September 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
A reader writes…
“Many wives complain that their husbands expect them to be servants. The cause is, in my opinion, quite clear. Many mothers, including those in marriages not destroyed by divorce, run around their children (more so in the case of boys) to meet every request at the drop of a hat: picking up dirty clothes, running errands and being at their beck and call. This extends to mothers putting their own living standards aside so as not to upset their kids. I know this from many of my relationships (I’ve been divorced twice) and from comments from divorced friends. I have seen how the mothers place their kids on pedestals and the kids take full advantage. When ‘little Johnny’ marries he expects his wife to do the same. The sad part is once kids move the mother’s life has a huge hole and she feels shortchanged. I am pleased my son (19) is in the USA and has to sort his own life out.” (Minimally edited)
I’d suggest this dad is on the ball with his insight! Everyone benefits when children assume helpful roles in their families and develop healthy work ethics. Making “Johnny” clean his room at 12 may help him better love his wife at 40!
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Family |
2 Comments »
August 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
A note to parents…
Despite your best efforts at providing an encouraging and challenging environment for your children, your children will ultimately determine the degree of their success or failure as adults. Avoid the tendency to blame yourself for every problem your child faces: you are just not that powerful! Popular press will try to place almost all the blame at your door, when, in truth, your son or daughter has to make his own life productive. In the event he or she chooses not to do so, it is not the parent who ought to be blamed.
Of course there are awful parents. Of course there are absent dads. Drunken mothers. Yes. There are angry homes. Anxious environments. There are volatile, hell-homes where children are victimized, where a boy or girl would have great cause for blame. But most people do not live like this, and nonetheless, even from the worst of homes have emerged world leaders, artists, writers, teachers, nurses, and engineers.
Contrarily, I have seen parents dedicate their every waking hour to the care of their children only to have them emerge as anti-social, destructive adults.
Your children will turn out in a manner that far exceeds your capacity to parent. While offering your best, remain cognizant that your son or daughter’s future is primarily in his or her own hands.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Parenting/Children |
3 Comments »
July 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
My daughter (16) wants to spend the night on some weekends at her boyfriend’s (16) house. My husband is dead set against it and this causes a mini cold war in our house. Her boyfriend’s parents are very kind people who are very capable of supervising our daughter and their son – but it still makes my husband very uncomfortable. My husband is not the kind of man to express his views but expects me to be the go-between. What should we do? (Edited)
Your letter offers no indication of your opinion regarding your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend and his family. It is clear that you have become the appointed spokesperson. I’d suggest you remove yourself from the middle of this triangle and let your husband and daughter speak to each other about his concerns. Personally, I’d rather err on the side of trusting too much than err on the side of trusting too little.
Of paramount importance is that you keep lines of communication open between your daughter and you – and that will be next to impossible while you are an agent of your husband’s anxiety.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
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July 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. The children’s wants are habitually placed ahead of the needs of the parents.
2. Day-to-day family decisions revolve around the children and their delicate moods and mood swings.
3. There is an anxious cloud hovering over the parents as the reason for being together is no longer love and commitment, but the creation of a perfect environment for children.
4. Adult conversations are next to impossible because the children interrupt conversations at will, or, in the children’s absence, the children’s developments and “sweetness” are the focus of every conversation.
5. Self-esteem is considered so fragile that the children are overly protected from the truth about his or her skills, talents and abilities.
6. One of the adults feels married to a parent and not to a partner.
7. The parents have given up all former hobbies and interests and focused all their energy upon the children.
8. The home’s décor is dominated by the children’s art and photographs, which, of course, is not in itself negative, but something is amiss when parents appear to have lost all perspective regarding the adult’s and children’s place in the larger context of life and life’s demands. Celebrating children is one thing; worshipping children is harmful.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Sex education |
4 Comments »
June 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My second marriage did not withstand the pressures of blending a family. I recommend professional family counseling for all who try. The divorce rate amongst couples with children from previous marriages outpaces the horrendous rate of first time marriages.
“My stepson viewed me as the enemy. I represented the deathblow to his fantasy that somehow his parents would reconcile. Children very often feel as if the divorce was their fault, and, as irrational as that may be, it is what they feel. It’s important step-parents understand that the child is projecting all of the rage, fear, and heartbreak outwardly towards the new scapegoat.
“Many parents feel guilty about their divorces, and so have unhealthy boundaries with their children. They overcompensate, or do not expect enough. This creates fuel for a fire that is going to rage anyway. Anyone who has raised teenagers understands that this may be one of the most challenging times in the family life.
