for it in others…
1. You are spending less time with someone who is important to you without admitting that there is something wrong, or while openly suggesting that everything is all right.
2. You are using double-edged comments to or about this person. On the surface you appear to be giving a compliment while you are really delivering a jab or an insult.
3. You speak ill of this friend to a third party, or you speak only in glowing terms about him or her, in order to give others the impression that nothing has changed.
4. You find yourself over-committing to work or social events to make less time available to see this friend.
5. You are deliberately doing what you know this friend does not like (smoking in his or her company, arriving late, becoming uncharacteristically elusive).
6. You just happen to leave him or her off your invitation list.
7. Your head is full of what you think he or she has done, or not done, to you, and resentment and bitterness creeps into your thinking.
Posted in Communication, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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June 1, 2008
by Rod Smith
“You often mention ‘forgiving’ or ‘forgiveness.’ Is this blanket advice even to follow when the person who has perpetrated the wrong has not apologized or asked for forgiveness. If you forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness, are you then not letting that person get away with their bad behaviour and thus not putting a boundary in place? Surely the person will repeat the behaviour if they have not requested forgiveness?”
I do encourage people to forgive and sometimes include “even before it is asked of you” and “forgive, but don’t forget.” The act of forgiving is essentially for the person offering the forgiveness, and not one receiving it. When I forgive you for a real or perceived wrong against me, I am doing something good for my inner being. I am acting in a manner that extinguishes the emotional toxicity from within me. That you too are made free is a mere byproduct of mutual benefit.
Wanting another to ask (or beg, or plead) for forgiveness is to be somewhat punitive, which lacks the essence of authentic forgiveness. That I am able to forgive you and not allow myself to be similarly hurt by you in the future is where “forgive but don’t forget” comes into play.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Forgiveness, Victims, Voice |
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May 10, 2008
by Rod Smith
This evening I shall address a Mothers Day Banquet with a difference from what is usually anticipated at such events: every mother attending has already made the tough decision to allow, through adoption, another person to parent her baby. I am expecting a peaceful and somber gathering of women who rest at night knowing their children are safe in the loving, protective care of men and women who have longed for parenthood.
In the light of this, and in the light of the focus that will be on mothering this weekend (at least in Western and English speaking countries), here are 5 challenges for all who have the joy of parenting:
1. Do you articulate what you believe about parenting to some disinterested person who is able to assess how you are doing as a mom or dad?
2. Do you stop and think about your style of parenting, or are your caught in the treadmill of activity offering you little or no time to reflect?
3. Do you take time to acknowledge the successes of your own parents in forming a backdrop to your success as a parent?
4. Do you regularly affirm your spouse, or the role of other adults in helping you with the awesome responsibilities of parenting?
5. Do you affirm your children when they do well and correct your children when correction is appropriate?
Posted in Communication, Voice |
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