January 20, 2011
by Rod Smith
Is it time to quit?
Healthy people seldom engage in friendships that are more work than necessary, and have little or no problem cutting ties when a friendship becomes over-taxing, overly demanding or draining. Friendship is supposed to be enjoyable. Thus, whenever any of the following occur in a friendship, I’d suggest it is time to cut and run. I am not at all suggesting the friendship ONLY involves good times. I am suggesting that if a friendship is hard work when it is time for the good times (no present illness, no unusual trauma) then it might be time to move on:
Your friend:
(1) Doesn’t want you to have other friends; expresses jealousy through sullenness, withdrawal or antagonism.
(2) Lies to you, about you, or about others.
(3) Expects you to keep “special” secrets or information when the knowledge makes you uncomfortable.
(4) Watches the clock if you are late and interprets your lateness as meaning something about the friendship.
(5) Compares your behavior in one friendship with your behavior in another (“How come you are never this way with your other friends?”).
(6) Expects you to buy into his or her values even when they differ from your values.
(7) Wants or needs to book up your time a long time in advance to make sure your life is planned around his or her life.
(8) Plays games of “hide and seek” to see how much you care or how important the friendship is to you.
(9) Keeps track of your activities, comings and goings, so that you feel you’re constantly being watched. (added by Jenny Lowen)
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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January 19, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I bite my nails and so I hide my fingers so the bleeding tips of my fingers cannot be seen. I’ve tried everything to stop. I do it unconsciously. I catch myself but by then my fingers is bleeding and hurting. Please help.”
Treat your nails with love and care
While nail biting (chronic onychophagia) is often associated with nervousness. I’d suggest it is sometimes simply a habit to overcome:
A: Make a decision to conquer the habit.
B: Keep your decision a secret at least for two or three weeks or until the change is evident.
C: Carry at pocket tube of hand lotion and apply it to your fingertips and hands frequently during the day.
D: Every time you get the urge to place a finger in your mouth the odor of the lotion will remind you to apply the lotion instead.
Within a very short space of time (three to five days) you will see new growth in your fingernails. Keep at it. Offer your fingernails tender love and you will be surprised at how rapidly they reward you with growth, strength, and beauty enough to require the care of a manicurist.
While I know this appears simple, this is an approach I developed. It worked for me, I’ve seen it work for others, and I hope it works for you.
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January 17, 2011
by Rod Smith
80,000 online views
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
(November 2006)
Tell me your story. I am listening:
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Single parenting, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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January 16, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I was divorced 4 years ago and have daughter (7) who lives with her mother. I have been living with my girlfriend for 4 years and we have a son (2). I knew my girlfriend before I got divorced and she had a good relationship with my daughter. After we moved in together she started disliking my daughter. Now that I have gained more access to my daughter my girlfriend does not like it. She says she is too young to accept all of this but it’s been already four years. She knew I had a child before we started dating. I will not choose my girlfriend over my child again. What do I do?”
Look at YOUR choices
This is not your girlfriend’s problem. It is yours.
What it is about you that you would leave a marriage and immediately move in with another woman, giving yourself no time to assess your first failed marriage? What is it about you that you’d bring yet another child into another unstable context with a woman with whom you’d not discussed joys and challenges of co-parenting your daughter?
Addressing these questions might begin to “man-you-up” (get you some backbone) so that you might begin to take more responsibility for yourself and for ALL your relationships.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Step parenting, Stepmother, Womanhood |
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January 13, 2011
by Rod Smith
“I am so thankful for your articles on spiritual abuse and finding a voice. I married at a vulnerable moment of my life and saw abusive signs prior to saying ‘I do.’ I ignored them because I wanted a Godly man. I thought nothing that his family was extremely distant from him. I even tried for the sake of peace and obedience to go against my moral convictions and perform my devout allegiance and loyalty to every word he commanded. He would say…’God said!’ I had n voice over my own thoughts or contributions to our marriage. I’m the third wife of a seemingly godly person. People think I am the cause of our troubles. I have moved out, but am still married. I am unfortunately preparing for divorce – because he shows no signs of accountability or turning away from the behavior. I have gone to counseling, but there is so much damage already done. I wish churches would teach women it is okay to have a voice and to stand up to abusive husbands.” (Edited)
Thank you for your encouraging letter. I trust you will find wholeness. Once you are recovered you will have a platform to reach women in tough circumstances. Address your legitimate anger soon. Nothing eats at life like unresolved anger.
