November 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Your brief question leaves many unaddressed variables. That you desire sex might be considered a positive thing in the wake (no cheap pun intended) of your loss. Yet, if you have used sex in the past as an escape, rather than as a means to contributing to a mutual, respectful, and equal relationship, you will be furthering behavior that is ultimately destructive for you. Then, if you adhere to a faith tradition which precludes you from engaging in sex outside of marriage, you might find some short-term relief in sexual behavior, but you will ultimately self-inflict emotional and spiritual discord.
But I will assume you, an adult who has endured a significant loss, are understandably reaching out for love and affection.
Three things:
1. You are not betraying the deceased.
2. You and your faith tradition decide on when is acceptable to you to have sex (it is not up to anyone else).
3. You will take into account that sexual behavior is never purely recreational.
It is impossible to do something so profoundly intimate with your body that doesn’t also impact every other aspect of your emotional and spiritual life.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Listening, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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October 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I will not get in your way. You may work where you choose, worship where you choose, and have all the friends you need and want. If you want to further your education I will do all I can to support you. You are absolutely free and do not require my permission for anything. I know the trust that we have developed between us gives me the confidence to know that you will always choose well and wisely, and when and if you do not choose well and wisely, I know your unwise choices do not arise out of an intentional desire to damage yourself, our relationship, or me.”
“I, in turn, will not get in your way. I will create space for our mutual benefit, work hard for our mutual enrichment, and honor the respect the trust we have built up over the years we have known each other. While I know I do not require your permission to enlarge my life through developing my career, and by developing many meaningful friendships, or enjoying a life of discipline and worship, I will willingly use the freedom that is inherently mine for our continued and mutual benefit.”
“Lighthouse” – friend, and reader, develops the theme —: “I will not (covertly) get in your way. I will collaborate with you prior to committing significant time, money, emotional resources and/or physical effort to ensure that our expectations are aligned with our mutually beneficial goals. I will do what I say so your trust in me is earned. When we have not explicitly agreed something, my actions will honor our relationship nonetheless. I will encourage you to uphold your agreements and thank you for your efforts every day regardless of the results. I will engage when reality doesn’t match our expectations so we may learn from the experience, forgive those that failed to keep their word and forget the situation. I dedicate the time to talk with you because it is the exchange of such emotional intimacies that differentiates our deepening love from that of my love for family and friends.” (Thanks, “Lighthouse,” for your valuable and beautiful contribution)
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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June 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
Rod@TakeUpYourLife.com / 317 694 8669 (USA)
1.
Get over all your own issues about sex and talking about sex. In other words, get out from under your own childhood or adolescent embarrassments and move boldly into this arena as the adult you are. Your child will ferry MUCH of who you are into the future. Be sure it is worth ferrying.
2. Be the first to talk to your child about sex. Do not leave this large facet of your child’s life in the hands of the school, Hollywood, television, church, or other children. Your avoidance of this topic, when it is so prevalent in the culture, sends your child a confusing message. And, get over blaming Hollywood and current culture for the mess out there! This is a cop out. Be your child’s parent.
3. Rather than wait for some “big talk,” have many “small talks” about all manner of human matters. This will make a “big talk” unnecessary. I like to have on-going conversations about all sorts of things with sex being one of those many topics.
4. Don’t assume your child is a “blank slate” when it comes to matters of sex and relationships. Try to access what he or she already knows by allowing the conversation to take on a life of its own. Adults who “steer” conversations usually end up where the adult desires rather than where the child wants or needs to be.
5. Don’t trick or trap children into conversations. Parents trick or trap children and then wonder why children cease trusting parents.
6. Parents ought not to rely on “Spot had puppies” or “we visited a farm” to avoid warm and pointed talk about sex with their child. Animals have nothing to teach humans about human sexuality.
7. Parents who are guilt-ridden about sex and sexuality ought to work through their own hang-ups if they want their children to be less complicated than themselves. Married adults who cannot engage in meaningful conversations about sex are unlikely to be capable of helpful conversations about sex with their children. Talk with each other about this beautiful human gift without embarrassment, without trivializing its importance, or regarding it as taboo.
