June 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I seek help for my parents who live in New Zealand. I have ticked all the items from your article on 2006/05/18 about spousal abuse on my mother’s behalf but both are in dire need of immediate help. They have been married for 32 years and I have grown up seeing my father mistreat and disrespect my mother. She thinks about leaving him all the time but says she doesn’t know stops her. My father gambles their savings and he’s an alcoholic who blames my mother for his failures. It’s almost as though my mother has become comfortable with being uncomfortable all her married life. As they are getting older, I fear more and more about their safety and I want to help them. Can you help me help them at all?”
Rod responds: After 32 years they are “in dire need of immediate help.” I don’t think so. They have danced this way for so long you can be sure nothing will change because anyone of us writes of says anything. Until your mother sees something about her behavior that must change, things will stay the same. Regard yourself as powerless over your parents’ marriage. The sooner you do this, the sooner one of them might get some helpful help.
Posted in Victims |
Leave a Comment »
June 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My fiancé has anger problems and it got so bad that he threatened to beat me. He says he is not physically abusive but the verbal threats scare me enough. He blames me, saying I provoke him and if I do, I don’t know how I am doing it. He gets angry even at the baby sometimes. I have got myself into a bad situation because I’m financially dependent on him and we have a baby together. He is so sweet and, boom he changes with outbursts of rage. I love him and then I’m scared of him. I try to trust God that he will show me what to do, but anxiety and depression get in the way of seeing things clearly. I pray and still find no peace.
Rod Responds: This is not about love, but safety. Please read Anna Quindlin’s book entitled “Black and Blue” and do whatever you can to remove yourself, and your baby, from this dangerous situation. You, no matter what you do, cannot provoke him to abusive acts. His anger is HIS responsibility. Please do not marry this man. Marrying him will solve nothing but only allow him even more control of over you and your life.
Posted in Victims, Violence, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
May 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
Chime in, please...
1. Set career, academic, and health goals for yourself, and then work hard to achieve them.
2. Develop a network of diverse and supportive friends both on your own and with your wife.
3. Challenge your wife to be a mutual, respectful, and equal partner in every aspect of your relationship. If you have an urge to be in charge and think being in charge makes you more of a man, seek professional help.
4. Resist any forms of intimacy you or your wife find uncomfortable.
5. Believe in your wife’s honesty and integrity by refusing to lie or cover for her no matter how seemingly justifiable the lie or a cover-up might be.
6. Applaud and support your wife’s desire and her attempts to be close to her extended family.
7. Talk to your wife about what you see, think, and feel regarding matters that are important to you, and offer her opportunities to do the same with you.
8. Resist “shutting down” or playing the silent game or the “hurt puppy” when you do not get what you want.
9. Take full responsibility for your children by spending large blocks of time (three-day weekends) with your children. Do not recruit any help from you wife or extended family to do this.
10. Be as interdependent as possible. Find fulfillment both within your marriage as a husband, and as an individual. Enjoy being husband and dad without losing your capacity to enjoy life outside of each of these wonderful roles.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
16 Comments »
May 5, 2007
by Rod Smith
“After several years of living on my own I’ve been living with my partner for the past nine months. Things are going well most of the time but there seems to be a little problem that arises from time to time that I am getting concerned about. If a problem arises at work, he rehashes and he vents to me for longer than I think he should. He gets back to normal after a couple of hours of venting over something I did not cause. The anger and the long discussions are not a positive. I realize that venting is good if you have to but is it reasonable for me have to be the one who gets all this negative outpouring? Maybe he needs to talk to someone else about the issue. The tension isn’t good for us. Why do I have to take this when he really should be talking to whomever the issue is about. This is really bothering me.” (Letter required much editing)
Rod’s response: I gather that your partner sees you as a sounding board for his frustrations at work but cannot tell when his venting becomes hurtful. It would be quite reasonable were you to refuse to listen to him about his work-related issues. Tell him to talk directly with persons associated with his work-related problems.
