August 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
“Is it possible to love you without also losing me?” expresses the inevitable tension every close relationship faces.
“Closeness” is not usually a problem for most couples. There is usually an abundance of closeness (being overly connected, intensely joined) resulting in couples being highly reactive to each other, and it is this very closeness and lack of definition between people, that, given some time, becomes uncomfortable for at least one member of the relationship.
Remaining unique, distinct and defined within the relationship is what allows healthy, freeing love to flourish.
If couples worked enduringly at remaining unique (it is never complete) and developed their separateness, while also being deeply involved in a committed relationship, then, I believe, there’d be less need to separate (“I need my space”) at a later time when the closeness inevitably feels claustrophobic and overwhelming.
Loving you is not love if the cost of loving you means losing the essence of who I am.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
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August 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Our daughter has now been married for three years to her second husband. The marriage has broken down horribly. After one counseling session he refuses to go again. He is totally absorbed in his work, sometimes doesn’t even go to bed at night. He verbally abuses and finds fault with everything our daughter says or does while she is desperately trying to make the marriage work. We have seen a dramatic change in him for the worst. He barely shows any interest in the children or the goings on in the household. Our daughter shares her heartache with us. The children are even feeling the stress in the home. My question: How can we help and how far can we get involved? Up until now we just listen but have not interfered. As parents are deeply religious and we pray every day that a miracle will happen. We want it to work! We are desperate and feel so helpless.” (Edited)
Your son in law seems trapped; your daughter appears to have lost her voice. The miracle will be that both adults find their voice (regain their lives, their dreams) whether remaining married or not. Keep listening. Keep asking her: Is this what you want for you and your children? and What will it take to get what you need?
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Communication, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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July 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
I’ve had a ‘significant other’ for 3 years. We bought a home together. He has his boys (12 and 14) half the time. I have a son (5). I am having problems with dad not taking responsibility for his boys. He has no boundaries and his children do what ever they want. When I discipline I’m ‘meddling.’ Dad does not discipline at all. I feel like I’m the guest. It’s a mess. Why are fathers so passive? It’s hard for a step-mom to do nothing. (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: The passive partner controls the relationship. While you over-function he’ll under-function!
I am willing to bet you spent more time choosing a house than discussing rearing children! You are NOT the stepmother without marriage – and will have no legitimate role with his children without a marriage to their father.
But, I’d suggest marriage is not the answer to this co-created mess. Your mess is not only a result of his passivity, but also a result of your apparent failure to open your eyes before making such a big move!
Bold, blind moves got you to this point. It will take bold, brave moves to get out! I hope this can be acheived without excessively hurting the children.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Communication, Family, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Voice |
1 Comment »
July 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
My daughter (16) wants to spend the night on some weekends at her boyfriend’s (16) house. My husband is dead set against it and this causes a mini cold war in our house. Her boyfriend’s parents are very kind people who are very capable of supervising our daughter and their son – but it still makes my husband very uncomfortable. My husband is not the kind of man to express his views but expects me to be the go-between. What should we do? (Edited)
Your letter offers no indication of your opinion regarding your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend and his family. It is clear that you have become the appointed spokesperson. I’d suggest you remove yourself from the middle of this triangle and let your husband and daughter speak to each other about his concerns. Personally, I’d rather err on the side of trusting too much than err on the side of trusting too little.
Of paramount importance is that you keep lines of communication open between your daughter and you – and that will be next to impossible while you are an agent of your husband’s anxiety.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
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June 28, 2007
by Rod Smith
“The man I am living has a son but when we moved in together I did not think he would be living with us and only see his mother every other weekend. His dad goes easy on him and that’s okay. When I try to say something I’m the bad guy! He told his dad and grandma that I am mean. I just don’t let him get away with stuff like his dad and others do. I have 3 children who know that I don’t let them get away with stuff. The man I am with does not see that his son is running his life. I have been going through this for three years. Please help.” (Edited for clarity)
Three years is a long time to be in a power-struggle with a boy! While you are not married to the father the child will always win. Actually, when you are married, too, your “power” over the father and the son will also be rather limited.
This said, you now occupy no legal position in the family and therefore the father has no motivation to hear what you are trying to say, or to see what it is you see in his son’s behavior.
Give up the struggle. Let the dad and grandma be the “good guys.” Become “silent guy” (regarding the child’s behavior) until you are legally empowered to play your part.
Before I am deluged with mail and told I am advocating for the child to have no boundaries, or advocating lawless behavior for the child, please note, it is not the child who has the issue.
The woman wants power (I am sure for “good” reasons) over the child which she simply does not have. The person who does have the power (the dad), is choosing not to use it!
Marriage might not change anything, but at least it will give dad some incentive to hear his wife about the child.
A legal contract DOES make a difference to a relationship. The woman’s status will change even if the boy’s behavior does not!
