October 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I am married and have three teenage sons. We are compatible, except in one area that threatens everything. I don’t drink at all and don’t like social situations where there is too much drinking or being around drunk people. He enjoys a ‘party’ or having a few beers a couple of times a week. Very often a ‘few beers’ ends up being a ‘few beers’ too many. When he has had too much to drink he often becomes argumentative and critical of me, and sometimes verbally abusive. I have tried to reason with him but nothing much changes. People say I should just accept it because there is so much else going for the marriage. He is a good provider and father and he is caring except for those occasions when drink is involved. But I am thinking perhaps I should leave the marriage, as the situation is never going to be amicably resolved. I am also concerned how the breakup of the marriage would affect my sons, but increasingly I feel I am in a trap that I don’t know how to get out of.” (Edited)
Your staying (in the marriage) or going (getting divorced) will impact your teenagers. Finding your voice, whether you stay or go, will have the greatest, lasting impact upon your sons. A voice-less mother, someone who resists challenging what causes herself and her family discomfort, might be more damaging than a father who has too many beers.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Love, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
5 Comments »
October 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader’s question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?
Rod’s answer: What an old, and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!
First: Compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use, and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards. Little will challenge your sex life as much as scrambling for money and blaming each other for the poor use of resources.
Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how he (or she) respects and appreciates his parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.
Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
September 30, 2007
by Rod Smith
Take Up Your Life
1. Are we spiritually, financially, psychologically, and emotionally, sufficiently suited to each other?
2. Do our long-held, individual, long-term, personal goals and personal dreams somewhat fit with each other?
3. What do we each imagine is possible for us to achieve (service to the poor, overseas travel, learning foreign languages, learning new skills) within this relationship and potential marriage?
4. How do we each perceive our individual and mutual responsibilities to our parents and extended families if we marry?
5. Which of us is better with money? If we marry, how will we organize our money? Will we keep everything separate or will we pool all our resources? How will we decide what we buy, how we buy, and when we buy expensive, but necessary items needed by a new family? Which professional will we choose to help us with the wise use of our resources?
[Do not enter a relationship with someone who is in excessive debt.]
6. What does each of us think about religious observance? How will we decide on where and how we will worship?
7. What help do you need from me in order that you may achieve all you have ever wanted to achieve with your life?
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Re-marriage, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Voice |
4 Comments »
September 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend annoys me. He is jealous and petty and he is moody. But my family loves him and so I stay with him. I did not realize this until I took a long hard look at what was keeping me with him. Now he is talking marriage and I am thinking things will get better. It didn’t start this way. He was more outdoor-ish, more adventurous and not at all jealous when we first started going out. Then things started to run down hill when the relationship got serious. I suppose he couldn’t pretend forever and now I am seeing the real person he is. Please help.”
Considering your family so loves him, perhaps there is another member of the family who’d like to pick up the relationship I hope you will soon terminate.
I’d suggest you do not continue to date someone because your family loves him or in the hopes things will improve once you marry.
Announce the end of the relationship directly to your moody man and then inform your family about what you have done.
Be sure you know what you want before you implement your plan. Families have an odd way of getting what families want, and I hope in your family’s case, it is not at your expense.
Posted in Attraction, Family, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
1 Comment »
August 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
“Is it possible to love you without also losing me?” expresses the inevitable tension every close relationship faces.
“Closeness” is not usually a problem for most couples. There is usually an abundance of closeness (being overly connected, intensely joined) resulting in couples being highly reactive to each other, and it is this very closeness and lack of definition between people, that, given some time, becomes uncomfortable for at least one member of the relationship.
Remaining unique, distinct and defined within the relationship is what allows healthy, freeing love to flourish.
If couples worked enduringly at remaining unique (it is never complete) and developed their separateness, while also being deeply involved in a committed relationship, then, I believe, there’d be less need to separate (“I need my space”) at a later time when the closeness inevitably feels claustrophobic and overwhelming.
Loving you is not love if the cost of loving you means losing the essence of who I am.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
8 Comments »
August 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have been together for almost 8 years and married for 3 and half of those years. He got a new job and wanted to start working out all the time to be more muscular. He also became very distant. If he was present physically he wasn’t mentally. I began suspecting something and he would get angry. I was to go on a ‘girl’s weekend’ and take our 16-month-old little boy and right before I left he told me we should separate. When I came back he said there was another girl. He said he was with her all weekend. They kissed and nothing else happened. He told me he regretted it, began crying and called her and told her they can’t talk any more. I could look into his eyes and knew it wasn’t over and he moved out for a night. The next morning he phoned and said he wanted to come home to his family. Did I make the right choice taking him back or should I make him leave so I can start my life over?” (Shortened)
While one would not condone his behavior – all three of you (husband, wife, son) have a lot of reasons to work at this. Get face-to-face professional help, please!
