June 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
Let's talk
(a non-sexual inordinate attachment with someone other than the spouse) will be very tough on a committed spouse. If this affair is full-blown you will probably feel as if you are living with someone who is absent in every manner but physically. He or she would really rather be elsewhere.
Calling attention to this hurtful inordinate attachment will probably result in flaring tempers and/or in further distancing which are designed to silence you. Consequently you will find yourself watching every word you say lest every encounter results in a flare up and/or in your spouse walking out the door.
Suggestions:
1. “Steel” yourself. Remind yourself that you are strong, deserving of the very best in all your relationships, that you are unwilling to tolerate “sharing” your spouse. This is a reasonable position to hold.
2. Do not keep it a secret. Draw attention to the emotional affair even if it disrupts the peace in your home.
3. Be prepared to take radical stands. Be willing to ask your spouse to move out and do not cooperate with the affair any more than you would were it fully sexual in nature. That the affair is non-sexual does not make it acceptable.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles |
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June 2, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I have a son (7) who is a lovely child who can be manipulative. He gets his own way most of the time which my husband allows and which I find hard to accept. I think my husband spoils the boy because he’s our only child. My son ‘takes’ to my husband more and if I discipline my son my husband gets offended and screams and shouts at me in presence of the child. At the moment I am much stressed and haven’t a clue what to do. My son’s behavior is becoming intolerable and beginning to irritate me. It’s like I’m heading for a nervous breakdown.” (Edited)
Take up your life....
– one person is trapped by the collusion of at least two others. This common set-up can be particularly painful for the marginalized parent. Screaming at each other will only make the triangle more rigid. While speaking up (no screaming or shouting!) is unlikely to get your husband’s attention I’d suggest you continue to try. Address the issues when the environment is less “charged” or emotionally neutral. If this fails, plan something benign yet radical to amplify or to expose the triangle. If it is clever, even humorous, it might get your husband’s attention.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Friendship, High maintenance relationships |
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May 31, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
fight with three goals in mind:
1. To be able to love each other more.
2. To be able to better understand each other.
3. To be able to resolve conflicts or accept conflicts that cannot be resolved.
Here are eight guidelines to foster healthy conflict:
a. Stay with the presenting issue – under stress people tend to go off on hurtful, unrelated tangents.
b. Don’t recruit the “Big Guns” like your in-laws, your parents, The Bible, or God to back up your point of view. (“My dad says…”)
c. Avoid sentiments like “now I understand why your ex left you” or “now I know why your children don’t like you.”
d. Resist retrieving past issues to embolden your position.
e. Don’t sneer, sigh, or roll your eyes, or give the “I’ve-heard-this-all-before” look.
f. Don’t call upon anonymous sources like “they” saw you or “someone” told me.
g. Listen more than you talk – this will help you remain engaged and validate your commitment.
h. Don’t compromise your voice – your relationship needs you to be more who you, not less who you are.
The military fight to kill and destroy. Lovers and family members fight to increase love and understanding.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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May 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am in a relationship with a man who has two children. His younger daughter is making my life hell. She lies to her mother about how I treat her and refuses to speak to me. She is hostile and rude and I am often too uncomfortable to attend family events. She has recently started to not visit her father. I have tried time and time again to get her to like me but nothing has worked. I feel like it is going to come down to her or me. He says he will not allow her to drive me away. How can I stay knowing that she will stop seeing her father if I am around?”
Spend no time or effort trying to get her to like you. Don’t bargain, appease, or allow her to determine your whereabouts. “De-triangle” by openly addressing her accusations. I’d suggest a face-to-face meeting with the mother and child (without dad) would be a good idea. This sabotage must be resisted or she will become a bitter, life-long manipulator. Refusing to visit her father is a ploy. Don’t fall for it. It is dad, not you, who is in the hot seat. I hope he is careful not to give the child more power then she can handle.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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May 22, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am getting married in a few months for the second time. I have two sons (8 and 10) and she has a daughter. My children do not live with us but she has her daughter who pays irregular visits to the child’s father. I want her ex to be more consistent or to not be in the picture at all. We sit around waiting for him to decide what he wants to do before we can make any plans. My fiancé cannot seem to see how selfish this is. Please help.”
You will face much bigger hurdles....
is not “in the picture” for you and nor should he be “out” of the picture simply to make your life easier. Get used to the idea that your soon-to-be wife’s ex-husband is an integral part of his daughter’s life. Until a court of law decides the man is unfit to fill his role as the child’s father I’d suggest you do all you can to make the child’s relationship with her father as uncomplicated as possible.
Yes. Of course you and your fiancé, together, ought to have a conversation with him about how he may assist in making all of your lives less complicated. Be assured your upcoming marriage will confront you with far more complex situations than this one.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Re-marriage, Reactivity |
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May 19, 2009
by Rod Smith
Call me...
It’s the petty jealousies, I’ve noticed, are often the heart of the gravest discord. A venture fails, a woman cuts off from her family, a teacher walks out of a school never to return; a business office is plagued with inter-personal struggles. Examine it. Get to the heart of the matter. I bet you it started with someone being overlooked.
