July 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”
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Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.
While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.
Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.
Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.
It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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May 19, 2010
by Rod Smith
When dealing with difficult situations or difficult people…..
1. Your responses are more important than the difficulties or the problems presented. You can choose to escalate (step up) the anxiety or embrace and reduce it (step down). The latter is usually infinitely more productive, although at times, purposefully escalating issues can bring necessary change. It takes wisdom to know the difference.
2. Knee-jerk, reactive behavior will usually hurt you, while planned, creative, and honest responses will facilitate resolution and healing – if resolution and healing are even possible.
3. Not all conflicts can be resolved, nor can all painful or destructive circumstances be healed – but it is possible to allow everything we face to become a transformational crucible, a context that stimulates growth, provokes change, and transforms our character. “What can this teach me?” is a more useful response than, “How can I win?”, “How can I be vindicated?” or “How can I get out of this?”.
4. It is helpful to acknowledge that some people are so toxic, destructive, bitter, or disillusioned that resolution is impossible – and it is better to sever the relationship than it is to play with their fire. By the way, they are often the “nicest” people. Beware of nice! Be even more aware of “religious and nice.” It is often a calculated front. (“Buite blink; binne stink!” This is an Afrikaans idiom: “Outside sparkles; inside stinks.”)
5. As a general rule grace and flexibility will triumph over resentment and rigidity, forgiveness is always more powerful and liberating than harboring resentments.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Meditation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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May 16, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)
I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Recovery, Schnarch, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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April 7, 2010
by Rod Smith
“The man I date and I are compatible. Months ago he received a call but would not answer. I found this strange. He became defensive and I have been suspicious since. I did what I should not have done and found numerous messages to and from a girlfriend. He denied seeing anyone. I called the girlfriend who said she was in a relationship with him. He says there is no relationship. She confirmed she wants nothing more to do with him but I have found out that they are still speaking. I am now confused because he continues to see me. I am uncertain about where this is going. I find it strange that she would say she is a relationship with him but he denies it.” (Edited)
Don't police him.....
You’re dating. It is supposed to be fun. Playing phone police is not. Stop monitoring him. He is an adult who can have as many friends as he chooses – unless you both decide otherwise.
The confusing thing is not that he continues to see you, but that you, given your mistrust, continue to see him. Find a man who desires monitoring. They exist, and, the bonus is, they perceive controlling behavior to be evidence of real love.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, High maintenance relationships |
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February 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I have a daughter (5) and I have been with my partner for over a year. My daughter stays with her grandparents during the week to help me with gas. My partner does not work and I pay all the bills. He gets angry with me because he believes that I do not hold my daughter accountable. I don’t hit my child but I do talk to her so she has an Rod Smith, MSMFT
This will go nowhere worth going for you until you love yourself more than you love your daughter and you love your daughter more than you love him. I’d suggest you devise an immediate escape plan. Your daughter, not this manipulator, is your responsibility.
Jean Hatton
‘held accountable’ is a good idea, but not concerning him. I would ask you to consider that you have brought this man into your home and by so doing, have put yourself and your daughter’s well being at risk. It sounds like he has done nothing but add stress and guilt to your life as he makes demands on you to keep him happy. Loving your daughter is your priority. Be accountable for the decision that you made to bring this angry controlling man into your lives — and choose the healthy way out.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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December 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
Some things are overrated for their power to shape people. Before I am barraged with mail, kindly note I am not suggesting these things are not important. I am suggesting they are offered more power to heal or hurt than appropriate:
1. Parenting: While of course it is important parents do all they can to be good parents, do the right and loving thing, and be available to help and correct and love their young – multiple factors influence and shape children into adults. Thank God my children are infinitely more than, much more, than a product of my parenting.
2. Empathy: Counselors spend much time developing their ability to embrace the experience of the client – as if understanding the client, feeling what the client feels, is in itself the silver bullet of greater mental health. Empathy is not, in itself, a useful end. Thank God my professors offered me personal challenges, invited me to embrace change, while also attempting to understand and embrace my experience.
