December 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
Open Hand can help you help yourself out of your addiction
The substance, or the activity, and the accompanying shame begin to rule. It (alcohol, “pot”, gambling, illicit sexual behavior, you name it) can take over a person’s life and make a beggar out of anyone. The shakes, cravings, preoccupations with the drugs, drinks, over-the-counter drugs, or gambling, then becomes central to a life hastily easing out of control. Relationships are threatened, jobs are on the line, and children’s nerves, simply as a product of exposure to addictions, are shattered.
And there is hope. There is hope for the man or woman who wants out from under the heavy rule of illegal substances or alcohol. There is hope for the adult who wants to live without drinking, that wants to be present and sober for his or her children while the children are growing. I’ve seen it many times: a man or a woman has been shocked into the realization that his or her lifestyle is no longer productive and drinking and drunkenness has all but consumed the person while also killing the marriage.
Let me have your story by Email that I may assist you in finding the hope you need and the help you might think you need in overcoming your addiction.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Faith, Family |
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November 18, 2009
by Rod Smith
Dialogue first....
You get to decide if you wish to be subjected to cultural expectations at the expense of your marriage and your mental health. I’d suggest you have a conversation, and not a confrontation, with your husband over this matter. Do not suggest he resist assisting his parents, but rather finds a way, with you, to serve his parents without sacrificing the needs of his immediate family.
Dialogue first. Negotiations, second. Ultimatums, polarized positions (“us or them”) to be avoided at all cost.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family |
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November 10, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My in-laws spoil my children. The kids don’t close their mouths after talking about something they want and off go grandma and grandpa to buy it. I did not grow up this way and I don’t want it for my children. Please help.” (Email not gender specific)
Timing is everything...
Although you have not hinted at the possibility, do not ask your spouse to be the messenger to his or her parents. You are the one feeling and expressing the frustration, and so this is an issue that is yours to directly handle.
Second: Speak up, and do so without alienating your in-laws. This requires great skill, an advanced sense of timing, and a great deal of poise on your part. Choose a time when anxiety is low – a time when you are all feeling good about life and each other.
Third: if you are successful, your in-laws will thank you for your insight and somewhat refrain from excessive shopping. You will need to remind them (playfully) of your chat several times over the course of a year.
Fourth: If you are unsuccessful, everyone will end up on bad terms, your in-laws won’t shop for the children again and your children and spouse will be as frustrated with you as you are with your in-laws.
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Parenting/Children |
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November 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
Your brief question leaves many unaddressed variables. That you desire sex might be considered a positive thing in the wake (no cheap pun intended) of your loss. Yet, if you have used sex in the past as an escape, rather than as a means to contributing to a mutual, respectful, and equal relationship, you will be furthering behavior that is ultimately destructive for you. Then, if you adhere to a faith tradition which precludes you from engaging in sex outside of marriage, you might find some short-term relief in sexual behavior, but you will ultimately self-inflict emotional and spiritual discord.
But I will assume you, an adult who has endured a significant loss, are understandably reaching out for love and affection.
Three things:
1. You are not betraying the deceased.
2. You and your faith tradition decide on when is acceptable to you to have sex (it is not up to anyone else).
3. You will take into account that sexual behavior is never purely recreational.
It is impossible to do something so profoundly intimate with your body that doesn’t also impact every other aspect of your emotional and spiritual life.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Listening, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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October 29, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I will not get in your way. You may work where you choose, worship where you choose, and have all the friends you need and want. If you want to further your education I will do all I can to support you. You are absolutely free and do not require my permission for anything. I know the trust that we have developed between us gives me the confidence to know that you will always choose well and wisely, and when and if you do not choose well and wisely, I know your unwise choices do not arise out of an intentional desire to damage yourself, our relationship, or me.”
“I, in turn, will not get in your way. I will create space for our mutual benefit, work hard for our mutual enrichment, and honor the respect the trust we have built up over the years we have known each other. While I know I do not require your permission to enlarge my life through developing my career, and by developing many meaningful friendships, or enjoying a life of discipline and worship, I will willingly use the freedom that is inherently mine for our continued and mutual benefit.”
“Lighthouse” – friend, and reader, develops the theme —: “I will not (covertly) get in your way. I will collaborate with you prior to committing significant time, money, emotional resources and/or physical effort to ensure that our expectations are aligned with our mutually beneficial goals. I will do what I say so your trust in me is earned. When we have not explicitly agreed something, my actions will honor our relationship nonetheless. I will encourage you to uphold your agreements and thank you for your efforts every day regardless of the results. I will engage when reality doesn’t match our expectations so we may learn from the experience, forgive those that failed to keep their word and forget the situation. I dedicate the time to talk with you because it is the exchange of such emotional intimacies that differentiates our deepening love from that of my love for family and friends.” (Thanks, “Lighthouse,” for your valuable and beautiful contribution)
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Voice |
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October 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”
Let then be...
that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…
Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.
Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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October 23, 2009
by Rod Smith
My mother and father believe that Christianity is one and only way to God. We argue often! My dad blames the martial art I do for me rejecting the dogma of Christianity and is now FORCING me to go to church. Please help. I am 16 and male.
Flexibility on your part....
of the men and women I run into everyday, they want to be your advocates and not your enemies. They want what is wonderful for you. I’ll bet the day will come when going to church with your parents will sound like a fabulous opportunity so I’d suggest you go, and that you go with a good attitude. While you are at church with your parents, try to be as open and affirming as possible.
Claiming to be grown up and able to make wise choices (which I admit you have not claimed in your letter) becomes evident when a young person chooses to enjoy doing what his or her parents want simply because the parents have asked. Be aware that your resistance could render you as difficult as you perceive them to be. I think you’d be amazed at how flexible and cooperative parents become when they see sons and daughters being flexible and cooperative.
Posted in Education, Faith, Family, Love, Teenagers, Voice |
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October 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
I am convinced that no matter how rough a person’s past is, or how traumatized the present might be, or how bleak or absent possibilities might seem, there is always hope for a more fulfilling future. Today I shall be an agent of hope.
I am convinced that no one is thoroughly bad (there is something redeemable in the “worst” of humanity) and no one is thoroughly good (everyone must combat his or her own “dark” side). Today I will offer guarded trust to all whom I meet.
I am convinced that while in the depths of the bleakest of circumstances, loneliness, and pain, some people attempt to display a brave front. Today I will be an agent of kindness to those who have to hide their deep pain.
I am convinced that my own happiness and fulfillment will be incomplete while it is at the expense of my integrity, while it requires someone else to lose, while it is contingent on darkness or deceit. I will live honestly and without manipulation.
I am convinced that conflict is a necessary part of fulfillment and integral to love. Today I will readily engage in helpful conflict that I may learn to love others more deeply than I have done before.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery, Single parenting, Space, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
ACT, Australia
the seasons in our lives change and the adjustment to that change requires attention and re-alignment. When our children leave home, we really miss them, and relating to them isn’t about meeting their needs but listening and relating to them as adults. They don’t need us in the ways they use to – we no longer have the role we once had. Parenting takes on different aspects – being available for support and friendship while at the same time offering encouragement as we see their lives being lived and the children coming along.
My own “learning curve” as our children got older was to make the decision to focus on the roots of my own anxieties, which came from my own family background. There were issues in my own life that needed healing. I saw very clearly my tendencies to want to control their lives because I thought my way was better. I had made mistakes and I didn’t want them to make the same mistakes.
A challenging task for many parents – especially moms, is ‘letting go’ of their sons and daughters to let them live their lives. It’s being able to stand back and allow them to do it THEIR way – trusting and respecting their values and decisions how they parent, and where they go no matter how radical it might seem.
Loving takes on a whole new meaning. It takes a lot of focus and energy to change the way we see our sons and daughters. Keeping quiet when we could voluntarily give our ‘sound advice’ is hard work. If they ask for input, that’s another story.
I pray a lot for my adult children and also for myself that I may continue to keep accepting them as they are and releasing them to their own journeys.
Readers wanting to write directly to Jean may do so at: Jean@TakeUpYourLife.com
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family |
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July 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
You can do all five today...
1.
Forgiveness – not necessarily “forgetting” although forgetting is a bonus, but fully forgiving everyone, everything, and all the time. I am not suggesting you stand in line to be repeatedly hurt.
2. Generosity – offering of your resources, gifts, and skills to others for a fee, or no fee. Both can be expressions of generosity. Just because you pay for something does not mean the source is not generous. Remember, and I’d give credit if I knew where I heard it, “If you get something for nothing someone is getting nothing for something!”
3. Hospitality – offering your home, car, and your resources (wisely) to others empowers everyone in the equation. It is a bonus if you can do it for an enemy or an estranged family member. This is radical hospitality.
4. Humor – offering others your ability to see and to express the lighter sides of life. Anxious people (organizations, churches, schools, businesses) become convinced that seriousness is more productive or more important than playfulness. In truth it is quite the opposite. (Please read Ed. Friedman: Failure of Nerve).
5. Awareness – developing healthy awareness of the impact your life has on others, the environment, and the future.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family |
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