October 8, 2013
by Rod Smith
“With regards to your article of 10/7/2013: Times are tough right now globally. We here in Durban have not been spared. Allowing someone into your home for a month is well within the spirit of Ubuntu.”
Allowing an adult woman and her mother into ones home for a month would indeed express the spirit of hospitality, generosity, and openness typically associated with the spirit of Ubuntu – if both the decision makers in the home were comfortable in seeking to offer such hospitality.
The husband’s spirit of Ubuntu surely loses its power and meaning, and is perhaps therefore not an expression of Ubuntu at all, when it is expressed at the cost of his wife’s well being.
Hospitality, like generosity, and charity, begins at home.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Marriage |
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April 24, 2013
by Rod Smith
A man responds to the column of April 22, 2013 about being a stepfather…..
“You are correct. You will never replace you step children’s father. The children did not ask for the divorce or for you to be in their lives. Their mother will never put you ahead of her children, nor should she.”
I hear often that a mother will never place the new husband (in fact even the children’s father) before the children.
This is often touted as “good mothering.” While no counselor would suggest a parent ought to neglect children, there is a distinct difference between being a parent and a partner. It is a very healthy parent who exercises the difference.
There are conditions under which it is a healthy for parents to allow their primary commitment as a spouse to take priority over their commitments as a parent. Yes, you read correctly!
Just as it is a travesty to neglect a child, it is also a travesty to neglect a spouse, especially in the name of “putting the children first.”
I’ve seen parents hide behind “putting the children first” as a means to avoid the bravery required to be a full and functioning partner.
Sometimes it’s good for children to be in second, even third, or fourth place!
Posted in Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Family Systems Theory, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice |
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September 13, 2012
by Rod Smith
Therapists often get a bad rap. It’s often suggested therapists lead clients to “navel gaze” or blame their parents. I have heard amusing tales of therapists who apparently sit and passively listen and offer random, affirming utterances. You’ve probably seen the cartoons.
My own approach is eclectic, which, by the way, in the therapy world, is cool.
I can be very active in sessions.
I can be very quiet.
I draw lots of flowcharts (also called Genograms), prescribe books, and offer challenges.
I (almost) NEVER ask people how they feel and I spend zero time cultivating empathy.
Whether I fully identify with a client is not nearly as important as the ability to stimulate a client into action on his or her own behalf.
All this said, there are things worthy of good, solid navel-gaze:
- Are you being the healthiest member of your family (or group) you are able to be?
- Are you regularly using your developed skills and strengths?
- Are you blaming others for anything?
- Have you abdicated your God-given power over any part of your life?
- Are you exercising illegitimate power over anyone?
- Are you harboring resentment?
- Are you exercising “downward mobility” by seeking to serve rather than be served?
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Family Systems Theory |
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August 19, 2012
by Rod Smith
Red flags
“I am so lonely and unhappy alone.”
“I don’t really know what I want I just know I want to be married.”
“All I want to do is stay home and give my life to my children.”
“He is the spiritual leader of our home and so he makes all the decisions.”
Green flags
“It would be really fun to be in a romantic relationship but I can’t imagine a life that is more fulfilling than the one I already have.”
“I want to have a sound education, land a job I can love, and marry someone as happy and fulfilled as I am.”
“Of course I will love and care for my children but making them the center of my universe is unlikely to be good for the children or for me.”
“I give up thinking for no one, especially not my husband. Both of us need my brain to be fully functioning.”
Posted in Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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July 17, 2012
by Rod Smith
Is found in our connection with others (a connection sufficiently powerful so that we are not alone) and can therefore give and receive strength to and from each other. It is yet separate enough so that we not drain each other of the adventure of being unique and distinct beings. This is one of the greatest blessings accompanying our humanity and, when it fails, it becomes the source of exceedingly powerful pain.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Living together, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Single parenting, Space, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 14, 2012
by Rod Smith
1. You experience greater OBJECTIVITY and can “see” your most important relationships as if looking at them through someone else’s eyes.