Another got the praise. A name was omitted. Thanks went to the “wrong” people. The office with a view – the larger company car, the newest computer, the high-back desk chair – went to a more junior employee. It’s these matters, not graver concerns that are usually at the heart of discontent.
I am sure the White House and other centers of power are similarly contaminated with petty jealousies. The “I’ve-known-the-president-longer-than-you” kind of talk probably occurs as frequently in those hallowed halls as parallel themes surface (or fail to surface) in your boardroom, staff room, or at your breakfast table.
To desire recognition is human. To ruin relationships when it is not forthcoming is a sad commentary on one of the many complexities that come with the package of being human.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening |
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May 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
Get out of the middle!
(short-fuse living, attacking, failing to listening, assuming you know what others are saying anyway, harboring damages, gossiping, transmitting unhelpful or damaging information, being sarcastic) usually hurts others and our relationships.
Responsiveness, on the other hand (embracing and listening to what others are saying before responding or acting, allowing the full story to be told without making judgments, holding onto ourselves in the face of trouble or anxiety and the anxieties of others, not falling when all the other dominoes are falling) usually helps heal others and our relationships.
Yet it is important to realize that responsive people or those persons whose behavior is usually characterized by being responsive, did not get there by sheer willfulness or determination. Becoming a “non-anxious presence” is the result of the long, and often very slow work of making peace with every possible relationship and human connection (past and present) a person has. Reactivity (anxiety) and Responsiveness (non-anxiety) are not willful choices but rather the product of individual journeys.
Finally, reactive behavior and responsive behavior are not “bad” and “good” respectively. A person can be display both. A parent can be viciously reactive if a child is threatened (appropriate) and yet warm, nurturing, and protective toward the same child all in an instant.
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Reactivity, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles |
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May 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
Call me for your Leadership workshop
(school, church, business, sports team, newsroom) is fraught with possibility and with challenge. The wiser leader expects:
1. Sabotage from areas where it is least predictable or expected.
2. Chaos in at least a few, or even in many, areas of the organization.
3. Trails that sometimes lead to no useful destination.
4. Trials that waste time, energy, and other resources.
5. Seduction into focusing on the irrelevant as the irrelevant stubbornly vies for recognition while giving the appearance of utmost importance.
6. Seduction into the illusion of total control.
7. Approximation of what is possible and viable in exchange for expecting perfection.
8. Power to be shared, offered, that true serendipity and creativity may occur.
9. Transmission of his or her personal, domestic, or moral struggles to emerge in the life of the people who serve the organization.
10. To resist the natural push from within the organization to be all consuming of the leader’s time, talent, and resources.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles |
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May 9, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My mother-in-law and my husband are constantly at each others necks. We were having a prayer at home one night and he told her not to do something because he would do it later but she did it anyway. When he asked her about what she did she denied it but after some questioning she admitted it. Then things blew out of proportion and both said things they regret. I know that they must forgive each other but they are too stubborn. She tells me that it’s not my problem but she makes sarcastic remarks and seldom speaks to me. My husband is also short tempered when people do something wrong. He feels that she lied to him. I feel uneasy to be at her home. I told her if they can’t sort it out then we will move out. She says that if we are not happy living there then we should go.” (Edited)
Get out of the middle!
It’s not your problem. Try to stay out of it. While staying out of it, I know, is easier said than done, getting yourself in the middle of an age old conflict will only ultimately render you “enemy” to both, and have you feeling even more helpless. I am willing to bet the two of them have been dancing this dance long before you married into the family.
Quite apart from this futile squabble I’d suggest it is time you and your husband establish your independence. But, watch out, if your husband does not grow up a little and get these petty tensions with his mother somewhat resolved, he will most certainly, once you are on your own, begin to wrestle with you in the very same way he now does with his mother. Yesterday’s unresolved issues unfailingly emerge in today’s relationships and thus we end up fighting ancient battles with those who were not even in our lives when the conflict began.
Posted in Anger, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, In-laws |
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May 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
May you grow and grow...
1. You are less dependent on others yet have a growing awareness of how you fit into the bigger picture of your immediate family and community.
2. You genuinely regret past errors and are vigilant not to repeat them.
3. You possess the foresight to know that moving on with your life is a necessary part of growth no matter how grievous your past mistakes may have been.
4. You want success in every area of your life but not at the cost of your integrity.
5. Within reason you resist saving, rescuing, or protecting others (even those whom you love) from the natural consequences of their own behaviors.
6. You are comfortable with your many and varied roles in life and are unafraid to play your part to the full.
7. As far as it is within your realm of influence and power, you are at peace with all people.
8. You forgive everyone, everything, all the time, even when it is not requested and when forgiveness is undeserved – and yet, despite this, you are not the proverbial doormat.
9. You know when and how to express your voice and when it is necessary to remain silent.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Leadership, Listening |
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