November 3, 2007
by Rod Smith
I am listening....
1. Neither client nor therapist exaggerates therapist’s abilities or the client’s condition.
2. Therapist sees role as helping client steer toward a more productive, healthy future.
3. Client sees the “big picture” over the “long haul” rather than immediate relief in the “here and now.” (Patience, patience, patience).
4. Client and therapist maintain a sense of humor (a sure indication of health) while facing life’s inevitable challenges. Not everything can or will be better no matter how much therapy you throw at it!
5. Client and therapist call forth the client’s strengths and the innate human desire for adventure, rather than engage in the seemingly endless pursuit to understand a client’s pathological history, weaknesses, parents’ weaknesses, and debilitating reasonable, and unreasonable fears.
6. Therapist and client understand the limited benefits of empathy in exchange for the overwhelming benefits of challenge and adventure.
7. Client realizes that psychological insight without action (acting upon the insight) is a waste of money, time and useful therapeutic process. Sometimes a person has to actually DO something rather than be filled with insight about what needs to be done.
8. Client is willing to increase the ability to tolerate necessary pain (both within self and within others) and resist the understandable pressure to alleviate the very pain essential for growth to occur.
9. Therapist challenges the client repeatedly toward self-definition (to grow up!) in the face of life’s natural obstacles.
Conditions under which counseling or therapy will be of little or no value…
Time and again I hear “If I could just get him/her to see a counselor” as if a counselor can work magic to heal and solve all personal and relationship problems. Few trained counselors would see themselves as possessing such unrealistic powers. Here are some conditions (there are others) under which even counseling will be of little or no value:
1. When a person is forced, or cornered, or manipulated into seeing a counselor.
2. When a person has no motivation for change.
3. When a person agrees to see a counselor because he/she believes counseling will “fix” someone else in the family.
4. When the person’s mind is already made up over and issue (a pending divorce, continued involvement in an affair) and goes to counseling so he/she can say he/she tried it and it was no help.
5. When a person is resistant to getting help (doesn’t see the need for help) and offers counselors little or no respect in the first place.
6. When the person is combative from the outset and sees the therapeutic hour as time to show how clever (or funny, or morose, or argumentative, or stubborn, or intellectual) he/she can be.
7. When the person has already made up his/her mind that there’s no hope (”we’ve tried it all before”) or that counseling is a waste of time and money.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Recovery, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Step parenting, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
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October 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
Are you emotionally out of shape? Psychologically exhausted? Tramped on? Feel trapped? Just as a person can be physically run down, so also can one become emotionally depleted. Here are simple, not easy, steps to getting your internal life into shape. Each will do your internal life as much good as frequent exercise does for a person who is physically out of shape:
1. Speak up where you might previously have remained silent.
2. Realize that not everything you think and feel has to be said or reported.
3. Focus on your own behavior and not the behavior of others. (This might be the most difficult of the 11 suggestions).
4. Rid your life of all blame.
5. Realize you are where you are as a result of your own choices.
6. Set small, secret goals involving no one but you.
7. Refuse to compromise when it comes to telling the truth no matter how much love may be involved.
8. Forgive where you might have previously have been resentful.
9. Do not function in roles not legally yours (don’t play wife if your are not, or dad if you are not).
10. Grasp the fact that emotional health is an individual journey and no one can be held responsible for your journey toward greater emotional health but you.
11. Clarify, for yourself, where you end and others begin. (This IS me, my issue, my responsibility: this is NOT me, my issue, my responsibility).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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September 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
Axioms (observations that are almost always true) for families:
A man or woman who has an open, friendly, respectful, and playful relationship with his or her own parents will seldom have problems with his or her in-laws.
Extra-marital affairs are symptoms of a troubled marriage and not the cause of trouble in a marriage.
The teenager who is open and friendly and kind to his or her parents is laying the foundation for a happy and open and friendly relationship with his or her future spouse and children.
