May 31, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. To be the most generous person you know.
2. To hold everything you own with an open hand.
3. To share everything you know with willingness.
4. To do all you can to empower the people within your circle of influence.
5. To be able to say “yes” more than “no” to the adventures that come your way (Ed Friedman)
6. To have the capacity to “see beyond” the limitations set by your family history, your nationality, and your faith story.
7. To be able to live within your means.
8. To embody forgiveness, freedom, and grace for all who will repeatedly and naturally attempt to sabotage you as you live your full and passionate life.
9. To embrace your dark side (everyone has one) by trying to understand it, accept it so that it will not need to push itself onto your center-stage and take you by surprise in response to your denial of its presence.
June 1st, 2010: Today our journey to Australia and Singapore begins. Traveling in the USA used to be a pleasure. Now it is usually a nightmare: no food on domestic flights, heavy security, frequent flight cancellations, lots of impatient “entitled” people. You can only imagine what all this means to my two boys! Hoping for two successful connections: Chicago and San Francisco.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Young Love |
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May 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
Getting “lost” in a relationship, or over investing or over-functioning to the detriment of one’s well being, is very easy to do. The challenge of intimate relationships, including being a sibling, a son or daughter and a parent, having in-laws, growing and developing a career, is not only found in the desire for closeness, but also in the persistent challenge to maintain essential uniqueness. Unless you have both (togetherness and separateness – both at the same time and from the outset) the wheels will certainly ultimately fall off.
Becoming consumed happens between husbands and wives, parents and children, professionals and their jobs all the time. Such “losing” of oneself to another or to a job is often applauded as a mark of true commitment, dedication, the mark of a dedicated parent, spouse, or employee. In truth, distinctness, uniqueness, self-awareness, maintaining integrity, while also being deeply coupled or committed, is the mark or challenge of maturity.
If you do not define yourself in any relationship the relationship will define you. If you do not tell the world who you are and what you want, the world around you will impose its anxious shape upon you.
If you err on the side of deep connection, work on your uniqueness. If you tend toward independence, increase your capacity for deeper connection.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust |
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May 23, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Rules of engagement” for conflict between friends and lovers and members of the family:
1. We fight to love each other more powerfully while understanding that conflict is sometimes necessary to remove or negotiate our way around natural restrictions that come in the way of all love.
2. We fight to better understand each other and because some deeply seated beliefs and positions are only clarified through benign conflict.
3. We do not fight to hurt, damage, or destroy but rather to clarify thinking, to define ourselves more clearly, and therefore, to see each other more fully.
4. When we fight we do not bring old issues into the fray, triangle others onto our side, or hide behind Scripture or other sacred writing.
5. When we fight we do not use stereotypes about men or women, race, creed, culture, or nationality.
6. We put a time limit on our conflicts, agreeing that the necessary conflict will not pervade every part of our relationship. Troubles in parts of our relationship do not need to contaminate the whole.
7. When we fight we will always give each other the benefit of the doubt, the offer of complete forgiveness, and an open dialogue free of cynicism, sarcasms, and retribution.
8. We will agree to disagree, respect our differences, and embrace our similarities. (From Gail S. Gibbons)
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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May 19, 2010
by Rod Smith
When dealing with difficult situations or difficult people…..
1. Your responses are more important than the difficulties or the problems presented. You can choose to escalate (step up) the anxiety or embrace and reduce it (step down). The latter is usually infinitely more productive, although at times, purposefully escalating issues can bring necessary change. It takes wisdom to know the difference.
2. Knee-jerk, reactive behavior will usually hurt you, while planned, creative, and honest responses will facilitate resolution and healing – if resolution and healing are even possible.
3. Not all conflicts can be resolved, nor can all painful or destructive circumstances be healed – but it is possible to allow everything we face to become a transformational crucible, a context that stimulates growth, provokes change, and transforms our character. “What can this teach me?” is a more useful response than, “How can I win?”, “How can I be vindicated?” or “How can I get out of this?”.
4. It is helpful to acknowledge that some people are so toxic, destructive, bitter, or disillusioned that resolution is impossible – and it is better to sever the relationship than it is to play with their fire. By the way, they are often the “nicest” people. Beware of nice! Be even more aware of “religious and nice.” It is often a calculated front. (“Buite blink; binne stink!” This is an Afrikaans idiom: “Outside sparkles; inside stinks.”)
5. As a general rule grace and flexibility will triumph over resentment and rigidity, forgiveness is always more powerful and liberating than harboring resentments.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Meditation, Responsive people, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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May 17, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Please tell me how to love myself more than I love others. I just don’t know how. I don’t want to become selfish and rude.”
Take full responsibility for your own life.....
self-love (abdication) IS selfish and rude. Loving yourself, part of which entails taking full responsibility for yourself, is not. I am not attempting to persuade my readers to become pushy, self-centered, or demanding. I am simply suggesting that readers do not put their own lives on hold while loving or caring for another.
Self-care, self-love, self-awareness is a prerequisite for loving anyone, or anything.
Three simple starters:
1. Stop silencing your own voice. If you do or don’t like something – say so. If you do or do not want something – say so. If your voice has been silenced for a long time expressing it might take others by surprise and you might even be made fun of by those who are accustomed to your silence.
