October 26, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”
Let then be...
that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…
Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.
Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.
Posted in Adolescence, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice |
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September 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
“Every weekend my partner stays with her ex husband because that is where her horses are and it is also nearer where she works on Fridays and Mondays. I have had nearly enough. She says she loves me but we never have weekends together. I think the universe is saying something loudly to me but whenever I try to talk about this I get tears and anger and ‘we will talk next week’ and ‘I love you but I am busy and I am tired and I am looking after the horses.’ I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help.” (Edited)
Go with her....
An ex-husband who is sufficiently hospitable to house your partner’s horses will surely also welcome you. This will give you time to be together as a couple, the horses will get more attention, and your partner will presumably get more rest given your assistance.
“Pushing the system” in such a manner will expose, not what the Universe is saying to you, but what kind of a relationship you have with your partner and what kind of relationship she has with her ex-husband.
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships |
2 Comments »
September 2, 2009
by Rod Smith
Draw lines carefully...
Relationships can deteriorate very quickly – and one of the two persons might feel the need to set limits or draw a “line in the sand.”
While this is often necessary, there are a few things to consider:
1. Idle threats are ineffective. If you don’t mean it, or cannot act upon it, your stand will be fruitless and your credibility will be minimized. It will make self definition much harder to achieve the next time.
2. You might not get what you want. If winning is your only option you might want to think things through a little more.
3. Don’t proclaim your stand, set limits, declare boundaries when you are angry or upset or under the influence of absolutely anything. Wait until you are calm. Have your limits well rehearsed. Your partner will expect you to behave as you have always behaved. He or she knows every trick in your book to get (from you) the kinds of responses to which you are both accustomed.
4. Don’t take a strong stand on matters not worthy of the energy. Some things are really unimportant and are just not worth the effort.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication |
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August 24, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My fiancée and I are discussing wedding options. It’s my first marriage, and his third. I dreamed of a big traditional wedding but considering it’s his third, I understand he has done a ‘big wedding’ twice so a smaller wedding would be appropriate. He has two daughters and I have a son. We then got to the topic of the honeymoon his daughter (12) is adamant they should come with. I feel I should draw the line. I am already giving up the big traditional wedding and feel that I would rather have a wonderful honeymoon alone with my husband. My fiancée agrees with the children and wants them with us overseas for two weeks on honeymoon. How do I deal with this?”
USA
I can only assume your future husband feels incapable of taking a stand with his children or that he needs the diversion the children will bring. Either way this will be a rub long after the honeymoon is over.
But go ahead. Draw the line. Be aware you will probably not get your way.
More important than planning your honeymoon, I’d suggest you meet with both his ex-wives and gain some insight about how you all plan to co-parent the children.
ACT, Australia
have been through two marriages and are approaching a third. It sounds like there could be anger and insecurity within one of the daughters and perhaps the other too. You are entering a relationship where your wishes and values aren’t considered as important as future wife and potential friend of the girls. I am wondering whether seeking professional help for you both might be an option before decisions are put into place.
Midwest, USA
are made will set the tone for how the two of you will do marriage. Identify your needs and expectations before the wedding. If you allow his 12 year old daughter to dictate who goes on YOUR honeymoon, she will continue to dictate your marital relationship. Being Flexible and negotiating well are essential components in healthy families, especially when two families join. Giving up what you need or desire most of the time, however, is not.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Voice |
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July 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life
I regularly receive very encouraging mail from men and women who have worked hard, sometimes employing a thought or principle read in this column, to become as happy and productive as possible with their family. Here’s one I received today:
“I am part of a blended family and have been for 17 months. After doing a lot of reading (and with some help from Rod) about coping with issues in our family, we have settled into a wonderful life. I have realised now how very blessed my boyfriend and I are in that we have achieved something so amazing in a short space of time. We are not without our problems like most families but they are small, normal, and easily solved. We have thrown five children into the mix. They fight like cat and dog but also love each other dearly and refer to each other as brothers and sisters. They protect each other and stand by each other and sometimes do unite against my boyfriend and me. So, for those of you in blended families, they can work and bring so much love and joy to everyone in them.”
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Friendship, Grace, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Step parenting |
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July 28, 2009
by Rod Smith
Now 11
days Thulani was home from the hospital I got separate visits from two
real Christian women.