8. While it is often believed men should talk with sons and women with daughters about puberty and sexuality, both parents can do equally well in talking with both boys and girls.
9. Physical changes accompanying puberty ought not surprise children. Ideally many positive conversations will predate these changes for your child and therefore will be changes he or she knowledgeably expects and welcomes.
10. While physical changes might be “old hat” to other family members, the changes are likely to usher in a heightened sensitivity for the child. This journey ought not become a source of humor, teasing or belittling. Don’t announce Johnny’s “broken” voice or the hair on his upper lip. If you want a child to be willing to speak with you about important, private matters, respect the child long before such conversations become necessary.
11. Don’t be surprised when your carefree preadolescent, who has hardly closed a door in his life, wakes up one day and becomes Mr. Private, double locking doors everywhere he goes! The innocent child, who once gave no thought to running naked from the shower to his room, will probably stop this completely. He or she may also want you and other family members out of the room when he or she is dressing. Respect this without drawing attention to it.
12. Respect closed doors. The child who says he or she would rather not talk about matters of human sexuality ought to receive a secret gift of an age-appropriate book on the topic. Wrap it. Leave it for your child to find. Don’t pry.
13. Your child’s transition into adulthood, along the often-troubled road of adolescents, ought to be as guilt-free as possible. Almost all teenagers engage in regular, lone, sexual self-gratification. The heavy layers of guilt so frequently associated with such activity are, in my opinion, more damaging than the act could ever be. As a parent, do your part in alleviating potential for guilt.
14. Times have changed (or have they?): many young people think it is cool to be sexually active from a very young age, that oral sex is not sex, that everyone is bi-sexual to some degree,… that …. and on it goes. Read up. Hold your head up and parent your child to face confusing issues with confidence.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Schnarch, Sex education, Sex matters, Triangles |
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March 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
Since you know what you are lacking, try working with her to find what she is lacking. Women often don’t have the same high sexual needs as men but that she will want to reach an accommodation with you to enable a happy marriage to continue. Suggest that you want to explore with her what she needs from the relationship and to do that you will take off the pressure of sexual demands for three months while you try to do what she needs since she is what matters to you. Women often feel that they are simply sex objects and that their husbands don’t really ‘see’ them but simply want a convenient and regular sex partner. So woo her and listen to her. Work from what you know she likes and hear what she says about things she enjoys. The fact that you are a good father and provider does not re-assure her that you love her and will go to whatever lengths are necessary to convince her – you have to walk the talk.
Try to create the space (with your wife) for easy discussions about your combined dreams, fears, enjoyments, so that in time she will be able to confide in you what she hasn’t been enjoying about sex. If she wants a back rub don’t regard it as a prelude to sex, if she suggests a weekend at the Berg don’t regard it as a second honeymoon: it is simply time for shared enjoyment. Certainly if you have been pressuring her and insisting on sex when she just wants it over with that is something you don’t want to repeat. Women tend to lose interest in sex as they age, they may still enjoy it but could live without it much more easily than could most men. Don’t expect her to initiate sex even when you get to the point of resumed sex and always honour the fact that circumstances (a quarrel, worry, tiredness) may make her unavailable. There may be a physical problem, quite easily resolved once she has the confidence that you love her, which she will talk about if your exchanges of confidences have been sufficient for her to be re-assured.
Certainly it is not your wife alone, who would need counseling, but both of you together. It is perfectly possible that you can work this out without the need of outside help since you appear to once have had a successful sexual relationship. But remember, even when things improve, constant harping on sex, excessive fondling beyond what she happily responds to, and nagging about not getting enough, will continue to be a ‘put-off’ for any woman. Please be clear that I’m not suggesting she gets to do whatever she wants in return for giving sex. I am suggesting is a ‘ceasefire’ during which good communication is re-established after which a consensual balance of relative needs is established with open communication.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility |
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December 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Christians ought to be the most free, most fun loving, joyful people of all, and, when married, ought to be having the very best “wall-socket” (a David Schnarch term) sex on the planet.
