May 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
Get out of the middle!
(short-fuse living, attacking, failing to listening, assuming you know what others are saying anyway, harboring damages, gossiping, transmitting unhelpful or damaging information, being sarcastic) usually hurts others and our relationships.
Responsiveness, on the other hand (embracing and listening to what others are saying before responding or acting, allowing the full story to be told without making judgments, holding onto ourselves in the face of trouble or anxiety and the anxieties of others, not falling when all the other dominoes are falling) usually helps heal others and our relationships.
Yet it is important to realize that responsive people or those persons whose behavior is usually characterized by being responsive, did not get there by sheer willfulness or determination. Becoming a “non-anxious presence” is the result of the long, and often very slow work of making peace with every possible relationship and human connection (past and present) a person has. Reactivity (anxiety) and Responsiveness (non-anxiety) are not willful choices but rather the product of individual journeys.
Finally, reactive behavior and responsive behavior are not “bad” and “good” respectively. A person can be display both. A parent can be viciously reactive if a child is threatened (appropriate) and yet warm, nurturing, and protective toward the same child all in an instant.
Posted in Anxiety, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Reactivity, Responsive people, Therapeutic Process, Triangles |
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May 14, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I usually end up almost doing my son’s homework for him. This makes my husband very angry. it causes conflict within our family. My son (11) is bright but I do admit he is often lazy. What should I do?”
Divided attention!
The child has no incentive to do his homework while you run interference on his behalf. Unless your son has some diagnosable learning challenge (and even then doing his homework for him is unlikely to be the prescribed treatment) I’d suggest you leave everything about your son’s progress at school up to your son.
Without desiring to insult or offend you, or any parent, I’d suggest that your behavior possibly suggests you are overly involved with your son to the point of neglecting your own well being. Healthier parenting, in my opinion, would offer a child divided attention (I did not really mean “undivided”) given that the sooner children take full responsibility for their own lives, the better life is for everyone in the families.
(Papers edited me, thinking I must surely mean UN-divided attention).
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family, Listening, Love, Parenting/Children |
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May 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
Call me for your Leadership workshop
(school, church, business, sports team, newsroom) is fraught with possibility and with challenge. The wiser leader expects:
1. Sabotage from areas where it is least predictable or expected.
2. Chaos in at least a few, or even in many, areas of the organization.
3. Trails that sometimes lead to no useful destination.
4. Trials that waste time, energy, and other resources.
5. Seduction into focusing on the irrelevant as the irrelevant stubbornly vies for recognition while giving the appearance of utmost importance.
6. Seduction into the illusion of total control.
7. Approximation of what is possible and viable in exchange for expecting perfection.
8. Power to be shared, offered, that true serendipity and creativity may occur.
9. Transmission of his or her personal, domestic, or moral struggles to emerge in the life of the people who serve the organization.
10. To resist the natural push from within the organization to be all consuming of the leader’s time, talent, and resources.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles |
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May 6, 2009
by Rod Smith
Enrich all your mothers
I challenge you to do something exceptional for all your mothers (biological, adopted, step, chosen, in-law, teachers) and for any woman you have met along your life’s journey who has cared for you, be it even briefly.
When planning your gift or acknowledgment be creative, unusual, specific, and honest. Scare yourself with your own generosity of spirit and courage.
And, – you’ll know you’ve have excelled in your efforts if “Mother’s Day 2009” is engraved in the hearts of all whom you know and all whom you love because of your extraordinary actions. Yes, celebrate the one woman who gave birth to you, and the army of women who have helped fashion your life.
Finally, resist the thinking I have heard in some circles that celebrating Mother’s Day somehow alienates or offends women who are not mothers. Help the offended or potentially offended woman to see that she has, or has had a mother, whether she is herself one or not!
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family, Grace, Love, Parenting/Children |
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May 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
May you grow and grow...
1. You are less dependent on others yet have a growing awareness of how you fit into the bigger picture of your immediate family and community.
2. You genuinely regret past errors and are vigilant not to repeat them.
3. You possess the foresight to know that moving on with your life is a necessary part of growth no matter how grievous your past mistakes may have been.
4. You want success in every area of your life but not at the cost of your integrity.
5. Within reason you resist saving, rescuing, or protecting others (even those whom you love) from the natural consequences of their own behaviors.
6. You are comfortable with your many and varied roles in life and are unafraid to play your part to the full.
7. As far as it is within your realm of influence and power, you are at peace with all people.
8. You forgive everyone, everything, all the time, even when it is not requested and when forgiveness is undeserved – and yet, despite this, you are not the proverbial doormat.