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Trust, Victims, Voice |
Leave a Comment »
August 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Stepchildren are not guests in the stepparents’ households but were usually there first. In the eyes of the stepchild, they are not at fault for the mess and were thrown into the disruption. Divorce is a selfish thing. However, this does not mean that they are allowed to run the house, but they need love and kindness from stepparents. I feel very unwelcome in my father’s house. I have not been allowed to have a good relationship with my father, although I have tried everything. I feel disrespected. Children really need to know that both of their parents support them. They need their stepparents to respect and support the (biological) relationship.
“A wise decision for a stepmother is to leave the discipline to the father for a time, until they have established a caring relationship with their stepchild. They need to know their stepparent will allow them to feel comfortable as part of the family and not be excluded because they are not their children. They need to be careful to not come between the child and her biological parent. They need to realize that the child just wants to feel loved and cared for by all. This requires a lot of patience and understanding.” (Edited for space)
Posted in Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Trust, Victims |
2 Comments »
August 13, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. It is addictive and temporarily eases pain from deeply felt sexual inadequacies. Like all addictions, it constantly requires more, stronger, harsher forms to be “satisfied.”
2. It is seductive, helping you avoid your sexual/relational immaturity.
3. The woman (or man) on the page or in the movie, combined with what the images stimulated in your head, will ultimately outperform the flesh-and-blood person who loves you and sever your authentic connection to intimate others.
4. It demonstrates your lack of respect for yourself and others.
5. It helps you to copout from facing the challenge of loving the real people. “Relating” to porn is easy: the images, unlike real people, don’t talk back; don’t express opinions, needs, wants, or feelings – the very essence of authentic love.
6. “Everybody does it” is neither true for helpful. Do not expect your partner to participate in sex if you use porn as a “warm up.” This is most degrading for everyone.
7. Pornography can be as damaging as an extramarital affair. Meeting “someone” in your head can be as damaging to a marriage as secret meetings with a stranger.
8. Pornography makes it “all about you,” feeding the narcissistic tendencies lurking within you. It is the antithesis of love and does nothing to serve it.
Posted in Victims, Voice |
11 Comments »
August 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Our daughter has now been married for three years to her second husband. The marriage has broken down horribly. After one counseling session he refuses to go again. He is totally absorbed in his work, sometimes doesn’t even go to bed at night. He verbally abuses and finds fault with everything our daughter says or does while she is desperately trying to make the marriage work. We have seen a dramatic change in him for the worst. He barely shows any interest in the children or the goings on in the household. Our daughter shares her heartache with us. The children are even feeling the stress in the home. My question: How can we help and how far can we get involved? Up until now we just listen but have not interfered. As parents are deeply religious and we pray every day that a miracle will happen. We want it to work! We are desperate and feel so helpless.” (Edited)
Your son in law seems trapped; your daughter appears to have lost her voice. The miracle will be that both adults find their voice (regain their lives, their dreams) whether remaining married or not. Keep listening. Keep asking her: Is this what you want for you and your children? and What will it take to get what you need?
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Communication, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
5 Comments »
July 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My marriage is in deep trouble. I am really at my wits end to save it. In addition to some communication problems, my wife also indicated that she gets attracted to stable and successful men, but when she is in the relationship that stable environment smothers her and she wants to run. I do not dominate her and I support her with what ever she requires.”
You wife is sufficiently insightful to see the source of her issue is not you, her husband, but the presence you represent. Your presence (and success) triggers her desire to take flight from what she initially find desirable. Your challenge is to remain steadfast in your love and your commitment while remaining sufficiently separate (giving her “space”) all at the same time. This is not easy.
Your wife’s feelings emerge from a cavern deep inside her history and the ultra-complex psychology each of us brings to every relationship. I’d suggest you trigger, by your nearness, the uncomfortable memory of times she felt emotionally cornered, trapped, and powerless. Your wife needs space, not abandonment. She is insightful, and I hope sufficiently motivated to get through this, but you will be of no help if you try to push or maneuver the process.
Posted in Attraction, Love, Marriage, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
difficultrelationships.com 