September 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am stuck between my in-laws and my husband. I am the ‘nice’ one who will communicate, who will visit, who will make suggestions that we meet for meals. My husband will go along with my plans and complain about it all once we are home. He just doesn’t like to be around his family and I do. It seems awful but he really doesn’t seem to like anyone and prefers to go to work and stay at home when he is not working. Believe it or not we have an excellent marriage. I just want him to go out more. What can I do?”
USA
He’s not. Let him be. Try to shift your wanting, the willfulness, the desire to implement change in another, off him and onto yourself only. This is NOT selfish, – while trying to impose change upon another, even when it is born of love, IS.
Make your own plans while sometimes inviting – not coercing – him to join you. Once you are in social settings while he is at home, neither “cover” for him nor expose him. Tell people the truth just as you have told me. There’s no crime in wanting to be home alone. Give your husband the room to make his own rhythm with his family. Clearly it is different from yours.
There is a very clear distinction between wanting and manipulating. The very minute our wanting is used to “push” other adults (or using white magic) our love shifts from love into manipulation. Do your own wanting for yourself – wanting your wants upon another is meddling, and a waste of vital energy, and it is a waste of a good want you could be spending more productively on yourself!
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 5, 2009
by Rod Smith
I am living with my boyfriend and I want to get married. He says marriage is just a piece of paper. What should I do?
USA
, you move out, or, you move him out. You tell him that marriage is important to you and you will move back after the wedding – if there is one. Inform him that there are many women who are willing to “live with” men without marriage, and that while that was once true for you, it is no longer so. Your boyfriend has been very clear about what he thinks of marriage and so you might take some time to evaluate whether or not you want to spend your future, build a home, rear children, combine resources with a man who regards a sacred commitment and a legal contract with such flippancy. What if he decides your child’s birth certificate is “just a piece of paper”, or your home or car loan is “just a piece of paper” and walks away from the related responsibilities.
ACT, Australia
for awhile and are following through with the thoughts you have been having and values you are holding. It would be good to explore them even more, perhaps in a journal or getting help from someone who can help you put words to what has brought you to this decision. Solidifying and validating what you are strongly feeling is part of walking into the change you want to see happen in your situation. Following your own value system as it is so totally different to your partner’s will be your ‘next’ step.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice |
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September 2, 2009
by Rod Smith
Draw lines carefully...
Relationships can deteriorate very quickly – and one of the two persons might feel the need to set limits or draw a “line in the sand.”
While this is often necessary, there are a few things to consider:
1. Idle threats are ineffective. If you don’t mean it, or cannot act upon it, your stand will be fruitless and your credibility will be minimized. It will make self definition much harder to achieve the next time.
2. You might not get what you want. If winning is your only option you might want to think things through a little more.
3. Don’t proclaim your stand, set limits, declare boundaries when you are angry or upset or under the influence of absolutely anything. Wait until you are calm. Have your limits well rehearsed. Your partner will expect you to behave as you have always behaved. He or she knows every trick in your book to get (from you) the kinds of responses to which you are both accustomed.
4. Don’t take a strong stand on matters not worthy of the energy. Some things are really unimportant and are just not worth the effort.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
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September 2, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life
I am struck by the frequency of letters I receive with a common theme. It goes like this.
“I have a ‘special relationship’ with my boss. He relies on me more than he does on his wife. I know more than she does about his life, business, and finances. It is totally non-sexual. It is because it is not sexual that we CAN talk about anything. He pays me less than he should but I understand. One day he will make it up when things improve. I get jealous about where he spends his time. If he wants a friend, I am his friend. When he wants to be the boss you’d think we were almost strangers. This hurts but I can’t tell him because them I sound like his wife. I can’t leave. I know too much about the business and he needs me. Yet, I am too emotionally attached. Pleas help.”
Bailing out and letting the chips fall where they may is the only option. While the boss requires a course in growing up, the employee ought to learn to get her emotional needs met outside of the workplace. Both are at fault – but the boss, being the one with the power, is responsible for the (mis)shape of the relationship.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication |
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August 27, 2009
by Rod Smith
You are where the buck stops for you.....
appears to be sadly lacking from many letters I read. Living the “blame-game” poisons vision (until it is destroyed), leads to thinking like a victim (and then behaving like one). It makes people hypersensitive (picky, irritable, short-tempered) in close relationships. Perhaps saddest of all, avoiding personal responsibility takes the fun out of living. I reverse this toxic condition (when I notice it rearing its ugly head within me) through simple, but not easy, shifts in my attitude:
1. I acknowledge that I am where I am because of my own set of choices, my own deep-seated emotional make-up, and my own complex history, and I take full responsibility for who and what I am.