3. Childhood: I believe our self-help culture has managed to convince the masses that, pivotal to ensuring healthy adulthood, is a happy childhood. While no one in their right mind desires an unhappy childhood for any child, an unhappy childhood does not preclude a person from a full, purposeful, and prosperous adulthood. Look around you: many men and women with the most troubled of childhoods have risen above it all and changed the world – for good.
Posted in Adolescence, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships |
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November 12, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have been in contact with a guy for the past 18 months, chatting online. He lives in another city. A few months ago we met, and really hit it off. I have met him a few times since, and had initially thought that I was imagining, his bad breath. The last visit which was a few days ago, left me quite repelled as he seems to have a serious halitosis problem that he is not aware of. The sad thing is that other than that, he is absolutely wonderful, but I really feel that I will be unable to go on with a person who has such bad breath. Both of us have been divorced previously, with no children and we are both in our thirties. Please help! How do I approach this?”
Tell him...
Try to be humorous; first tell him of some of your own “blind spots” and ask if he is “open” to hearing some you have noticed. If this relationship progresses to levels of greater commitment and deeper love, you are going to have to have far more difficult conversations. This conversation will be good practice for what is to come – if you are anything like millions of other healthy couples.
India
You’re both mature thirty-plus year olds right? And I’m assuming life has taught you both that there is never a need to “beat around the bush” at this age. Having bad breath is like having bad body odor, your always the last one to notice (or so I’ve heard). So in the grand scheme of things, and it sounds like this man is “absolutely wonderful” as you say, telling him he has bad breath will probably be one of the easiest relationship issues you’ll have to address together. And this is nothing that couldn’t be solved with, like gifting your boyfriend with a year’s supply of Cool Mint breath strips!
ACT, Australia
and then meeting him and enjoying the times together, you have probably communicated to him your enjoyment of the relationship. It sounds as if you like each other. It’s with that in mind that I suggest that he might appreciate your honesty about how you are struggling with his bad breath. Telling the truth to someone (not in a critical manner) is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself as well as the other.
Midwest, USA
! No really- its probably something that you’ll need to bring up with him if you do in fact want to remain in relationship with him. Have the courage to do so even if it doesn’t end up working out. If he can seek medical help for it it may be something you laugh about later in your relationship. The way he responds to you when you tell him will speak volumes to the future you may or may not have with him.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Voice |
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November 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My wife and I have been married for 20 years and I love and trust her fidelity. However there is one thing that I find it quite difficult to cope with and that is that she likes to keep in touch with her ex-boyfriends and lovers. This causes me quite a lot of pain. Am I abnormal? Do I need therapy?”
Open your hand....
unless there are related behaviors you are not telling me about like outbursts of rage on your part. I do not believe you need therapy. I have received many letters with a similar theme and met face-to-face with many couples in the same boat. The issue will not be solved if your wife severs contact with her past relationships.
You are the one with the feelings (the anguish, the uncertainty) and therefore the one with the opportunity to grow. Matters will be “solved” or alleviated for you, when you open your hand and facilitate her freedom to befriend, within the commitments of your marriage, whomever she desires. These relationships predate you, and you are her obvious choice of a life-partner. Work on yourself, not on her. If you work (force, plead, strong-arm, attempt to manipulate) on her, you will only alienate her and turn your internal world upside down.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships |
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November 10, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My in-laws spoil my children. The kids don’t close their mouths after talking about something they want and off go grandma and grandpa to buy it. I did not grow up this way and I don’t want it for my children. Please help.” (Email not gender specific)
Timing is everything...
Although you have not hinted at the possibility, do not ask your spouse to be the messenger to his or her parents. You are the one feeling and expressing the frustration, and so this is an issue that is yours to directly handle.
Second: Speak up, and do so without alienating your in-laws. This requires great skill, an advanced sense of timing, and a great deal of poise on your part. Choose a time when anxiety is low – a time when you are all feeling good about life and each other.
Third: if you are successful, your in-laws will thank you for your insight and somewhat refrain from excessive shopping. You will need to remind them (playfully) of your chat several times over the course of a year.
Fourth: If you are unsuccessful, everyone will end up on bad terms, your in-laws won’t shop for the children again and your children and spouse will be as frustrated with you as you are with your in-laws.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Parenting/Children |
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October 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”
Let then be...
that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…
Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.
Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors. 
difficultrelationships.com 