December 7, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My relationships begin well then I find out the person has a whole lot of baggage. If this continues I will be alone and never get married. Do you have any suggestions?”
There are worse conditions than singleness. If you do not believe me, ask any person trapped in a toxic marriage. To be lonely, and be married, must surely be far worse than being single and lonely.
Now to my suggestions: Next time you meet someone you’d like to date, demand a copy of his or her latest credit report, conduct an extensive interviews (in secret) with several of his or her former spouses or significant others, meet (in secret) with as many persons in his or her extended family as possible. Secure (secretively) and study a copy of his or her family tree. Insist on a full medical (try to talk to the doctor yourself). Having completed all of the above, and having found everything acceptable, agree to lunch in a well-lit restaurant. Drive separately.
To avoid all disappointment, remove all mystery and romance from your prospective relationship and, just to be sure, analyze everything to death. Then, if he or she sticks around, you (and I mean only you!) might have found yourself a winner.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Family |
3 Comments »
December 6, 2006
by Rod Smith
“My son (14) has had a turn-around that is hard to imagine. He is getting down to his work. He is talking with me. He is being more respectful at home and trying to have cordial conversations with me. I cannot tell you how proud I am and how glad I am that something has ‘clicked’ for him. I am living with my nerves on end about when things will change back again and he will be back to himself. Can this last?”
I am very pleased your son is “seeing the light” and responding to whatever is helping him realize that it is he who is indeed in charge of his emotions and his future. Like most parents, I am sure you have come to expect that people can go one step forward and three steps back in a very short pace of time. Affirm your son’s progress – and believe in it. Treating him as if his changes are less than real will only serve to undermine the very efforts he is attempting to make.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Love, Manipulation |
1 Comment »
December 1, 2006
by Rod Smith
My son (13) gets so angry when he is confronted about anything (school results, when he cannot go out, when he cannot be on the Internet) I know he scares himself. Last weekend my husband and son had a confrontation and he hit my husband in the face. I am glad my husband was patient with him and did not lose his temper. What should I do?
First: Decide that the parents will never resort to fighting violence with violence.
Second: Discuss that loving your son and supporting him through this troubled time is something to which you are both enduringly committed.
Third: Talk with your husband a lot about many and various topics – discussions about your son must not be permitted to dominate your every interaction – in order to establish unity that is comforting to you and obvious to your son. This expression of unity – not necessarily agreement – will become a natural protection when your family faces challenges.
Finally: During a “down time” and when things are peaceful, let your son know the despite whatever occurs among you, he is to learn to hold his temper, and to learn not to strike others. Let him know failure at self-restraint will result in the immediate need for professional intervention.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
3 Comments »
November 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.
You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.
Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.
Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.
And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.
You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.
Call Rod now…..
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence |
358 Comments »
November 21, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I am involved with a woman I have known since our early teens. She was married and got divorced. She has two children and I love them all very much. My relationships (with them) are fine but I feel great insecurity about her ex-husband. I tell myself that I must be better and bigger. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to make the feelings go away? What can my partner do to help?” (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: Insecurity is both pervasive and generic. It will rear its head whenever its host is threatened or challenged. I’d guess you’ve had similar feelings stirring within you long before you became romantically involved.
Your partner can do nothing since your feelings are your business. Don’t try to make them her business. This is not about her ex-husband.
While you compete with her former husband, your new family (if you marry) will not know you for who you are. I challenge you to establish your unique approach to love and parenting without reference to the man with whom you may share parenting responsibilities.
Your feelings will not go away until you appreciate your unique contribution to the children and their mother, a role which, at its best, will compliment the ex-husband’s role with his children.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Family, Love, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather |
1 Comment »
October 28, 2006
by Rod Smith
- You started dating before he/she had been divorced a year.
- You started dating before his/her divorce was final.
- You started dating before all the financial details of the previous marriage were completed, agreed upon, and settled.
- He/she places all blame for the breakdown of the marriage on the former spouse.