2. Despite any pain, any trauma, any uncertainty, you can see some HUMOUR in what you are experiencing even if it is short lived.
3. You are progressively gathering a small community of friends who know everything (or almost everything) about you and their SUPPORT is becoming easier to trust.
4. You are seeing with greater and greater CLARITY what are and what are not your responsibilities within your most important relationships.
5.”No” comes easier and it is not accompanied by guilt. “Yes” is your response when you really want what you agree to. You begin to BELIEVE the words you say. Your words reflect you, your desires, and are not said from guilt or the impulse to keep the peace or make others happy.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 13, 2012
by Rod Smith
Love and control cannot co-exist in the same relationship anymore than light and dark can exist together in the same space at the same time.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Pornography, Responsive people, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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June 19, 2012
by Rod Smith
“You and Me” will be a little different today. You have three invitations:
1. Please send me the names of the 10 books you believe every English speaking child should read by the time he or she is 15. Please don’t refer me to website. I want your personal list of essential children’s and young adult literature. Kindly indicate “m” of “f” if necessary. Skip Potter, “Vampire” books, and anything with Chicken Soup in the title.
2. I received this yesterday from Kayise Maphalala, producer of Three Talk, SABC Television. If interested please contact Kayise at kayisem@urbanbrew.co.za:
“Three Talk is doing a show on forgiveness and one of the areas we would like to also look at is forgiveness in relationships. Would you be so kind as to recommend a couple who has gone through a difficult patch to come in and talk about the importance of forgiveness. This is for a show next to be aired on Tuesday, 26th June 2012.”
3. I have “pushed” Passionate Marriage (David Schnarch) and Failure of Nerve (Edwin Friedman) for years as the best books on (respectively) relationships and leadership. What books am a missing on these two topics? Please send me your suggestions. It is summer in the USA. I have vast amounts of time (I am on three months leave) for reading.
Posted in Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Schnarch, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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June 6, 2012
by Rod Smith
“My husband left me for my best friend. This not only devastated me but caused my children (and her husband and children) a lot of confusion. I don’t want things back how they were but I do want some peace of mind. Her husband has gone off the rails with anger and I have bordered on depression. How am I supposed to forgive two people who have been so close to me and who have done this bitter thing to people, including children, whom they profess to love?”
My response will focus on you and the double blow you have received.
You have lost two best friends and you have lost them to each other. They have together all of what you once enjoyed and you have none of it.
I do not write this to rub salt into the wound or to tell you what you do not already know – I write it so you may see that your loss is real and at least partially understood.
Your anger and depression is justified. Grieve, wail. Express it in any helpful way over the coming years.
At the same time (in sane, healthy moments) begin to rebuild your life.
It is possible to do both: grieve, build, grieve, and build – just not at the same moments.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination |
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June 5, 2012
by Rod Smith
Two readers respond….
“Thank-you so much for answering my question. Those are very helpful points. I think the most difficult part of divorce for me has been learning to ‘unlove’ my ex-husband. Only ONE of us changed our mind in our marriage. I made a commitment to love this man until death parted us. Perhaps it was further complicated by the fact that I had already lost one husband to death and this was my second marriage. But I am SO much healthier now, in every way. A new relationship is not my goal, but I would like that to happen ‘one day’. I feel that if I am healthy within myself, keep busy and have a full life, the right relationship will come along at some stage.”
“I believe that being “Healthily Divorced” is the ability to stand emotionally independent, yet having the ability to empathize and relate to those around you. Resentment and bitterness are probably the most hindering factors to being healthily divorced – it is perfectly possible to be divorced and respectful of the other party. Letting go of the blame and pain and striving towards an amicable solution in the face of difficult odds creates the foundation to being healthily divorced. Making another person miserable can never bring you happiness.”
Posted in Communication, Divorce, Education |
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