April 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:
1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
19 Comments »
March 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
Please, pass this on...
To the woman who doesn’t understand her boyfriend’s need for “space”:
I’d suggest that when the relationship began it got too hot (too close, too intense, too everything) too soon. Once a little dust settled, what was intense and powerful feels just as powerfully suffocating.
When you want to know where he is, what he’s thinking, who he’s with and what he’s doing, all of the time, your best intentions of wanting to “be together even while we are apart” feel like suspicion, even if you are not the “suspicious type” and there is nothing to suspect.
Even if he is not phoning anyone you don’t know, or if he is not sending text messages to women he hardly knows, he still doesn’t want you to check his phone or phone bill. Some things are simply none of your business even if you are in a “committed” relationship.
Wanting, occasionally, to be with his friends and family without you is not a sign of his disrespecting you or of hiding anything, it is simply a natural desire people have to sometimes be in social and family settings where they can relax and not have to attempt to take care of the overwhelming needs of a high-maintenance girlfriend.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Reactivity, Recovery, Space, Voice |
8 Comments »
March 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …
- Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
- Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
- Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
- Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
- Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
- Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
- Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
- Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
- Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
March 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Order it now... link on the right
“My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore last August. I knew it was because of another woman. It escalated from text messages, chats, and emails between them. It was so out of his character and so I blamed myself. We went to a church counselor and it completely saved our marriage. I have him back after six months of a woman bugging him to death. She’s a single mom who has never been married so I can see why she was after my husband. Now we are pregnant by his choice and mine! Things are better now and I want everyone to know,with a willing husband and the right counselor, things can get better. I read the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It changed my life and how I act towards my husband. There’s hope for people who think life has no hope. I’m a living example!” (Letter edited)
Rod’s Comment: Family preservation and restoration are causes for celebration. Congratulations. You helped turn a tough and hurtful situation into one that has made you stronger. While I am not familiar with the Schlessinger book I am pleased it assisted you. I strongly recommend couples also read Harriet Lerner’s “Dance of Connection.”
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Faith, Family, Recovery |
33 Comments »
March 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair and we now live together. It was very passionate. I was the true love he’d been looking for his whole life. Being divorced myself, this was also very thrilling for me. It really was, despite all the secrecy of our relationship, and it was the time when our relationship was at its best. We argue more now than we ever did while we were having an affair. I understand that things would ‘cool down’ but sometimes I think he regrets leaving his wife. Do you think he might have another affair and cheat on me?”
Please write, I'm reading...
They seduce the participants from their real issues and offer a false sense of belonging. The intensity you describe was probably not the product of authentic love, but of the secrecy and deceit required to maintain the affair. Adrenalin and anxiety combined can feel very much like the kind of love for which you have always longed.
Of course he might regret his divorce. Just as you too have discovered, he may also be reminded that his new domestic set up is not all he believed it would be. Since each of you is capable of cheating, as you have already demonstrated, of course it is possible for each of you to betray each other with someone else.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Love, Manipulation, Marriage |
4 Comments »
March 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: Mine is an action-packed story of a marriage of 30 years. It has yielded wonderful children and grand children. Outwardly we are a normal, peaceful family. However, unnoticed by all, was an unfortunate and stressful issue of a wife, who experienced a hormone imbalance issue, which culminated her entertaining several extra marital affairs. Fortunately, or unfortunately, these actions were more an issue of once-off gratification.The mental trauma was indeed very difficult to bear, but some how, for the sake of family unity, all was put to rest and never discussed. I’m finding this whole issue extremely stressful and uncomfortable thoughts of the past flash through my mind. I am finding that my thoughts appear to be sparked off by the lack of an active sex life. At this stage in life, these pleasures of life have dried up for me. Was it my fault? Is it too late for me to get this relationship back on the high road?
ROD’S REPLY: Your moving letter suggests there is much hope for you. In the same manner as I have recruited local experts in areas of teen-suicide, drug addiction and other human maladies, I hereby request a local sex therapist to contact me, that I might put the reader in touch with face-to-face professional help.
For further and excellent reading on love and marriage and relationships in general go to www.lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery |
2 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My girlfriend was very sexually active before we met. Jealousy often rages in me. She won’t tell me about any of her past relationships and it feels to me like she still prefers other men.
ROD’S REPLY: I predict that the more this eats at you, the more you will want to know. The more she tells you, 0r refuses to tell you, the more you will ask. Every detail she divulges will haunt you, and finally, your obsessions will silence her. When she is silenced, you will claim that she has something to hide or that she still has “feelings” for some guy she probably no longer even knows. This is your issue, not hers.
Shakespeare did not call jealousy the “the green eyed monster” for nothing. Try to get over it. If you want this relationship to grow in a healthy manner, you had better understand what is, and is not, your business. Jealousy over relationships that predate you is unreasonable. Her behavior then, is none of your business, now.
I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Forgiveness, Past relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence |
6 Comments »
February 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband told me two weeks ago he likes a new woman at work. Since then his emotional affair has gotten worse. I caught her text messaging with inappropriate statements. Despite all of the shock I will give him an ultimatum tonight. Either he completely cuts off this relationship and commits fully to our marriage or he can leave the house until he is ready to make that commitment.
“Although I have not known about the affair for very long, I refuse to be nice and understanding. Doing that is not true to who I am or what I deserve. I am petrified. I am young (26) and am finishing a graduate degree. My biggest fear is that he is not going to be the husband I deserve. That would hurt the most.
“I never saw this situation coming. However, I have finally accepted that I need to take care of myself. I have the right to demand my husband gives me a clear indication of where his commitment lies. It is not fair for me to be in limbo and give him power and control. I am going to shift the power back to me so that I can move on while he figures out his role in the marriage. I no longer willing to be a victim.”
(Edited to 200 words)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
February 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
Notes from a conversation…
“I read and hear a lot of warnings to young men about how to behave with and respect women. I see almost nothing about how young men can also be hurt by women who almost always seem to cast themselves as the victims,” says David (26)
“Tell me more,” I respond.
“More than once I have dated a woman and been very honest and very faithful – while the woman I am seeing is cheating on me behind my back. Then, when it comes out, she assumes a kind of ‘victim mode’ where the man was predatory and she did not know what to do. Then I find out it is not the first time.”
“Why do you think this is not addressed, David?”
“Because it is not cool or manly to admit you have been hurt by a woman. It is not manly to say you were a victim and innocent and felt a lot of pain from what your girlfriend did to you. I wish someone would write and speak about how young men feel after they have been hurt by a woman when they have been innocent and trying to do the right thing.”
(Reconstructed with permission).
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Forgiveness, Triggers, Trust, Victims |
1 Comment »
January 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
“To the so-called “friend” (You and Me, January 15, 2007) who wants to tell my husband about my ‘affair’ all I can say is that you are not friend enough to know the facts. You are an acquaintance but I would not describe you as my friend.
“To the outside world we are getting divorced because an illness. The truth is far harder to accept and far harder for me to have lived through. I have been controlled and manipulated to the point where I have lost my own identity and self worth. I was forbidden from joining groups or societies that shared my interests, forbidden from joining a church group, forbidden from joining a gym or running club or any exercise group, forbidden from seeing my friends or going out alone.
“You have no idea of the anguish, misery and heartache I have lived through because I have never considered you friend enough to know the intimate details. The small things I have let slip to you about my unhappiness resulted in condemnation from you, and no sympathy, empathy or support. My true friends were there when I needed them and as such know the truth.” (Letter shortened)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Spousal abuse, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
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