1. Blind you from the real issues you and your family are facing.
2. Distort your thinking either by amplifying or by minimizing the real issues.
3. Make you inordinately suspicious of others and so you create “necessary” enemies.
4. Make you inordinately trusting of a few in whom you place all your trust.
5. Suck all the energy out of you so you can hardly function, or,
6. Shift you into a high gear of over-functioning (doing for sake of doing) until you all but collapse in exhaustion.
7. Make you overly nice (superficially pleasant, kind, or generous) in order to keep people from wondering what is really going on with you.
8. Isolate you from the people who love you so that you are “outside” of the walls of your own helpful, loving community.
9. Keep you up at night so you are rendered too tired to function well during the day.
10. Drive you to temporary relief found in substances, alcohol or unhelpful sexual or damaging religious activity.
Non-specific (generic) anxiety (worry) serves no useful purpose but to —
My ex-wife tries to dominate me…..
“My ex-wife still tries to dominate me and interfere in my life. I have moved on and have a new woman. My teenage daughter and I have a very good relationship but whenever my ex-wife is around I am reminded why I divorced her. How do I get her to understand she is divorced and must get a life of her own?”
Your mutual connection, the daughter whom you co-parent, will remain integral to both of your lives. It will therefore be to the advantage of all concerned if you remain kind, forthright and strong in all of your dealings with the woman whom you once loved enough to marry.
Include your “new woman” in as many interactions with your ex-wife as possible. This will serve as a constant reminder to your ex-wife that you have, in fact, moved on.
As an aside, I’d suggest that while your ex-wife’s behavior continues to elicit a strong reaction from you, you may not have “moved on” as much as you might think.
You remain as powerless over your ex-wife as you were when you were yet married. I’d suggest you take time to evaluate the reasons she can so effectively get under your skin. What is it about you, that her behavior so gets to you?
You get what you want…..
Did you hear about the mother who complained her children were always in her hair? Now that her son and daughter are adults she can’t get them to return her phone calls. They are out of much more than her hair.
What about the dad who buried himself in his work just to find some peace and quiet? Now that he’s retired and his adult children are living such busy lives he never sees them. The peace he craved is driving him crazy. He had no idea quietness could be so loud and unsettling.
Then there’s the one about the mother who complained the children slowed her down in the mornings making her late for everything. Now, with nowhere to go, she’s never late for anything. Her daughter texts her saying, “Can’t talk. Will phone next week.” Her son ignores her voicemails altogether.
And while these scenarios are birthed in my mind, the situations are very real. Go to any retirement home and you’ll hear tales of abandonment and woe. But here’s the really scary part: in so many ways we get what we want, and then discover we didn’t want it that much in the first place.
Will our grandchildren have issues….?
“Our daughter is seeing a man and with a bad track record. She has already been married once before. The problem we have is the impact her life has upon her children. The children (9 and 7) are torn between their mother, father, and the new man. They want to be loyal to all the adults in their lives but it seems no one stays for very long. The children get let down constantly. As grandparents we try to be as consistent as possible without interfering in our daughter’s affairs. Our only issue is the amount it affects the lives of our grandchildren and we often talk about how this will impact their relationships one day.”
Like each adult must, you grandchildren will face their individual histories and have to decide to make the best of what they have been offered.
Few people, without considerable work, can break the orbit a parent provides and so, yes, it is likely (although by no means inescapable) that your grandchildren will face some relational issues in their futures.
Continue to provide the sound platform you do provide, and trust the children to gain progressive and helpful insight into their lives.
Your job is to continually expose them to what is possible in a healthy relationship.
Because I am your friend I will…
1. Be aware of the unique, honored position I have in your life, and regard it with the respect it deserves.
2. Hear you, even if you are telling me things I’d rather you not say.
3. Be willing to disagree with you, when, in my estimation, you are wrong, off target, or unfair in your actions or thinking.
4. Forgive you when you hurt me, even though I will sometimes make it very clear to you how the hurt occurred.
5. Expect the very best of you and applaud your use of all of your skills and talents.
6. Tell you the truth as I see it, as kindly, efficiently, and succinctly as possible.
7. Live my life as purposefully as possible in my daily journey toward fulfilling the deepest, most powerful yearnings of my head and heart.