2. While I cannot be held responsible for the choices others have made and which have influenced the trajectory my life, I am responsible (as an adult) for my reactions and responses to their choices.
3. I shall ask the question “what is my role in this?” when facing situations where I feel trapped by unpleasant realities or circumstances.
4. I shall remove my focus from others and what others may or may not have done, and consider my role, my part in how things develop in my life.
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August 24, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My fiancée and I are discussing wedding options. It’s my first marriage, and his third. I dreamed of a big traditional wedding but considering it’s his third, I understand he has done a ‘big wedding’ twice so a smaller wedding would be appropriate. He has two daughters and I have a son. We then got to the topic of the honeymoon his daughter (12) is adamant they should come with. I feel I should draw the line. I am already giving up the big traditional wedding and feel that I would rather have a wonderful honeymoon alone with my husband. My fiancée agrees with the children and wants them with us overseas for two weeks on honeymoon. How do I deal with this?”
USA
I can only assume your future husband feels incapable of taking a stand with his children or that he needs the diversion the children will bring. Either way this will be a rub long after the honeymoon is over.
But go ahead. Draw the line. Be aware you will probably not get your way.
More important than planning your honeymoon, I’d suggest you meet with both his ex-wives and gain some insight about how you all plan to co-parent the children.
ACT, Australia
have been through two marriages and are approaching a third. It sounds like there could be anger and insecurity within one of the daughters and perhaps the other too. You are entering a relationship where your wishes and values aren’t considered as important as future wife and potential friend of the girls. I am wondering whether seeking professional help for you both might be an option before decisions are put into place.
Midwest, USA
are made will set the tone for how the two of you will do marriage. Identify your needs and expectations before the wedding. If you allow his 12 year old daughter to dictate who goes on YOUR honeymoon, she will continue to dictate your marital relationship. Being Flexible and negotiating well are essential components in healthy families, especially when two families join. Giving up what you need or desire most of the time, however, is not.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Voice |
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August 24, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My husband is nagging me about my two to three beers every night and a few cigarettes before dinner. He is telling me that I am an alcoholic and out of control. He has convinced my children (22 and 19) that I have a ‘big problem.’ He can have his gin tonic and cigars and my kids say nothing. When I open a beer I get the dirtiest look. They are giving me a complex and my husband is using it as a power tool. I am thinking of leaving for a while as it is blown out of proportion. How do I stop this madness?”
USA
in order to drink a few beers every night may indicate alcoholism as your issue. But you are correct, two or three beers a day is no proof that you are an alcoholic. Yet, as a result of drinking your relationships are more stressed and your drinking is doing little to improve the atmosphere in your home.
If “two or three beers every night” is really not an issue then I’d suggest you stop for six months to demonstrate the powerlessness of alcohol over you. This done, your family will agree that drinking is a choice over which you have total control.
ACT, Australia
…what a profound statement you have made! After reading your email, I thought it was a great way to summarize the relational dynamics in your household. But not only in your household but everywhere, where power and control rule how we relate to one another. How we want to change another’s behavior because we are uncomfortable with our own. And how we hurt each other in the process. Your perspective is accurate – and changing the madness takes passion and courage and commitment because there is a way through.
Midwest, USA
Sometimes, although it may be hard to hear, our family, because they know us so well, are able to point out patterns of behavior that are destructive. If this is not the case, then stop drinking two to three beers nightly. You could stop altogether for a few weeks or you could limit your intake to one a night, five days a week. This should discourage the dirty looks and help you from developing a “complex” about it. If this is difficult for you to do then perhaps there is TRUTH to what they are saying. If they love you, listen to them.
Posted in Anger, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, High maintenance relationships |
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August 19, 2009
by Rod Smith
Rock the boat, don't sink it....
– the emotional and relational equivalent of parking in a different spot, using a different stairwell, climbing the stairs rather than using the elevator, or sitting at a different table. This is not to be difficult or to seek attention, but to challenge the well-worn paths that have become too comfortable and predictable for you. Shifting how you relate will be like opening the windows and letting in fresh air.