Posted in Blended families, Communication |
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June 28, 2007
by Rod Smith
In further response to yesterday’s question from a mother and a son (13) who is ‘causing conflict in my new marriage.’ As quoted yesterday, the mother says, ‘I don’t think it has anything to do with his father. We’ve been divorced for eleven years. My son doesn’t see, or want to see, his dad at all. His dad doesn’t contact him so it is not that he wants us to get back together. The constant bickering is driving me insane,’ and ‘I’m at a point were I will pack my bags and leave.’
That a child does not see the “other” parent, or declares this is not something he or she wants to do – does not mean the absence of the other parent is not (partially) driving the child’s unwanted behavior. I’d suggest this boy has little or no idea why he is doing what he is doing, and that a professional could help him discover new and helpful ways to behave.
This is a “new” marriage for the mother; therefore it is also a new family arrangement for the boy. He’s occupying a new place in relation to his mother, which is enough reason for difficulty in itself. The least helpful action the mother could do is pack her bags and leave the very situation she helped create!
Posted in Children, Communication, Differentiation |
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June 28, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My son (13) is giving me problems and causing conflict in my new marriage. He treats my second husband like dirt and back chats us and blames us when he is at fault. He has reassured me that he loves my new husband but can’t help or prevent what he says. My son says that he knows what he says to us is wrong but he can’t stop himself. I don’t think it has anything to do with his father. We’ve been divorced for eleven years. My son doesn’t see, or want to see, his dad at all. His dad doesn’t contact him so it is not that he wants us to get back together. The constant bickering is driving me insane. I don’t know what to do anymore. I?m at a point were I will pack my bags and leave. Both of them know how I feel as I’ve spoken to the separately and together. Please do you have any advice for me? I’m desperate.” (Letter edited)
Rod replies: Your son’s behavior deserves professional attention. Please seek face-to-face help for the whole family so each of you might have the opportunity to speak your mind in the presence of a trained professional.
Posted in Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Marriage |
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June 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I am so sad. It is so difficult to be second-guessed. My husband tells me not to worry about it yet I can’t help but feel displaced whenever my in-laws decide to take my role (with my children) or want to criticize me. I cannot win under any circumstance. Please help me learn how to be satisfied with myself.”
It is not about “winning” as much as it is clearly defining yourself (to your husband and in-laws). Unless invasive people (people with poor boundaries) hear a clear statement regarding your boundaries, they will invade your life and family, and their invasions will grow progressively stronger.
Your husband, is appears, is unable (unwilling) to assist you. He apparently wants to avoid necessary confrontation required to clearly separate his “new” family (primary responsibility) from what was his family (secondary responsibility).
Being more satisfied with yourself will emerge from within many aspects of your life as you make your voice known to your children, husband and in-laws. These encounters of self-definition need not be negative to be effective. Using playfulness is a good place to start. Thereafter, you might need to be more assertive if you are going to be heard. It takes a life-time to be heard, I’d suggest you start voicing your thoughts and feelings as soon as possible.
Posted in Communication, In-laws, Voice |
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June 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My girlfriend lied about having leukemia to get sympathy and to make me feel like I was important to her. Not only was that odd, but she used to spend time with an unsavory character who was always with women. She claimed he was her best friend and that she understood him differently than anyone else. I know they were also sexually active on the side. Talk about hurt from my first girlfriend and the girl who was my first intimate experience. Suicide definitely crossed my mind when I found all this out.” (Edited for general audience)
Rod’s Reply: Suicide would have served no good purpose. Perhaps you will exercise some caution the next time you fall in love. It seems your former girlfriend is a troubled woman and your escape from her influence can only be good for both of you.
Posted in Communication |
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May 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
I am getting married to a woman whose ex-husband treats me like dirt. He comes into her house unannounced (she unlocks the when she knows he is close to the house) to pick up their son (9) and totally ignores me. Now he’s told the child to phone him whenever the son thinks his mother and “her new boyfriend” argue. My girlfriend is afraid to take a stand because tension upsets the child. In the meantime I am left watching all this like a silent bystander. I can’t comment because that too will upset the son. I am not sure I can live like this. Something has to change. Please help. (Situation reconstructured)
Rod’s response: You are right. Something has to begin to change or you will find yourself in a horrible bind. I’d suggest you request a meeting with the ex-husband to discuss these matters. He must have some redeeming qualities since you have both loved the same woman.
Assuming he wants the very best for his son, one could hope he’d want a discussion with his son’s new step-dad. Call me naïve, but I think it is worth a try. You will be treated like dirt if you yourself refuse to talk up for yourself and allow people to walk all over you.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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To become authentically closer to your lover, and to develop greater intimacy with that person, work conscientiously at your separateness from him or her. This is, I believe, is the most challenging behind-the-scenes issue of every intimate relationship.
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