8. Be generous to you (without giving you money) and be kind to you (without trying to solve your problems).
9. Not inflict my anxiety upon you.
10. Stand on my own two feet without pushing you over.
11. Engage you in necessary conflict that I may love you more powerfully.
12. Speak well of you in every circumstance.
Here I stand: help for those estranged in a family…
Are you estranged from a family member? Here, modified according to your needs* and circumstances, and expressed in your own words and style, is the gist of offering a “Here I Stand” challenge:
“Here I stand, my son, despite our painful history, desiring to be a loving parent and grandparent to you and to your children. Given the opportunity of inclusion, I will work hard at correcting my past ills. If you choose to see me I will not:
- Speak ill of anyone, not immediate or distant family, not of people from past relationships, or anyone newly incorporated into your life.
- Be shaming, demanding, or accusatory.
- Make unreasonable requests of you, or want anything from you that you are not willing to offer.
- Be impatient with you, but will rather seek to be affirming, kind, and light-hearted. I will regard a relationship with you and your children as a treasured gift.
“My continued desire to be included in your life and family is not an attempt to manipulate you, but rather to minimize future regret. You, an adult, get to choose the level of my involvement with you, and, while I am powerless over your decisions, I hope you will decide in favor of gradual, and then complete, reconciliation with me.”
* This letter is geared for a parent estranged from an adult son and grandchildren
It was a turning point for me! Thank you……
1/4/08
Rod,
I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me during my crossroads time spent with you last week. It was such a memorable marker for my life…. a sure turning point for me! I knew that I needed a turning point and you helped facilitate that for me. It was exactly what I needed!
I am very aware that I needed to grieve the loss that I have had and that was a necessary season for me. You helped me to make sense of what could be and accept what could not be reasoned out.
Thank you for helping me see how to put closure to that part of my life. I appreciate so many words of wisdom that I was able to take with me.
But it didn’t end there, your blessing to my life will ripple further: you encouraged me to seriously think about, embrace, and step into the dreams and goals that have been laying dormant within me…to embrace my life…abundant life.
I have already started working towards some of the “heart-storm” ideas (I love that word, by the way). It is life giving and exciting to step into those areas of me. I had hope for my future, but now I also have excitement about my future. Thank you for helping me to see this.
I truly see that you have a gift and talent for facilitating healing wings and encouraging embracing abundant life. I truly wanted to do that!
During my time there, your way of working through life issues was very transforming at just the right time and season of my life. Thank you for investing into my healing and growth. Thank you for encouraging me in practical ways of “how to” pursue and embrace my life and goals.
Also, I really appreciate you transporting me from and to the airport and working out accommodations while I was there. That was very helpful! I know that you made a sacrifice with your boys to help me in this season.
Thank you so very much! Blessings to you and your sons!
Kathryn
I have a problem sibling….
“I have a problem sibling. My sister and I spent four long years not talking, much to my mom’s distress, and many other years bickering. We made up, mostly for my mother. It didn’t seem fair to me that I had to humble myself and beg her to let things go (even though the whole thing was almost entirely her fault) but I did it for the sake of family harmony. My children wanted to see their cousin (her son). We are now on speaking terms, but because of distance we only see each other once a year. She drives me crazy, but for that one short visit I just suck it up and smile.”
Congratulations. You are no doubt stronger and wiser for your humility and your enduring acts of reconciliation. As a result of your efforts your mother is potentially less anxious and your children get to see and know their cousin: everyone, including you, appears to gain.
It is not who caused the issue or the division that is as important as who is strong enough to facilitate the healing.
Besides, let’s remain aware: it takes at least two to tangle! (No, I did not mean to say “tango.”)
Try (also) liking the people you love….
Sometimes liking (enjoying, being pleased to see) someone is even more powerful than loving someone. I’ve met a few men and women who, in trying to sound magnanimous or even holy who have declared: “I really love my son (or my husband, daughter, in-laws, pastor) but I just don’t like him (her, them) right now.”
Great! Thanks. What does one do when one is on the receiving end of such a “compliment”?
If you do not like a particular person whom you also confess to love, I’d suggest you have some homework to complete.
What is it about you that you cannot reconcile these two distinctly different responses (love and dislike) within you, when it comes to the very same person?
Of course, I understand that people whom we love can and will do some detestable things and sometimes must be censured for their objectionable behavior. But is confessed dislike the helpful response?
My challenge is, and I direct it as much to myself as I do to readers: work on yourself to the place where you like and also love the very same people.
difficultrelationships.com 