2. Re-adjust your internal GPS – you make the decisions about how you behave, what you like and dislike, what you do with your leisure opportunities, and the direction you are taking with the years ahead of you. Placing your direction, your likes and dislikes, the use of your time and resources in the hands of others is not an indication of love or friendship. It’s an abdication of personal responsibility.
3. Do what you really love to do. Become an expert in what you love. If you don’t know what you love and are good at, you will assume tasks and responsibilities outside of your set of innate skills. Repeatedly landing tasks you don’t want will bring you no joy. Knowing and doing what you love will make you an asset wherever you are, and, as an added bonus, you will be fun to be around.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Voice, Womanhood |
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August 7, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My girl friend who I want to marry is very jealous and moody but it shouldn’t be a problem. I can say nothing to her about it. If a female even brushes against me she jumps down my throat. She is always the one wanting to end the relationship even if she is wrong in a situation. What can i do about it?”
USA
Rod: Moodiness and jealousy are bottomless pits and the gateway to relationship hell. I’d bail now until your girlfriend gets suitable medical help and decides to assume the challenge of really growing up. When someone constantly threatens to end a relationship it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t play the “re-assurance game” requiring you to rebut her threats with having to repeat your desire to remain in the relationship. Assuming your “brushes” with other women are innocent, don’t modify your behavior to accommodate your girlfriend’s moodiness or jealousies. If you do, her controlling behaviors will only increase. If jealousy and moodiness are issues before you marry, they will remain and intensify after marriage. Both will require endless energy and attention from you while you believe you can do something about them. You cannot. The ONLY person who might be able to do something about them is the host – your girlfriend.
Midwest, USA
Kathryn:You CAN say something to her about it, unless you don’t mind being controlled and your life dictated to you. This certainly will become a problem that, once married, will be much worse. Jealousy is the antithesis of genuine love. It comes from focusing all your energy on another in an attempt to soothe yourself. Moodiness can be an attempt to control. Both will become tiresome very quickly. It is my suggestion that you begin discussing what effect her moodiness and jealousy have upon you before you get married. A healthy marriage is one in which both partners want the other to grow and reach their full potential in life. It is not fueled by an attempt to gain a false sense of security by having control over another. Where is the love?
Scotland
Jo: Jealousy kills love; it tries to control and manipulate others. You have a big problem. Do you respect yourself enough not to tolerate your girlfriend’s behaviour towards you? Will you draw a line in the sand and tell her it must stop? Does she love you enough to find help for her moods and her jealousy? If the answer to these questions is “yes” then maybe there is hope for your relationship. If not then the road ahead could be very tricky. A healthy marriage has a foundation of honesty and respect, even when it is difficult. Lose that and you have lost everything.
ACT, Australia
You are involved deeply with someone who doesn’t trust you. It causes me to wonder why you want to marry her. She isn’t confident in your love for her and feels she must ‘own’ you to keep you. It would be a good idea to ‘rethink’ your decision to spend the rest of your life with this lady. What you see behaviourly before marriage will only intensifies after the ceremony. Do you really want to have a lifetime of walking on eggshells when you are with her?
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships |
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August 4, 2009
by Rod Smith
“I am recently divorced and left my marital home with my son (4). The ex still lives in our marital home. He and his girlfriend (the reason for the divorce) and her kids spend most of their time at this house and so does my son. My son is acting out and wants us to go back home. It’s so difficult for me to make him understand we can’t go back. I love this child who is my absolute life but he seems to want to be with his dad rather than me. This hurts so much. I don’t know if I can cope much longer with him always crying for his dad. He cries for me when he’s with his dad and cries for his dad when he’s with me. He’s also turning into quite a manipulator like telling me that he won’t have breakfast if I don’t take him to his dad. Please help.”
India
Your son is trying his best to “communicate” how he is feeling… unfortunately, divorce is not something he will understand until he is older. You and his father must come to an agreement about how to put his needs first.
USA
This is difficult for you to grasp yet you want a four-year-old to get it! Increase your capacity to tolerate his pain while decreasing your dependence on his love. The boy wants to go home – don’t make it about preference of one parent over another.
ACT, Australia
distressed because of the divorce. His behavior is about what’s happening NOT because he prefers you or your husband. Really strong loving boundaries are needed for him in this painful transition.
Scotland
Your son really isn’t a happy little chap, his life is insecure and unpredictable. He ‘acts out’ because he can’t ‘speak out’. You and your husband must work together to provide stability for him.
Posted in Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Voice |
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