“I want you to know I don’t support your decision to adopt a baby,” said the one.
“Don’t you think we should find him a real family? There’s still time,” said the other.
In their defense, which I was blind to at that point, I should have recognized their legitimate concerns. It’s not that I’d demonstrated an overly nurturing persona, nor had there been any suggestion that I was looking to adopt (because I wasn’t). But the visits were invasive. I was not appealing to either of these women for help, permission, or guidance – and neither was, at best, more than an acquaintance.
It makes me think of the woman I ran into somewhere and much later (I really do forget where and when) who suddenly burst out, quite vehemently, having picked up pieces of our story: “You might have had these boys as babies all by yourself, but let me tell you this, you have never breast fed a baby and you’ll never know that joy.”
Before I could affirm her observation she was gone.
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
3 Comments »
July 17, 2009
by Rod Smith
Take up your life
and some circumstances make it tougher. Here are three variables for discord and three that will provide a platform of greater integrity:
MAKING IT TOUGHER
1. The baby arrives embodying the hope of salvation from the dismal, ordinary lives of the men and women in the immediate family. “She gives us all a reason to live,” said grandmother* to friends, the baby ensconced in her tender grip. “This one’s going to turn out right. I will make sure of that,” she says only to herself. *Insert grandfather, mother, father, and you have fertile soil for discord and emotional entrapment.
2. The baby arrives and grandparents are well off, while the parents are in a tough financial place. Of course the parents want the best for the child and “stuff” is both needed and given. Even though the grandparents’ generosity might be benign – the platform is healthier when the child arrives and lives within the parents’ budget and is not “subsidized” by extended family. Of course I do not mean “normal” sharing of celebratory gifts.
3. Families can and often will unite or “let bygones be bygones” when a new baby enters the family (especially a first grandchild) but unresolved discord will again surface and the baby will be the (unintended) recipient of unnecessary baggage, having been unable to deliver the family from its conflict.
Three conditions that will provide a platform of greater health and integrity when a new baby enters an extended family:
MAKING IT “EASIER”
1. Naming rights are the sole domain of the parents, and the parents are absolutely free of all expectations to name the baby after anyone living, dead, real, or fictional at the request of, or under pressure from, anyone in the family. [Perhaps you would believe how often this is an issue. “In THIS family ALL the first born boys are named after MY great-great uncle who was the first man to ….. (insert achievement here) ….. so do you want to be IN my will or OUT of my will,” says dad with a warm smile.]
2. The extended family provides meals and support for the new mother and father but does not take the new baby from the parents so “you can get some rest” or “here, I’ve done this before, let me do that for you.” While favors and offers of help can be very necessary and very kind the greater help is to clear the deck of extraneous tasks so the mother and father may be free to be absolutely present with the baby as much as possible. [“Here, I’ll do the shopping for you so YOU can be with the baby,” says auntie, rather than, “Here, I’ll take the baby so YOU can go shopping.”]
3. The baby arrives and joins the family much like (forgive the simple analogy) a car joins the flowing traffic on a well-run busy freeway system. Babies are better off when people are already enjoy fulfilling lives, where the baby does not become the center of the universe, where the child joins, and things continue, rather than bringing life to a standstill for everyone, and then becoming the focal point around which all meaning and purpose is derived.
Posted in Blended families, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Friendship, Grace |
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July 13, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My ex-wife and her new husband misrepresent me to my three children (8, 10, and 12). When I see my children on weekends they are guarded and anxious. Where do I start to get my children to see they are being turned against me?”
ACT, Australia
and talk with your ex-wife about how this situation is impacting you. The most important thing is that the adults work at the best solution for this transition for the children. Separation and divorce hits kids deeply. Remarriage on both parents’ parts must be as difficult, or even more so. It’s important for the children to talk about how they feel and what they think about what’s happening in their lives. Knowing that both sets of parents are working together will be helpful to the adjustments that are needed.
USA
This issue, real or perceived on your part, is an adult matter, and it is to be addressed by the adults. It requires an on-going conversation among all the adults. I do not mean dialogue through Email or phone calls. I mean regular, scheduled, face-to-face discussions; meetings where all the adults (parents and step-parents) sit together around a table and give focused time to discuss how each adult will play his or her part in appropriately providing and caring for the children. Is this difficult? Of course it is. Parenting is for adults. Step-parenting and co-parenting is for super-adults! The more the children see all the adults working together, talking together, and providing each other with appropriate support, the more likely the children are to turn difficult circumstances into personal strengths and assets – and the more likely they are not to “side” with one parent over another.
