“I wish to extend my sincere thanks to you for helping me turn my life around. I have been reading your column every day since I wrote you months back when I was a jittering useless person unable to make decisions and take that next step for myself. Your response to me regarding the abuse I have been subject to for nearly 30 years was a real wake up call, not that certain things you set out for me had not been said to me before or thought by me before, it was just the way you said it that was the cherry on the cake! I was too afraid to listen. I am still living with my son – 17 months since my husband kicked me out of our home. I do plan to get my own little home in the not too distant future. We are divorced. I have bought myself a decent car. I have actually made contact with the human race, even with men who are able to hold a decent conversation without my being told I am stupid or incompetent. All of this, and more, in the space of about 7 months. My sons are delighted with my transformation!” (Letter shortened)
Are the suggestions, challenges, relevant to all cultures?
No culture is perfect....
While of course, I acknowledge the beauty, the power, and significance of unique cultures within all of their many forms – there are some aspects or things about most cultures should be challenged* and changed.
Here are a few:
1. When the voices of some are ignored or silenced because it is “cultural” (as in come caste systems).
2. When violence is par for the course because that’s our culture. (“He beats me, but that is how men are in these parts.”)
3. When boundaries are violated and one person or group is constantly the victim. (“Children get no privacy in our – insert place, race, religion, or language – families.”)
4. When thoughts and actions are monitored and suppressed in order to perpetuate the power of one group or person over another group or person. (“In our religion we are not allowed to think such things!”)
5. When the powerless are victimized and silence is the expected response. (“That’s just the way it is in the south – this county, this neighborhood, whatever!”)
The Differentiation of Self is applicable across all cultures and to consider it not so, is to misunderstand the concept at its core.
* I cannot prance around the world uttering racial slurs and then claim that, as a white South African reared under Apartheid, I am expressing my culture. Some things about my culture are despicable and ought to be harshly rejected. The same is true when a culture (or church, or family, or boss, or significant other) robs people of their voices for any reason (gender, race, age, economic status, or religion). Domination, manipulation, so-called co-dependence is not good for anyone, no matter where he or she is born, what language he or she speaks, or what faith he or she claims or proclaims.
By the way, one of my first Egyptian students wrote in response to a week of exposure to my lectures: “You are welcome to visit Egypt but do not say anything.”
Mother won’t let daughter move on…
“I’m 35 and have been divorced for 5 years. I met a woman whose husband passed away two years ago. We are in love. I can’t stay away. We spend hours on the phone. The problem is that she wants to move on but is discouraged by her family. Her mum doesn’t want her to move on. She told her daughter not to communicate with me. The mum feels if I take the daughter away there’s no one to take the mum shopping. The mum says to the daughter the reason the mom left work was because of her and to look after the two children. They make the daughter feel guilty in every way possible. I told the daughter she must take control of it but she doesn’t want to disrespect her parents.” (Edited)
Mother is not the enemy...
Do not push. Invite. Challenge. But do not push. Try not to make the mother the enemy.
Adult sons and daughters who expect…..
Pushing, will push back...
The attachment, while being uncomfortable for the cheque-signing parent, is also a problem for others impacted by the agreement (or the manipulation). Frequently it is a problem for a stepparent who was taken unaware by a financial burden not of his or her own making.
While I would encourage parents NOT to sign for loans, agree to pay rent and become embroiled over financial issues over which he or she has no direct responsibility or control, it is important to note that while the other adult (stepparent) sees it as his or her mission to untie the financial embroilments, the binds will not be eased.
Trying to get a spouse to “see the light” is as difficult as trying to get a financially irresponsible adult child to “be responsible.” The tyranny will only begin to ease when the one who is signing the cheques gets over the associated guilt and stops doing so.
Should I address injustices I see?
Families can be dangerous...
Address, with courage and kindness, the matters that directly pertain to you. The price of peacekeeping (appeasing others) is a far greater one than you will pay for peacemaking (allowing and facilitating necessary conflict).
But, tackle only what directly pertains to you. If you mess with relationships that you are not part of (where you are not one of the parties in the relationship) you will pay a price you might not want to afford. Families can be very dangerous places.