Surely, knowing a creative God, being engaged in a dynamic relationship with the very Giver of life, the very source of joy – ought to translate every Christian marriage into a powerhouse of sexual joy and fulfillment?
It seems to me that “sexless” and “Christian marriage” – apart from very unusual circumstances, ought to be next to impossible to find – and an oxymoron if there was ever one. While, as a therapist I know this is not the case (for sexuality has become so very soiled for so very many people) it is not unreasonable to expect that people who claim to know and serve the Living God ought to enjoy and know the best sex and most powerful relationships God and life can offer.
Since equal, mutual, and respectful sex between a husband and wife is one physical representation of the love of God, sex between married Christians is in itself one of many acts of worship – at least with as much importance as reading the Bible or attending church, feeding the poor, or having a “Quiet Time.” Good, mutual, and respectful sex is one way to get closer to God and improve the spiritual dynamic of everyday living.
Posted in Attraction, Faith, Family, Friendship, Sex education, Sex matters, Voice |
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August 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
“Is it possible to love you without also losing me?” expresses the inevitable tension every close relationship faces.
“Closeness” is not usually a problem for most couples. There is usually an abundance of closeness (being overly connected, intensely joined) resulting in couples being highly reactive to each other, and it is this very closeness and lack of definition between people, that, given some time, becomes uncomfortable for at least one member of the relationship.
Remaining unique, distinct and defined within the relationship is what allows healthy, freeing love to flourish.
If couples worked enduringly at remaining unique (it is never complete) and developed their separateness, while also being deeply involved in a committed relationship, then, I believe, there’d be less need to separate (“I need my space”) at a later time when the closeness inevitably feels claustrophobic and overwhelming.
Loving you is not love if the cost of loving you means losing the essence of who I am.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
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July 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. The children’s wants are habitually placed ahead of the needs of the parents.
2. Day-to-day family decisions revolve around the children and their delicate moods and mood swings.
3. There is an anxious cloud hovering over the parents as the reason for being together is no longer love and commitment, but the creation of a perfect environment for children.
4. Adult conversations are next to impossible because the children interrupt conversations at will, or, in the children’s absence, the children’s developments and “sweetness” are the focus of every conversation.
5. Self-esteem is considered so fragile that the children are overly protected from the truth about his or her skills, talents and abilities.
6. One of the adults feels married to a parent and not to a partner.
7. The parents have given up all former hobbies and interests and focused all their energy upon the children.
8. The home’s décor is dominated by the children’s art and photographs, which, of course, is not in itself negative, but something is amiss when parents appear to have lost all perspective regarding the adult’s and children’s place in the larger context of life and life’s demands. Celebrating children is one thing; worshipping children is harmful.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Sex education |
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May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
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April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
(Please note not all difficult relationships are necessarily also toxic)
Toxic (poisoned) relationships are tiring to say the least. Apart from requiring mounds of energy, they can be filled with threats, unnecessary silence, manipulation, domination and intimidation. Toxic couples often attempt to drown their pain in drinking, drugs and lustful, or vengeful, sexual activity.
Toxicity is apparent when “old” arguments frequently resurface, feelings of loyalty and disloyalty rage within you, anger seems to come from nowhere and you have a very short fuse. Life feels like a giant game of chess that’s impossible to win.
Often toxic relationships start with intensely sexual experiences. A new person seemingly offers you everything you ever wanted and so you quickly invest yourself completely. After a short while it feels as if you have been handed a script where the entrances and exits are seldom within your power. You feel as if you an unwilling actor in someone else’s play.
Remember there are always more options available for your life than it might appear.
Problems play hide-and-seek before they become full-blown and begin to make life unmanageable. It is helpful to identify some of these issues before they become a debilitating.
Posted in Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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March 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …
- Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
- Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
- Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
- Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
- Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
- Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
- Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
- Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
- Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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