Scotland
their loyalties between parents. I wonder how they really feel about it? I can hear your fears that they are being turned against you… The best thing you can do is to continue being the best father you can be for them; no bribes, no turning them against their mother and new step-father, no spoiling them. Trust them. Children have an uncanny way of sensing when they are with people who are genuine. Take them to the park, have fun with them, respect them, and teach them to respect you, and their mother, and stepfather. They will then have no reason to feel guarded and anxious around you, and you will have no reason to feel anxious and defensive around them.
Midwest, USA
, hopefully the adults in this equation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to find time and maturity to be able to talk about what is bothering you or what you suspect to be happening. The children have gone through a lot with your divorce and what they need is parents who can communicate with each other as their care givers. Talking to your kids will only serve to pull them further into the circle of anxiety, and doesn’t give them a chance to get out of the middle of your
dance with your ex-wife. Talking about a person when he or she is not present is gossip, and is an attempt to gain emotional closeness. Don’t do as your ex has apparently done. Sort the matter out with her and her new husband, and leave your kids out of it. They will be very grateful to you for it.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, Leadership, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers |
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July 8, 2009
by Rod Smith
“My stepchildren (9 and 11) are a delight and we have so much fun when they visit. Really, my children (8 and 12) adore them and long for their visits. Then something odd occurs. They go home and become like little strangers to my children and to me. While their mother and I do not see eye-to-eye on everything we do get on reasonably well and most of the small skirmishes are about times and dates and who’s picking up and so forth. When the children are here it is like they don’t have another home, and when they go to their mother it is like we don’t exist. Please comment.”
Keep the conversation going
It would serve you well to work out, with biological mom, any unspoken rules in the two different households. The children are probably adapting to what they believe both mothers need. They will always have two homes, thinking otherwise is unrealistic. Consider opening up the conversation by asking questions about their “other home”. This will give them permission to reconcile their two worlds. Healthy functioning parents produce children who are free to be in relationship with others.
Thanks for writing...
well with the comings and goings that are the by-product of most blended families. Rejoice. When children live in two homes every loyalty in their fiber is challenged. I expect their appearance of disconnect with you and your children, while hurtful to you and to your children, is a product of confused loyalties. Have ALL the adults to meet face-to-face as often as possible to reduce scheduling issues. While you are not required to be friends, a high degree of cooperation among you will do all the children a great service for their exciting futures.
Two systems....
and visiting another. It sounds like they are quite relaxed and enjoy your times all together. However, coming back home again would take adjustment. Are they able to ‘talk’ about their thoughts and feelings about this? Are the expectations of continuing the ‘bonding’ process after your visits realistic?
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Parenting/Children |
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July 3, 2009
by Rod Smith
You can love and NOT worry...
Easy-to-make
fundamental (primordial) errors of belief humans often make in relationships can unsettle (challenge) the strongest of commitments. These “emotional fault-lines” can require intensive understanding on behalf of the one so inflicted, and, when not embraced and accepted by others (I do not mean appeased) these troubled foundations can result in consequential ramifications in day-to-day loving, living, and parenting:
1. Attention equals love and the amount of attention reflects the amount of love. To mistake attention with love and the lack of attention with the lack of love. “If you love me then I will be the focus of much (hopefully all) of your attention,” and,”If you give your attention to someone else it means you love them and not me or you love them more than you love me.”
2. Worry (anxiety) equals love. To think (or feel) that the presence of anxiety or worry or concern is a sign of love and commitment. “If I love you then I must worry about you,” or “If you love me then how can you be so seemingly worry-free about me?” or “When you love someone you think about that person and worry about what they are doing all day, or you don’t love them.”
3. Togetherness, unity, and being “on the same page” are signs of love and commitment. “How can we possibly love each other if we don’t think and feel and see things in as much the same way as possible? There, look at Jack and Jill across the street, they are so in love she even thinks for him, they dress the same, and he calls her 15 times a day at work to let her know he’s concerned about her safety. Now that – that is love.”
Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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