Fundamental errors in thinking when in a toxic relationship…
1. I have to stay in this marriage for the sake of children.
2. I have no options because he/she holds all the power.
3. I’d rather have an abusive partner than no partner at all.
4. If we only had enough money there would not be all these stresses and strains.
5. My friends (family, neighbors) will never forgive me if I get divorced.
6. No one cares how bad it is and I have no one to talk to.
7. He will lose his job if this comes out.
8. We keep our marriage troubles secret and no one knows about them.
9. My parents will reject me if this relationship doesn’t work.
10. It is my fault that he/she is abusive.
11. Things will improve if I am sufficiently patient.
12. He’s a lot better because he/she doesn’t hit me as much (drink as much, scream as much) as he/she used to.
When you are in a jam….
Love leads to freedom.....
2. Begin with taking personal responsibility, seeing what it is you can do differently from what you have done in the past.
3. Work your way out privately (don’t announce it to the world) and slowly (don’t try to go too quickly).
4. Know that there are always more options than might be first apparent. Once you move beyond the initial impact of what you are facing, spend some time thinking. Options formerly clouded by anxiety, will begin to emerge.
5. Given several emerging and unexpected choices, take the more adventurous option, the less obvious choice. This will till the soil of your life and bring you new-found zeal.
6. As you work your way out of your fix by taking new and risky choices, behave in such a way that you have others asking, “What got into him/her?” This will help others see that your healthy unpredictability is part of your desire to shift former unproductive patterns.
7. Welcome and expect resistance – especially from those to whom you are closest. It’s the by-product of all change. Change upset the power balance in relationships and it is usually, at least at first, resisted.
My daughter is aggressive….
“We have been separated for 5 months. My husband has moved on with his life and living with his girlfriend who my kids (twelve and eight) get along with. I have met a friend with whom I have fallen in love with. My children don’t seem to adjust very well to this. I have spoken to them about the relationship but my daughter (12) always seems aggressive. She has tried to stab herself and pack her bags. She calls her dad and makes me a bad mother. She always says that I have no time for them since her dad has left. She threatens that she will go and live her dad.”
It's NOT the child...
You are surely not surprised? There is no easy solution. The problem is NOT your daughter.
If I were writing the script (which I am not) I’d have both adults resist finding “love” until they have allowed the children time to get somewhat used to the first trauma (mom and dad’s divorce) before I thrust them into the next (mom and dad’s new relationships).
Ten quick-checks: Is it a healthy romance?
Take UP you life....
2. You don’t have to check in with each other several times a day.
3. You feel freer, more empowered than ever, because you are in this relationship.
4. You stay out of things that have nothing to do with you, like past relationships, choices of clothing; who he or she meets for business purposes; relationships with siblings and parents.
5. You offer your innermost self (through regular conversations) in a manner that is less and less guarded as time passes and as trust increases.
6. You are inspired to pursue previously held dreams and ambitions, which perhaps have taken a backseat in your life for a period of time.
7. You have a renewed sense of childlikeness and adventure and are eager to explore individual interests outside of your career.
8. You choose to become financially, sexually, and emotionally accountable as you desire to build something permanent and lasting with your new-found love.
9. You keep thorough and complete confidentiality with personal matters that pertain to the two of you.
10. You are bolder and more courageous in this person’s presence and he or she affirms your boldness every step of the way.
How she dresses does impact me……
“If I go out with a person how she dresses is relevant to me. This has nothing to do with vanity. It has to do with presentation and being comfortable with your partner. Her dress impacts on me. To say that tomorrow she will control my life is wrong. If she is correcting a shabbiness or unacceptable behavior by me what is wrong in that?”
Love leads to freedom.....
Of course there is nothing amiss when healthy people who love each other suggest items of clothing for each other and to suggest otherwise would be absurd. I will remind you that readers frequently write about “partners” who want to orchestrate every move of the person whom they say they love – and it always, always begins with a focus on clothing! Here’s a better idea: Love each other enough to leave each other alone! Live in your own skin, tend to your own behavior and your own clothing. Require LESS, not MORE maintenance. This is love: that you love enough to mind your own business – and trust that your adult partner is adult enough (and wise enough and kind enough) to mind his or her own business.