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January 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
Second marriages are not “fresh beginnings” as many couples would like to believe. A failed first marriage, no matter what the reasons for its disintegration, will cast some shadows over the second marriage.
Wise couples acknowledge this, accommodate the learning and talk about it – and thus diminish its power.
Naïve couples blissfully ignore the past until it blindsides them a little while after the honeymoon – if they are lucky enough for it to wait that long.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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January 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
This is a challenge to all of us
I am flummoxed by the number of high-powered men and women who can lead multi-national corporations (or schools, hospitals, government agencies, or churches) and yet who cannot seem to apply the wisdom and skill that has made them successful to their personal lives.
While loving a family and running a business are dissimilar in many ways, you’d think a man who has to regularly face conflict, negotiate with employees, and address unhappy customers may be able to address issues with his immediate family without becoming totally unglued!
I have regularly challenged men and women to consider using their business skills at home, to treat a wife or a daughter like a valued customer, to go above and beyond for a son in the manner that he or she might do for a valued employee.
And, of course, I have to rise to the challenge myself.
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January 11, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My boyfriend has a 6-year-old daughter who is a wonderful little girl. She likes me and we get along well. However, my boyfriend has a horrible relationship with his daughter’s mother and I’ve witnessed horrible battles while he was on the phone with her. He says he never gives her any money and instead, buys his daughter things she needs because he felt the money wasn’t going to the child. His daughter lives with her mother and older siblings in a ‘bad neighborhood’ and my boyfriend has mentioned gaining custody of his daughter. I don’t want to seem like a terrible person but I’m not ready to be mommy to a 6-year-old. I’m pregnant with my first baby, which would be his second. I’m just not ready for her to move in. We’re considering marriage in the next two years. Any suggestions?”
Your power over your domestic circumstances is restricted by pre-existing relationships in the life of the man whom you are marrying. He is a dad. That he has a daughter, and that he will want to do what it best for his daughter will probably be non-negotiable. This will not be an easy journey for you or your unborn child given the acrimony already in the system.
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January 10, 2011
by Rod Smith
Pietermaritzburg Educational Psychologist, David Weekes, contacted me. At my request he modified yesterday’s column: Thanks, David:
The parent who ENABLES …
1. Overprotects, makes excuses for or covers up his/her child’s misbehaviour and, thereby, undermines the authority of the other parent and teachers.
2. Feels over-burdened or rewarded by responsibility for his/her child (ensuring rules are followed, doing things for the child he/she is capable of doing for him/herself).
3. Feels like he/she is living more than one life as if the child’s choices and actions are entirely the parent’s responsibility.
4. Endures “borrowed” anxiety – worries needlessly about how his/her child will turn out, perform in school, cope with bullies.
5. Seems unable to distinguish between “self” and “parent” and, in seeking to be a “good” parent, reinforcing an unhealthy co-dependence.
The parent who EMPOWERS …
1. Learns to stop overprotecting (“I will not lie for you and write an excuse note when you are not ill.”)
2. Understands the critical distinction between being responsible for his/her child’s wellbeing and assuming responsibility when it is the child who is accountable.
3. Learns to allow many choices (within limits) made by his/her child to run their course so the child can learn from the consequences of his/her actions.
4. Learns to distinguish between useful anxiety and what is and is not a legitimate cause for worry.
5. Works at promoting a healthy, necessary separation to foster a sense of independence in that child.
David can be contacted at davidsw@telkomsa.net
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
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January 8, 2011
by Rod Smith
Dear Mr Smith,
What a wonderful moment and validation for me to receive your phone call on Christmas day. Thank you so much.
Today’s column on being “in love” and the “idea” thereof was most helpful. It explained a puzzling issue for me and, I am sure, for many others.
I know you get many emails and I am conscious of not wanting to impose so I will simply write to you periodically and do not expect any reply or response but please take comfort in our daily reading of your column and I hope you continue to share your wisdom with all of us – your readers.
Kind regards,
Greg
(South Africa)
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