- He/she wants, or allows, sexual intimacy (with you or others) before any semblance of a relationship has had time to develop.
- He/she is cut off from his/her children, is not participating in their lives, and is not paying his/her share of child support.
- He/she is more interested in parenting your children than in parenting his/her own children.
- He/she is unable to conduct a meaningful conversation with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to the children.
- He/she talks viciously or flippantly about marriage, sex, or the opposite sex.
- He/she actively discourages you from meeting or making contact with the former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
- He/she has quickly become more to you than seems possible in such a short space of time.
- He/she tells you he/she has finally found true love in his/her relationship with you.
Posted in Boundaries, Victims, Voice |
8 Comments »
October 27, 2006
by Rod Smith
Let me know...
Some people are so angry, have been angry for so long, they would not want to be without it. It is the only way they know how to relate to the world.
Life does not have to be this way for the angry person. There is always the grace to forgive, and the choice to live in peace with all people everywhere.
Obvious manifestations of anger are outbursts of temper, resentment, and the failure to forgive. These are the easy clues to detect an angry person. More subtle expressions of anger are deep cynicism, estrangement from family and friends, the desire to self-isolate and the loss of faith in loved ones. These are as much signs of anger as is cursing at traffic.
Anger begins as scaffolding surrounding a life, but then, if it is not dealt with, if matters are not settled; if it lingers, anger can become the very structure itself.
Give some angry people a reason to forgive, to give up their anger and they are left with nothing. Anger is the lens through which they see the world, manipulate and control relationships, and without it, they become nothing.
They have sold their peace in exchange for their resentments and have forgotten that it does not have to be this way.
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Boundaries |
1 Comment »
October 24, 2006
by Rod Smith
People in Healthy Families:
1. Are spontaneous, creative, courageous, and forgiving
2. Are full of humor and laughter
3. Put people ahead of careers
4. Readily face tough issues when they arise
5. Support each other in their endeavors, and want each other to succeed
6. Believe in each other and speak highly of each other
7. Are not overly focused on each other to the point that anyone feels overcrowded
8. Can get time apart, without falling apart
9. Place a high regard on integrity in every way
10. Resist jealousy
11. Resist rescuing each other
12. Are not afraid to give children loving discipline and correction
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Single parenting, Step parenting, Teenagers |
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October 23, 2006
by Rod Smith
A reader writes:
“I want to tell you that I took your advice and had a meeting with my wife and family about how things are going and it turned out really well. I was nervous, but I told them I had a few important things to say and they all came to a meeting and then we had dinner together and went on our way. I told my sons and my daughters how proud I am of them, and I told my wife I was enjoying our retirement. I apologized for some of my bad days we had in the past and I told them that if it wasn’t or AA I could not have stopped drinking. Thanks for helping me say what I had to say before it is too late. I wish I had done it earlier.?
Rod responds:
Congratulations. Being this proactive regarding the most important relationships in your life will serve you, and your family, well. What you have done in finding sobriety, and in affirming your family, takes a lot of courage. Your acts of courage and kindness will have ramifications to be felt long after you have lived your good life.
Posted in Boundaries |
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October 17, 2006
by Rod Smith
“I wish my ex-husband were more involved in our children’s lives. He pays child support without fail and he sends birthday presents and he phones the children but he doesn’t see them very often. Even though he lives in another town it is not that far for him to come and see them but he only comes down about once a month. The children get so excited to see him but I just wish they could see him more often. He is re-married and has two more children.”
It appears that your ex-husband is meeting his financial obligations and is keeping in contact with his children. This is to be applauded. Of course you (and the children) would like his greater involvement with the children, but it appears that this is something over which you have no control.
Try to keep your focus upon being the healthiest mother you can be given the circumstances you find yourself in with your children. It is understandable that you might readily reflect upon what their father is or is not doing, but this will not do you or the children any good.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Family, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Recovery |
1 Comment »
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