2. Write down, in a private journal, what you want from life using twenty or fewer words. What you want may not include anyone else like “I want my husband to be kind to me”. This is wanting for him, not for you. Kindness is something he has to want!
3. Speak up (cautiously at first) about anything that causes you discomfort where your involvement runs contrary with your values.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Recovery, Responsive people, Schnarch, Triangles, Voice |
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May 16, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)
I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.
Posted in Affairs, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Recovery, Schnarch, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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May 5, 2010
by Rod Smith
1. I will not panic.
2. There are probably many options I have not considered.
3. How I respond to this will be more important than the issue itself.
4. This is not about specific people; rather it is about the environment I have allowed to develop between or among us.
5. No matter how tough things get I will not resort to lies, making others the scapegoat for any issues.
6. I will enter every conflict with the intention of facing and resolving problems and forgiving my foes.
7. I will enter tough meetings or conflicted circumstances with a spirit of humility, a desire to be a healing presence, and a set of possible solutions.
8. I will promote love and understanding, even at the expense of appearing weak or appearing “wrong”.
9. I will attempt to listen more than I talk.
10. I will not resort to insulting or humiliating others in order to support my position or strengthen my case.
11. I will be responsible for myself, and responsible to and not for others.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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May 4, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am a ‘no-name-brand woman’ you wrote about. If my husband is favouring a good mood then he will use his made up name for me but never my Christian name. When I insist it is like water off a duck’s back and he uses such a long drawn out tone that I feel like a fool. After so many years of this indifferent approach I have pulled back and do not initiate intimacy. It seems he does not need closeness in his marriage and finds being loving too much of an effort. God forbid he holds my hand in public or puts his arm around me. If we need to walk anywhere he sets the pace and I am left walking 10 paces behind. I am still attractive and have a lovely figure so why does he resent being happy and proud of his wife? He is the breadwinner and always reminds us of that fact and thinks that he provides enough and does not need to provide emotions as well.” (Edited)
You got here together! Take responsibility for cooperating with rudeness and disregard. Become an expert on your behavior, not his. Until you get a voice and are prepared to lose your marriage you will be treated with callous indifference.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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April 21, 2010
by Rod Smith
The primary error of tea (hot tea that is) etiquette is to regard it as simply a drink. It is not. It is a way of life. It is an act of celebration. When served using good china, sipped with an appropriate mystical gaze and a small, appreciative twist of the lip (extended “pinky” is optional), tea drinking is the salute of an unseen army pledging allegiance to all things refined.
To prepare the perfect cup of tea, boil the kettle, and, while the water edges toward boiling point, place teacups and saucers at the ready. Unless you are drastically ill, on your very last legs, please do not use a Styrofoam cup, a coffee mug, or even a teacup without the saucer. Such lackadaisical tea drinking should be kept in utmost privacy, never displayed in public.
Place a sugar bowl (the teaspoons nestled next to the cup and on the saucer) and milk jug around the centerpiece teapot and wait, suspended with expectation.
At the first piercing shrill of the boiling kettle, which, by the way, is music to the ears of long-time tea-drinkers, agility of mind and body are required. Much is at stake in this very brief, urgent moment. From the kettle, tip half a cup of boiling water into the teapot. Swill it around until the teapot is warm, then, in one swift movement toward the sink, rid the warmed pot of the water. The teapot yet warm, lift the teabags from their container (using one bag for each guest) and toss them into the hot water.
As the tea draws or steeps, quiet chatter might be deemed appropriate within some factions of the tea-drinking community, although I was taught to always maintain awe-filled silence.
It is at this point that milk (a mere drop) is poured into each cup. Entire populations argue that the tea precedes the milk into the cup, but I hope it is clear on which side of this chasm I sit. A little tea is poured into the cups until each has been visited perhaps three times until they are seven-eighths full. This circular motion to fill each cup with each visit ensures all participants are served a cup of tea that is equally strong. As free, somewhat uninhibited chatter naturally flows among guests, offer guests sugar. Once again, know there are factions who consider the addition of both milk and sugar an act of severe sacrilege, but many people are often very wrong about much.
Finally, an offer of tea should not be refused. If you really do not want tea, the reply to “Would you care for a cup of tea?” is “That would be really lovely thanks; I will participate later.”
Posted in Differentiation, Education, Family, Friendship |
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April 19, 2010
by Rod Smith
You, me, us -- walking the talk
1. You do all you can to avoid keeping him or her waiting, but neither of you gets bothered in the event you are kept waiting. Healthy people use “alone time” really well. In fact, they treasure it.
2. You keep short accounts, if you keep accounts at all. Healthy people are quick to forgive and to move on in the wake of conflicts and misunderstandings.
3. You sometimes, but not always, invite others to the party. You friendships are open and inviting and you want to share your best friends with many other people.
4. You can keep a confidence and you both understand the difference between a confidence and gossip. A confidence is what two people tell each other, about each other. All the rest is gossip!
5. You are made MORE you because of the friendship – you feel no need to tread softly, to minimize who and what you are, to be less, so as to not hurt your friend’s feelings.
6. You stay in touch during the week but do not interpret silence as rejection.
7. You are careful not to confuse attention or anxiety with love. Being loved by someone is not the same as having all of his or her attention, or seeing his or her anxiety spike every time you are upset or in need. It is possible to love someone and not be totally focused upon him or her or even worry about him or her.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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