“As difficult as it may be to hear, blending families rarely works. If one has the option I would suggest separate living arrangements. It doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t continue, but I would remove myself from the dynamics of the parent/child/ex-spouse and regain a sense of self and peace.” (Edited for space)
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Stepfather, Stepmother |
3 Comments »
April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
When your child (13 to 15) becomes involved in his/her first romantic attachment, with a person of similar age, please remember:
1. The experience is authentic for your child, and, while you might consider it “puppy love” the relationship ought to be given due respect.
2. If you trivialize his or her experience by your words or your deeds (make jokes about it) your child will probably go into hiding about what he or she is experiencing. This will put you “out of the loop” completely.
3. Embrace your child’s romantic interests, and be willing to talk about them to the degree to which your child seems willing to talk.
4. It is quite common for a child to become very focused on the whereabouts and activities of the person of his or her romantic interest. If you allow no contact (by phone or Email) you are likely to drive the relationship underground, and therefore be teaching your child to conduct a most important part of his or her life in secret.
Evaluate your resistance to your son or daughter falling in love:
What is it that you fear?
Are your fears related to your own experience as a younger person?
Is your response reasonable or loaded with your own unresolved baggage?
Posted in Adolescence, Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
2 Comments »
February 26, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader Question: “My son is 19 failed his first semester of tech. He is very clever and has always been very popular and a great achiever. All this changed when he turned about 16. He became dark, and quiet and withdrawn. Round the same time be began smoking cigarettes and drinking socially with the odd binge. He now complains bitterly that he never has enough money. I feel like I am funding his habits. I buy him all his food and do his cooking, as he cannot manage the money properly. I have suggested he get a weekend job to subsidise his income. He will ask me how much I love him and then ask for cigarettes. I put my foot down last week, it resulted in a text message from him which was abusive and saying he would never be contacting me again for anything ever again. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Fundamental error: you’re working harder at your son’s life than he is. Of course you feel as if you are supporting his habits – you are. Cut ALL financial help. This is not easily done but you’d better do it soon. If you support his ugly ways they will only grow, and consume you, and all who love him.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Parenting/Children |
1 Comment »
February 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My partner and I live in a home we bought together in July 05, with her little girl of 9 at the time. A year later her 13 year old son, now 14 who has been living with his father for the last five years, asked if he could move in with us because he was failing school and wanted our help. What a mistake. He ADHD with what I would consider oppositional defiant behaviors. He passive aggressively challenges me when I call him on his nonsense. He stares at me as if I’m supposed to back down. This little terrorist has taken over home, is still failing at school and his mother has told me that she would move out instead of have him move back to his dad’s house. I asked her specifically before we moved if she would ever let him move in. She was adamant she would not. I should have never agreed to let this him move in. Kids like this will ruin a relationship in a heartbeat.”
Sir, you might have a whole lot more room to exercise your wishes if you were married to the child’s mother. Until then, the boy will have more say than you do. He needs help from you – not your defiant attitude.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Reactivity |
12 Comments »
January 26, 2007
by Rod Smith
My teenager —
1. …appears more invested building peer rather than parent relationships. I expect this. Healthy interdependence will not occur if separations are not practiced within primary relationships.
2. … faces change, opportunities, and forms of seduction I never faced. I expect some relational turbulence, questioning of values as my child finds appropriate footing in the adult world.
3. … appears more grown-up than my child is, so sometimes I will get the cold shoulder from a know-it-all. I’ll be kind and forthright when occurs. I will do all I can to avoid embarrassing my child to win control.
4. … may embrace friends other than those I would choose. I will welcome people until there is cause not to. When this happens I will be honest to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness.
5. … is a master of non-verbal communication so I will not to over-interpret what I see. I will ask for verbal clarification when necessary.
6. … wants a parent, not a buddy. My child wants to be cared for, and not have to care for me.
7. … probably feels uncomfortable talking with me about intimate matters. I will not allow discomfort to restrain me from being an involved parent regarding difficult matters.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Teenagers, Voice |
2 Comments »
January 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Parenting is no cakewalk. My children (8 and 4) are at an age where it seems everything is a battle of wills. If they are not fighting with each other over who is sitting in whose space at the table, or fighting over one toy that neither has noticed for months until the other happens to casually pick it up, they are debating me over the necessity of cleaning their teeth or picking up clothes.
But these are the passing phases on their unique journeys toward necessary self-definition – and it is my continual challenge to see the larger picture.
I am challenged, on a daily basis, to speak well of others, to be honorable to my word (as far as it is possible) and to guard the words that come out of my mouth.
Clearly, as the primary adult in their lives, I am called upon to show them how adults ought to behave, how adults ought to resolve conflict, be forgiving, be kind and generous.
Fighting over a toy in the back of the car, will, I hope, give them fond memories of these formative years. Watching me face the daily grind of living an adult life, will, I hope, impart to them invaluable tools for successful futures.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Family, Love, Parenting/Children, Step parenting |
2 Comments »
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