December 29, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I am married to this wonderful wife for three years we have a daughter. Two months ago I met a beautiful woman and it took a week for us to establish a relationship. The problem is I have fallen in love with her. My wife found out about this. I can’t get her out of my mind. She is what I need. We were recently hi-jacked together and shot with bullets by thugs and we survived together. She makes me happy. My heart skips when I think about her. My wife has been a friend for more than ten years. I respect her but my new love makes my heart sing. I am afraid of the shame of divorcing. I don’t want my children raised by a stepfather. My wife is 7 months pregnant this makes it worse. It’s my happiness or my family’s happiness.” (Edited)
This is dangerous - don't do it!
a hi-jack and bullets (together) but it is your marriage that’s being hi-jacked. You are an adult, not an irresponsible teenager. She-who-makes-your-heart-sing should run a mile that you’d even contemplate leaving a pregnant wife and a child for her. Don’t do it. Instead, use this momentary diversion as an opportunity to grow up as both a man and husband.
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December 26, 2010
by Rod Smith
That's what they do -- they seduce you away from your real life.....
They appear to offer better, more intense passion than the marriage. Hide and seek will do this, spawning the kind of relationship we wished was possible with a spouse. It’s amazing how “attractive” someone can sound, look and feel when you add large amounts of adrenalin. The secrecy idealizes the other, not love or truth. Deception, the “ducking and diving” past family can give vitality to the stolen hour.
What is so ridiculously seductive (and hurts so badly when the truth comes out) is the belief that affair is about you. Actually, it is about who you are not. It about what you do not represent. You are not the wife or husband; the “routine.” Your name is not the other name on the mortgage, you are not one who owns the other car in the garage. You are not the one whom the children sound like when they are at their worst (and best). It’s not your beauty. It is not your charm (although you might be both beautiful and charming). It is the difference from, the contrast with, what your affair knows. In his or her boredom and selfishness, you become so very appealing in the heat of it all. It’s the contrast he or she “loves.” The secrecy, the chase, the conniving makes it all so surreal and convincing and such a turn on. It is not you. It is not he or she who has met you here in this rendezvous, but the secret itself, the fact that you will share this secret, that’s lighting your fire.
The seductive thing is that for a period of time one or both of you actually believe in the affair as if it is a real and enduring relationship, able to offer you each something you really want. For a time you will give so unreservedly, so wildly, and be sucked in by passion. Every meeting will feel like you were meant for each other and that it is a cruel world forcing you apart. The really sad thing is that even your children will feel, to you, as if they are in the way, obstacles to your freedom, hindrances to your finding true love. When you are with your lover the first hours will slip past feeling like heaven. The approaching absences and those times when you are apart, will begin to fill with suspicion, heaviness and demands that come with cheating. You will think your love is cheating on you (even when with their spouse) every time the cell-phone is off, a call is not returned or a weekend happens without you. The moment the clandestine activity began with you, the scene was set for it to occur around you and to you. He or she who cheats on a spouse will most certainly think nothing of doing the same to you.
The affair itself, born in secrecy and lies, itself begins to lie, making the participants believe they have been short-changed, deceived in marriage and that a fling can offer what’s really wanted. It is not so. Affairs seduce the participants from what is real, what is important, what is enduring and significant. If I cannot talk to my wife, talking with someone who is not my wife (or who is someone’s wife) doesn’t help anything one iota. Learning to talk with my wife is where the real action is, it is not in talking with some other lost person looking for a temporary shelter from her own storm.
Affairs are always a poor substitute for a relationship. No matter how intense, how willing each person is, inevitable pain and suffering lies ahead for each person in the seductive cycle. If this is your dilemma break it off today. Go cold turkey. See a professional. Change locks. Change phone numbers. Quit your job if you have to. Run home to your parents! Get out of it. No, you do not owe him or her an explanation or closure. Everyone you love, or thought you loved, will be better off for it.
Copyright 2002, Rod Smith, MSMFT
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships |
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November 24, 2010
by Rod Smith
“I never thought I’d be the one to have an affair. I work with a man who is 15 years younger and I have become obsessed with him. Now, after a wild three weeks, he is pulling back and is guilt ridden. He won’t take my calls. He won’t look at me. He’s probably going to change his job to get away. This is driving me insane for so many reasons. My husband of 25 years has no idea but to think something is up since I have been so irrational. I had no idea I could become so trapped by my own thoughts and behaviors. I’ve gone from feeling self-righteous about women who cheat to feeling like a criminal. Please help.” (Edited)
1. Go cold turkey – this means no contact, no calls, no chasing, and no emails – nothing. You cannot get over something you have found this powerful if you keep feeding it.
2. Get professional help. A trained person will guide you through the quagmire of trying to make sense of the nonsense you have co-created.