Posted in Anger, Meditation, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence |
3 Comments »
April 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
I have had a number of letters about “living together.” With a few edits, here is a column published some years ago….
First, as adults, you can do whatever you both decide. But “living together” is deceptive for both persons. There is no commitment even if you say there is. Commitment is making vows in the presence of witnesses and signing a legal, marriage contact. When either of you can “walk” without legal consequence – there is no commitment.
Try buying a house using the same approach. Tell the bank manager (mortgage company) you want to know if you and the house “click,” are compatible. Tell him you love the house and are very committed. Then tell him you are not ready to sign. The obvious will happen: no signature on a contract, no bond (mortgage) on a house in your name.
Living together is no “trial run” on marriage any more than baby-sitting is the same as rearing a child. If you are not ready for marriage, you are not ready. Living together will not make you ready, nor will it tell you what marriage will be like. People who are willing to live together, even by mutual agreement, offer each other no security – which hardly sounds like love!
Write to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Trust, Victims |
2 Comments »
April 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My elderly mother, who has a nice home and everything she needs, is very unkind to me. Sometimes she is cruel and uses a lot of guilt to keep me visiting her. I am in my forties and would prefer not to see her. What do you suggest I do? (Situation abbreviated from longer letter)
Rod Response: There is no good reason to tolerate cruelty from anyone source – not even your mother. If you cannot do it face-to-face, tell her in a brief letter that you will visit her on condition that she keeps the rule of regarding you with utmost respect and kindness.
When, and if, you decide to visit, make a polite exit the very moment she engages in unacceptable behavior.
While your mother is elderly, she is yet highly functional in so many areas of her life, and therefore also capable of monitoring her unacceptable behavior. Allowing your mother to inflict abusive behavior upon you is honoring to neither of you. Remember, a person cannot get rid of behavior that he or she continues to feed.
Contact: Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or http://www.DifficultRelationships.com
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Space, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
1 Comment »
April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
(Please note not all difficult relationships are necessarily also toxic)
Toxic (poisoned) relationships are tiring to say the least. Apart from requiring mounds of energy, they can be filled with threats, unnecessary silence, manipulation, domination and intimidation. Toxic couples often attempt to drown their pain in drinking, drugs and lustful, or vengeful, sexual activity.
Toxicity is apparent when “old” arguments frequently resurface, feelings of loyalty and disloyalty rage within you, anger seems to come from nowhere and you have a very short fuse. Life feels like a giant game of chess that’s impossible to win.
Often toxic relationships start with intensely sexual experiences. A new person seemingly offers you everything you ever wanted and so you quickly invest yourself completely. After a short while it feels as if you have been handed a script where the entrances and exits are seldom within your power. You feel as if you an unwilling actor in someone else’s play.
Remember there are always more options available for your life than it might appear.
Problems play hide-and-seek before they become full-blown and begin to make life unmanageable. It is helpful to identify some of these issues before they become a debilitating.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
7 Comments »
April 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My parents were very happily married and did everything together. My mom and dad would never go anywhere without the other. I know times have changed and every marriage is unique and I know my husband is not the same as my father, but he (my husband) thinks nothing of planning short golf trips with his friends at least three times a year. He usually encourages me to do some kind of similar trip with my friends. Apart from his involvement in sport, which takes up so much time, I think we are very happy. Please comment.” (Letter edited)
I’d suggest you offer your husband all the support possible in order that he may freely pursue his golf and his friends. Find an absorbing interest of your own so that when he is away and playing golf, you do not place your life on hold.
The greater your genuine ease with your husband’s interests, the less likely it is that these interests will be a point of stress for each of you in your marriage. I should think that a golf course would be a very attractive sanctuary of peace and tranquility if it also must become a necessary escape from a difficult spouse!
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Forgiveness, Victims |
1 Comment »
April 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:
1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
19 Comments »
difficultrelationships.com 