When children “take over” a family, and become the center or the glue of a marriage, relational carnage (with the marriage and even possibly with the children) waits in the wings.
The couple that engages in sex, but never discusses it, will finally end up discussing (or arguing about) why one or the other partner has lost all interest in sex.
People who can stand up to each other (resist poor treatment; declare what he or she will or will not do; speak up about what he or she really feels) are more likely to have a lasting relationship than people who relent or give in to each other’s wishes in the name of love.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Domination, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Manipulation |
4 Comments »
July 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My daughter’s marriage has not been smooth sailing but now it has really soured. Her husband wants a marriage without any intimacy. It appears has if has separated himself from the marriage. They have been to counselors did not help much. The problem started when he was convinced she was having an affair. He has had numerous affairs. He refuses to move forward. It is some months where there is no intimacy or physical contact. I don’t know what to make of this. Is it his way of wanting the marriage end? Please enlighten me as to what this could be. I have emailed you on my own without my daughter’s knowledge.” (Letter edited)
While I am aware your daughter is in a tough spot, it is apparent that you have gotten “the wires” of your love, care and concern “crossed” with your anxiety for your daughter. I’d suggest you know too much about a relationship you are not a part of – and one which “too close” to you for you to be able to have any helpful impact. This is your daughter’s concern. I’d suggest you reaffirm your love for your daughter, and love her enough to try and stay out of the details of her marriage.
Posted in Forgiveness, Parenting/Children |
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July 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My fiancé – of 15 years – and I seem to be operating at a tangent with regard to a host of issues. She is a elementary teacher. I am an academic. Her behaviors abound with inconsistencies, lies, secrets, and manipulation. I am more consultative in my communication with her; she is highly defensive and irrational. She has serious temper tantrums, very often derailing the focus of our discussion. She cheated on me once; blatantly lied, but with time, I forgave her for her deception. I believe that by my being supportive and understanding, I am carrying her deep unresolved psychological baggage and subconsciously feeding into my own dependency needs by intellectualizing. I am going to stop forthwith. Please let me have your views. Regrettably because of space, I could not overwhelm you with all the relevant information.” (Letter shortened)
You are apparently a person with much insight. It seems you have decided to turn your insight into action. Well done. Insight alone (by itself) is usually quite useless. You are well aware that people are usually as emotionally well, or unwell, as those whom we tend to choose as partners. It takes two to really tangle!
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Education, Forgiveness |
2 Comments »
May 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
Chime in, please...
1. Set career, academic, and health goals for yourself, and then work hard to achieve them.
2. Develop a network of diverse and supportive friends both on your own and with your wife.
3. Challenge your wife to be a mutual, respectful, and equal partner in every aspect of your relationship. If you have an urge to be in charge and think being in charge makes you more of a man, seek professional help.
4. Resist any forms of intimacy you or your wife find uncomfortable.
5. Believe in your wife’s honesty and integrity by refusing to lie or cover for her no matter how seemingly justifiable the lie or a cover-up might be.
6. Applaud and support your wife’s desire and her attempts to be close to her extended family.
7. Talk to your wife about what you see, think, and feel regarding matters that are important to you, and offer her opportunities to do the same with you.
8. Resist “shutting down” or playing the silent game or the “hurt puppy” when you do not get what you want.
9. Take full responsibility for your children by spending large blocks of time (three-day weekends) with your children. Do not recruit any help from you wife or extended family to do this.
10. Be as interdependent as possible. Find fulfillment both within your marriage as a husband, and as an individual. Enjoy being husband and dad without losing your capacity to enjoy life outside of each of these wonderful roles.
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Love, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Victims, Voice |
2 Comments »
May 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
is one of the most common theme of letters I receive. Here are a few generic principles to jump-start the journey of greater health whether the relationship in question survives or not:
1. Don’t focus in “the relationship” but on doing what is healthy and mature for your individual sake. This is not selfish. Getting your house in order will challenge everyone around you to greater health even if you lose your primary, but toxic, relationships in the process. If you do not have the energy to do this, a simple way to help you access the healthy thing to do is to ask yourself the question What do really well and emotionally healthy people do when faced with such a situation and then try, as tough as it might be, to live the answer.