9. You know when and how to express your voice and when it is necessary to remain silent.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Leadership, Listening |
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April 19, 2009
by Rod Smith
My brother is going to live in the UK. I have not seen much of him since his wedding day when he married a rather spoiled, sometimes spiteful woman. I would like to say a few things to him about his wife and explain why I have not been in contact. I know I will miss him. It already feels like he has been gone for a long time. Please help.
Write to me...
Do not, under any circumstances, take your brother aside for any explanation regarding your lack of contact. Your attendance at the wedding affirmed the union. If you did not agree with his choice of bride you should have made this clear before the wedding and then not have attended the wedding.
Eat humble pie and embrace your brother and his wife as soon as possible. His wife may well be “a rather spoiled, sometimes spiteful woman” but she is your sister-in-law and he is your brother. It is time for you to create the kinds of memories that will enrich your family rather than give you fuel for future regret.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships |
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April 6, 2009
by Rod Smith
Infidelity is hard to forgive. Not forgiving it is harder. One is a severe punch. The other is a double whammy, its impact potentially outlasting the memory of the betrayal.
Unwillingness to forgive is often the only thing onto which a slighted spouse can hold, the only available ammunition to make a spouse pay. It’s easy to understand. Logical. It’s predictable. But, it ferries undesirable consequences.
Resentment might feel like a good and effective tool to hurt a partner for misdeeds, but it will make you most unattractive. Bitterness might be the most prevalent and obvious
emotion to feel, to use, but it will persistently eat you from the inside, leave you feeling even angrier, even more powerless over your life. Then, apart from punishing your spouse, they (resentment and bitterness) will punish you and contaminate all your relationships. In short, they have no boundaries and they are on a mission to deface all that is good and pure.
Who, from any arena of your life, wants to engage a bitter and resentful person in anything meaningful? His or her infidelity might make a spouse untrustworthy, but your resentment and bitterness will ultimately make you most unattractive!
A partner’s infidelity may rob you of trust, rob you of the sacredness of what you had in marriage, but given time, given time to hurt and to express feelings of appropriate anger, I suggest you relinquish your legitimate right to be angry, and forgive.
This is the high road. And your inner beauty will be strengthened, your light will once again begin to shine. And, your unfaithful spouse will no longer be in control of you or your future whether you remain married or not.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Marriage, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery |
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March 24, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My wife insists on doing our son’s homework with him almost to the point that she is more involved in it that he is. This annoys me and I have to even leave the house when she over does it. ‘He is only ten,’ she says, ‘and he needs all the encouragement that he can get.’ I say he needs to learn to work on his own. Please help.”
Your reaction will become “glue” for your wife and son, and it will fuel your wife’s zeal. Air your views, offer your son your own form of help and support, and then back off. If you “get between” the mother and her son, both will use the alliance in a manner that is counter-productive to overall family health. Here’s the axiom: resist getting in the middle of relationships that you are not part of. Now before I am deluged with mail, let me explain: your wife and son’s relationship is separate from the relationships you enjoy with each of them. Stay out of it – but, at the same time, invest totally in what you enjoy with each.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family |
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March 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
“For the past almost four years I have been living a lie. My husband has no idea that I am involved with my boss. His wife is oblivious to our relationship. If I bring this all out in the open it will destroy two families. What can I do?”
There are no easy answers to this difficult circumstance – but your secret liaison is distorting your view of everything. Understandably, you appear to want to fix something while also keeping it hidden – and I am not sure this is possible. A good place to begin would be with removing yourself from the predatory behavior (it is predatory BECAUSE he is the boss) of your boss. Resign. Look for another job. Do whatever it takes to come out from under his influence. Way will lead to way – and, while you are yet under his spell, you will not be able to see your way forward. Come clean first with yourself. Then we can start to talk about what needs to be done about the other victims in this sad scenario.
Posted in Affairs, Boundaries, Communication |
1 Comment »
March 11, 2009
by Rod Smith
1. To work hard in groups and to work hard alone.
2. To identify the correlation between work and achievement.
3. To freely and regularly express gratitude.
4. To connect behavior and choices with consequences.
5. To save.
6. To find his or her voice and to use it appropriately.
7. To use his or her imagination.
8. To respect elders, teachers, and persons in authority.
9. To be able to apologize and to forgive.
10. To take full responsibility for his or her own future.
11. To value the past as a springboard to the future.
12. To know that fulfillment is an “inside job.”
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Family, Leadership, Listening, Parenting/Children |
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