What are the “red flags” when dating a divorced person?

by Rod Smith
  1. You started dating before he/she had been divorced a year.rodtwitter
  2. You started dating before his/her divorce was final.
  3. You started dating before all the financial details of the previous marriage were completed, agreed upon, and settled.
  4. He/she places all blame for the breakdown of the marriage on the former spouse.
  5. He/she wants, or allows, sexual intimacy (with you or others) before any semblance of a relationship has had time to develop.
  6. He/she is cut off from his/her children, is not participating in their lives, and is not paying his/her share of child support.
  7. He/she is more interested in parenting your children than in parenting his/her own children.
  8. He/she is unable to conduct a meaningful conversation with the former spouse regarding matters pertaining to  the children.
  9. He/she talks viciously or flippantly about marriage, sex, or the opposite sex.
  10. He/she actively discourages you from meeting or making contact with the former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
  11. He/she has quickly become more to you than seems possible in such a short space of time.
  12. He/she tells you he/she has finally found true love in his/her relationship with you.

8 Comments to “What are the “red flags” when dating a divorced person?”

  1. Great indicators, Rod! Remember: “If they’ll do it to someone else, then they’ll do it to you.”

    Andrew (“To Love, Honor and Dismay”)

  2. When is it okay to have your future step children stay at your house? My fiancé and I have been together for 8 yrs and have been engaged for 2 years. We did meet before he was divorced and his ex-wife thinks I am the reason for the divorce. She truly does not like me. He is 45yrs old and lives out of state but his children, their mom and I (33 yrs old) live in the same state. We are attempting to move to a state where his children will be moving to so we can be near them. His children are 13 and 10 and I have a good relationship with them even though I do not see them often (only when their dad is in town). I encourage their dad to visit as often as he can and make sure they have one on one time with their father. My parents are divorced and I know how important it is for kids to make sure they get special quality time with each parent. The kids’ mother does not want me to attend any school functions or sporting events for the children. I finally went to my first one after eight years this past summer with the kid’s dad and she made it extremely uncomfortable for the kids telling them their father is humiliating the family and embarrassing them by bringing me. This last visit the kids wanted to stay at my house since their dad was in for the weekend but it made their mother feel uncomfortable so they said they said they could not stay. They like me and the stability their father and I have when were together but they really don’t know me, have never met my family and we don’t take any family vacations because their mother does not feel comfortable. I don’t know what to so. My fiancé says everything will change after we get married, but will it really? Does signing a piece of paper change everything? I don’t know whether to run or hope for the best and maybe this will work itself out.

  3. A huge red flag is suspicious phone numbers. If they are talking to someone else a lot (behind your back), they are likely doing other things, as well.

  4. to bluedragonfly… You are fooling yourself if you believe that anything will change with time or with a piece of paper. If the writing is already on the wall and the precedence has been set…it will be no different when you are married. And why are you so anxious to get your “future step kids” into your house if you are not married to their father? What kind of example are you trying to set by having them in your house just because you are engaged? Engagement is nothing more than a promise. Marriage is a whole different ball game. Don’t play house with his kids. YOU AREN’T MARRIED TO THE MAN YET… and even then, you need to build a relationship with the mother whether you or HIM like it or not. She is the one those kids cling to day in and day out and out — she is the day-to-day care taker and one who disciplines, loves and guides them. Out of respect, you need to put aside whatever feelings you are having and try to build that bridge. So what if she has feelings about you. Take the hig road. You are coming into THEIR lives. You are now not only going to marry this man, but this man comes with children AND an ex wife and whether you like it or not, she needs to be respected by you and her EX…especially when it involves the kids… the person you should really be asking this question to is your fiance AND HIS ex! Those children belong to them not you or soley your future husband and that question can best be answered by your fiance and his ex who can TOGETHER help foster your new relationship with your step children.

  5. Apologies: My message was to “J” not dragonfly… Thanks

  6. I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.

  7. I lived through the humiliation of not being allowed to meet my lover’s adult children as he went through a long and protracted divorce (three years and still not settled) because this would ignite his wife and she would fight for more money if she knew about me. That was his reasoning. I could not handle this after a period of about a year as nothing seemed to be moving with the divorce although he expected me to listen to him talk about and shop for his children. I was not allowed to meet them when they came to town, I was to hide away and not show my face. I could not take it. This list helped me immensely when ever I have feelings of “I should have been more patient”

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