I have been overwhelmed with the response to “Give Something Away Every Day” as published on Friday November 19th, 2010. If you’d like to join or read the stories please go to GSAED on Facebook.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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October 9, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Is it an affair if you do everything but have sex? I had a relationship with a married man who told me that if his wife found out he would tell her I was a stalker. I thought he was joking. We had a place we would go see each other. He eventually showed up with his wife without telling me. I never talked to him again. He never called me and I was too afraid to call him. His wife started showing up where I use to see him and gave me dirty looks as if she knew what was going on. The ‘relationship’ between us was on and off for two years. I have guilt about and still have feelings for him. I do not contact him but I want to. I fear his wife and know deep down he is bad for me. I was wrong as well. I felt wild for him. We were physical sexually but never had sex as this to him was the only real proof of cheating. What do you think?”
It’s an affair (or an act of unfaithfulness) if it seduces either person from his or her primary intimate relationship, makes either person have to lie to anyone, and involves any intimate physical contact.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation |
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September 6, 2010
by Rod Smith
Intimacy is an individual pursuit
1. A couple where each person works on his or her individual distinctness, is more likely to find deeper
intimacy with each other than the couple who gives up individuality for each other.
2. Intimacy is found in the connection of differences, and not in the pursuit of sameness or uniformity.
3. A person who cannot be alone will also find difficulty being together.
4. There is no such thing as instant authentic intimacy (as in say a one-night encounter). It can take years to develop and, ironically, it is often, in romantic relationships, distracted in its development by sexual behavior.
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August 22, 2010
by Rod Smith
No room to move....
(Minimal edits)
While it takes two to tangle (not tango!) it only takes one of the partners to cheat. I trust you will experience greater love than you’ve ever known.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation |
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August 15, 2010
by Rod Smith
Want wisely.....
– not in you, me, nor in the man in the moon. It has no upside. It produces nothing worth having. It reduces everyone in its environment to a victim. It scares children. There’s nothing redeeming about rage. It causes physiological distress, psychological pain, and accelerates physical exhaustion. It hurts relationships. Rage is always ugly, always destructive.
Rage is never helpful
I’ve witnessed rage erupt in clients during therapy where there’s a sudden burst of rage over a matter that might appear inconsequential to the observer. I’ve seen it while I am engaged in the give and take of life – a woman loses it with her child in public, a man yells uncontrollably in the traffic, a teenager storms off from a parent in the mall.
Regretfully, I’ve felt it in me. Forces collide, my world feels out of control, I resort to blaming others for whatever I perceive as having gone wrong. Something primal snaps. I’m momentarily blind, deaf to reason. Then, I breathe deeply. I hold onto myself. Reason returns. Logic prevails. I get my focus off others. I look at myself. I take responsibility for myself. Do I always catch it? Handle it well? Of course not.
How is a person to handle a moment of rage in a loved one? Keep a level head. Walk away. Try not to react. Don’t personalize it. It’s not about you. You may participate in the precipitating event, but you don’t cause the outburst. In the moment of his or her fury don’t try to reason, negotiate, or restrain.
This too shall pass.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Listening, Sex matters, Space, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence |
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August 1, 2010
by Rod Smith
“My first six months of marriage has bee absolutely miserable. I love him with all my heart. He has become my whole existence. I am a friendly person and people tend like me. My husband takes it as flirting. We no longer work together so it’s worse since now he can’t keep an eye on me. I am not allowed to wear make up, do my hair, or wear perfume. If I do I’m trying to sleep with somebody. He checks my phone and Email and questions me on every call and every text. I would never cheat. I try to convince him but nothing works. I do everything he wants yet he finds reasons to get upset. This has changed me as a person. I no longer enjoy life. I have pushed my friends away. I don’t ever want to leave him but I don’t how to improve our marriage. Will counseling help?”
Quit trying to appease a virus.....
The more you surrender your legitimate, God-given power, the more of your legitimate, God-given power he will assume, until the “you” in you (your uniqueness, your ability to think for yourself) disappears altogether.
Stop doing everything he wants. Your husband has an emotional virus – and, it is most unloving to feed it. While you try to appease it, not only are you attempting the impossible, it will only get worse.
His jealousy has NOTHING to do with you or your behavior. It is HIS issue and while you make it yours, you will never be able to do enough to appease it.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination |
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July 20, 2010
by Rod Smith
How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…
1. His/her divorce has been finalized (that means completed) for more than a year.
2. He/she takes appropriate responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown of the former marriage.
3. He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before becoming intimately involved with any one person.
It will be a rough ride if red flags are ignored.....
4. He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives and willingly, generously, and punctually pays child support.
5. He/she places a high priority on rearing his/her own children, while being respectful toward your children and your relationship with them.
6. He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse about matters pertaining to the children. That the divorce is REAL is clear – so there are no intimate, or “throw-back” conversations.
7. He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, the opposite sex, despite the previous breakdown.
8. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
9. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with your former spouse or persons associated with your former marriage.
10. He/she has deep regard for the time and patience required to establish new relationships and is willing allow necessary time for intimacy to properly develop.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sex education, Step parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Young Love |
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July 13, 2010
by Rod Smith
“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”
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Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.
While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.
Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.
Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.
It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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