2. Never participate in sexual behavior you do not want. Good sex, or sex at all, (or what one partner regards as good sex) will not salvage a toxic relationship, but only serve to perpetuate all that is already unhealthy about it. Keep in mind that sex frequently prevents love from growing within a relationship.
3. Talk to close friends about what is really happening to you within a deteriorating relationship. Secrecy escalates toxicity. Opening your life to a trusted friend will help you to see healthier options. While a toxic relationship might be “killing you” allow your community to help save you.
4. Do not go rushing back to anything or anyone simply because they say they are sorry. Being sorry (asking forgiveness) for unacceptable behavior is not, in itself, change. Forgive, yes, but do not forget. Look for the fruit of regret. The fruit of an apology and forgiveness is changed behavior.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
16 Comments »
May 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My adult son died 9 years ago. I had promised to stay at his side. The day he died, we had a lovely day, chatting, laughing at things on TV, and just being quiet. By evening I was so exhausted that I told him I was going home and would see him in the morning. The nurse phoned later and said things weren’t too good and that I should come. I raced to him to find that he had already passed away. I’ve been tormented with guilt ever since. I’ve tried to let go, reminding myself that we had a wonderful relationship and that he would forgive me, but I still feel I let him down badly. I feel that I was being selfish by choosing to go home instead of staying. (Letter edited)
Rod’s Reply: First: Write your son a letter updating him on all that has transpired over the past 9 years.
Second: Read the letter to a group of people who also loved him.
Third: I challenge you to allow your anguish to end. If 9 years are not enough, how many years do you need to beat yourself up about wanting rest?
The highest tribute you could pay his shortened life would be to live your own as fully as possible.
Posted in Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, Parenting/Children, Recovery |
18 Comments »
April 25, 2007
by Rod Smith
Some “small” events pay me regular visits even twenty-five years later. I had been on a short holiday in Cape Town, and, on my return, took a dozen rolls of film to the CNA at La Lucia mall for processing.
After a prolonged wait in the line (queue), it was finally my turn at the cash register:
“You’ve got a lot of pictures. Have you been on holiday?” said the friendly woman while she rang up my purchases.
“Yes,” was probably my terse reply.
“Where did you go?”
“Cape Town.”
“Can I see your pictures? I have never been to Cape Town,” she said.
“No,” I said, “they are my pictures and I am in a hurry.”
Before I reached my home in Sunningdale I heard the still small voice announce that I really did not need to be quite so cold and unfriendly.
“Go back. Apologize. Show her your pictures,” said the voice within my deepest psyche.
Sheepishly I returned and apologized. I offered to show the woman my pictures. She’d not lost her enthusiasm to see the pictures of my holiday despite having been the brunt of my unearned cold-shoulder.
Please send your “Moment of Learning” to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com. Please limit your story to 200 words.
Posted in Forgiveness |
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April 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My parents were very happily married and did everything together. My mom and dad would never go anywhere without the other. I know times have changed and every marriage is unique and I know my husband is not the same as my father, but he (my husband) thinks nothing of planning short golf trips with his friends at least three times a year. He usually encourages me to do some kind of similar trip with my friends. Apart from his involvement in sport, which takes up so much time, I think we are very happy. Please comment.” (Letter edited)
I’d suggest you offer your husband all the support possible in order that he may freely pursue his golf and his friends. Find an absorbing interest of your own so that when he is away and playing golf, you do not place your life on hold.
The greater your genuine ease with your husband’s interests, the less likely it is that these interests will be a point of stress for each of you in your marriage. I should think that a golf course would be a very attractive sanctuary of peace and tranquility if it also must become a necessary escape from a difficult spouse!
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Forgiveness, Victims |
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